Saturday, December 31, 2011

Submissive YET Masculine

My apologies for forgetting to add a three letter word to my last post: the word ‘NOT’ in the last sentence. Thank you Tamara for pointing this out. In the comments that followed both  Ric C and Tamara brought up some good points that I want to elaborate on further in regard to the definition of masculine as well as a comment on Tamara's comment about man-appeal.
The list of masculine qualities that I presented in my previous post was not ‘my’ list, but rather a list of qualities from various surveys and research done by others.  It is a compilation of ‘male’ qualities as described by others.  When I wrote such qualities as: men initiate war, are emotionless, thrive on ‘getting’ rather than ‘giving', worries less about others, is manipulative, and a host of other traits, were not traits that I feel are complimentary ones. Rather I see them as selfish, stupid and demeaning qualities that some men exhibit at times - and do so to their detriment.  To me, being a man means embodying  the positive qualities found in so many men and doing so without embracing those that are self-seeking and destructive.  As Kathy pointed on in her December 26 Femdom 101 post I do believe she is correct with her implication that too many men have been reigned in as boys in recent years by their more passive parents and now have lost some of those wonderful qualities that make them male.  There is something to be said when author's now write books advocating these vanishing qualities in books such as Born to be Wild and others discussing this very fact.
The mother of my children often told our boys to be careful, to not climb too high, to not go too far from home, yet those tendencies were instinctive in them. Those qualities were part of who they were and they loved being that way.  They turned sticks into guns, loved to wrestle with dad, loved digging in dirt, loved being physical, active and energetic.  When I took them on our annual multi-day backpacking trips as young teens, with each one longer and harder than the previous year’s trip she wanted me to call home to let her know if they were safe.  That didn’t happen. I wanted to be away with them alone. I wanted them to experience solitude, sweat, hard work, beautiful views, the smell of a campfire, and all that there is to experiencing the great outdoors in the wild. The cell was off the entire time and saved only for emergencies. We walked on cliff edges (because that's where the trails were). We slept in bear country. We pushed ourselves physically; we farted and were proud of it! Lol.  We were just three guys enjoying God’s beauty in the middle of nowhere and we loved it – they loved it.  My boys thrived in that environment, even though it was hard work. They handled the stresses of a long day’s trek well; they learned how to stay warm when a cold rain pelted them all day long. They learned how to orient and start a fire when everything was wet. They knew what to do and how to take care of themselves should any of us become separated from the others.They experienced beauty that few see when above tree-line in an untouched wilderness and they were so proud of themselves as a result. You could see it in their eyes when they returned home and talked about summiting this peak, or scaling this wall, or walking to this cliff edge.  While away they were free to express their maleness. By that I mean they could explore, be adventurous, be active, creative, curious, competitive, conquering, think, problem-solve, deal with the elements, etc. Now I am not saying that the desire on the part of their mother to want them to be safe was wrong but I am saying that there are times when a boy needs to stretch himself and conquer things he never thought possible.  When my son was serving in Iraq some years later, he told me more than once that he often thought back on how thankful he was that I pushed him to not give up when it came to making him do certain physical chores as a boy. As a Marine he was stretched to his limits. While in Iraq he dealt with all kinds of stresses. What he was saying, in so many words, was thanks for being stressed as a boy because it helped prepare him for those stressors he encountered in the military.Those are the kinds of qualities that I hope all men hold dear as it makes them a better spouse, whether in a vanilla or D/s relationship.
Second, Tamara expressed how attractive it was to think of a man in the traditional sense as being attractive, meaning a man who is physically strong, muscular, handsome and possessing greater stature than his female counterpart. I find that appealing myself. I also believe that vision is attractive to women in general. I can think of several male bloggers who publicly state that their dominant partner has put them on diets, made them exercise, or force them to take better care of their body. One blogger put a picture of her husband on the web for other women to critique and comment as to whether they felt his physique was appealing or if she needed to have him lose a few more pounds.  Women enjoy seeing a man in good shape.
I have never been one to have weight issues but I do know that Katie loves to watch me towel dry after a shower so that she can see me flex as I dry my body. In fact she now requires me to dry off behind her so she can watch me in the mirror behind her while she puts on her make-up. And as an aside, it makes me feel good that she views my body as one that is appealing to her eye.  I also know she loves cuddling tight against me and running her hand over me as she snuggles in tight. I know she loves the ‘feel’ of my physique by the way she caresses me. I know that she loves touching my shoulder and chest. If there is one place on my body where she loves to feel the contours of my body is it where my shoulder and chest meet. For you anatomist, it’s where the anterior deltoid and pectoralis major muscles intersect. 
Tamara’s point of that vision of a strong, handsome and submissive male in the control of a petite woman is one Katie relishes as well and I couldn’t agree more.  I find the irony of Katie, a petite woman herself; a woman that feels so small and tender in my arms when we cuddle; yet one that knows without a doubt in her mind that the larger stronger man that is holding her tight is completely under her control and direction. Now that is a hot picture and one that turns me on. She doesn’t rule me because of her outward strength but because of her inner strength.  She loves my male-ness, my masculinity, and loves having it completely at her disposal.
So in conclusion, being submissive and being masculine can coexist.  The fact that I can submit to Katie even though I could physically overpower her is wonderful. She is the ruler of the roost, the head of our home, the woman that tells me how to best please her and I could not be more happy that she does.  The fact that she wields this power, does not make me less of a man. It just means that I have made the choice to submit just as she has made the choice to govern.  I hope you can see the beauty in this way of relating, especially given the fact that males (left to their own devices) can be selfish, emotionless, crude and not relationally oriented. But in the hands of a woman, those unattractive traits can be eliminated while the desireble ones can be cultivated to make a man even more masculine and more loving to the woman he serves.  And there lies a topic for a future post.  Enjoy your weekend.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Masculinity and Submissiveness

