Wednesday, July 13, 2016
Is it possible to lead by doing nothing? I think it is. Here is one example. The other day we invited several people join us for dinner. The day before, Katie told me what we would be serving and had me create a list of what needed to be gathered. When that was done she sent me to see which of the items we already had and what needed to be purchased. Later that day we went shopping but of course, I needed to go out the following day to get one food item I thought we had but as it turned out, needed more.
That evening Katie asked how long it would take me to get everything ready. Informing me she wanted to eat at 6 I decided 5PM would be a good starting point to begin making final preparations. So on the following day at 5 I headed to the kitchen and as planned had it ready by 6. Guests started arriving a little before 5 with the last showing up right before the meal was set out. During my hour of craziness Katie pretty much remained out of sight, letting me do the cooking while she spent time with our guests. We all enjoyed the time hanging out and eating and after eating I began gathering the dirty plates and utensils. While I cleaned the group mostly hung out in the kitchen area talking. I listened but remained busy restoring the room to its pre ‘non-messy state’.
I know I was being watched while I cooked and set out the food. I knew others noticed that I was the one doing all of the cleanup. No one sad a thing and Katie pretty much let me take care of most everything. There was the recognition that I was alone at getting everything ready and cleaning it all after. When everyone was through, I was paid the best of compliments. They thanked ME for dinner – not Katie. And I loved it.
So did Katie lead while together with friends? It was pretty clear to me she did. Other than tell me in front of a few guests “OK you can start getting things ready,” no other remark was made to indicate she was in charge. She didn’t come to check on me to see how I was coming with the meal prep; she didn’t tell me to clean up; she didn’t tell me to put things away. It all just happened. I simply followed the same routine I usually do after dinner – clean. Yet by spending, what?, a few minutes telling me what we would be serving and going over things with me for a short time, and later making sure we had everything needed and making certain she understood how long it would take me to put it all together, she effectively led. In doing so she asserted herself as the dominant partner and allowed her submissive to make her life a little easier and a whole lot less stressful. (She hates hosting.) Like I commented in the previous post, leaders think and plan, followers execute. She did that to a T this time and I did likewise, following her directives.
I wanted to write about this little event in our life to illustrate that leadership sometimes doesn’t require lots of time and effort on the part of the wife. However it needs to be intentional. Katie needed to make the decision that I’d be doing the work. She needed to place her trust in me to make it all happen. However she felt it necessary to go over things with me to insure I wouldn’t mess up or forget things. She wanted the time with friends to go off as if she had done the work – meaning, she wanted it done her way. Once she set things in motion, she pretty much stepped back and let me run with it as her submissive.
Leading takes practice. Leading needs to be a part of who the woman in charge is. I understand it’s not something that comes easily for most women. I wish it did. But with practice, that which was at one time foreign becomes familiar and given time and repetition eventually becomes natural. Katie has become a natural leader in many aspects of our marriage – not all, but increasingly more. And as she does, my love for her grows ever deeper. I admire her more. I see in her a confident woman. I see someone who has the strength to make things happen by telling me what to do. I see a woman that understands my need for leadership and is willing to give that gift of direction to me. For that I am thankful.
Friday, July 1, 2016
I have nothing profound to say here. During the past few days Katie and I have been able to spend time together. I’m on vacation and it feels so good to be with her every day and not have work interrupt ‘life’. We’ve worked outside in the yard together. We’ve baby sat together. We’ve spent time with friends at a concert. We’ve slept in! We’ve taken day trips to places we enjoy. We had fun and we bonded. Gosh it makes me ache for retirement. Katie keeps telling me, “If we could only win the lottery”. Yea, right! But I understand where she’s coming from. I wish we could afford to do so as well. Anyway, here are four snapshots from our life that had something to do with living a Wife Led Marriage. Enjoy.
Some days ago Katie was playing a game of spider solitaire on the computer. I watched her slowly get destroyed as one rotten hand after another presented itself on her screen. She was unsuccessful in her ability to unjumble the mess. Finally with one hand to go I said, “I’ll help you with this. If we end up winning, I promise to be your slave forever.” Now slave is not a term I hardly ever use and one she never uses. Every once in a while she will call me ‘sub’ or ‘my sub’ but ‘slave’? Never.
