Sunday, March 11, 2018

Response to a letter of inquiry

 I love when I open my blog-email and find an email from a man or woman who live similarly to the way Katie and I do.  Last week I received such an email.  A middle aged man wrote.  He and his wife have been married for 30 + years. Their marriage had fallen into disrepair and he eventually proposed chastity and a female-led relational style as a way of helping them through this difficult period.  Now they are confronted with a different issue. Below is an abridged version of his inquiry.

……. hopefully it will make more sense as I describe the most difficult issue we face.    My sense is it's likely an issue that other couples face. The issue is "adequacy", and more particularly, a feeling that she needs to take on behaviors and attitudes which show dominance in order to fulfill her responsibilities. 

The problem isn't that she do more but that these expectations say her natural non-dominant self "isn't enough".  Rightfully, she pushes back on any added expectations being put on her from our FLR.  She wants, and I believe she's entitled to, the relationship being on her terms.

My issue is that it takes added energy from me to sustain her happiness as the priority over my own, and I need the added "fuel" which comes from her through her sexualizing otherwise ordinary daily interactions with a measure of dominance and control.  I worry that I'm eventually going to "run out of gas" on being the submissive in our relationship without her demonstrating more dominance.

After reading his email I wrote asking for more clarification. He responded by summarizing his above thoughts with two questions.

Do you think there is a way for both the woman and the man to become and stay happy in a FLR if the woman doesn't act dominant and controlling, at least occasionally?  

My answer: NO

If a wife's self-image is that she isn't a dominant or controlling person, but her husband nonetheless asks her to be one (or act like one) as part of being the leader in a FLR, then do you think he's telling her that she isn't enough?

My answer: I can’t see how he can’t be telling her she isn’t enough.

My impression of this couple’s particular quandary is that much, if not all, of the FLR focus came from him.  I didn’t get the feeling that she wanted this. She agreed to his chastity but agreeing to it, and embracing it is quite different. There were quite a few ‘I did’ ‘I asked’ ‘I suggested’, etc. in his initial email.  I’m not so sure his wife has embraced her new role as the leader of their marriage although I do feel that she has enjoyed this new ‘submissive’ husband of hers that now does more for her. It’s my opinion that she hasn’t fully understood the opportunity presented her. That opportunity being so much more freedom, happiness and closeness with her husband.

I live under the loving dominance of a woman similar to this woman. Katie is in many ways the antithesis of the classic dominant wife. She’s loving and caring and wants what is best for me. She doesn’t yell, or for that matter, even raise her voice. But she is in charge and there is no denying her word is final. She doesn’t bring up dominant/submissive topics but she is willing to talk about them when I do. She loves me taking care of her but has no desire to push me to my limits.

I am not certain but I believe this wife is associating dominance with ‘meanness’ or ‘humiliating’ her husband to some degree.  I’m sure a dominant woman can be that way but she doesn’t need to. She can lead while still being sweet and kind. Here is a recent example to illustrate:  Last night I didn’t get home from work until after 8. I called while driving and asked Katie if she had eaten. “No, I decided to wait and let you fix me something.”  There was no malice in her words but her comment spoke volumes. “You’re going to cook me dinner even though it’s going to be a late one.” She let me know who was in charge and I followed her statement by asking what it was she wanted me to fix her.

She makes statements like these all the time. Never are they "in your face" comments but each one reinforces the previous with the same message. “I’m in charge. You will obey me. Period.”

“My car needs gas. Make sure you get some for it today.”
When the waiter asks us what we’ll be drinking: “We’ll both be having unsweet ice teas with lemon.”
“It’s bed time, come up with me.”
“Make sure you lock up today.”
“The grass needs mowing before Friday.”
“I ordered ‘this’ from Amazon today.”
“I transferred $300 from the checking into the savings account.”
“Here’s your allowance.”
“I have a dentist appointment on Thursday. Remind me two hours before the appointment.”
“Put this on your calendar. “I’m having lunch with Deb on April 2 at 11:30”

I could go on and on but in each of the above statements there is the expression of dominance.  It’s not an overpowering control but each statement implies control. The statements are simply that. They are natural manifestations of her gentle personality expressed in an ‘I’m in charge and I know it’s your role to take care of me” way.