Katie and I read and then discussed a femdom 101 post that pertained to masculinity. The author commented that she felt football was so loved (by men) because it was the last bastion of masculinity in our culture.  I think I understand what Kathy was driving at - meaning that the NFL is a place where men can bang heads with other men. They can be warriors within a framework of basic rules that keep the game from getting out of hand.  However, neither Katie nor I agreed that this was what determined ones masculinity.
The questions I would ask are....  is masculinity defined by ones physical prowess? If a man has a white-collared job, does that make him less masculine than the football player, a steel worker or construction foreman?  Does status in ones job or position a reflection of one’s masculinity? What about income level?
I think the answer to all of those questions is - "those jobs, those factors, those questions have nothing to do with determining one's masculinity."  Masculinity is about being a male.  Do I believe that a quality of maleness is the enjoyment of 'rough-housing' that is characteristic of many sports? Sure I do. But I don't believe that physical prowess is intimately tied to masculinity. I believe masculinity is about embodying those traits that we often think of as being a man.  A list I obtained online contained a compilation of traits from US surveys and research regarding 'masculine'.  Here is how they described masculine:
  • More self-interested and competitive, needs less intimacy and less approval 
  • Very active and objective, independent and logical and often detached 
  • Strong drive for power & money, manipulative, and machine-oriented 
  • Very ambitious, talks mostly about things and takes things more literally 
  • Engages in put-downs, is a less responsive listener, is less apologetic and tends not to cry 
  • Less willing to seek help and less interested in the arts and religion 
  • Often intimidates others and seeks conflict. Thrives on getting rather than giving 
  • Is more polygamous, more sadistic and more sex-oriented 
  • Worries less about others is more aggressive and likely to Initiate war 
From the above list you will get a general picture of men, of maleness, of the definition of masculine. Not all men display all of these traits but the research found that men tend to be more this way than women.  The question I would pose to the football statement above is: Can you see these traits in a football player?  Sure. But can you see them in a custodian, a stay at-home dad, or an accountant?  Of course you would. Obviously not all men display all of these qualities. Variety is the rule and I would think that you’d find a vast variety of these traits in athletes, businessmen, educators, blue-collar workers and the unemployed man alike. Now I'm not saying that all of these qualities are desireble but it is who men are, by and large.
The feminist would be more likely to point out that these are undesirable traits.  I think they might change their mind when walking with their sub down an unfamiliar dark alley at night when she encounters a few locals from the hood.  At that moment, she might be quite pleased to see her sub suddenly display aggressive, active, competitive, territorial traits and defend the woman at her side from e dirt bags that just want to stir up trouble.
The inference that can easily be made is that submissiveness is associated with a loss of the above qualities.  I would counter ‘hum-bug’.  Submissiveness is nothing more than a power exchange and I would go so far as to state that it takes quite a secure, confident man to voluntarily relinquish power and desire to live under the authority of the woman in his life. Might a man give up masculine traits in the process? Yes, he may choose to embody his more feminine side if that is what his Domme wants but it doesn’t mean that he must.  I would say personally that Katie enjoys my masculine qualities. She actually gets sexually aroused when seeing me building, fixing and working with my hands.  I know she loves my aggressiveness. She equally enjoys controlling it and channeling my energies in ways that please her most.  I have found that I can be fully male and fully submissive at the same time and the reason the two can co-exist happily is because the two are NOT mutually exclusive qualities.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

A few thoughts on the poll

The results of the poll were much as I had suspected with many more men voting than women.  A few things did surprise me with the first being the age of those voting.  I had anticipated most coming to this webpage would be younger guys but in fact 2/3's of those voting were over the age of 40.  How interesting.  That really took me by surprise but maybe it just takes time for men and women to really come to grips with who they are relationally (sub/domme/vanilla, etc).

The other surprise, and this was a pleasant one, was the number of 'vanilla' guys that voted - almost 1/5th of male respondents.  What I liked about that figure was that it is evidence that there are men that are seeking alternative ways of relating to the woman in their life.  For those of you that read this blog I want you to know that I am a service sub.  I would say that I am also a masculine service sub and not one into crossdressing, make-up, being feminized and the such.  If that is who you are then I invite you to continue to stop by.  If it isn't well, I'd love to have you read and comment regardless but you may find other blogs more helpful and easier to identify with than this one.

As an aside to the above comment, I really did appreciate Kathy's most recent comment on that topic.  Her view is that we are quickly losing 'masculinity' from our society and in her mine there is much value to that.  As I read her post I too thought of how quickly boys are not the same boys as when I grew up.  They are more mild, less likely to spend the day wrestling, playing cops and robbers, army, building tree-forts, arguing and just being boys (in all their good and bad aspects) than what is typically found today.  As much as I know that I did so many stupid things as a kid like throwing tomatoes at houses, burning ants, steeling water melons from Farmer Walt's melon patch, lying about going over Tommy's house when I really biked with him miles from home, there is value about cultivating that adventurous, independent, fearless side of a guys personality.  Why, because I think in the end it builds the desire to protect the woman they eventually become linked to.

In my mind, I would not hesitate in the least to standing my ground to defend the woman I am committed to, even if it meant being pummeled by a man of greater prowess.  Somewhere in the growing up years that value needs to be developed, even if a man ends up submitting to a woman and lets her assume the authority figure in his life.

Well, I'm getting off topic here and will leave this for a later blog post.