Anyway, without looking at me she answered, “You’re already my slave forever.”
I about wanted to shout hallelujah but curbed the response and simply smiled. Nevertheless, I loved hearing her response and have thought and re-thought about her words in the days since. It takes so little to feed my submission – just a little reminder in a profound way that I belong to hers is all I need. I’m glad she sees me as her ‘slave’. What a yummy thought!
Some nights ago we were lying in bed talking. The lights were out and Katie was on her side, snuggled in tight against me. One hand lightly touched my body and eventually it made its way south – down there. While she fondled me I asked, “What are you looking for down there?”
I laughed. “You’re looking in the wrong place. There’s no gold there.”
“I found gold nuggets,” she replied
“Ahh, well you got ripped off if that’s what you wanted from me. I’m sure you could have found someone with bigger nuggets than that.”
We laughed and then she grabbed a hold of me. “I found the gold bar.”
I was quite limp when she first took hold. “Well then you really got ripped off.”
As I started to grow she counted out, “one-thousand dollars, two thousand dollars, three thousand dollars,…..”.
“Dang, you did find a gold mine!” I exclaimed.
“Yep, and I might as well put it to good use while it’s worth a lot. Put on some lubricant.”
So ends that story. You don’t need to know the rest :) but I’ll let you imagine.
On another evening while in bed, Katie asked me where (geographically) something was. Because it was dark I drew a sketch on her belly. As I moved my hands up between her breasts she exclaimed, “Wo, you’re all the way up in the Adirondacks now!” (to those not from around here, they are a mountain range quite a way north – much further than the town I was describing that was nowhere near Upstate New York.)
A few days ago Katie opened the mail. She left one piece on the counter. Just before leaving the room she called, “There’s something for you there.”
As I read it I realized it was one of those solicitations from the local car dealer telling me just how much they ‘needed’ my car. The letter stressed just how important it was for me to come see them because there were others apparently “dying to buy my used car”. Basically this was a glorified ploy to get me to trade in my vehicle for another new car but they dressed the disguise up well enough for me to read it in its entirety. The letter stated they even had a check in the amount of $xxx waiting for me. All I needed to do was bring my vehicle to their dealership. It would be that easy. At the bottom of the typed letter was a hand written note in cursive. “We hope to see you soon. Please don’t delay.” Then, at the very bottom was another line in cursive in a slightly different colored ink that read “And your wife is HOT!”
I giggled knowing Katie had written that last line. I called to her. I knew she was in the other room waiting for my response. “That dealer sure has good taste in women! He says you are hot, Katie.”
I’ve since reminded her several times about the car-dealers’ comment regarding how hot she is. She smiles every time I do.
Earlier this week I climbed in bed and gave Katie a kiss. “You’re beautiful!” I said enthusiastically and hugged her.
“Do you really mean that?”
Her question was sincere. “Oh Katie. I do! You are so beautiful. I love you!”
She kissed me. It was one of those nice long kisses. The kind I really like.
You know, before we started our WLM relationship I’d often compliment her, telling her how pretty, how beautiful and how nice she looks. Often her response amounted so something in the line of “if you think so” or “if you say so.” I could never figure out why a woman as attractive and sexy as her would question her appearance for she is beautiful indeed.
I’ve been relentless in affirming her ever since we first met. I’ve repeatedly told her in various ways that she’s beautiful. Not a day goes by that I don’t tell her so several times. “Katie, you are beautiful.” “Katie, I love you.” “Katie, you look great.” “Katie, that top looks great on you.” “Katie, I love seeing your smile.” “You have such pretty hair; I love brushing it for you.”
I tell her in all kinds of ways. Sometimes I’ll call home and when she answers with a hello, I’ll ask, “Am I talking to the beautiful Mistress Katie?” or “Is this my beautiful wife?” or “Is there a mistress at the other end of this line with whom I can speak?” Now she will answer by affirming she is ‘the beautiful Miss Katie’, that ‘you are speaking to your beautiful wife’, and ‘you are talking to a mistress’.
I don’t hear the ‘if you say so’ comments anymore. I haven’t heard them for months and I hope I never hear them again.
The changes in perception from her responding to my “your beautiful” with an “if you say so” to one where she now answers the phone and tells me she is my beautiful mistress or now playfully writes on a piece of junk mail “your wife is hot” was a slow process but it is one that has been so fun to see evolve.
