Monday, January 8, 2018

Guest Post: Better Get Used to It

This is the third of what I hope will not be the last from my friend Katie Christian. Enjoy!

In my role as the head of our home, I feel it is my responsibility to keep things from becoming stagnant. As I see it, since he is not allowed to say no, and must follow my lead then I have nobody but myself to blame if our dominant/submissive relationship becomes stale. My remedy for this is that I push his and my boundaries by trying new things, even if I have reservations about them ever becoming a permanent part of our understanding.
I rarely inform him ahead of time unless I think the anticipation of the event would add something to it for him or me. I do allow him to express his thoughts or concerns to me respectfully, but after listening I usually let him know that I have heard his concerns, but we are moving forward with it anyhow. Sometimes, I just try it without warning.
So, there is a growing list of things we have tried. Some I have chosen to continue to practice. Some he found so distasteful I only use them as a threat. Some I have enjoyed or seen the benefit of that it has now become a part of our lifestyle.  

Each experiment results in one of the following:

If we will likely never do it again I will tell him it was a one-off.
If it is something I would enjoy on a limited basis I tell him it is now another tool in my toolbox.

If I really liked it and plan to “visit it” again soon, I usually say “better get used to it”.
For some time, he had been asking for me to introduce spanking into our time together, something that quite honestly provided little interest to me. I have no desire to humiliate or injure my husband.
But you know, we all change. I can’t tell you what it was, but it seemed that the idea of my husband making himself so vulnerable to me began to hold some appeal. I found myself thinking about it often.  As I gave it more thought I determined it would not be in my best interest to connect this with transgression on his part because if he enjoyed the experience than it could motivate him to do wrong just to induce the punishment. Does that make sense?
When I finally decided to give it a try I grabbed a cup of coffee and asked him to meet me in the dining room. I had him kneel on the floor in front of me, so I could look into his eyes as I communicated my thoughts.  I never expected the feeling of power, or the rush I would feel having my husband kneel before me as I calmly talked about giving his bare bottom a thrashing. I talked in a very matter of fact way, choosing carefully each word pausing often to measure the response in his eyes.

I extended the conversation with numerous sips of coffee allowing my words to sink in. It was strangely beautiful to be talking so calmly to my husband about spanking him. Was I getting excited? I know he was.

He honestly seemed embarrassed as he squirmed to adjust to his erection growing in his cage.
I am sure he hoped that the event would quickly follow, but I felt this is one of those times that the anticipation of it held a certain value. I simply told him when I am in the right mood I would let him know.
I was surprised that I found my anticipation growing. At least it would be fun to say that I had done it once.
I decided the day would be a Friday in case he needed a day or two to adjust to a sore bottom before going back to work. Friday morning I sent him a text letting him know that as soon as he got home from work and before he started with supper, I was going to warm his bottom. He had all day to think about it.
When he walked through the door that evening the expression on his face was priceless. I said nothing, I just walked up to him and began to kiss him passionately for several minutes. Then like a wife leading her husband into the bedroom to make love, I took his hand and led him into the bedroom to spank him.  When we entered the bedroom I simply told him to take off his belt and hand it to me, let his pants drop to the floor, and bend over my side of the bed. When his face hit the bed it was on the spot that cradled my bottom when I slept. I just think that was rather poignant.
I was caught off guard by the feelings going through me. I found my heart racing and my face flushed. I sincerely had no idea why I felt this way. I am not sure if it was because it went against my principles, because I felt embarrassed for this grown man being so exposed and vulnerable or if it was something else. But I was determined to go through with what I promised. The poor dear was probably wondering what is she doing back there for so long?
The first swing of the belt was, well embarrassing. I barely hit him. The way he jumped it was obvious he expected it to be harder. We both laughed.

The next was a little harder. I had to make adjustments so I could get a better angle and get a better swing, but I soon got into a rhythm.  I hadn’t planned how many times I would hit him, I just figured I would keep going until I wanted to stop. But I found myself wanting to keep going!
Though he was only squirming a little, it felt proper to reach up and hold him to the bed as I belted him.