I wish all of those that take the time to read the happiest of life as we ring in the new year in just a few days.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Just Curious

I would love to have you take a moment and complete the appropriate polls on the right hand side of the page. There are three that I have set up.  My reason for doing this is purely out of curiosity as I wonder who is it that typically visits this site. My hunch is that it is mostly younger men but that's just a guess.  Love to see how the results turn out.  Thanks so much for taking the time to answer a question or two. Have a Merry Christmas and enjoy time with those that you love and cherish.

Friday, December 16, 2011

A Note to Domme's

This morning Katie and I made love.  She had let me orgasm about a week ago and it has taken until yesterday for me to begin feeling, what I call 'the ache' that makes me want to touch, kiss, hold, cuddle, submit and serve with increasing levels or desire.  It's a great feeling and one that I am hoping she will let remain for a long long time.  While I was in the throes of being brought to the edge, I once again felt that same feeling of submissive 'ownership' emotions building.  It wasn't as intense as what I wrote about a few posts ago but nevertheless it was an intense satisfaction of knowing that I am owned by her. As we made love I told Katie how much I loved her and reminded her that I was indeed hers.  I wanted her to know the obvious: that she owns me and that my desire is to please and serve her. I wondered too what she was thinking. Katie doesn't express those inner thoughts lots unless I draw them out.  Yes she tells me often how much she loves me. Yes she smiles at me with a smile that melts me and conveys just how pleased she is with me. Yes I can tell that she enjoys my service of doing those things that I have agreed to do as her sub.  I know she is content with me as I have asked her if there is more that I can do or if I am doing all that she expects.  But  she is not very verbal when we are intimate and so I wondered this morning as I was filled with passion, lust and desire what it was that she was feeling. Was she just enjoying the moment? Was she feeling pleased that she could tell me 'no' when I begged her to let me cum? Was she thinking she just wanted me to enjoy her body. Was she feeling as dominant and pleased with my sexual service? Was she relishing the moment of listening to me trying my best to bring her to orgasm while keeping myself from cumming in the process?  I wondered what it was that she was thinking but never did ask.
I left for work with that thought on my mind.  She left me wanting with desire and I kept going back to that time of being close and sharing intimately with her.  I caved and texted her a thought: "I have a fantasy"
"What is it" was her reply
"That you climb on me. We make love and you bring me close to coming - like you did today - then you look me in the eye with your hand grasping my hair to maintain eye contact and tell me you own me while looking down at me. That I'm yours. That I WILL serve you forever - and that I won't be cumming for a long time. Then you use me to orgasm again by climbing on my face to lick you...... it's the talking, the stating what we both know, when I'm feeling vulnerable that I'd love you to express now and then"
Yes it was a long text. But it was how I felt.  So my note to Domme's, as I titled this post, is this: It is important that you express openly who you are to your submissive. It's important that you remind them that you own them and that they belong to you. It's important that you do this because I am pretty certain that they do this for you all the time.
After I sent that text my cell rang. It was Katie. Her first words after I said hello was, "so is that what you want?"  I told her it was. I told her I'd love to hear her assert herself while we made love. We talked and I told her that I felt like it was important that we express verbally to one another the obvious - that I am hers, that she is the boss, that her word is final, that I will serve her, that she will lead us, that she owns me, that she will do as she pleases with me.  Those kinds of things are important to express. It's important to not just assume something is understood but to state the obvious. It's important to state the obvious for two reasons - it keeps the submissive submissive and it keeps the dominant dominant. It seems overly simple but there is a powerful truth when we have the strength to share outwardly 'who we are' to another.  For example, it's one thing to obey her and make love the way she wants to and know that she can enjoy me as her submissive lover but it is even more important that I tell her how much I love her being able to enjoy me and that I love watching her use me, or that I love being there for her to enjoy, or one of a hundred other thoughts that convey how I feel as her submissive.
I left a job when I was in my early thirties to take another position in I really wanted.  I left after working there eleven years.  I distinctly remember many employees telling me in those final days there just how much they enjoyed working with me, how much they would miss me, how much the company I was at was going to miss me, etc.  I still remember thinking how nice it would have been if those people would have expressed those thoughts WHILE I was there and not when I was about to leave.  I truly felt appreciated and uplifted.  The same principle applies to relationships.  Telling Katie I want to serve her is just, if not more important than serving.  Telling her I love her dominating me is just as important as quietly relingquishing my will to hers and letting her lead. 
Sharing these kinds of thought can be done casually as well as during those moments of passion like the fantasy that I texted her. How I would love her to really exert her influence by bringing me to the brink of an orgasm and then telling me how much I am going to submit and how much she is going to use and enjoy me, how much she loves me both as her lover and as her sub that she intends to use to make her life more enjoyable. She doesn't need to say those things for me to know who is in charge. I know she is. She reminds me of that when she climbs on me. She asserts her dominance and puts me in a position of submission as the one that is serving her. She reminds me when she tells me we are done making love, she affirms it when she tells me I am not to cum. All of these acts demonstrate in nonverbal ways who is in charge - but when she takes the initiative to add to the act by speaking her mind a gigantic component of dominance is added to the moment. That is what I believe is so important for both the sub and Domme to be aware of.  
Communication is so important. Telling her how I feel can not be under stated. I think about her all the time. I've been thinking about her and our time together this morning all day long.  I've been thinking about her as I've spent the last hour or so writing this post. I've been thinking about how much I love her every time I feel my cock inside the Jailbird chastity cage she locked me in this morning. But thinking about how much I love her is not enough because Katie is unaware of all of those thoughts. I need to express what I am feeling by calling, texting while at work, or sharing with her how I feel when I get home this evening. And Katie needs to do the same. She needs to speak her mind.  In doing so she affirms her dominance, she becomes more comfortable speaking her mind about her dominance. She becomes more confident in her position. By expressing her thoughts, she encourages me to trust her more, respect her more, love her more, pamper her more, yield to her more.  It's important that she expresses dominant thoughts casually as when affirming me when I do well, instructively when I need to do better and sexually reminding me when we are close who she is to me as well as who I am to her. The latter can have a powerful impact on my psyche as a submissive since so much of her power is tied to her teasing and denying me as a means of increasing my personal attention to her needs.  I hope we will both feel more comfortable sharing in this way.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Intimacy/Denial Paradox