I like writing about our life. I hope examples like these encourage you as a submissive man to continue adoring, having fun and affirming your wife for the beautiful woman she is. If you are a woman, I hope examples like these can provide you a sense of assurance if you struggle with fully embracing your beauty and your status as head of your home. To you, I invite you to put your inhibitions aside. Be the mistress you are. Take control. Have fun with the mutual roles you and your man share. Be yourself. Know your submissive loves you and wants nothing more than to see you express your confidence readily.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
I made the point in the last post regarding qualities I consider a woman should have if leading a WLM. One such trait was my belief that she should separate herself in some way from the man to whom she is responsible. My rationale for this is because I believe it is important for her to present herself as being more important, of a higher status, above him, superior, etc. since she is the marital authority figure.
It is my contention that by doing so she will maintain a greater (or complete) level of authority, exert more influence over him, and control him as the matriarchal leader to which he depends on for guidance. Separating herself will also fortify control by making sure her husband remains obedient and compliant to her wishes. I suggested the analogy of a teacher and how she relates to her students. One is in charge while the other follows. The same can be said for a parent/child or employer/employee, coach/athlete, and other similar relationship paring. In each situation one party subjects itself to the other. In each of these relations, if they remain healthy, there is no formation of animosity. In fact, the exact opposite occurs. The child loves his parent; the coach and teacher make indelible impressions on their athletes and students that last a life time. If this hierarchy is not maintained, the relationship will falter. From an athletic perspective, it is why it is so difficult to be a player-coach. That fine line is almost impossible to walk effectively.
A frequent commenter to this blog made a comment that “it would be sad to allow our wives to feel lonely and disconnected while they assume the burden of leadership”. I concur. What woman wants to remain married to a man that is emotionally distant from her. What good is it to enjoy the privileges of less work, more freedom, have a husband who remains at her beckon but is unable to connect with him at a deep and intimate level? After all, isn’t marriage about relationship at its very core?
Since writing the post last week and thinking about the above comment I’ve observed how Katie has led me. Because I’ve been at home last week I’ve been with her continuously. I’ve never felt emotionally closer and yet she has maintained her control by telling me what she wants simply by making statements that have been devoid of negative emotion. “Go get the mail.” “The trash needs to go out.” “I’m hungry; it’s time to make breakfast.” “Put this in your calendar.” “I want to leave by 4:10; make sure you are ready by then.” “It’s time to stop. Let’s quit.” “Call the mechanic tomorrow morning.” Pointing to a plant in the yard: “That plant needs water. Lying together in bed: “Put on some lubricant.” “I’ll need to get up at 7 and I’ll be leaving by 8. I want breakfast before I go.”
I could go on and on but the gist of the above examples point out that I’m led not by coercion but by her stating her mind. Of course, this dynamic only works if I take her commands seriously. Otherwise she is forced to ask again (which she has to do sometimes) or discipline (which she simply doesn’t do and because I don’t intentionally ignore her). However, stating clearly what she wants and expects, in a straightforward way, as one might instruct a child – (go clean your room. Go make your bed. Let’s go. It’s time to leave, etc.,) she has been able to effectively get me to do what she wants without emotionally pushing me away.
Leading doesn’t need to be difficult. At least in this respect, all the woman needs to do is verbalize her thoughts clearly. My suggestion is she do so in a declarative statement rather than in question form. “It’s time for you to make me breakfast” is a better choice than “aren’t you hungry?” The latter question begs another question …. “Are you trying to tell me you want me to make you breakfast?” Ladies, why complicate things. Just tell him what you want. If you want him to take a shower, tell him. If you want him to let out the dog, tell him. And if he doesn’t move, get his attention and then tell him again. Use the word ‘now’ so he knows you are serious.
I believe there needs to be a separation between dominant and submissive. It’s part of the relational dynamic. How can the wife be viewed as the one in command if her spouse views her as one of the gang. She isn’t one of the gang. She is his wife and his Mistress-Wife at that. The couple may not want to view things like this but she is the more important party from a status perspective. That doesn’t lessen who he is. He is just as important, but in a different way. His role is to serve. Her role is to lead.