During the entire process, I never spoke a word. I was intrigued at the marks the belt started to make, the sounds he was starting to make, the spectacle of this big strong man allowing me to beat him just because I wanted to, and the feelings I was starting to have. I started to enjoy this, I mean really ENJOY it. It excited me. I honestly don’t know how many times I hit him but it had to be near 100. I stopped, not because I was done, but because I wanted to start something else. I told him to stay where he was as I unwrapped the belt from my hand and slid my yoga pants down before sitting in the chair across the room. As I breathe heavily and stared at my handy work my fingers found their way . . .
15 minutes later I told him he could get up and start dinner. "Oh, and by the way. You better get used to it."

Monday, January 1, 2018

Are Erotic thoughts Sinful?

A few weeks ago I received the following comment: 

You describe yourself as a Christian in his mid fifties. I am also. My question is how do you see these thoughts and feelings about being submissive to our wives from a biblical standpoint ? The Bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church and certainly that means our love for her should be sacrificial in nature. It should also be life-giving, freeing her up to live her life to her full God-given potential and to fully bloom in all ways. Certainly male submission plays a key role in this. To be willing to lay our lives down, to lay all perceived rights down, for her sake to fully devote ourselves to advancing her interests and do all we can to help her get what she desires most out of life should be the goal. I think the tricky part is when serving her leads us to erotic thoughts and feelings that in fact give us pleasure. At that point are we serving her or ourselves? And is the pleasure we feel pure or of a selfish nature . I am struggling to sort this all out in my own mind and would like to know your thoughts. 

I enjoy comments like this, if for nothing else, because it makes me think. You may disagree with my response and I welcome your thoughts but I'm going to share mine.

I believe the purpose of the Bible is to give us some insight into who God is. I believe it's story begins with perfection (Genesis 1 & 2) and ends in the final chapter of Revelation even more perfectly.  Between those two bookends are examples of life filled with pain and hurt and disappointment and a thousand other woes.  Interspersed are glimpses of what was and what is to come.  I believe the primary purpose of the Bible is to help us understand the profound impact sin had in separating you and I from God. I believe it explains why there needed to be a 'Christmas' and an 'Easter'. We were doomed without Jesus' entry into our fallen world.  

I do not believe the purpose of the Bible is to tell us all about sex.

But when God made man and woman, he made them perfectly. He was pleased with his work in Genesis. In creating both male and female he gave us the gift of sex and I believe he intended us to enjoy sex.  There is nothing dirty, nothing sinful, nothing wrong with sex within the confines of marriage.

Within a marriage relationship, I believe God loves us having erotic thoughts about our partner.  Solomon wrote a love poem known as the Song of Solomon.  It's a poem and although I don't get into all of the symbolism of poetry in genera there is a pretty clear message in this one: He is hot about her and she is just as hot about him.  I mean, Solomon isn't talking about her personality. He's honed in on her physical attributes. He describes her hair, her face, her form, her breasts. The man is horny!

The question by the person who wrote the comment above wondered if it's OK to feel horny, to have erotic thoughts.  My answer: absolutely!!!  When I tell Katie how beautiful she is, I'm not doing so because I'm checking out her knee caps.  Not a chance.  It's her more erotic features that typically attract the attention of my eye, and my desire.  Want to know what they are? Read the 4th chapter of the Song of Solomon (see end of post).  Katie's lips (because I love kissing them); her face (because I love touching it and admiring her smile and beautiful eyes); her body (because it is completely feminine her figure is still fabulous, even at her age; her breasts (because.... well just because :)  ).  When I tell Katie she's beautiful I'm thinking physical and sexual! 

After reading this post to Katie for approval she brought up the topic of erotic thoughts as a Christian.  "If it's wrong for sex and thinking about sex to be wrong, then why did God make women with the ability to have multiple orgasms? Why did he make sex pleasureable?"  Great questions and I believe the answer as at least some to do with how God intended sex to be - enjoyable. 

I could diverge here, but won't in thinking about why women were equipped to handle multiple orgasms but men only one (without having at least some down time).  

