Friday, October 6, 2017

When Being Nice, Isn’t Nice

Many years ago I taught at the college/university level. Students I taught had as their objective, not only graduating but also passing a national exam which provided them with the required professional credential necessary for employment in their field of study. I made it a practice on every first class to review the course syllabus and explain what I expected of them and what they could expect from me.

When I got to discussing the nature of the course exams I always stated, “I don’t want you to get an A on my exam.” That always got their attention. I went on to explain my definitions of a ‘C’ (average) a ‘B’ (better than most) and an ‘A’ (you know everything).  I personalized those definitions to make my point. “So if you get a B that means you are doing better than most people sitting here. Not everyone can do better than most, can they?”

I loved giving them a dose of reality but in truth I wanted them to think beyond the immediate. I didn’t want them to come into class thinking they were going to get an A or a B without mastering the material. I wanted them to work. I didn’t want them to just do well enough to pass my exam, I wanted them to really understand the content and concepts. I wanted them to recall four-years of information in order to pass their professional exam when it was time to take it. That was the goal. The class they took from me was only a small part of the total picture.

And so I pushed them. If you’d ask them now, they’d tell you my classes were challenging. Well good. They needed to be challenged. They needed to be pushed. I encountered many a tear, and many a ‘I can’t do this’. Every now and again someone would drop the course but the vast majority pressed on. They made the choice to do what I asked. They made the choice to work hard and those that did, received the A’s and B’s they earned. Sometimes I watched them struggle. For as much as my heart went out to them in their struggle to succeed, I knew I had to keep pushing them to do better, be more precise, and come to see the’ why’ beyond the ‘what’ they were doing.

What I learned over the years were several things. If I took an interest in them and let them know I cared, they responded positively.  If I didn’t settle for mediocrity neither would they. If I set the standard for the grade they sought high, they went after it.

I tell you that story because so many parallels exist between teaching students and leading a submissive.  Dominant women who don’t require much from their submissives will get exactly that – not much out of them.  Dominant women who only have their submissives do things for them every now and again will end up with a man whose mind might remain on them but more often than not will wander elsewhere.  Dominant women who feel guilty when having to render consequences for misbehavior, forgetfulness, or poor effort will reap what they sow. They will have a husband who knows he can get away with things if he wants.

In many ways my Katie fits the bill of an easy teacher.  Yes, I have agreed to submit and yes she has told me I have to do chores X, Y and Z. However, I can’t tell you the last time those chores were critiqued. I can’t tell you the last time she has added more to my list. I can’t tell you the last time she’s made me repeat a chore because it wasn’t done properly.  In many ways Katie has allowed me to submit – somewhat on my own terms – if that makes sense.  She has allowed me to do things when I want, rather than when she wants. 

But here is the problem with that way of thinking and leading. If a mistress expects little, she will get little.  If she requires more, she will get more. If she requires much, she will get much. What complicates matters when it comes to relationships of all kind is the human element. He has feelings as do you.  You having him do more might initially feel awkward. Him having to do more might frustrate him (as in, ‘aren’t I doing enough already?’). But remember, he wants to serve you. As his mistress you have every right to demand is everything.  Think about that. His everything. His all. If he is your submissive, and you are his dominant, don’t you have a right to demand his life revolve around you?

While writing this post, Katie just sent me a text. It was a copy of a check from me having worked on the side. I commented it was me earning my keep. She responded, “this is your mistress’ money”.  She wants all of my finances. She views it as hers. She gets quite a bit every two weeks. I get $20.  That is being demanding.  But I have learned to live within her parameters. Some may see the little I get as being wrong and selfish and inconsiderate but I believe Katie sees this as one way to keep me dependent on her. I have to rely on her financially, and for us, this has worked well.

I’m going to see a ‘boy doctor’ soon. Katie asked how I am going to answer him should he ask how often I ejaculate. “I’m going to tell him the truth,” I answered. “So you’re going to tell him you only cum around major holidays?” Was her reply.  We both chuckled but I understood the implied words of her answer. She controls my orgasms. I don’t. I don’t have releases very often yet we have sex lots.  Those times are for her pleasure. She is the focus. We become close when she wants and that period of closeness comes to an end when she has had enough. It’s not for me to decide when and for how long (although I’m always open to the possibility :). Some would view this as her being selfish and in some ways it is. But I understand my role is to provide and she understands her freedoms. My body is there for hers to enjoy, on her time schedule and frequency. We have a one-way relationship when it comes to being intimate – but we both love things as they are.

Asserting control can be a powerful tool to control your man’s mind.  I am of the belief that men are mountain climbers. We are goal oriented and once we’ve reached ‘that goal’, we tend to move on.  Unfortunately conquering our wives can be one of those mountains we climb. Once we get her, it’s easy to move on, especially when the marriage is getting on in years and the honeymoon feelings have long passed. 