The trick she needs to successfully negotiate is controlling/ruling/leading him without damaging his emotional ego. She needs to lead without alienating herself from her mate. And that can be easily done. I mean what guy doesn’t respond to her showing him a little casual sex every now and again. What I mean is, “Go mow the yard,” and squeeze his butt while saying “Mmmm, I love your butt.” (He’ll go mow the yard and think about that one comment for the next 45 minutes!) Of course you could squeeze other parts too (and he’ll think about that even longer) but you get the intent of what I’m saying. Giving him an appreciative thank you every now and again or telling him how much you enjoy all he does for you, giving him a nice long kiss, touching or fondling him are simple quick and effective ways of letting him know you love him and care about him. One of Katie’s favorite tricks when I come behind and give her a hug is for her to press her sweet bottom into my groin and wiggle it. I love it!!!! Remember, we boys have a very fragile ego. We need to be handled with care :) That little wiggle strokes my ego perfectly.
By no means am I the authority on this. I had to give this comment additional thought and would appreciate your thoughts and insights as well.
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Female LED Relationship. Wife LED Marriage. The keywords here are gender, role and depth of relationship. For a woman to successfully have the life she wants and mold her man into the guy she only dreamed might be possible requires her to assume the role as leader in the home. Success, happiness and contentment in relationships don’t come without work by both parties. In a female led relationship it only comes when he follows her lead. It means she has to lead. She just cant’ assume that because he’s submitting that she doesn't have to change. She has to change to but in ways that are far different from him.
In the case of a female led home, the very words imply she is in charge and he isn’t. But just because someone has decided “we are going to be engaged in a female-led-relationship” or “I want to submit to you” doesn’t equate with her being a good leader nor him being the follower she wants. She needs to exhibit certain qualities. Here are some that I, as a submissive, believe are important ones:
(1) She needs convey authority. There should be no if, ands, or buts as to who is running the show, who is in charge, who makes the decisions, and who goes to who when asking for permission, etc. The rub comes when ‘he’ decides to buck the system and in those situations she needs to somehow assert her authority, reminding him that doing whatever he just did, isn’t his call to make.
Authority within a female led relationship is an odd dynamic. Over the past weeks I’ve read from Mistress Kaylee who commented how her increasing authority draws her husband into an even more submissive state. Several men have recently commented the need they have their wives be more firm then they have been. Cathy commented in a recent post various ways to quell alpha moments. Sandra commented in that post how she addresses those times when her husband wants to assert himself. She provided examples, all of which provide visual demonstrations of who was in charge and who must submit to who. I continually remind Katie that asserting her authority is an expression of love to me at its deepest level. I love it as it pulls me to her in ways nothing else can.
Men need a strong leader. Telling your husband, “do you think it’s time to get dinner ready” conveys something different than saying “it’s time for you to make me dinner.” There needn’t be meanness in your words but there needs to be a conveyance of your authority and his need to obey.
(2) She needs to separate himself from him in some way. One of the things I always kept in mind while teaching was that even though I wanted to connect with my students, I didn’t want to become too close to them. I wasn’t their friend (even though I came to love and respect them over the years). My role was to instruct them, to help them, to lead them to gain the expertise they needed to enter their chosen profession. To do that required me to sometimes do things to remind them that I was in charge. I failed them on tests and quizzes if they didn’t measure up. I corrected them when they didn’t do something properly. I corrected them when I thought they could have made a better choice. By separating myself in these ways they understood I wasn’t a peer, but they could come to me for help and advice. As a female leader, the wife needs to do the same, but do so in such a way that lets her husband know without question, he is deeply loved and cherished. I think that is a difficult road to tow but a necessary one.
(3) She needs to have a vision as to what she wants for both herself and for her man. This might mean her giving him things to do or telling him of things he won’t be doing from now on. In my situation it meant me becoming the cook. It also meant I wouldn’t be going hunting anymore. Sometimes it means me giving up things I might enjoy in lieu of her wants. It’s part of the deal. Katie has her reasons and I understand that.
Vision implies what kind of man she wants her husband to become, not just today but in the future. Reaching, or failing to reach that goal probably depends on how much/little authority she maintains. Vision requires having a plan. What I have learned as Katie’s submissive is that I do more time consuming things like cooking, cleaning and completing the various chores she has me do around the house. However it’s up to her to come up with the plan for the day, for the week, for us, for me. She is the one who must assess if I am doing what she wants and doing it the way she wants. Although she doesn’t need to do the actual work, she needs to make sure its done properly.