Where I think things go wrong is that same 'admiration' is extended with erotic, lustful intent to women who you have no right to. Porn addiction is a prime example of that same admiration for a woman's physical body, gone wrong.  That woman should be off limits. Drawing one's mind to that hot babe with the quadruple D, medically enhanced breasts and lipo-suctioned butt isn't what makes my wife happy.  Instead it will earn me a punishment and an admonishment.

One of the benefits to living as my wife's submissive has been the change in my psyche. My attention is to be devoted to one person primarily: her. She wants me to admire her body. She wants me to love her body. She wants me to long to be near her. She wants my eye to admire the curve of her cheek and the line of her jaw. She wants me to compliment her on her outfit and tell her how hot I think her perfume smells.  She wants me to lust after her. She has no desire for me to have those same feelings with women I see at work, or who live next door.  

Because she's taken the time to put a cage on my cock. Because she's mandated I deny myself until she's ready for me to release; because she's told me I'll obey her; because I vowed to serve her above all others, she knows without doubt that I am her treasure. She loves being called mistress because it reveals my submission and the 'goddess' level of reverence to which I hold her in my minds-eye.  She desires my lust. It makes her feel secure. 

And all of it is healthy in maintaining marital intimacy and keeping our minds centered on one another.  That kind of love is special indeed. That kind of love is cultivated by a continual 'Song of Solomon' horniness for one another and I think God is pleased with that level of marital fidelity.

Love to hear your thoughts

I'm Hers 

An edited (shortened) version of the Song of Solomon, Chapter 4 New Century Version

The Man Speaks to the Woman

How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, you are beautiful!
Your eyes are like .....
    Your hair is like .....
Your teeth are like .......
Your lips are like .......
    and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like ...........
Your neck is like .........
Your breasts are like ........
Until the day dawns
I will go to that mountain of myrrh
    and to that hill of incense.
My darling, everything about you is beautiful,
    and there is nothing at all wrong with you.
Come with me .......
My bride, you have thrilled my heart;
you have thrilled my heart
    with a glance of your eyes,
    with one sparkle from your necklace.
10 Your love is so sweet, ....
    Your love is better than wine,
    and your perfume smells 'wonderful'.
11 My bride, your lips drip honey;
12 My bride, you are like a garden....

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Christmas Gifts that Remind

I'd thought I'd go light today. It's Christmas. It's the time for giving (and getting).  I don't know about how things function in your home but in ours, I always seem to get gifts that remind me of my status as Her submissive!  And I must confess..... I love it when I do.  

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is the recipient of such gifts. There must be hundreds like me who receive (and give) so I thought I'd do a sort of Show and Tell post.  

What gifts did you give/receive that served as reminders of your dominance or submission?  I'd love to hear and I know others would as well.

For me..... I was given a lovely drying rack, something I'll use weekly to dry sweaters, tops, etc.  Another gift was a package of nipple clamps.... oops.... I mean bag clamps to keep cereal, crackers, etc fresh. My third gift was a lovely 1" thick block that's about 4" square. On one side it states, "she who must be obeyed" and on the other.... "You can call me Queen".  I was told the block was to be put on our bathroom sink so I could see it every day. And that's where it now sits.  Lastly, I was given several pair of pouch underwear.  As an aside, these are so comfortable for those who live most of their lives in chastity. The built-in pouch accommodates everything comfortably and I have enjoyed discovering this find. Mine are made in Japan and if you choose to order, buy one size larger since apparently the Japanese 'package' (and waist) is a size smaller than the American version. :)  

Merry Christmas.

I'm Hers

Friday, December 22, 2017

The Frustration Equation from a Woman's Angle

In the previous post I spoke of the ‘frustration equation’ (Expectation – Observation = Frustration) from a submissive’s perspective. My recommendation was for submissive men to reduce their level of expectation and simply do what their mistress tells them – to go with the flow – to be that supportive husband they vowed to be. After all, isn’t obedience the hallmark of what it means to be submissive?

What I neglected to discuss is how this equation applies to the dominant female? 