But in a FLR, the wife can keep her man from ever reaching the point where he thinks about moving on. She can keep his attention on her. By doing so, she can keep her marriage alive and rich and rewarding. She can keep his thoughts and actions on her and she can reap the benefits of the gifts he has to offer. She can have her dream marriage.

But in order to maintain him where he needs to be, may necessitate her not always being nice.  Sometimes she needs to assert her authority, express her frustrations, be critical in how he is performing, and so on. She must maintain control when his dominant side rears its head. She can’t be a push over. She can’t give him power. She can’t allow him to think he can call the shots.  To do so is to walk fatally close to a line that will weaken her FLR/WLM.

So how does she avoid that error? She assumes the role of the demanding teacher. She evaluates what he currently does. She considers the freedoms she has given him. She considers if she should add to his list. She evaluates whether or not he can do more on her behalf. She approaches her assessment of him from the perspective of: he is here to please me. What more would I like him to do for me.

I know personally that when Katie pushes me. When she insists I do more. When she tells me to do things on her time-table, I rise to the occasion. It’s in my nature to obey and please. However, I also know I can be lazy when left to my own. That’s when I need her. That’s when I need her supervision and assertive nature. That’s called supervising and training your submissive. That’s teaching me to become more disciplined. Becoming more ‘her focused’ won’t happen without her supervision and insistence. But if it’s important I do more for her and less for me, she can make those changes take place. It’s all up to her.

Too many wives feel guilty when it comes to taking control of their husband in a FLR.  Yet women want more than anything to be seen by their husband as the best woman he’s ever met. They want to be loved, cherished, adored, appreciated, feel secure and valued and know he sees her as beautiful both inside and out.

And the truth is ….. all that is there for her taking. It really is. It’s right there, but it’s up to her to take what is hers. Wives control their own fate. Why a woman who is married to a confessed submissive, refuses to demand more out of him but instead settles for less, I’ll never understand.  Why mistresses don’t insist their husbands give their all, I’ll never fathom.

Submissive men WANT to be controlled.  Ladies, YOUR control IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE. I can’t impress the magnitude of that truth enough. Your level of control and involvement in his life is what feeds his desire to love you as his dominant. It’s what draws him close and keeps him close. Your sometimes heavy-hand and critical attitude, is what keeps his eyes and thoughts from wandering elsewhere. You, the dominant, control that. The ball is in your court. Why you don’t want to keep him right there – riveted to you in every way, I’ll never get. - and you can have it all. You can have all he has to give for so little effort.

In speaking for myself I can tell you: submission is my love language. Having Katie require more rather than less, having her be more critical of what she asks is what I want. I don’t ever interpret her dominant attitude as anything other than her expressing what is rightfully hers to express. It’s what I want. I want to see her dominance and confidence. I find her strength enticingly sexy. I love feeling her control and when I see it I view her as the most incredible woman ever. Her authority is an expression of her love for me.

But when she chooses to cater to my wants or allow me to relax while she works; when she demands less rather than more; when she refuses to remind me my life revolves around her happiness; when she puts up with my mood swings; when she doesn’t engage me in dominant/submissive conversations; when she makes sacrifices to suit me, rather than having me make sacrifices to suit her - she limits to some degree – the intensity of my love for her.

She, in effect, reduces the degree to which I impulsively want to adore, respect, and admire her. It’s not that I ever stop loving her but there is a loss in the intensity of that love when I don’t feel her dominance. I need her ‘mistressing’. I need that daily reminder that I’m hers, that I am here to serve her. When Katie expresses her dominance I change. I don’t understand all the reasons for it but I know I do. When Katie becomes truly dominant:

I become more affectionate

I become more adoring

I think about my wife more frequently when we are apart

I complement her more often

I am more open and expressive of my feelings

I am more prone to do more rather than less

I want to serve and I ache to be near her

I view her as the most wonderful person ever

All of that just happens. It just does. She gets all of that simply by exerting control. She gets all of that when she takes a little time out of her day to make sure I’m serving, working and focusing on her. She gets all of that when she states in no uncertain terms, my role in life is serving her and nothing less. She gets all of that when she takes time for the two of us to discuss our WLM openly.  And of course, if she plays around and uses her sexiness to her advantage, she can get all of that and a whole lot more.

Love to hear your thoughts.

I’m Hers

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Guest Post: The Need for Adjustments

It's my pleasure to include a post from a dear friend. I contacted Katie Christian asking if she would consider writing periodic posts. She accepted and below are some thoughts she recently penned.  I encourage you to comment to share your impressions, opinions and thoughts. So without further adieu...... 


On Thursday evening I said to my husband that after working in the garden today a massage would feel wonderful.
That was more an expectation I was sharing, than a request. He immediately responded that he was too tired to give a massage tonight before he wandered off to finish his chores. This did not sit well with me and left me wondering what was going on. 