I love when she’s like this.  I love knowing she’s in charge. I love being the husband who lives to serve his wife. I believe this gentleman who wrote loves his wife expressing herself in a similar fashion. He has ‘grown’ to need her leadership.  Her leadership completes him and enables him to be more of who God created him to be.

If I could impart one nugget of wisdom to his wife it would be this: Your husband wants to serve you. He wants to please you. He wants to deny himself so you can have more and enjoy more. He wants you to feel loved. He wants to pamper you and make your life easier.  And all of that takes time and effort and a ton of mental energy. He will think about you all the time because of this new life he has embraced but he requires something from you. He doesn’t require you to dress in leather or wait for the time he messes up so you can beat his butt red but he does need something. He needs you to tell him what you want. He needs you to be direct – not mean, simply direct. He also needs you to use your sexuality as a means of motivating him every now and again.  Is it so hard to grab his crotch and smile and look him in the eye and tell him you love watching him do his chores? Is it so hard to give him a hug and press your groin into his chastity cage and remind him ‘that this’ belongs to me now?  Is it so hard to be intimate and remind him he’s not to orgasm, or not do so until you tell him?  Is it so hard to send him a ‘frisky’ text?

It’s the small acts of kindness on her part that will pay dividends for him for hours after.  He will work 2, 3, maybe 4 hours for her. All he needs to remain working at his best is maybe 5 minutes of her telling him (rather than asking him) what he is to do and give him a treat that requires maybe 10 -20 seconds of her time. 

And…… can’t both his and her attitude be one of “isn’t this fun"? Don’t you love living this way? Isn’t it great that we can be and act this way as a couple?” After all, this is the person who you love more than any other.

Finally, my advice for him is this: be patient. You’ve only been living this way for a year or so.  Keep the dialog open. Keep encouraging. Don’t nag. Do your best. Treat her like the ‘mistress’ she is.  Address her respectfully. Let your submission reveal itself to others, not because you tote along like a dog on a leash, but because you open doors, you help her on with her coat, you wait patiently while she shops, you carry her packages and push the shopping cart, you defer questions others ask by looking to her for a decision (meaning….. hey, do you want to come over tomorrow and watch the game?  Your response should always be, I’ll talk it over with my wife and get back to you – or ‘I need to see if it’s OK with my wife’ or something similar.) 

It’s important that women embrace leadership. It’s unrealistic to expect him to do so much more without her taking charge.  Can a teacher teach (lead) a class of 4th graders if she doesn’t maintain control of her class? Can a parent raise a child by being their child’s peer? Can a boss maintain the respect of her employees if she acts just like they do and do the same things they do?  In each situation, the answer is an obvious ‘no’.

I’m not equating female leadership with treating the husband like a child but I do believe that for one to lead, there needs to be an obvious hierarchy in the relationship. No longer is it a peer to peer dynamic. It’s a superior/inferior one with her at the helm and him obeying as he should.  For her to expect him to do lots more without filling his need for support is no different than him being a ‘honey-do’ husband and it’s my opinion that a ‘honey-do man’ will eventually tire. 

How important is it to be married to someone you love and respect and admire and love spending time with? Isn’t a great relationship worth a little effort, a little thought, a little bit of planning to ensure it remains healthy and great?  I think it is.

I’m Hers.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Becoming who we are

Some have said that we become the people we are, partly because of the positions and roles we hold in life.  Our personalities change to some degree when we are asked to lead, to follow, to teach, to help others during tragedies, to comfort, etc.  I believe change happens when partners engage in a relationship. The personalities of both the wife and the husband change – at least somewhat - because of that agreed-upon dynamic. Those living in a vanilla relationship act differently than when single or when living within a wife led marriage.