When I think of most heterosexual relationships I believe I can make the generalized statement that it is the husband, far more commonly than the wife, who is lacking (when compared to her) in his level of emotional maturity, discipline, devotion and relational commitment. Isn't it men who are the ones most addicted to porn? Isn't it mostly men who want to spend time with their buddies rather than spending time at home with their kids and spouse? Isn't it the guys who are more likely to spend time alone flipping channels or remaining glued to their laptop or cell phone while the house is a buzz with activity? Isn't it men who are less likely to feel the need for social, emotional and relational intimacy and instead converse about 'things' (sports, weather, cars and work, etc.)? In all cases (and again I am generalizing) I believe its men, far more than woman who are at fault when it comes to maintaining a healthy spousal relationship.

With this premise, I believe that female frustration has mostly to do with her man not living up to the standards she came to expect.  In order to balance ‘her’ equation and thus eliminate her frustration it's not her who needs to change. Rather it's her who needs to raise the standards she expects of him. What better way than within a FLR?

They say that 97% of all men masturbate and the 3% who claim they don’t are lying.  That statement always causes me to smile but it’s probably quite accurate. Men are sexually oriented. Our brains are often found between our legs. Sex is also our point of vulnerability. Media uses sexuality to sell. Women use it to get what they want. And dominant women use it to maintain control of their husbands. It's why so many men living in a FLR are locked or expected to live without masturbating.  

Men are sexually driven creatures and releasing on a frequent, if not continual basis, is a powerful driving force. But frequent ejaculation also serves as a powerful reducer of emotional dependency. Once the mountain has been summited, the desire to keep climbing temporarily ceases and male involvement with his wife diminishes.  I’m sure there are hundreds of men who read this blog who will confess their wives lock them for this very reason. Not only does it ensure fidelity, it encourages dependency. Eliminating voluntary ejaculation may not be the only reason men are locked but I’m sure it's at, or near the top of most wives’ ‘I better not catch you doing this’ list.  When viewing this in light of the frustration equation, keeping a husband chaste except for when she wants him, makes it easier for her to control his behavior.

The same principle can be applied to helping around the house.  For decades, if not centuries, it has been the woman who has taken care of the home. But the tide is turning and in the homes of women who maintain control of their husband, this tradition has significantly changed. Owned men are now expected to take a greater role in domestic responsibilities. Additionally, men now are more actively involved in family matters and child-rearing. With him now engaged in her home, her observation of his involvement becomes more closely aligned with her expectations. Frustration levels plummet when these changes occurs.

Examples can be made in the areas of him becoming more actively engaged with her interests, showing devotion, expressing non-sexual affection, becoming more attentive to her needs, engaging her in conversation on a meaningful level, and generally becoming once more the man who she fell in love with are all areas dominant women now expect their submissive husbands to demonstrate significant growth. 

By nature, women want to feel secure, loved and cared for. Dominant women, have within their power the tools necessary to train their husband to be that man. They have the ability to train up a man to be that supportive spouse who comes to understand her need for respect and to be heard. She can be that woman whose husband values her values and respects her decisions and abides by her principles. But in order for that to happen, it’s up to her to raise what she expects. She can become a bitchy wife but by doing so, she's not likely to gain his compliance. A better path is for her to use her sexuality and his need for sexual focus to get what she wants from him. By doing so she creates a win-win formula that leads to deeper intimacy on a multitude of levels. 

As submissive men, we already know this. We know it's our duty to obey. It's our duty to follow. We also know we depend on her to lead. When men reduce demands and when she assumes undeniable leadership by leading in the way she should, near perfect spousal harmony can result. 

Christmas is a time where God bridged the chasm between us and Him. He gave us the ultimate gift. My hope is that we can all take the time as both men and women who live in FLRs to look past ourselves to the person we love most; to see how we can raise or lower expectations as is appropriate - with the intent to better express our love to the one we love most.

Katie and I wish you all a Merry Christmas! 

I'm Hers

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Balancing the Equation

Let’s talk football. The Cleveland Browns stink. They’ve been bad for a long time and although they get great support from their fans, I’m sure most who come to the game come to enjoy football for football and not because they expect their team to win.  Winning is icing on the cake – and rarely happens.  This isn’t so with the Golden State Warriors basketball team. They’re quite good and I would think their fans would be quite bummed if they paid good money to watch their team lose.  