Friday offered much time of quiet contemplation and I realized that I had been significantly more demanding lately of things I expected him to get done in spite of his work load. Additionally, I had not kept up my end of making the effort or finding the time to do those little things that inspire his attentiveness. 

Like most wives we wish our husbands were more like the little oven sold on late night television, set it and forget it. But it really does not work that way in relationships.

The sexy little things I would occasionally wear had been replaced with loose jeans and a baggy t-shirt. I was no longer sliding up to him and "gripping" his manhood while telling him how much I appreciated all he did for me. I too had been too tired many an evening to be pleasured, choosing to settle for a light back rub to put me to sleep. 

He has arrived to the place that he NEEDS to pleasure me or he feels cheated. WE now call MY orgasms OUR orgasms and WE hadn't had any in quite some time. No wonder he was losing his edge.
I can't remember the last time I kissed him passionately for a few minutes, rubbing myself on him before sending him to work reminding him that I would be relaxing or doing anything I wanted because he was so good to care for me. I know I have told him that many times before which made it easy to forget how much he likes hearing it. I hadn't sent him any personal pictures, no steamy texts, no teasing notes left where he would find them. When you consider I do almost no housework, am free to spend as I choose, go where and when I want, because he pours himself out to take care of me and to provide me this kind of life, I really have no excuse for not taking the little time and effort it takes to keep him engaged.

But that does not justify him telling me he was too tired to give me a massage. It just does not work that way in our household.

On Saturday morning our routine is for me to sit in a chair in our bedroom as I present the key to remove the cage he has worn all week. I have a warm wash cloth I use to take a few minutes to wash his manhood and inspect it for any chafing or damage before sending him on his way allowing him swing free for the weekend. Since we will be together the entire time it is safe to do so. But this Saturday was different. Adjustments had to be made. My cleaning and inspection had their usual effect of causing him to become engorged. I instructed him to go get me some ice cubes that I wrapped in the wash cloth and applied to his genitals to rid him of the erection.  While doing so I told him I had plans for him this weekend. After re-locking him I released him to attend to his Saturday chores but told him to be ready to leave at 10:40 for a 11:00 am appointment. On Friday I had called  a local massage business and told them I wanted a massage by someone with strong hands. I was too shy to ask outright for a man to give me a massage as that just feels . . . forward. My strong hands hint did in fact have the result I wanted as I was schedule to be massaged by Derek. When I arrived for the massage with my husband in tow I was introduced to Derek. He was neither handsome, nor hard on the eyes. I am bad with guessing someone's age but I would guess he was 7 or 8 years younger than me.
I told Derek that my husband was there to learn how to do massages as he led me to the room. Derek said he would return in a few minutes and that I should get as undressed as I felt comfortable and to then lie down on the table face down and pull the sheet over me.

I am not sure who was more surprised that I got completely naked, my husband or me. I had never been naked with another man in the room my entire life except for my hubby. After I laid on the table and he covered me with the sheet he settled into the chair in the corner. He looked so cute sitting there holding my clothes. Derek soon entered, adjusted the lights, turned on some music, and proceeded to send me into a relaxing bliss. The 50 minutes went by way far too fast, lost in a blur of rubbing hands and adjusted sheets. It felt somewhat naughty to be touched by another man having only a strategically situated sheet covering so little of me. Part of me worried about what hubby was feeling, but I dismissed those thoughts by reminding myself that he had his chance and blew it. When time was up and Derek excused himself from the room so I could dress, I enjoyed laying there in that room and just relaxing. I so wanted to fall asleep. I had hubby hand me my clothes and dressed in front of him then asked him to take his debit card and go pay the bill and leave Derek a good tip. Because hubby gets just $25.00 per week put into that account I knew it must have hurt a little to spend almost 4 weeks of allowance for another man to massage your wife.

When we arrived home I had hubby make lunch and we ate it on the back deck. The combination of the massage, the meal, and the laziness of a quiet Saturday afternoon had me ready for a nap. I asked husband to please bring me a tea in an hour I was going to lay down. It seems I had just laid down when I found my hair being stroked as he tried to wake me. I sat up and with my tea in one hand and using the other hand to scroll through Pinterest and then Facebook I soon sipped the tea cup empty.

When hubby came in to see what the rest of our day looked like I asked him to sit in the chair and wait. I set my laptop aside and slid down under the sheets and closed my eyes. I almost fell back to sleep. I laid there and looked out the screen door to the back deck and just enjoyed the beauty of the day. Outside it was quiet except for the sounds of nature, we live in the country, and a warmer than usual fall breeze would occasionally blow in bringing with it the smell of apples from our trees. I began to trace my fingers over my body and was surprised how sensual it all felt. I closed my eyes and allowed my mind to wander. The touch became much more intentional as both my hands found their way to just below my belly button and I celebrated my femininity. In fact I celebrated 3 or 4 times and some how finished face down with my rump in the air. 