When I was in a former relationship it was marred by a lack of intimacy. We rarely made love – like only a few times each year.  What I experienced when she finally ‘opened the door to her heart to let me in’ was a tremendous amount of positive feelings.  I was accepted, not rejected. I felt love, not tension. When we made love it was nice and each time we did I was able to orgasm.  My point to mentioning this is how I felt during the periods between times of sex as well as during the next day. The following day I distinctly remember feeling loved, feeling close, feeling a greater level of intimacy or bondedness between the two of us. I felt like I wanted to do special things for her. I felt like she loved me more. I felt like we were close to being able to repeat what just happened the previous night again tonight. But of course we never did. 
Now that I am in a D/s relationship and experiencing denial, I feel those same feelings not after she lets me orgasm but all of the time.  Specifically I feel that intense attraction and desire for her not after I orgasm but ironically when she doesn't let me climax. After I have been denied for a week or two, those emotions build. My desire for her becomes quite intentional. I feel this deep ache in my groin because I can’t release and it seems directly tied to my desire to pursue her. I want her badly. I find myself becoming quite affectionate. I find that I respond to her touch as if my nerve endings are on hyper-drive as her kisses, hugs, touch, especially her touch of my cock feels so much nicer.  When we make love I don’t ejaculate because I am not permitted to do so. I am left wanting. The immediate period after we are done just hurts inside.  I want to cum so bad but because I am her sub I have to obey and yeild to her wants each time she tells me 'no'.  In a sense she has rejected me not by not allowing me to make love with her but because she doesn't allow me to orgasm.  Yet I don’t feel far away from her. Rather I feel exceedingly close. I sleep with her wrapped in my arms all night long. I am left feeling as if she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I feel as if I can’t wait to repeat this same act of love-making even though I know what the end will be and yet every morning when I wake up, I don't feel distance but close.  I feel so close to her emotionally. I want to serve her. I want to take care of her. I yearn for her touch and to touch her even more than the day before.

But when a sub is permitted release after a period of denial, what does everyone write about on the blogs?  They talk about feeling de-motivated. They talk about being grumpy. They describe situations in which they just want to relax and not do all of this submissive ‘stuff’ for their Domme. They talk about wishing they hadn’t been permitted to cum because they don't want those submissive feelings to go away. They feel down, and emotionally drained.
I find the contrast between my former vanilla life and my current D/s life fascinating from an emotional vantage point.  Don’t you? Why is it that the ‘day after’ in my vanilla life I felt so good, so close and affectionate toward her after ejaculating, whereas the day after in a D/s relationship I feel such a letdown?  Why is it that I can feel so close to my Domme even though she constantly rejects my desire to orgasm yet feel so distant from the woman that never wanted to keep me intentionally in denial?  Why is it that I feel subdued and emotionally drained after being permitted release after a month or two in denial yet feel close and wanting to serve when having vanilla sex with orgasm?
I think the answer in part lies in the tease and attention of the Domme to the sub during the period of denial for the submissive guy.  Her teasing is affection. Her domination and expectation in keeping me in submission to her are also ways that she demonstrates tangible affection daily.  The fact that she limits my release is also a deep expression of her love for me - even if it is a way for her to get what she also wants - my love, devotion, and passion toward her. All of this attention - especially the sexual attention feeds my emotional tank and my submissive desires making me feel both loved and dominated.  The fact that she teases yet denies also plays with the physiological mechanisms in my body increasing my desire to be close to her by raising those hormones that trigger those responses.
The rejection of limited sex in my vanilla relationship felt like rejection because there was no other form of love coming from her that I could interpret as 'love'.  Rather the rejection fueled a steady stream of tension between us because there was no sexual intimacy for weeks at a time.  Yes I was denied as a Domme denies her sub, but I was denied without tease, without love, without feeling wanted and needed  That life produced the exact opposite feelings I feel now as Katie's sub even though Katie has chosen to deny me for increasingly longer amounts of time.
Many blogs speak of the role of the Mistress with regard to controlling the sexual relationship.  She indeed does play an important role.  Besides the fact that she receives the sexual attention she wants. Besides the fact that she controls the bedroom and decides, if, when, and how she will allow intimacy to show itself, she also has the responsibility, if she wants her sub to ache for her, to deliberately tease him.  It is the tease that triggers the physiological changes. It is the tease that ramps up the male hormones to keep him living closer to the edge. It is her manipulation of her man by the touch of her finger, which triggers his passion for her. She can add to this desire by allowing him to serve her orally, vaginally or via self stimulation all of which are ways that she opens her emotional heart to him while he in turn services her. She allows him the privilege to touch her body, to allow her to feel pleasure, to bring her to as many climaxes as she wishes, regardless of his wants at the time.  It is this seemingly one-sided dynamic that in fact fills both partners and leaves the dominant completely satisfied and the submissive 95% satisfied yet wanting even more. 
Emotions are screwy things.  I don’t understand them but I am learning just a bit with regard to how the D/s dynamic can enhance those emotions that build closeness between a man and a woman.  I wish I had known this years ago, but am glad that I can enjoy the fruits of this knowledge now.  Love to hear your thoughts.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Youtube Sex