So what’s the difference? The difference has to do with expectations. In the first instance the expectations, based on past performance, aren’t very high. In the latter instance they are.  So where am I going with this?  Let’s venture into the land of relationships.

In most, if not all marriages besides having a vow to stick with their partner through thick and thin are assumptions (spoken or not) of certain expectations imposed on one another. These may have come as a result of past experiences while dating, as a result of the way their parents modeled ‘living’ while growing up, from conversations the couple engaged in regarding how ‘we’ will live as a family unit, or from other past experiences. 

We’ve all heard the, “honeymoon period” adage. Implied is a period of blissful romance when a couple magically gets along and when nothing seems to be able to fracture their perfect relationship. At some point, however we often hear others comment, “I guess the honeymoon is over.”   That statement reveals evidence of spousal disagreement, arguing or even fighting.  Ahh, it’s life, we say in response but what really happened?

Over time it’s easy to create unrealistic expectations for your partner. The “I want the house to be clean, the kids bathed and dinner on the table when I get home every night,” expectation to a young mom of three is likely to be met with a home that is in somewhat disarray, the meal not even thought of, and the kids still dirty from a day of playing outside. The net result will be a partner feeling frustrated because his expectations remained unmet.

If that same scenario is applied to a FLR home, might we agree that we as men often hope for our wives would to act like in ways that leather-clad, whip welding wife who can’t wait to smack her boy around, tie him spread-eagle to the four bedposts and gag him before having her way. Of course that scenario only plays itself out in magazines and hardly ever in real life.  More often than not we find ourselves married to a special lady, who in many respects, lives a life very much like the women living next door or across the street. She enjoys many of the same things they do and even though she knows she is the head of her home, doesn’t feel the need to smack her husband around or dress up in a kinky outfit that feels like she’s wrapped in barbwire, just to satisfy the fantasy needs of her husband’s kink.

The net result, on the part of the husband will eventually result in frustration for an unmet expectation.  His expectation to what he hopes will be his reality remains unmet and becomes the source of his angst. 

To one degree I’ve been that man. I’ve written of my wish for Katie to display more dominant traits and during the months when my hopes remained unmet, I too became that frustrated husband who always fell asleep with a small hole in his heart.  

Yet I know to a large degree I couldn’t make Katie change. I can’t make her want to dress in leather if her true love is a sweater and jeans. I can’t make her love football or suddenly become athletic if she can’t even toss a ball. I can’t make her love board games if that isn’t her thing. To force her to be all that she isn’t, will only end with both of us feeling frustrated and irritated with one another.

I’m writing this post on the heels of reading an article in which this equation was written:


Consider it. Think about it. What does it mean to you? What’s it trying to say? Doesn’t it speak to you? How does this equation fit with your particular FLR? Do you expect more from him/her than you see? If so, then frustration will the natural outcome if given enough time. 

So how can the equation be balanced? 

Doesn’t it make sense, especially in the case of the submissive husband to put his wants on the back burner? I mean, doesn’t the very title of who a man is – submissive – imply being second? Doesn’t it mean your wants and your responsibilities and your desires become secondary to hers? (No, I’m not saying that the two of you shouldn’t talk and share) but in the end, you wanted her to take charge of you, your marriage, and your life and regardless of what you want from her, you can’t make her change. You really can’t. If change is going to happen then it’s only going to take place if she makes the choice to change.  

Because of this, the only option here is for you (as a submissive man) to reduce your expectations. Go with the flow. Follow her lead. Let her do with you, and with your marriage as she best sees. Remember that she loves you like none other, but remember too that she’s the one who will lead you in the way that best fits who she is.

When I first read that equation, I thought back to the months when I lived the life of a frustrated man. I kept waiting and hoping and wanting for her to be that ‘different Katie’ but she never changed into the dominant wife I wanted.  Eventually I changed. In a way, you might say I gave up hoping. And in fact I did.  I came to accept that my current way of loving and caring for her (and in turn, her style of loving, caring and leading me) was how it was going to be. The Katie with whom I am bound and love will always have ‘this’ style of dominance. The way she leads has pretty much remained unchanged from the get-go. Yes, it’s quite evident to see she is in charge. It’s also evident she has no intention of becoming more like this female blog writer or the wife of that blog writer. She just won’t.