Prior to our wife led marriage I would have told you that my primary role - or one of my significant roles - was to provide security for Katie. I viewed her as a precious gift (and still do) and one in which it was my job to make sure she was protected and secure.

Since becoming her submissive and since giving up decision making power and becoming a non-decision making entity in our relationship, my role to make her feel secure has changed. Yes she still wants me to take care of her and yes she loves when I make her feel safe but the perspective about which I am arriving at those same objectives has changed.  Before it was from a position of authority.

“Stand behind me and I’ll take care of this.”  “Katie, get in the car. I’ll handle this.”  Back then I protected her with the assumption that if I told her to do something she’d do it.  That was before. Now things are different.  Now there is an almost unspoken understanding that she is responsible for me. I do the chores she wishes not to do. I fetch things for her. I ask several times a day, “Is there anything I can get for you Sweetheart?” or,”Is there anything I can do for you Mistress?” As a result of living as her submissive – and what I mean by that is living for several years in a relationship in which we both realize she’s the one who makes most of the household decisions – I have come to rely on her more while she's come to depend on me less.  Should situations arise where I need to protect Katie I’ll still take that initiative but my words will reflect who I am to her. “Why don’t you let me take care of this,” or “Don’t you think I should handle this why you wait in the car?”

The results are the same but the attitude in which I approach the situation differs.  I will protect her but not because I’m the alpha. I protect because I am the ‘beta’ – the submissive one whose role it is to look out for and anticipate her needs. The outcome is the same but way we get there is now different.

I am certain my need for Katie has grown over the years. I don’t see myself as being any weaker but rather more dependent. I see her as my source of security. I see her as the one who looks out for me. I never viewed her in that light prior to submitting. Because I have stepped back and relinquished leadership responsibilities I have become more dependent. I ask questions reflecting that change in our dynamic..

I ask the “Do you mind if I …..” and the “Is it OK if I …..” or the  “May I ….." questions all the time.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked, “Do you mind if I throw a load of wash in before we head out? Can I turn on the dishwasher now? Do you think I should mow the lawn before putting down grass seed? Do I have time to straighten up before we go? What color shirt do you want me to wear?”

I could go on and on.  It all boils down to me being considerate.  I don’t want her to feel put out. I want to do things her way.  And after being this way for so long, I have become more dependent. She decides. I usually don’t.

Maybe it is because she controls the finances. Maybe it’s because she decides how our sex life will play out. Maybe it’s because she tells me what chores need to be done this week. Maybe it’s because she tells me what she wants to eat the day before I plan the shopping list. Maybe it’s because all of this has caused our respective marriage roles to shift.

Our wife led marriage has also brought about a psychological shift. Although she continually tells me I make her feel safe and secure I would contend she fills a security void I didn’t have (or know existed) at the start of our relationship. The dependency came about because she became more authoritative and me more deferential. Like I mentioned at the start of this post, we often assume a personality that fits the role we hold.

Maybe female lead relationships bring out a man's gentler side; or at least a more considerate one. Maybe it forces him to be more vulnerable. Maybe it compels him to wrestle with parts of his personality the average Joe can suppress. So much of our life goes into putting on differing facades depending on our social situation. We act ‘this way’ when with our parents and ‘that way’ when with our childhood friends and still ‘another way’ when in a group where we know no one. There is a reason why we change. We do so because we are insecure. We do so because we feel a need to conform. We do so because we don't want to stand out. We do so for a myriad of reasons.

I don't know if Katie would completely agree but since she has become the head of our home she has been forced to be a stronger, more confident, more decisive version of herself. Although she still wants to feel my strength and security she has the added role of being responsible for mine. It’s a role assumed by the head of any household. It’s what a leader does. She decides; she wrestles with my issues; she guides our relationship; she maintains my submission. The result is twofold: I’ve become more dependent because I have to trust more. She has become more independent in her leading/supervisory role.

I’m Hers

Monday, January 8, 2018

Guest Post: Better Get Used to It

This is the third of what I hope will not be the last from my friend Katie Christian. Enjoy!