Leaders spend time in meetings. Workers execute whatever comes out of those meetings. It’s why we sometimes refer to a leader as a white-collar and workers as a blue-collar. One thinks and plans, the other follows the will of the other. Both must work but their work should be different. I recently read a post on the Conquer Him website on the #1 reason women ruin female led relationships. Her take was women cave to the man; they are too easy. Women feel sorry for the guy. I would agree. It goes back to being a leader. It goes back to separating oneself from the husband in the same way a teacher must separate himself from a student or a parent from a child. It goes back to a mindset that you are "above" him. Yes, you are more important. He is inferior (in some respects). As a result you just can't bear his load. You can't let him slack off. You have to stay on course. Why? Why? Because if you don't it undermines your ultimate goal of maintaining your leadership and keeping him in check. To cave is to show weak leadership traits.
(4) She needs to have a plan for when he acts up. No man is perfect – not even me! :) Men rebel. Men slack off. Men cut corners. Men assert themselves in ways they shouldn’t. All such actions are displays (some more overt than others) of his unwillingness to fully submit. When he does go off the track, what should a leader do? If a student starts challenging the teacher, what should the teacher do? If an employee stops doing everything and only does 80% what should the boss do? If your husband no longer keeps the kitchen spotless or leaves things hanging around the house that should be put away, what should you do? If he dallies when you tell him to do something rather than doing it immediately, what is your response? You need to have a plan and that plan should have the goal to stop the unwanted behavior. Some call this discipline and in a way it is. Some might call it behavior modification and it is that too.
The goal is obedience. The goal is obedience with an attitude of knowing you are in charge. Trust me ladies, your man wants to know you are in charge. He craves seeing and feeling your authority. Don’t be afraid to lead. Don’t be afraid to put your foot down. Don’t be afraid to take real charge of your man. If you do you will speak his love language and he will yield to your will. I can promise that. If you aren’t sure, just try it and see what happens. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.
Saturday, May 28, 2016
I read something which led me to the internet in search of the source. I found what I was looking for but as I continued to read I saw more from that same source. It spoke to me and I hope it speaks to you as well. Her's what caught my attention:
“Our greatest emotional need is for intimacy. Beyond the primary needs for food, water, sleep, and air to breathe, intimacy is the greatest need of the human person.
Life is a self-revelation. Life expands in direct proportion to our ability to reveal ourselves to others and to the world around us. Yet most people spend most of their lives hiding their true selves and pretending they are somebody that they are not.
We want intimacy. We need intimacy. But we are afraid. We are desperately afraid that if people really knew who we are and what we are capable of, they would reject us. As a result, our fear of rejection (driven by our need for acceptance) and out of need for intimacy are constantly at odds with each other.
All relationships can be measured by our ability to share ourselves with others. We must press beyond the clichés of our common conversation and the facts of our daily lives. If we are to reveal ourselves and enjoy intimacy we must learn to share and discuss our opinions, our hopes and dreams, our deepest feelings, our legitimate needs, and our fears, faults, and failures. The more two people are able to share and accept without judgment, the more intimacy they will enjoy.
Intimacy is measured by self-revelation. The more you share yourself with others the more intimacy you will have. The more you hide yourself from others the shallower your relationships will be.”
The previous post contained an admission of frustrations and feelings I had been feeling for much of the late winter/early spring season. I aired those feelings in a post (but out of guilt, never put that post up until last week and did so for reasons separate from my initial intention). As I noted last week posting thoughts and feelings publicly that were meant only for Katie wasn't the best way to go about forcing a discussion. What I needed to do was to follow the advice stated above. I needed to allow myself to become vulnerable. I needed to open my heart to Katie in a personal way. I needed to let HER know how I really felt. I needed to risk rejection. I needed to get things off my chest; I needed to open my heart; I needed to share openly and honestly.