The number of viewers to this blog has jumped by leaps and bounds during the past few days and before I delve into my topic I wanted to welcome those that have ventured here for the first time.  Welcome!  A bit about me for those that are here for the first time:  I'm a middle aged guy and the content sub to a beautiful woman, Katie. She lovingly dominates me and it is my goal to serve her however I can as her submissive.  We are relatively new to this lifestyle, having only asked her if I could submit to her authority about 18 months ago.  We have followed the template of service submission that the book Uniquely Rika describes. My role is to cook, clean, and cater to her at all times. My role is to make her life more enjoyable and to enjoy me as she wishes. Since that beginning she has taken more control of me, especially in the area of my orgasm, having first put me into a CB6000 that I wore on and off until a month ago and then in to a Mature Metal Jailbird.  Her rule is: I am to be locked with away from her but unlocked while sleeping at night or during evenings at her desire if she wants to touch me while we sit and watch TV.  Her control of my orgasm has progressed from no control, to weekly to bi-monthly to suddenly complete denial for the past month and a half. I do not know when this period will end. I love Katie and will do anything and everything for her.  OK, enough about me. Feel free to read the very first few posts to get a better idea as to where and how we got into the D/s scene.
On to Youtube sex!!!  Let me preface this by saying Katie can have a high sex drive.  Second, she has a fantastic body and one that, even at her age draws the attention of men all the time. If I may digress - it ticks me off to see men stare at her when she catches their eye and I am with them.  I have learned to return their stare and put my arm around her neck pulling her in tight, just to let them know that she is mine - so to speak (even if I am her sub).  Well, one night last week we were laying in bed (me naked and she in her nightie) when one of these infomercials came on advertizing CDs of old songs.  I asked if she had heard of Dan Fogelberg and she couldn't remember his music so I brought up a song of his - Souvenirs - that I liked.  That lead us down memory lane where we listened to a few more oldies until Katie found a Prince song that is pretty hot. Off came her panties and on came the sex. The song ended and I took the liberty of finding another tune and back at it we went. Song n' sex. Song n' sex.  It was incredible. This went on for probably a half hour!!  What fun we had: Prince, Mary Jane Blige, Barry White, Marvin Gaye, Lady Gaga.....  I never experienced something like this where we could just make love, feel wonderful, have fun, laugh, stop and start again. Well it lasted until I made the mistake of playing Captain and Tennille's Muskrat Love, just for fun.  She pushed me off of her and told me, "we aren't making love to that song!", and headed for the bathroom.  I giggled as the mood of that song was so different from that of the pulsating beat and words of the others we had chosen.  Well, all good things must come to an end but while it lasted it was great!!!  I highly advise it if you can get your partner/spouse to play along with just the two of you and a laptop in the bed.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Starting Week 7 of Being Denied

I mentioned in earlier posts that Katie has taken the liberty to deny me for a period much longer than I've ever been denied.  To be honest it was me that said half serious, half jesting at the end of October when I mentioned something about not cumming until Christmas.  Katie took that statement to heart and it has been since about November 1 that I've last orgasmed.
What I've felt has not been consistent during this
time.  It took me about a week-and-a half before I felt what I will call frustrated or horny than usual.  That feeling lasted about a week until I had a ruined orgasm.  For the week after that, those feelings of desire left me but returned with even greater intensity toward the end of the month and lasted up until Sunday morning.  It was then that I had this intense emotional outpouring that I elaborated on in the previous post.  I was massaging Katie last night before we crashed for the night and mentioned that I have need suprisingly docile or at peace for the last two days.  I wonder if my emotions simply crashed and that 'emotional energy' was below normal.  Whereas I was semi-erect for hours on end during the days before my sobbing epiphany and could instantly be brought to full arousal in seconds with a simple touch from Katie, I was now facid and remained so all day long.  Only once or twice a day would I feel a hardness or look at her with a longing or lust for more.  To be honest, it was a period of peace and contentment where I could live free of the testosterone surge that had been at the forefront of my day for the better part of the previous week or so.
However, today I felt again, for the first time since last weekend, that ache in my groin returned. I feel it now as I write - probably because I am focusing on Katie and the hope that she will allow me to be intimate with her again tonight - or that she will arouse me with desire, knowing that tonight will not be the night for my next release.
I did ask her if she had a date in mind to which she replied 'no'. I pushed her a little bit and asked if she had decided if it would be at least til Christmas which she said "yes, unless I get the urge to have some fun with you before that."  Ugh. So what did I learn?  Nothing.  Well I guess I learned that she is committed to not being committed - that's pretty typical for her and as much I wish I knew when, I'm glad that I don't.  But I really would like this to end so I can start afresh once more - but then again..... I love being under her control and obeying her and feeling this way. I dont' know what I want any more! lol.
Enough writing for now.  Will update again in a week or so. Hopefully I'll get a great tease tonight. Now that would be fantastic!

Monday, December 5, 2011

A Moment of Revelation

Have you ever had one of those moments where, even though you know the answer at some level, the reality of the answer really hits-home in a profound way at a later point in time?  I had one of those moments last weekend. 

Katie and I had spent several days together.  Our relationship is and always has been wonderful but during the past few days we've been especially close physically and emotionally.  We've made love once, often twice, a day. She's kept me in denial for over a month and has teased me constantly during those times. My emotions have been on edge as a result - meaning - I feel very close to her. I want to be intimate, I want to touch her, be affectionate and pamper her however I can.  I also have a near-continuous ache in my groin from the teasing and prolonged denial. All of this has made me feel especially close to her.