As the muscle spasms subsided and my breathing returned to normal I peeled away the sheet and approached him still sitting in the chair. Without making eye contact I walked up to him and gently rubbed my fingers under his nose before sliding them into his mouth. 

That evening he asked if we could talk to which I responded that there was nothing to talk about and went about my business. Saturday night we cuddled on the couch and watched a movie of my choosing.  I made sure to have him fetch and do for me.

Sunday night typically is the night that I have a soaking bath and this night was no different except I made sure to involve him in every way I could think. Wash this, brush that, trim there, paint these. 

Our routine for the end of Sunday night is for me to fondle him for a while, we call it "exercise time" before putting the cage back on for the coming week. As we laid in bed I sat up, leaned over him bracing myself on his caged manhood and passionately kissed him. After a few minutes, I whispered into his ear that I was too tired for exercise time tonight and laid back down. I woke up a few hours later with my hand still on his cage. I was surprised he had fallen asleep so I gently rubbed him through the cage until he started to stir and then I went back to sleep.

He will be home in a few hours today and I have a feeling he will be a bit more attentive. What do you think?

Monday, September 11, 2017

Overcoming feelings of guilt and the need to do things for him

Hello IH... I've been following your blog for a while now and I know you've had some emotional ups and downs. I'm wondering if Katie regularly practices tease and denial when you're locked up to keep you interested or if you've just learned with experience to accept her moods as law. As a busy woman/wife/mom, I find it difficult to find the energy to tease him some days, and at the same time I always carry so much guilt over not teasing as he seems to go into a depression. It’s confusing and I find the balance hard...

Rather than answering this comment on the post of which it was posted, I decided to use it as a blog topic. I find this comment to be a significant one and wanted to give it more attention than a short one paragraph answer.  

The short answer to this comment is Katie doesn’t usually tease me while I’m being denied. Like this woman noted, I too went through some ups and downs but those had nothing to do with whether or not I was teased.  I wanted her active involvement in our WLM.  I didn’t want to be her honey-do man and feel like I was living in a vanilla marriage. I didn’t want to be just a guy who did what I was told. I wanted to be reminded I was married to a mistress. I wanted to see her dominant side. I didn’t want her always asking me questions. I wanted her taking charge and reminding me of who I was to her and have her feel free to reveal who she knew she was to me. I wanted to be owned and reminded of such. 

But what does a woman to do when she feels guilty about doing or not doing something? How should she handle this kind of situation?  Ultimately the answer to this question, regardless of the relationship, comes back to communication.  The two of them need to talk and share honestly and openly with one another. But the two of them need to discuss issues with the understanding that ‘she’ is the one who will eventually decide, and ‘he’ will eventually agree to abide by her decision.

At the heart of a WLM, FLR, or an “I want to submit to you sweetheart” relationship, is the power dynamic shift. And at the heart of that power shift is the understanding that the woman will gain freedom while the man agrees to give up freedoms and take orders from her. He’s expected to be a compliant, obedient husband.  So in the comment above, the thought that went through my mind as I read was: why should he be expected to be teased at all?  I mean, think about it. Isn’t he HER submissive? And because he is, doesn’t that mean it is his role to please and serve her? Why is he expecting something from her? That’s what dominants do. They expect. Submissives don’t expect. They give. They follow. They do. Why is she feeling the pressure to do things for him? Why is she feeling guilt for not ‘doing’ something for him? Shouldn’t this be the other way around? Shouldn’t he be concerned about doing more for her?

I see this man as one who needs to better understand that stimulating his little boy will be her major focus. It might be. But then again, it may not. It all depends on what she decides and if she sees a need to do this – or wants to do this. I have read many blogs in which the WLM has an “I’ll do this for you” if “you do this for me” expectation. I don’t find that relationship to be a WLM at all. I view those relationships as ‘play’ FLR/WLMs and not real-life ones. In a real WLM the man knows his role in life is serving her. In a real WLM she expects service and knows that service should come without the expectation of returning it with a ‘treat’. 

But should the woman do things for her husband? I believe the answer to that varies individually. Just as I believe it’s my responsibility is to keep Katie happy and content, it is her responsibility to make sure I do to the best of my ability. If she sees me slacking off or becoming more moody, I would hope she’d want to consider why my behavior is changing. Why is he suddenly acting this way? I’d think the thought: ‘somethings going on with him’ should come to her mind and if it does she should address the issue. That’s what dominants do. They stay on top of their submissives. They maintain control.

Maybe all that’s needed is for her to sit me down and flesh out the issue. “I don’t care what you want to share, I want the truth and I want all of the truth. Now start talking.”  Maybe she needs to consider whether or not she has changed. Has she stopped giving him the attention he needs? Has life gotten so busy that his submission has taken a back seat to all that is going on in her world at the moment? Maybe all that is needed is for her to express her dominance more overtly. Maybe she needs to fill his sexual tank (by serving her, of course).  Whatever she decides, at the heart of it all is her doing enough to reinforce her dominance and his submission and remind him he is loved (both as her husband AND as her submissive).