What I did instead was internalize my feelings. I kept things hidden from my wife. Given the advantage of time and space I can see now there was no way things would ever have ever changed given that path. How was Katie to ever know what I was thinking? She may not have even been aware that I was different because the ‘difference’ was taking place in my mind and heart. The 'difference' revealed itself by me not doing the things I mentioned in that last post – cleaning the cat litter, straightening the bathroom, planning meals, etc. Yes, Katie may have known something was going on but it was my fear that was forcing the issue and placing it on her to address. My hope was she’d sit me down and ask. The question I ask myself now though was why was I so afraid to sit her down instead of hoping she'd do the same?
The reason had to do with my fear of rejection and that fear created an ever larger wedge into the intimacy we shared. I wasn’t able to love her the way I knew I wanted and she probably was wondering why she couldn’t emotionally connect with her husband the way she usually could.
I know this. I’ve been down this road before. I don’t like rejection. I fear it. What I fail to remember is the depth of Katie’s love for me. She’d never reject me, never. Yet my insecurity rears its head every now and again.
I’m writing about me, but I’m writing about you too. I’m sure there are times when you struggle to muster up the courage to talk with your wife about this or that. I’m sure there are things you wish you could do or try but struggle to talk with her because you’re afraid she will say no. I’m sure you wish you could go do things with friends but hesitate to ask your mistress because she thinks your plans are not the best. For those of you that struggle with openness and honesty, I hope you can see the only way to bridge the gap from an ok love relationship to a fantastic one is to bare your soul.
Saturday, May 21, 2016
A little more than a month ago I wrote sent a draft of a proposed post to Katie to read and approve. On this particular day I knew her review wouldn't be received with the usual "looks good, post it" remark. I had been feeling down for quite some time and decided to vent my frustrations via a blog post. My choice was obviously not the best but I did what I did. I never did post the below draft (until now) but left it in my inbox for several weeks. Only after talking with Katie further did she agree to let me. I'll comment more on this later but for now, here's the short email I sent Katie followed by the post and then a comment or two. I'll let you get a feel for what I was feeling at the time.
Dear Katie, this post is a sad one. I've been feeling blue about us as a D/s couple. Maybe we need to talk sometime. I miss things or maybe I just need things in ways you don't. I really don't know all that I'm feeling but there are definite feelings of frustration brewing that I don't like. I love you.
PS. If you don't want me to post this just tell me. xoxo
Feeling the Blues
If you’ve been reading this blog you will know it goes back quite a few years. It follows the path Katie and I have taken from the point of me asking her if she would allow me to submit, to our struggles with accepting those mutual responsibilities and finally coming to terms with how we live within the framework of a wife-led-marriage. At times I wrote about personal ‘stuff’ that was a part of your live and at other times wrote topically about matters that I thought had a female-led-relationship bent.
This post is more of a personal reflection and if you’ve read the last several posts you probably have detected the change in tone in my posts. You’ve also probably noticed I haven’t written quite as frequently. My submissive energy tank is quite low at the moment. I think I’m losing my passion and it saddens me. The other night I lay in bed feeling sad. I realized I was grieving of sorts. I realized I was missing the spark of feeling and seeing Katie’s dominance. I was feeling sad as I thought back to things that were and now are no more. I realized at that moment that I believe things are slipping for us and what was so much fun as well as what brought us such closeness isn’t quite as prominent in our daily life anymore.
Today I showered (Katie had gone before me). After I towel dried I looked at the wet towel as I tossed it in the hamper. My routine is to place a clean towel/wash cloth and underwear for Katie so all is ready for her the next time she wants to bathe. I almost left the room without doing so.
That is a little thing indeed yet it goes to the heart of how I feel in general. A few months ago I wanted to do that. Now it feels like a chore. Before it was fun to think how a little thing like prepping the bathroom was something I could do for her so she didn’t have to bother. Now I’m considering not even bothering.
I use to clean the cat litter daily. Now I’m shooting for every other or every third day. Why? Well it’s for the same reason. “Who gives a rip? It’s just the cat’s pooping spot. Who cares?” That’s my attitude.
On a weekend I usually think ahead about what we will eat for dinners during the week. I haven’t had those thoughts in almost a month. Yes we manage but we aren’t thriving and flourishing with my dinner meals. It’s my fault and yet I’m just not feeling it. I’m in a lull. I want a spark. I want to feel overwhelmed with her presence. I feel loved. That’s never been an issue but I’m not sensing direction. I’m not being critiqued. I’m not being supervised. Oh, and I just realized I’m not locked on a work day. Yea, I looked in the drawer where I keep the appliance but decided I’d put it on later and then I was in the car and off to work. And the cage is still in the drawer. But that’s not been the first time that’s happened. There have been several such days.