We shared a morning of intimacy on Sunday.  She had lubricated my cock with olive oil and brought me to the edge of an orgasm more than once. She had me make love with her after and I was once again brought to the edge several more times as she herself reached her own climax more than once. She was nearing another and I wanted so bad to let her reach this one as well, but I couldn't. I was so close to one myself that I just couldn't take her 'there' without ejaculating - something she told I was not to do 'today'.  At that moment with a thousand feelings going on inside, I begged her if I could finish her orally but she told me 'no'. I asked if I could finish her manually but received the same answer.  I asked if I could withdraw but again was told 'no' once more. She held me tight, not letting me pull out, not letting me please her as I wanted, and all the while I felt like I was going to cum at any moment.  I don't know what happened but it was in that moment - with me on the very edge of an orgasm that I was not permitted to have for the umteenth time in the last several days; it was me now five weeks into being continually teased and denied; it was the two of us, breathing hard, our bodies intertwined, both at the edge of an orgasm, but with me not daring to cum but with no place to go to seek release that I lost it.

I don't know what came over me but I just started to sob. It was a tearless sob, but a sob nevertheless. It was a sob of realization - a joyful realization - that Katie really did own me. I saw her dominance and my submissiveness in a new light at that moment.  I felt owned! The reality of the pledge I had given her over 18 months ago just revealed itself to me with a new level of reality.  I really had made the choice to give myself to her. I really had decided to bow to her will and power.  I really was owned.  It was that word: owned, that kept pulsing through my head.  I was an owned man - it was of my own free will yes, but still, I was in the arms and now lived under the wish of my owner.

Although we have a healthy relationship in which we discuss, laugh, share and communicate about all things, all the time, she is indeed the alpha. She controls me. She owns me. She, not me, makes the critical decisions that impacts the two of us.  I am her submissive, not just in that moment where I wanted to cum but couldn't, wanted to make her cum but couldn't, and wanted to withdraw my cock from her but couldn't, but completely.  I really had yielded my will to her. I really had decided to obey and serve as her inferior.

As I sobbed for that minute or two she said nothing but held me tight as we lay side-by-side still in the act of making love. I kissed her face and neck repeatedly while pulling her body as close to me as I could.  The emotions passed but the reality of her owning me remained.  I told her I loved her. I told her I was hers. We kissed and made love again. I felt so close to her. I wanted nothing else but to be known as hers.

I am aware, in some forms of therapy that they speak of 'emotional releases' - those times when a patient suddenly cries out, yells, or experiences some form of significant emotional response when a truth or repressed emotion is finally identified and acknowledged.  I believe I had one of those same experiences. Yet I knew that I was her sub, that she was the dominant partner, that I was there to care for, love and submit to her. Yet something significant happened that brought all of that out into the light that was different.  I don't quite know what to make of it but it was a noteworthy moment for me as her submissive that I wanted to share with you. 

I wish you well as you read and would love to hear your thoughts.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Do I have the Guts to Ask?

I concluded a recent post with a rhetorical question regarding long-term orgasm denial - something different from long-term chastity. Katie has no desire, at least currently, to keep me locked 24/7, and frankly, I am appreciative of that.  She does have a desire to enjoy me inside her as well as the feel of me inside the grip of her hand, and I am oh so thankful for that.  The latter - the touch, the use of me for her enjoyment, the tease of tormenting me is what I crave. To be left wanting for days at a time is something I'm just starting to experience. I like it. I hate it yet I love it, and I think I want it. But to ask to be denied for three, four, six months? That's a long time. Call me a wimp but I don't know where that road leads.

At this point, now a month into denial I wonder just how enjoyable it could be to be denied for two or three times as long as she intends to deny me this round. I know she is loving this and loving how her teasing has changed me. And it has brought about changes. The seemingly constant reminder from being erect so much more makes me want her. I am now more sensitive to her touch; more likely to twitch sooner rather than later when she does stimulate me, even for short periods of time. I know I find myself wanting to touch her, outside of the bedroom, and definitely want to cuddle with her while in bed - all the time, all night long - something I know she really loves when we sleep together. Mentally my mind is on her more. My thoughts revolve around sex more. While under lock and key, when we are apart, the subtle constraint below is a constant reminder that I belong to her. I love the feeling of being owned, of being under her power, there to serve , and generally be one whose role it is to wait and please her however I can.

There are so many positives to long-term denial that I am beginning to see.  The key for me (and I think for her as well) is the tease. If the goal of denial is just completing the time or being her toy to use in that way, I have no interest.  But to be denied and left wanting because she has taken the time to stimulate me and bring to surface the frustration of being so close yet never coming, well that is different. That type of attention is what I believe is producing all of these feelings of emotional and psychological closeness along with all of the physiological changes that make me want her so bad. If she can be that woman, and I do believe she is, well then maybe denial is where we should go. The key as I see it is that there needs to be a playfulness to all this. Katie needs to want to enjoy teasing and tormenting me. She's never really spent an inordinate amount of time teasing, to the point that she makes me beg but she is bending more that way since we've first began this journey.

 I see the value the tease and denial in building closeness. I see the value of it developing intimacy. I see the value of it in molding a man to want to cater to a woman. I see the value of it in teaching me discipline, devotion, patience and viewing her as the dominant one in our relationship. I see it as building so many virtues.  Yet I ache to orgasm. I ache for that momentary release that feels oh so good even though I've read from many who say living the life of T & D is so much better. I want the very thing I don't want and at times it messes with my head. The unknown of living a life this way is a scary thought but I wonder if I will ask for her to consider this. Do I have the guts to do so? If I do ask, do we decide on how long together or do I just leave it up to her? What if I want out of this 'game' before she's ready? I think I know what I want. I think.

Tonight I'm going to spend an evening with her. Maybe we will discuss this more openly. My hunch is that she won't make any commitments as she enjoys me orgasming as well and I wonder how she will feel not letting me do so for months at a time.  For her I guess the question will be how much does she enjoy the orgasm and pleasure associated with me coming vs. the denial and the benefits she receives by denying me and having that type of emotional control over me.
If you were in my shoes, what would you suggest I do?