In my role as the head of our home, I feel it is my responsibility to keep things from becoming stagnant. As I see it, since he is not allowed to say no, and must follow my lead then I have nobody but myself to blame if our dominant/submissive relationship becomes stale. My remedy for this is that I push his and my boundaries by trying new things, even if I have reservations about them ever becoming a permanent part of our understanding.
I rarely inform him ahead of time unless I think the anticipation of the event would add something to it for him or me. I do allow him to express his thoughts or concerns to me respectfully, but after listening I usually let him know that I have heard his concerns, but we are moving forward with it anyhow. Sometimes, I just try it without warning.
So, there is a growing list of things we have tried. Some I have chosen to continue to practice. Some he found so distasteful I only use them as a threat. Some I have enjoyed or seen the benefit of that it has now become a part of our lifestyle.  

Each experiment results in one of the following:

If we will likely never do it again I will tell him it was a one-off.
If it is something I would enjoy on a limited basis I tell him it is now another tool in my toolbox.

If I really liked it and plan to “visit it” again soon, I usually say “better get used to it”.
For some time, he had been asking for me to introduce spanking into our time together, something that quite honestly provided little interest to me. I have no desire to humiliate or injure my husband.
But you know, we all change. I can’t tell you what it was, but it seemed that the idea of my husband making himself so vulnerable to me began to hold some appeal. I found myself thinking about it often.  As I gave it more thought I determined it would not be in my best interest to connect this with transgression on his part because if he enjoyed the experience than it could motivate him to do wrong just to induce the punishment. Does that make sense?
When I finally decided to give it a try I grabbed a cup of coffee and asked him to meet me in the dining room. I had him kneel on the floor in front of me, so I could look into his eyes as I communicated my thoughts.  I never expected the feeling of power, or the rush I would feel having my husband kneel before me as I calmly talked about giving his bare bottom a thrashing. I talked in a very matter of fact way, choosing carefully each word pausing often to measure the response in his eyes.

I extended the conversation with numerous sips of coffee allowing my words to sink in. It was strangely beautiful to be talking so calmly to my husband about spanking him. Was I getting excited? I know he was.

He honestly seemed embarrassed as he squirmed to adjust to his erection growing in his cage.
I am sure he hoped that the event would quickly follow, but I felt this is one of those times that the anticipation of it held a certain value. I simply told him when I am in the right mood I would let him know.
I was surprised that I found my anticipation growing. At least it would be fun to say that I had done it once.
I decided the day would be a Friday in case he needed a day or two to adjust to a sore bottom before going back to work. Friday morning I sent him a text letting him know that as soon as he got home from work and before he started with supper, I was going to warm his bottom. He had all day to think about it.
When he walked through the door that evening the expression on his face was priceless. I said nothing, I just walked up to him and began to kiss him passionately for several minutes. Then like a wife leading her husband into the bedroom to make love, I took his hand and led him into the bedroom to spank him.  When we entered the bedroom I simply told him to take off his belt and hand it to me, let his pants drop to the floor, and bend over my side of the bed. When his face hit the bed it was on the spot that cradled my bottom when I slept. I just think that was rather poignant.
I was caught off guard by the feelings going through me. I found my heart racing and my face flushed. I sincerely had no idea why I felt this way. I am not sure if it was because it went against my principles, because I felt embarrassed for this grown man being so exposed and vulnerable or if it was something else. But I was determined to go through with what I promised. The poor dear was probably wondering what is she doing back there for so long?
The first swing of the belt was, well embarrassing. I barely hit him. The way he jumped it was obvious he expected it to be harder. We both laughed.

The next was a little harder. I had to make adjustments so I could get a better angle and get a better swing, but I soon got into a rhythm.  I hadn’t planned how many times I would hit him, I just figured I would keep going until I wanted to stop. But I found myself wanting to keep going!
Though he was only squirming a little, it felt proper to reach up and hold him to the bed as I belted him.