When I was able to come to that conclusion, my life slowly returned to a harmonious state. I became a happier man. I think Katie also became a more content domme when my sulking and sullen attitude ceased. When I made the decision to reduce my expectations to what was my reality – with what I observed every day – my frustrations dissipated.  I didn’t know it at the time but what I did was balance the equation. My EXPECTATION = My OBSERVATION and as a result My FRUSTRATION level dropped to near zero

I’d encourage you to consider the expectations you currently impose on your wife? Consider first, if imposing an expectation is even a right you have as her submissive. It’s one thing to hope and still another to express your desires but it’s another thing completely to demand. My suggestion is for you, as HER submissive, to discard whatever expectation you have in the moment and deal with the reality at hand.

Are you tired of being frustrated? Then set aside your unmet expectations and face reality head on. Then, after the fact, have a conversation with her about what you expect and why but be ready to accept a decision that may not be what you want.  And if that decision is rendered, make the decision to accept your new reality and move on.

Remember, the goal for living this way in the first place is to cultivate a deeper, more intimate relationship with the woman you can’t dream of living without. I can say, it took stepping away from my desire for Katie to be more dominant and instead, making a mental list of all the ways she already expressed her authority to see all the ‘good’ I already have. She is extremely controlling in so many areas of my life. She just controls me, us, and our life in a non-kinky authoritarian manner.   When looking at life from the perspective of all I had an not from the few things I don’t, and then making the conscious choice to actually submit – to do what she wants rather than hope for something she doesn’t want to do – I became a more content and loving husband.

I’m Hers

Sunday, December 3, 2017


Katie and I were discussing the international ‘incident’ of the three UCLA basketball players who were caught shoplifting while in China. I don’t know the specifics of what happened other than they were in China for the purpose of playing basketball. I also know they were caught stealing sun glasses.  Chinese penalty for such an offense, if proven guilty, was prison time. The sentence could range anywhere from three to ten years.

This incident coincided with Trump's visit and in the end he ‘negotiated’ their release.

In any event the story hit social media and the news and got us talking. I remembered a discussion Katie and I️ had early on in our relationship. She stated on no uncertain terms that if we ever got married and she caught me cheating, we were through.  There was no malice in her words. Rather she made a statement of fact and I’ve never forgotten those words. 

Now, it’s my hunch that in China, there are not too many who want to risk 5-10 years in a Chinese prison for the reward of a $50 pair of sunglasses.  Why? Because the penalty far outweighs the reward.

As a kid one summer I slept in a tent in the back yard of my best friends’ house. We had other intentions besides just sleeping outside and getting bit up by mosquitoes.  Sometime during the wee hours of night we dressed, grabbed our flashlights and headed the short distance out of town. Sneaking though a vacant field we crossed a road and snuck, army style, as only ten year olds could do, through another field until coming to Mr. Miller’s farm. 

Everyone knew Mr. Miller had a water melon patch but everyone also knew he had a shotgun at the ready with rock salt. We knew of more than one who supposedly sustained injury from one of his blasts. But we were ten so we were invincible.  We found the patch and soon found the watermelons – the big oval ones that taste O so good. Grabbing one required both arms and even then we struggled to not drop our prize.  Sneaking all the way back home we rejoiced at our stolen goods. 

It was then when it dawned on me: I couldn’t take my watermelon home. My father would absolutely tan my hide and march me back to Mr. Miller if he ever found out!  Ugh!!!  Even now I remember the sick feeling of loss at knowing I️ couldn’t enjoy what I️ had stolen.  My best friend’s parents felt differently. He didn’t fear their wrath and in the end, he got to enjoy TWO watermelons that summer.