I know you will comment I need to speak my mind to Katie and I do – a little. But I really wish she’d see my small slip ups, my negligence, my haphazard ways of doing things and give me a verbal whack on the butt and tell me to knock it off and get with the show. I don’t want to lead while following. I want to follow. I want to obey. I want to follow her and obey her. I want to be kept in check. All that to say, I wish she’d lead me with more intentionality, that’s all.
End of Post
End of Post
So those were my thoughts, feelings and frustrations in early April. After Katie read she responded as I thought - she felt sad. We did talk. At first just a little but in the days after, we kept talking. I was able to at least express my concerns. Not all were received nor did I think they would but at least I was able to voice them and at least I was able to see she understood with empathy. As with most things in life, the intensity of feelings subside and life goes on. I don't have those same feelings now as then. As to why I don't, I'll leave that for the next post.
Saturday, May 14, 2016
It’s been awhile since the last post. When I stop writing it’s difficult to get back into the habit and I have no idea if this one will result in a surge of ideas resulting in subsequent posts. But at least it’s a start. The other day I received an email from a friend. Our conversations have moved from one topic to another over the months but in this most recent email the comment was made “money is power” and my friend asked if my views on giving up financial control to Katie is something I still feel good about.
Apparently his wife is taking control of their finances and the adjustment has been just that – an adjustment. It’s hard for me to remember how I felt back then when Katie assumed control. If I recall correctly, it was something I welcomed. I welcomed it because I came from a marriage where I controlled the money but was married to a woman who loved using the plastic regardless of the modest income we generated. I hated that damn card. I hated always being behind the eight-ball and the feeling of never being able to stay ahead. I hated having to tell my children ‘no’ when they asked to do this or that because I knew of the financial implications and the need to try to stay ahead of the next bill. I hated everything about money.
So when Katie wanted control I willingly gave it up. That’s my background b to get to the question posed in the email: is money power? I think the answer is both yes and no. It’s a no because Katie has to pay the bills. Sure, she knows the balance in our checking and savings and I don’t. She knows if we are staying in the black and if our safety margin between black and red is growing or shrinking. That might be power but it’s also responsibility and for some it may be stressful as it did for me. Personally I’m glad to be free or that responsibility. But money is power in that Katie can buy what she wants, when she wants. I don’t have that freedom. In our home she usually tells me what she purchased but does so more after the fact than before. That’s the power. That’s the freedom she enjoys.
On the flip side, not having that freedom is what I asked for when I asked to submit. I wanted to remain dependent. I wanted to not have so many choices. I wanted to give up, let go, and put my trust in her. I wanted all of that because I came to realize by doing so it would promote closeness. I crave closeness and do so through my submission. It’s what I can’t seem to get enough of. It’s the mysterious paradox of the dominant/submissive relationship that makes no sense to those that live with equal power. But remember, the primary reason I wanted to submit was to draw me closer to Katie and in the area of finances I knew that having money meant having control. I find myself resisting control. I want to let go a whole lot more than I want to grasp on and keep for my own because I understand the consequences of that choice.
The peace I experienced by letting go took place because my heart was in a place to let go. I think my friend’s heart isn’t quite in that same place. I’m making assumptions but I suspect he is being forced to give up and being forced to live without while his heart isn’t quite ready to go there and fully trust in his spouse and her decisions.
For the mistresses of the world reading this, there is responsibility in having those freedoms. In the financial realm there is the responsibility to live within ones’ means. Our homes are not like the government. We reap the painful consequences of poor financial choices a whole lot sooner than governments (although in the end there is no joy by going further into debt). Just because you have control doesn’t mean the wallet won’t eventually run dry. And in that respect, even mistresses have to submit to the hard realities of life. Mistresses submitting, mmmm, now there is a thought to ponder!
Am I glad I let go? You better believe it. Do I have second thoughts? Sometimes. Of course there are times when I wish I could get this, or do that, or go there, but I understand the momentary satisfaction of making that purchase risks me losing the greater good of living dependently on her. For me, there is no better place to be because to remain needy equates to remaining intimately close. And that is what I want more than anything else – intimacy.