During the entire process, I never spoke a word. I was intrigued at the marks the belt started to make, the sounds he was starting to make, the spectacle of this big strong man allowing me to beat him just because I wanted to, and the feelings I was starting to have. I started to enjoy this, I mean really ENJOY it. It excited me. I honestly don’t know how many times I hit him but it had to be near 100. I stopped, not because I was done, but because I wanted to start something else. I told him to stay where he was as I unwrapped the belt from my hand and slid my yoga pants down before sitting in the chair across the room. As I breathe heavily and stared at my handy work my fingers found their way . . .
15 minutes later I told him he could get up and start dinner. "Oh, and by the way. You better get used to it."

Monday, January 1, 2018

Are Erotic thoughts Sinful?

A few weeks ago I received the following comment: 

You describe yourself as a Christian in his mid fifties. I am also. My question is how do you see these thoughts and feelings about being submissive to our wives from a biblical standpoint ? The Bible tells us to love our wives as Christ loves the church and certainly that means our love for her should be sacrificial in nature. It should also be life-giving, freeing her up to live her life to her full God-given potential and to fully bloom in all ways. Certainly male submission plays a key role in this. To be willing to lay our lives down, to lay all perceived rights down, for her sake to fully devote ourselves to advancing her interests and do all we can to help her get what she desires most out of life should be the goal. I think the tricky part is when serving her leads us to erotic thoughts and feelings that in fact give us pleasure. At that point are we serving her or ourselves? And is the pleasure we feel pure or of a selfish nature . I am struggling to sort this all out in my own mind and would like to know your thoughts. 

I enjoy comments like this, if for nothing else, because it makes me think. You may disagree with my response and I welcome your thoughts but I'm going to share mine.

I believe the purpose of the Bible is to give us some insight into who God is. I believe it's story begins with perfection (Genesis 1 & 2) and ends in the final chapter of Revelation even more perfectly.  Between those two bookends are examples of life filled with pain and hurt and disappointment and a thousand other woes.  Interspersed are glimpses of what was and what is to come.  I believe the primary purpose of the Bible is to help us understand the profound impact sin had in separating you and I from God. I believe it explains why there needed to be a 'Christmas' and an 'Easter'. We were doomed without Jesus' entry into our fallen world.  

I do not believe the purpose of the Bible is to tell us all about sex.

But when God made man and woman, he made them perfectly. He was pleased with his work in Genesis. In creating both male and female he gave us the gift of sex and I believe he intended us to enjoy sex.  There is nothing dirty, nothing sinful, nothing wrong with sex within the confines of marriage.

Within a marriage relationship, I believe God loves us having erotic thoughts about our partner.  Solomon wrote a love poem known as the Song of Solomon.  It's a poem and although I don't get into all of the symbolism of poetry in genera there is a pretty clear message in this one: He is hot about her and she is just as hot about him.  I mean, Solomon isn't talking about her personality. He's honed in on her physical attributes. He describes her hair, her face, her form, her breasts. The man is horny!

The question by the person who wrote the comment above wondered if it's OK to feel horny, to have erotic thoughts.  My answer: absolutely!!!  When I tell Katie how beautiful she is, I'm not doing so because I'm checking out her knee caps.  Not a chance.  It's her more erotic features that typically attract the attention of my eye, and my desire.  Want to know what they are? Read the 4th chapter of the Song of Solomon (see end of post).  Katie's lips (because I love kissing them); her face (because I love touching it and admiring her smile and beautiful eyes); her body (because it is completely feminine her figure is still fabulous, even at her age; her breasts (because.... well just because :)  ).  When I tell Katie she's beautiful I'm thinking physical and sexual! 

After reading this post to Katie for approval she brought up the topic of erotic thoughts as a Christian.  "If it's wrong for sex and thinking about sex to be wrong, then why did God make women with the ability to have multiple orgasms? Why did he make sex pleasureable?"  Great questions and I believe the answer as at least some to do with how God intended sex to be - enjoyable. 

I could diverge here, but won't in thinking about why women were equipped to handle multiple orgasms but men only one (without having at least some down time).  