You see, the level of deterrent will often dictate future behavior.  A deterrent is just that. It’s the understanding that if I do ‘this’, ‘that’ will happen.  Want to grab the wire surrounding a cow pasture? Be my guest. Want to steal from the local department store? Want to cheat about when you clocked in and clocked out at work, knowing there are security cameras watching you? As in all aspects of life, choices, both good and bad often result in a subsequent reaction.

As a mistress and a submissive, there is an understanding of who can do what, what is expected from each party and ….. hopefully a ‘spelled out understanding’ as to what will happen to the submissive should he intentionally (or possibly unintentionally) violate a predetermined behavior. How strict the mistress enforces understood rules will determine in large measure how well those rules are followed. 

For example, she might have a rule that all wash is to be done during the weekend. If wash is not folded and put away before bed on Sunday, what does she do? How should she handle seeing a load still in the dryer? What consequences, if any need to take place?

If the answer is nothing, what message does that convey? If the answer is one day without TV for every article of clothing left in the dryer, what message does that consequence convey?  The penalty might sound harsh but in the end, isn’t that penalty somewhat like the Chinese penalty for shop lifting? Both go a long way to curb undesired behavior.

Leading and following work hand in hand. For the submissive, knowing where not to go, what not to do, and clearly understanding what will happen if a bad choice is made is not a punishment rendered on the part of the wife but a gift she gives . It really is. There is no difference between this and punishing a child for misbehavior. To not punish is to raise a child ill-fit to become an adult and live within the laws of our country.  Doubt me? Just watch the news to see what UCLA chooses to do/not do. My guess is they will do nothing. And doesn’t that speak volumes.

Enjoy your week.

I’m Hers

Saturday, November 11, 2017

This is Deeper Than Only Loving

“I’m Yours,” I said to my wife one morning not so long ago.

“I know,” she responded.

“Yes, but do you understand that me being yours is an even greater commitment than only loving you? I mean, I love you but being yours is more.”

We spent some time talking about what it meant for someone (me) to give themselves to another within the context of a submissive giving himself to his dominant partner.

My intention here isn’t to condemn traditional marriage unions. I’m not. But I do believe that it means one thing when you tell your spouse you love them and another when you tell them from the vantage point of a submissive that you belong to her.  Here’s why.

Steve can be married to Sandra and live in a ‘vanilla’ marriage. Sandra wants Steve to go Christmas shopping with her and so she asks. She asks with the understanding that he might say yes but then again, he might not want to go. In a FLR if Katie tells me she wants me to go shopping with her I go. I stop what I’m doing and I go.
Steve has a choice. He has the choice to put his wife’s wants ahead of his or choose to put his wants ahead of hers. I don’t have that choice. I have agreed to always put my wife’s wants ahead of mine.  The difference is significant.

Sandra got upset at Steve because he left their two teenage children alone in the house for two hours. Rather than stay at home as they agreed, he went to the bar to watch the last half of a football game and have a drink with his friend.  Sandra and Steve had agreed that he would stay at home while she was out. Steve promised to stay while their kids and the neighbor kids played video games in the basement.  But because Steve’s buddy from work called, he changed his mind.  As a result, Sandra and Steve got into an argument and things got heated. Hurtful things were said by Sandra and Steve and it took until the following day for Steve to admit he was wrong and apologize. 

If I was in Steve’s position, I wouldn’t have even considered leaving the house. If my buddy called and encouraged me to join him, I’d have told him, “I need to check with my wife,” and if I ever went that far Katie would have answered by saying, “why are you even calling? I told you you are to stay home and watch the kids.”  But I’d already know her answer and so I wouldn’t have called. In fact, I’d have told my buddy I wasn’t available.  As a result, Katie and I wouldn’t have gotten into an argument and hurtful works wouldn’t have been spoken in anger.

Again, I’m not condemning the way Steve and Sandra live. They might be two people who deeply care for one another. Many married couples do.  They love their spouse and they want nothing more than to make him/her happy. They love sharing their lives together.