Monday, November 28, 2011

'Steel' and Living Under Her Control

The Jailbird from Mature Metal arrived the day after Thanksgiving at Katie's mailbox. After opening it she let me try it on for size briefly but other than that I was to wait until Monday before she put me in it long-term.  I was itching to see how it felt after being locked for several hours in comparison to what I was use to but in typical Katie style, that was not her interest, rather she wanted me out and accessible while with her. It wasn't until I was off to work today and gone for two days that she had me lock up after showering.

My initial feelings are that it's way more comfortable than my old CB6000 for a couple of reasons. First, the retaining ring is thinner and constructed with an oval shape and just feels as if it isn't even around your genitals than the thicker plastic 6000 retaining-ring.  Second is the size of the 'tube'.  Although I'm about 7" erect, I ordered a 2" tube, following the advice of a webpage by pansy tart.  Sitting with such a small tube creates almost no tug from underneath when compared to the 3.5" 6000 tube which tended to push me up and stretch the sensitive skin at the base of the cock. The shorter tube all but eliminates this tug.   So initial impressions are good although Katie doesn't like the size of the lock that seems to jut out and is not aesthetically pleasing to her eye so I"m going to have to make some modifications with that or send it back and have a security screw installed to keep her happy. I don't particularly care for the rub of the lock against my thigh when sleeping either. The lock of the CB6000 stayed centered while the lock on the JB lays off to one side. It's a small issue but one I'd fix if I was building it. My biggest difficulty with any chastity tube is night erections. Last night I had discomfort from 5am til 8am.  I'm not sure if I was erect the entire time but it sure did feel that way. There is no way around this so it's just something I need to deal with and learn to sleep through.

A major positive aspect of the Jailbird is that Katie likes seeing me in it. I put it on right after I showered and noticed her watching me towel dry and shave while naked.  While on the road later that morning I texted her and told her the snugness of it was making me horny. She commented that the sight of it on me had the same effect on her.  Now that is good news! 

I"m wondering now if she will be taking my key away - something she's always permitted me to have so I could remove the 6000 for showering and shaving purposes or in the case of some emergency.  I have a feeling if I mention it she will have me give it to her as I've noticed lots of little things changing that leads me to believe she enjoys pushing me into positions in which I am without power and under her jurisdiction as the dominant figure in our relationship.

For example, she has been spending more time stroking me and then just stopping for no reason after she gets me really worked up.  The other night she stroked me slowly and sporadically for at least a half hour while we cuddled. She said nothing but her intent was obvious. I was about to tell her to stop as I was afraid I might orgasm when she suddenly stopped. It was as if she read my mind but seconds later I heard her breathing deepen and realized she had fallen asleep!!  Ugh! I was dying for more but couldn't even move knowing I might wake her. We must be getting old!!

Another change is with our sex life. She's more recently been enjoying my body when we make love but she has changed her routine to suddenly telling me to stop or suddenly lifting off me when mounting me and making comments like, "we need to get up" or "I need to use the bathroom".  Now I'm not saying I am not thoroughly enjoying myself but I am left feeling like getting up or using the toilet are the last things I want to do at the time. , I'm left aching for more although I know my role is service and in that regard know that I've been able to satisfy her several times while being left on the edge myself. It amazes me how easily she can push me aside psychologically, and move on with her day. What a difference it is to please a Domme, to hear the pleasure I am producing but being left wanting, knowing full well that I am not permitted to feel the same degree of pleasure that she is as her sub.

A third change is with our foreplay. She has also been allowing me to stimulate her manually to several orgasms morning and/or evening but has not permitted me to do so orally.  I know that both are pleasurable to her, but if I had my druthers, I'd much rather please her orally to satisfy my own submissive desires of being between her legs rather than hold her tightly against my body while touching her through her panties.  Touching her while cuddling tight allows us to be more intimate physically but it is not nearly as erotic (for me) as being between her legs. I am not even able to feel her wetness as she makes sure my fingers remain on the outside of her panties while stimulating her.

These are just the latest changes in how she is permitting me to serve her. I don't even know if she means it or if it's just happening by chance but the sex, both vaginal and oral have changed in ways that encourage selflessness on my part rather than selfish enjoyment. I know she loves seeing me left wanting. I can see it in her smile of satisfaction when she leaves to use the bathroom or gets up to shower. I can see the devious look in her eye at times too. That look that indicates she knows exactly what she's doing by leaving me wanting , horny and craving her body long after we leave the bedroom. She is amazingly sexy and has been leaving me aching for so much more. It's been a month now since I've orgasmed. I'm loving where I am. I almost don't want the feelings to end but don't dare tell her so - at least not yet. Funny thing is, is that since this first prolonged denial, I think about wanting to go 'without' for a much longer time.  I don't know if I have the guts to ask or if she will have the courage to just make me. I love being under her control. I love having to please without having that climactic feeling myself. I love the the ache, as much as I hate it. So many paradoxical emotions. Having her make the choice would be so erotic. I wonder if she will. I wonder if I will truly become one of the 'denied' - to serve a Real Mistress?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Busy, Busy, Busy

Priming, taping, painting, painting again, installing countertops, tearing out a toilet and removing that lovely wax seal (yummy), dismantling and reinstalling a new sink, installing a mirror, towel holders and toilet paper holder, shopping for floor tile, purchasing moldings to update kitchen cabinets, purchasing a new interior door to install.... and working full-time all while living two-hours from Katie.  Life has been busy to say the least but today we are off with friends to tail-gate prior to a D1 college football game.

I'll write back later but leave it to say, we've been in work mode and not 'sex' mode, although all the while I'm always in service mode - which I thoroughly enjoy, especially when I see that pretty smile and get a thank you every now and then expressing her appreciation.