Where I think things go wrong is that same 'admiration' is extended with erotic, lustful intent to women who you have no right to. Porn addiction is a prime example of that same admiration for a woman's physical body, gone wrong.  That woman should be off limits. Drawing one's mind to that hot babe with the quadruple D, medically enhanced breasts and lipo-suctioned butt isn't what makes my wife happy.  Instead it will earn me a punishment and an admonishment.

One of the benefits to living as my wife's submissive has been the change in my psyche. My attention is to be devoted to one person primarily: her. She wants me to admire her body. She wants me to love her body. She wants me to long to be near her. She wants my eye to admire the curve of her cheek and the line of her jaw. She wants me to compliment her on her outfit and tell her how hot I think her perfume smells.  She wants me to lust after her. She has no desire for me to have those same feelings with women I see at work, or who live next door.  

Because she's taken the time to put a cage on my cock. Because she's mandated I deny myself until she's ready for me to release; because she's told me I'll obey her; because I vowed to serve her above all others, she knows without doubt that I am her treasure. She loves being called mistress because it reveals my submission and the 'goddess' level of reverence to which I hold her in my minds-eye.  She desires my lust. It makes her feel secure. 

And all of it is healthy in maintaining marital intimacy and keeping our minds centered on one another.  That kind of love is special indeed. That kind of love is cultivated by a continual 'Song of Solomon' horniness for one another and I think God is pleased with that level of marital fidelity.

Love to hear your thoughts

I'm Hers 

An edited (shortened) version of the Song of Solomon, Chapter 4 New Century Version

The Man Speaks to the Woman

How beautiful you are, my darling!
    Oh, you are beautiful!
Your eyes are like .....
    Your hair is like .....
Your teeth are like .......
Your lips are like .......
    and your mouth is lovely.
Your cheeks are like ...........
Your neck is like .........
Your breasts are like ........
Until the day dawns
I will go to that mountain of myrrh
    and to that hill of incense.
My darling, everything about you is beautiful,
    and there is nothing at all wrong with you.
Come with me .......
My bride, you have thrilled my heart;
you have thrilled my heart
    with a glance of your eyes,
    with one sparkle from your necklace.
10 Your love is so sweet, ....
    Your love is better than wine,
    and your perfume smells 'wonderful'.
11 My bride, your lips drip honey;
12 My bride, you are like a garden....

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

Christmas Gifts that Remind

I'd thought I'd go light today. It's Christmas. It's the time for giving (and getting).  I don't know about how things function in your home but in ours, I always seem to get gifts that remind me of my status as Her submissive!  And I must confess..... I love it when I do.  

I'm sure I'm not the only one who is the recipient of such gifts. There must be hundreds like me who receive (and give) so I thought I'd do a sort of Show and Tell post.  

What gifts did you give/receive that served as reminders of your dominance or submission?  I'd love to hear and I know others would as well.

For me..... I was given a lovely drying rack, something I'll use weekly to dry sweaters, tops, etc.  Another gift was a package of nipple clamps.... oops.... I mean bag clamps to keep cereal, crackers, etc fresh. My third gift was a lovely 1" thick block that's about 4" square. On one side it states, "she who must be obeyed" and on the other.... "You can call me Queen".  I was told the block was to be put on our bathroom sink so I could see it every day. And that's where it now sits.  Lastly, I was given several pair of pouch underwear.  As an aside, these are so comfortable for those who live most of their lives in chastity. The built-in pouch accommodates everything comfortably and I have enjoyed discovering this find. Mine are made in Japan and if you choose to order, buy one size larger since apparently the Japanese 'package' (and waist) is a size smaller than the American version. :)  

Merry Christmas.

I'm Hers

Friday, December 22, 2017

The Frustration Equation from a Woman's Angle

In the previous post I spoke of the ‘frustration equation’ (Expectation – Observation = Frustration) from a submissive’s perspective. My recommendation was for submissive men to reduce their level of expectation and simply do what their mistress tells them – to go with the flow – to be that supportive husband they vowed to be. After all, isn’t obedience the hallmark of what it means to be submissive?