I will say this about my own life: I don’t get all that I want – ever. Even though I wish she would do/permit/allow more, when those feelings of ‘loss’ come, I step back and realize what I do have. I have a woman that loves me. I have a woman that knows she is in charge. I have a woman that does things her way. I believe if this woman can see those traits in herself she will move to a deeper level of understanding regarding what it means to be in charge.  Bosses won’t please everyone. It just doesn’t happen in life.  My second suggestion is this: I guarantee that if she assumes greater control of his life (meaning she demands more, pushes harder, expects more, stops asking questions and makes her desires made known in clear direct statements) he will forget all about his want to have her stimulate him.  Stimulation is a mind-thing. Yet we men are sexually oriented but submission is a state of mind. Deal with his mind and he will be yours forever.

I wish I could have a conversation with this woman. (and my email is: should you wish to write).  I wish I had the chance to understand her situation more clearly. I wish I knew how long she’s been the dominant person in the relationship.  Too many unknowns.  If this is a newer relationship, his response makes more sense.  I say that because I believe it takes time for men to learn what it really means to be a submissive. Too many men ‘expect’ something in return for being submissive.  I disagree.  They shouldn’t expect anything. They should always know they are loved and appreciated but they shouldn't expect. Should she choose give him something that stimulates his submissive mind, he should view her gift as a treat and not as something he will get every time he repeats that task. That mentality promotes the desire for him to manipulate her for his benefit. Submissives don’t do that.  What he should expect is her uncompromising, unwavering love and understanding that as a dominant woman she will take her of him as she sees fit.

I don't believe this woman shouldn’t feel as if she needs to tease when she doesn’t have the time (or desire). That is her prerogative as the mistress. And it’s his duty to accept whatever she chooses. Of course if she wants to fill his submissive tank, she can tease in lots of ways. They may or may not involve touching. Speaking certain words, sending well worded texts, engaging him in a short conversation when the day starts to set the proper tone, etc. I’m sure she already knows what some of his ‘submissive triggers’ are and can use them to remind (and stimulate) him with little effort.

I recently read about a husband who was becoming moody. His wife had him put his collar on and that act brought about a behavioral change. How much effort did that take? Now I’m sure she said some things that flipped all the right switches in his submissive mind when she snapped that collar on, but my point is, she did something that was easy for her and brought about the change he needed.

What I believe may not be what you do. If you feel differently, chime in. Share your point of view. I encourage you to express your thoughts. How would you answer this woman’s question and help her overcome these feelings of guilt?

I’m Hers

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Pondering the Profound

As always, certain comments from various blogs sometimes give me pause to consider their significance for extended periods of time.  Recently I’ve been thinking about the comment made by my blog-friend Katie Christian – the comment I posted a few weeks previous.  I had all but let it go when I happened upon another of my favorite bloggers, Namaste. I believe she is physician of sorts and I find those versed in the health science fields of value because of the analytical way that they often think. 

Namaste, like Katie Christian, restricts ejaculation during intimacy. The former does so for periods longer than the latter but regardless of the time between releases, both women deny their husbands.
I happen to be married to a woman who believes similarly. My release times are few and far between when compared to the number of our times spent in sexual intimacy.  It’s not that my Katie dislikes me ejaculating but rather she finds me to be more compliant and submissive when she withholds my releases. And like KC and Namaste she sees little value in allowing me to do so.

This belief in denial or retention is not foreign to most engaged in some form of a female led relationship. However I have not been a submissive for so long that I cannot remember those first times when we began this practice.  At first I was restricted for just a few days. That span grew to a week, then 10 days, then two weeks and so forth. Before I knew it, Katie had me retaining for periods of three to six months and longer.

My purpose for writing about this topic is to direct my thoughts to those who are relatively new to living in a FLR and wondering about the practice of orgasm denial.  If you are a woman who has recently taken charge of your relationship, or at the very least, your sexual relationship, or if you are a male curious about denial and are still coming to grips with this alternative view on ejaculation frequency, I think it would behoove you to read the following statement and subsequent rationale carefully.  Furthermore I would recommend you read the post on the FLR 101 blog a few times and really think about the underlying rationale behind orgasm denial.  You can find the link on the side bar of this blog.

There are many important topics that one can explore when it comes to living under the loving direction of a dominant woman and I consider denial to be one of the more important ones. I see it important because when a man turns over the frequency of his releases to his wife and takes up the position that sexual intimacy is more about her than him, it indeed has a profound impact on how a man views himself within the marriage. Sex with a desire to provide pleasure rather than receive pleasure tightens the marital bond. It increases intimacy in ways I cannot fully explain but have experienced because I know my role is providing pleasure to Katie rather than expecting to get it (at her expense).  