However, arguments happen.  Self-interests sometimes are put ahead of spouses.  In my marriage, that doesn’t ever happen. Katie is always put first. As a result, we don’t argue. We really don’t. I’ve never gotten into a verbal war of words with her – ever. Instead, I do what she tells me. If I disagree I voice my thoughts but 

I understand her word is final. Period. As a result, we don’t bicker.
I have willingly given decision-making power to my wife because I trust her (and she in turn has often given it back to me by saying, “I want you to make the decision on this.”). I live by the principle of doing what she wants but I know without question, she has me do the chores I have because she knows that by me serving, it allows me to express how much I love her.

Yes, there have been times when I’ve gotten sad and done things with less than my best effort. Those times (see blog posts off and on during 2017 for examples) came as a result from Katie NOT being overly dominant and NOT because she was less than dominant.  For me, I thrive living under her dominant spirit. I love being married to a confident secure woman. I love knowing she can trust me. I love thinking she trusts me. I love knowing she isn’t afraid of me snapping at her the way Steve might have done with Sandra. I love knowing Katie has the freedom to be who she is and express herself without reservation of me responding negatively.
It is a beautiful thing to see a woman live this way. She isn’t hen-pecked. She has never been ridiculed by her husband. She doesn’t live with a history of being put down or told she isn’t good enough or isn’t pretty enough or doesn’t do things well enough.  She doesn’t live knowing her husband doesn’t approve of her the way he did when they were first married. 

My sacrifice, and the sacrifice of others like me who have willingly submitted to their spouse, demonstrate love for their dominant partner in a manner that is deeper than the Steve’s of the world. It’s not that Steve doesn’t express love but his love is more limited. Steve doesn’t live selflessly. He sometimes does but at other times he only considers himself. Submissive husbands don’t have that choice – nor do they want that choice. They live within a context of considering what needs, wants and desires their partner has ahead of their own. They find joy in giving themselves to her. They find it highly appealing – even arousing – to serve their wife in a way that makes her feel truly special.

It is for this reason that I don’t control our finances, handle the TV remote, tell her to cook me a meal, wash my clothes or massage my back.  Instead I trust her to handle our money responsibly and she shares with me what decisions she’s made in that regard. She doesn’t keep our finances a secret. I let her decide what to watch on TV and I’ve come to enjoy watching what she finds interesting. However Katie knows I love football and she will sometimes plan a Sunday afternoon so I can watch a particular game. However, if we have an event she wants to attend, then the ballgame becomes secondary. I attend the event with her in lieu of staying home and glued to the tube for three hours. I do without. Because she doesn’t like to cook or do wash, I do it. I know that every meal I make is a gift I can give to her. And I know she loves me waiting on her. She loves to be touched and when she tells me to rub her back or give her a massage I do so willingly. I find pleasure in giving and I find her body highly arousing.

Are there times when I’m tired and don’t want to perform a task? Of course there are, and if I were Steve I might tell Sandra, I’m not cooking dinner, you cook it, or I’ll do this job tomorrow.  But I don’t go there. Instead I push through those lulls of life and do what I’ve agreed to do and what she asks of me.  And for us, it works.
To Wayne: This is but one golden nugget that can be found within a loving dominant/submissive lifestyle that I hope you can someday come to understand.  For you, let me put it this way: if you were ever in love, think back to that time when you gave her that engagement ring. Think back to when you were planning on marrying this woman of your dreams. At that time in your life that woman lived life to her fullest. You saw her very best. She loved you in a way that was different than she did five years later because you hadn’t hurt her spirit. You hadn’t let her down. You hadn’t left her out of the loop on things; you hadn’t done things she didn’t approve. At that time in your life she trusted you. Because she saw only your very best she’d do anything for you and you’d do anything for her. You welcomed each day and couldn’t wait to spend it with her. You didn’t argue; you didn’t fight; you often let her decide where she wanted to eat or where she wanted to spend an evening with you - just because you knew it made her smile.  Well this is how a submissive man lives when married to a dominant wife and because he puts his wife’s needs ahead of his own, and because he hasn’t caused her unnecessary pain via words or deeds, his wife lives with a fullness that is akin to that time when she was engaged.  It is a beautiful thing, but it takes a strong, secure man to go there. It takes a man who is willing to let go of some things in order to get a whole lot more in return.

I’m Hers