What I neglected to discuss is how this equation applies to the dominant female? 

When I think of most heterosexual relationships I believe I can make the generalized statement that it is the husband, far more commonly than the wife, who is lacking (when compared to her) in his level of emotional maturity, discipline, devotion and relational commitment. Isn't it men who are the ones most addicted to porn? Isn't it mostly men who want to spend time with their buddies rather than spending time at home with their kids and spouse? Isn't it the guys who are more likely to spend time alone flipping channels or remaining glued to their laptop or cell phone while the house is a buzz with activity? Isn't it men who are less likely to feel the need for social, emotional and relational intimacy and instead converse about 'things' (sports, weather, cars and work, etc.)? In all cases (and again I am generalizing) I believe its men, far more than woman who are at fault when it comes to maintaining a healthy spousal relationship.

With this premise, I believe that female frustration has mostly to do with her man not living up to the standards she came to expect.  In order to balance ‘her’ equation and thus eliminate her frustration it's not her who needs to change. Rather it's her who needs to raise the standards she expects of him. What better way than within a FLR?

They say that 97% of all men masturbate and the 3% who claim they don’t are lying.  That statement always causes me to smile but it’s probably quite accurate. Men are sexually oriented. Our brains are often found between our legs. Sex is also our point of vulnerability. Media uses sexuality to sell. Women use it to get what they want. And dominant women use it to maintain control of their husbands. It's why so many men living in a FLR are locked or expected to live without masturbating.  

Men are sexually driven creatures and releasing on a frequent, if not continual basis, is a powerful driving force. But frequent ejaculation also serves as a powerful reducer of emotional dependency. Once the mountain has been summited, the desire to keep climbing temporarily ceases and male involvement with his wife diminishes.  I’m sure there are hundreds of men who read this blog who will confess their wives lock them for this very reason. Not only does it ensure fidelity, it encourages dependency. Eliminating voluntary ejaculation may not be the only reason men are locked but I’m sure it's at, or near the top of most wives’ ‘I better not catch you doing this’ list.  When viewing this in light of the frustration equation, keeping a husband chaste except for when she wants him, makes it easier for her to control his behavior.

The same principle can be applied to helping around the house.  For decades, if not centuries, it has been the woman who has taken care of the home. But the tide is turning and in the homes of women who maintain control of their husband, this tradition has significantly changed. Owned men are now expected to take a greater role in domestic responsibilities. Additionally, men now are more actively involved in family matters and child-rearing. With him now engaged in her home, her observation of his involvement becomes more closely aligned with her expectations. Frustration levels plummet when these changes occurs.

Examples can be made in the areas of him becoming more actively engaged with her interests, showing devotion, expressing non-sexual affection, becoming more attentive to her needs, engaging her in conversation on a meaningful level, and generally becoming once more the man who she fell in love with are all areas dominant women now expect their submissive husbands to demonstrate significant growth. 

By nature, women want to feel secure, loved and cared for. Dominant women, have within their power the tools necessary to train their husband to be that man. They have the ability to train up a man to be that supportive spouse who comes to understand her need for respect and to be heard. She can be that woman whose husband values her values and respects her decisions and abides by her principles. But in order for that to happen, it’s up to her to raise what she expects. She can become a bitchy wife but by doing so, she's not likely to gain his compliance. A better path is for her to use her sexuality and his need for sexual focus to get what she wants from him. By doing so she creates a win-win formula that leads to deeper intimacy on a multitude of levels. 

As submissive men, we already know this. We know it's our duty to obey. It's our duty to follow. We also know we depend on her to lead. When men reduce demands and when she assumes undeniable leadership by leading in the way she should, near perfect spousal harmony can result. 

Christmas is a time where God bridged the chasm between us and Him. He gave us the ultimate gift. My hope is that we can all take the time as both men and women who live in FLRs to look past ourselves to the person we love most; to see how we can raise or lower expectations as is appropriate - with the intent to better express our love to the one we love most.

Katie and I wish you all a Merry Christmas! 

I'm Hers