Namaste (FLR 101 blog) put it this way. She stated, “I would contend that …. if he submits to his wife in this one area (denial), the whole relationship will transcend to a different level.”

I don’t know about you but in that statement I can feel her desire to experience a more loving, caring, passionate relationship with the man she loves. I know that my Katie denies me because she wants only my very best. I know she has no intention to humiliate or deny me just because she can. She does so because my denial enriches (and prolongs) our times of intimacy. Denial has allowed me to become a better lover. Denial has enabled her to enhance her sexual enjoyment while with me. And after she has had enough the impact of my denial only increases. I am left wanting more and as a result I act on that desire by maintaining an affectionate doting attitude between our times spent being close.  I could continue but I'd like you to read again the statement by Katie Christian and her rationale for insisting her husband love her in the ways she expects.

The statement:
"I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were created with the ability to have multiple orgasms. He no longer has orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and I provide him that opportunity."

The Rationale

I adore my husband. I love nearly everything about him. He is my soulmate, and brings such joy to my life. I cannot imagine life without him. My husband did not initiate this in our relationship. We arrived here mutually, with my guidance.

Normal intercourse just wasn't my thing. It was of course necessary since we wanted children, but since those days are gone it became just another chore I had to do. Don't get me wrong, I love the attention from my husband, I love feeling desirable, I love his pursuing me with his touches and kisses but then I was left with this "mess" that served no purpose at all. On top of that, his apparent desire for me was gone for the next few days or a week. That just didn't seem like how it was supposed to be. 

I got to the place, as likely many of your readers wives are though they haven't spoke up, that I despised his orgasms. It meant that I had a mess to clean up, I was no longer desirable, and he seemed to be in a down, even depressed mood afterward. Somehow, this didn't seem like the way it should end. In the midst of one of our moments of intimacy he sensed something was wrong and so he asked. I held nothing back. I had no desire to hurt him. I just wanted what was best for both of us. So I blurted it all out. Why are we doing this? We don't want any more children so why are you dumping seed in me? I have been created with the ability to have multiple orgasms, why do I get, maybe one? Why do I then have to wait up to a week for another? I could have 3 today and 2 more tomorrow if you found me desirable every day. 

He tried to tell me I was desirable to him. I responded that if he orgasms he would not pursue me again for days or more. He would touch me less, his kisses would lose their "heat", he wouldn't look at me that way that makes me get all warm inside. He said that the problem wasn't me but that after a man orgasms he loses the drive for sex for a few days. And as I have gotten older the number of days have become more. I let his words hang in the air for impact before I looked him in the eyes and gently asked a question I already had the answer to. If we spend time together in intimacy and you didn't orgasm we could play longer and maybe even again tomorrow? I swear to you, he looked like a 5 year old boy who was just caught with his hand in the cookie jar!

I continued, then why are you having an orgasm? His answer was because it felt good. I reminded him about how he often felt afterwards, like it was some kind of let down. Wouldn't it feel better, more exciting to have participated in me having a number of orgasms, let me help you "step back from the cliff" so to speak, and we could play again tomorrow? And so it began . . .

And to further your thinking, here is another quote from Namaste’s most recent post.

The biggest thing for my husband was changing the perception of his ejaculation as a "given" in intercourse to ejaculation being optional.  My perception also changed about this as well.  I know this isn't practical, but in an ideal world, I think men should only ejaculate when trying to conceive a child, and the rest of the time during the relationship, he should be retaining in order to foster maximum emotional intimacy in the relationship.  My husband certainly doesn't do this, but still his perception of his ejaculation has gone from (1) it's totally up to him whenever and wherever to (2) "I want to ejaculate to (3) I need to discuss this with her."  And we'll have a meeting and dicuss it. to (4) it's up to me to decide if it's the most prudent thing for him or not.  Ejaculation is not a frivolous thing for him as it is for most males.  That's a huge change for him and it has a ripple effect to other aspects of his psyche.

Enjoy your week

I’m Hers

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Spreading the word

At work today I encountered a late 20’s colleague who recently married.  “Hi Mike,” I asked. “How is married life?” I was aware he married at some point earlier this summer.

It was such a simple question but one in which he responded with an answer that was far from simple. It began with the deep audible exhalation that had a ‘whew’ sound to it. He followed that emotional release with, “it’s been an adjustment.” 

I grinned. There were two other women in the office area and I noticed one immediately suppress a similar grin.  Of course the ever inquisitive me couldn’t resist and I pressed on with something to the effect of ‘what’s the problem?”

He talked about how tough it’s been to all of a sudden live with another person and expressed some of the difficulty he’s been having in working through their differences.  Room temperature, who’s going to watch what on TV, sleep habits, the predictable toilet seat battle, and more. 

“Michael, I’m going to give you a piece of advice from an old guy,” I said after letting him vent. “There is such truth to that old adage a happy wife means a happy life. Just let things go. They are not that important. Really they aren't. Why can’t you enjoy watching what she watches?”

"I know," he answered solemnly. He listened and one woman nodded but then added added "it works both ways".  I said nothing more until we left the office area together. Once we did and had some privacy I looked him in the eye and spoke.

“You know I was married once for over 20 years but ended up in a divorce.” He didn’t know that and I knew it. “I remarried and am happier than I’ve ever been. But do you know what? When I separated I spent a lot of time thinking over why things went bad with my marriage and what I did to help make it fail. One thing that kept coming to mind was my controlling nature. I wanted to control the money. I wanted to watch what I wanted on TV, go where I wanted to go and I constantly questioned my wife’s decisions.”

Michael listened. I had his ear. “But when I remarried I made a choice to let go. Michael I am so happy and we are so happy. We don’t butt heads. We don’t argue. I gave her the remote one day and told her, ‘this is yours’. Of course I told her I’d love to watch football on Sunday but if she wants to go out and do something on a Sunday afternoon then that's what we do. And I don’t pout. I’ll hear what the score was later and I can read all about it for all of the following week.”

“And as to the toilet seat, I make sure it’s down when I’m done.” (I didn’t tell him I usually sit).

“You know,” he said with feeling, “she woke me up at 2:30 in the morning because I left the seat up.”

I grinned and told him that her waking him wasn't all because he left the seat up. I mean it was but then again, it wasn’t. It was about him not considering her needs above his own. Just put it down when you're done, I suggested. I challenged him by asking why the default position for a toilet seat needs to be in the up position. Why can’t it be down?

Again, Michael listened and I’m sure we will have follow up discussions in the weeks ahead.  At no time did I speak of obedience, submission, or power exchange. I kept it simple and straight forward and yet I remained honest and open with him.  It was easy for me to see there is a power struggle going on in their home. Each is trying to establish and mark their territory. Each hopes the other will yield to the other. What I wanted Michael to hear was another option. I wanted him to consider that rather than fighting for what he felt he deserved that a better alternative might be letting his new bride have her way. Isn't that what love in action looks like - putting others first?

At one point I told him about one of my children and their spouse. This boy who married into the family keeps the thermostat at a temp that makes it uncomfortable for his wife (my daughter) and always has the TV on a sports channel even when there is no one in the room to watch it. He watches sports all the time. I know she doesn’t like his TV habits and doesn’t appreciate him changing the temp all the time. 

“Michael, I’ve been debating if I should insert my thoughts into my kids marriage by telling her husband that he’s being selfish and thinking of himself first. He has no leg to stand on. He is being selfish. He is putting himself first. It’s obvious that he is. Can’t you see that?”

Again, Michael, somewhat wide-eyed and attentive, nodded. “He’s putting a damn sports game ahead of his wife (who by the way is gorgeous) and he’s doing the same thing with the temperature. It’s all about him and she doesn't like it and I think he's making bad choices that will eventually hurt their marriage."

I hope Mike thinks about our short talk. I hope he reconsiders his options. I hope he starts putting the desires of his wife ahead of his own.  I hope you do the same with yours.

I’m Hers

Saturday, August 5, 2017

A Woman's View of Submission

Some weeks ago I was reading another blog. In the comment section I found a short statement on what this particular wife expected of her husband.  Now I specifically did not use the words mistress or submissive but it is my belief there is clearly a dominant and submissive/secondary partner in this marital bond. Here is what she wrote (with me doing some minor edits)

"I have no desire to subjugate or humiliate my husband. I do however expect his world to revolve around mine. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal, my satisfaction is his aim. We have gotten to the place that we understand that women were created with the ability to have multiple orgasms. He no longer has orgasms during our times of intimacy. For health reasons, I still allow my husband to discharge, but only in a practical, functional way. He derives his pleasure from giving, and I provide him that opportunity. "

Upon reading that paragraph, one word and one emotion kept resonating in me: 'wow!'

So many blogs discuss dominance and submission from a 'you do this for me and I'll do that for you' mindset.  I'm sure the majority of submissive men enter into D/s relationships with the expectation they will be getting something from their dominate partner. Its my opinion that very few men agree to submit unilaterally.  My guess is it has much to do with their woman being new to the idea of being dominant. It's difficult to break the stereotypical mold of how grandmom and even Mother viewed and cared for their husbands.

But regardless of how we felt back then (or if you are considering popping the 'I want to submit to you' question to the woman you love), consider the above statement. What can we glean from it?

First, she makes it clear she wants to respect her husband. She has no interest in turning him into anything less of the man whom she fell in love with. Second, and now we get to the nitty-gritty, she makes the direct statement that her marriage is a one way road. She expects him to do what is needed to satisfy her. "I expect his world to revolve around me. I am his purpose, nothing less. My happiness is his goal; my satisfaction is his aim."

Pretty powerful words. Very powerful words.  What she never stated was the two-way aspect of their relationship. Now that doesn't mean it isn't there. It doesn't mean she doesn't satisfy his need to feel loved and accepted and appreciated but it sure appears her reciprocation comes secondary to his efforts to satisfy her. 

Isn't this an ideal definition of what it means to truly submit? I have been thinking about her comment for weeks now. I found her thought so succinct and well stated. There's no fluff. She goes straight to the heart of what it is she expects from her husband - service. She addresses their sexual relationship but there was really no need. Having a man who is dedicated to put her priorities first at all times includes what goes on in the bedroom, what happens during their Saturday and Sundays together, how they interact when with friends, vacations, menu, house chores, social outings, etc., etc.  

Rather than go on and on I'd rather hear your thoughts. How would you feel if your wife made the above statement to you? How would you feel if the one rule your wife gave you on no uncertain terms was "I expect you to put me first and make me your number one priority in everything you do." What if you countered with something to the effect of 'sure I will but....." and she cut you off right there? What if she told you that as her submissive it's not about what I do for you but rather you finding unprecedented joy by serving me?

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

I'm Hers

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Unseen Submission

Since that (wonderfully) fateful day when I approached my wife after having had many discussions about a FLR and the eventual evening when I asked if she would take me as her sub I’ve learned quite a bit about myself as well as what it means to be the submissive partner.  I know that I, like many, entered into the world of FLR/WLM with the expectation that there would be a thrill-aspect to it. And I will admit, there has been to some degree. But after those first years came and went and the novelty of it all became life’s norm, I realized there was another side to submission. There was a mundane side to it all. I soon realized that I'd be in the kitchen every day and doing the same chores, every day or week. What then gave me a psychological high morphed into me just doing hat she wanted - all the time.

Maybe it’s kin to being married. There is the expectation of being a couple, the actual ceremony, the honeymoon and honeymoon period that follows….. but then life goes on. It’s not that it becomes a negative part of life but it doesn’t feel the same as when first married.  With respect to my submission, I have entered the point where the beginning happened so long ago and the end will never be (nor do I want it to end) that I’m in that middle zone, simply living as a submissive man to my wonderful wife.

Submission is both a concrete – you do this for me – thing as well as a psychological state of being – I only want to make you happy. 

I was making breakfast for Katie some time ago when I first thought something quite significant. I was about to select an egg to fry. I had a choice. Do I give her the largest two eggs or cook her the smaller ones and keep the larger ones for me? A few minutes later I sliced two pieces of bread to toast. Again I thought: do I give her the larger slice or the smaller? When the toast was ready I needed to butter it. Again I thought: do I butter it on her plate and leave bread crumbs or butter it on mine and place the toast (all pretty and ready) on her plate? 

As I made my choices – all good ones, mind you, I realized that Katie knew nothing about what I was thinking, nor what I did.  Those simple choices were unseen reinforcers of who I was and who she was. There was no thrill in what I did. I was just making her breakfast; something I do every day of the week, every week of the month, and every month of the year.  I didn’t do anything more than prepare her a plate of food.  But there was a ton more going on internally and those choices happen all the time.

For example, when entering a restaurant, I let her decide on which side of the table she wants to sit. When leaving to go somewhere I let her decide if she wants to drive or not. When we shop, I walk slightly behind so that she has the choice go where she wants in the store without feeling like she is following me. When I set out towels and washcloths I select the nice ones that I know she loves rather than just choosing an older one. When she’s watching a show, I won't distract her with questions or conversation until a commercial break if I know she's really focused on the program. When taking tops/shirts out of the wash that shouldn't be dried I hang hers first and mine after. It ensures the wrinkles stay out of her tops this way.  

Katie knows nothing about the choices I make with any of the above examples. Yet with each opportunity I have the privilege of making a choice to reinforce my submissive status. Although she is not a part of the mental decisions that precede my actions, I have the ability to willingly submit. I don't need to wait for her to remind me I'm hers. I can do that myself. 

You and I both know we're submissives to the one we serve and don't need to bug her to remind us of such. By making the choice to give her the better portion, to let her decide what she wants, to give her the best we have the offer, we can reinforce our submission through self directed means rather than by waiting for her to remind us we are.

I know my examples seem trivial, and in many ways they are. But most of what we do from the time we wake until we sleep is trivial. The degree of submission we show our dominant is a choice. We can show that during those 'wow' moments - and we should - but we must demonstrate our submissive status during the 100's of little choices that make up our day.

So I leave you with this thought: as you live out your day, what have you done to demonstrate your submission to your wife? Which of those are actions will she notice (bowing, kissing her feet, calling her mistress or goddess, etc)? and which are ones will she never see (choosing to serve her the nicest of the steaks you just cooked, etc)?  I hope as you think back on the week that was and as you enter the coming one, make your day filled with all kinds of examples that fit into both categories.

I'm Hers