Enjoy what remains of your Thanksgiving holiday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Three weeks down, Five to go. I love being 'here'

In July of last year Katie decided she wanted to try putting me into the CB6000 partly to please my curiosity but also to demonstrate more dominance and control over me and to curb my propensity to masturbate when we were apart. At first she made me wear it a day or so, then told me to stay out for a few days as she felt bad locking me up 'too much'. In the weeks that followed my time in chastity progressed to wearing the 6000 whenever I was at work but never at night as she was sympathetic to the discomfort night erections caused me.  However that concern slowly vanished as she eventually told me to wear it 24/7 except when with her. (Note: We are not yet married and I live some distance away from her so I don't see her on a daily basis). When we are together she insists I unlock so she can fondle me at her whim and also because she absolutely hates feeling the plastic against her back or beneath her leg when we are together in bed cuddling or sleeping.

So for me I have never experienced complete lock-up for more than a weeks' time. Instead my time in the tube has been typically only for a few days before being let out.  Along with her routine of locking and unlocking me has been my orgasm control.  At first, her preference was for me to orgasm every time we made love, which typically was several times a week.  That pattern became the status quo for many months before she decided to limit me to weekly orgasms - give or take a day or two.  It wasn't until I made the mistake of bringing up longer periods of denial that she decided to take me up on my idea earlier this month because she wondered how I would react to the extended period of denial. Little did I know she'd go for this since she so much enjoys being able to make me ejaculate and then reinforcing her dominance by instructing me to consume after ejaculating. 

I know that I am not alone in this locking/unlocking trend although the vast majority of blogs I've read speak of men in chastity that don’t follow my experience. Rather, they speak of a dominant woman locking them up and then leaving them locked until she is ready for him to orgasm after which she locks him once again and repeats the cycle.  I have never experienced that type of control and I do not know the feelings involved while under that form of  'abstinence' control.  Those that have indicate after about three weeks time under lock and key their psyche begins to change. They report becoming more docile, obedient, affectionate and submissive to their dominant partner.  I've never had those feelings either as I've never been limited to a monthly (or longer) release cycle.

What I've experienced is a blend of both chastity while being teased and denied for short periods. However with Katie's recent decision to extend my time to orgasm until Christmas, I am finding that prolonged tease and denial (without orgasm) has elicited both the most enjoyable as well as the most frustrating feelings I've yet encountered. These feelings are different and I think the source is the length of time since I last released. No, I don’t feel submissive, docile, or more passive. Rather I feel the opposite. I feel sexually charged. I am more horny now than ever. To have the privilege of making love with her; to be encouraged to push myself to the edge of self-control and then to remain there before being told she's had enough elicits paradoxical feelings of pleasurable intimacy as well as an agonizing desire to ejaculate - yet not ejaculate for to do so would mean the end of these 'feelings'. The frustration of wanting to comply yet wanting release increases sexual tension and causes me to remain sexually charged long after we've risen and moved on to other activities that make up ones' day. 

What I've found personally as I am now three weeks into being denied is a desire every time we lay together to be intimate.  I want her. I want her to be open to being intimate.  I ache for the time when she tells me she wants me and find myself disappointed when she tells me it's time to get up or time to go to sleep. I understand that we won't be intimate every day, yet that is what I now want.  When those times arrive the fact that I won’t be reaching orgasm becomes a mute point. What does matter is knowing she will be touching me, stroking me, using me – and all of that attention will fuel the fire that makes me want to love and lust after her all the more. Those emotions are becoming more powerful as the days since my least release lengthen. I want to be able to please her and when she allows me to do so, those feelings are quite intense. Although the emotions and closeness to her are wonderful the fact that I can please her yet once again is even better. There is nothing better than bringing her to several orgasms in the morning before rising or before cuddling and falling asleep at night – and left aching for release as well. 

What's the benefit to all of this for both of us? I find that yes, I am becoming more affectionate during the day.  Horny may be a better choice of words than affectionate but regardless I find myself wanting to touch, hug, kiss and caress her often.  Katie has been feeding my passion for her by flirting and expressing her love for me in return. A simple squeeze of my crotch now goes a long way to ensure I am going to continue with my attention to her than she could ever imagine. The power of being denied is strong. My desire for her is growing. The power she has in controlling me sexually is unmistakable. And all of this is fun for both of us.  I love being under her control and she loves knowing she can make me ache for her so easily.

I keep thinking to myself, and told her so this morning, "are really going to make me wait another five weeks?" I'm aching for her. I think the feelings are more intense because of the tease along with the denial. But I’m loving it. I’m loving the feelings. I’m loving being sexually charged. I’m loving being under her power. I can't wait for her to excite me sexually while she enjoys my body for her pleasure and experiences the orgasms she so much deserves yet continues to deny me yet again telling me "it's not Christmas yet".  I've never experienced such feelings of want throughout the day as I've felt this past week.  Yes, it's taken at least two weeks for me to feel the intensity of my abstinence. Having not been denied for this long of a time is a first. Orgasming weekly isn't didn’t make me feel this way. This is different and I love it. 

I don't believe I'd be feeling this way if I was just locked and left alone to wait. Being denied is one thing but being denied while being teased is another. For me, it's the best of both worlds. It feels wonderfully frustrating (in a good way) and I am hoping that my sexual intensity continues to grow as the days since my last orgasm mount.  If it does, I wonder if I will actually ask to be denied beyond Christmas!!  Now wouldn't that be ironic - to want yet not to want release.  I'm not ready to ask - at least not yet. But who knows, maybe she will give me the gift of release OR if she will give me the gift of continued sexual frustration that feels oh so good right now. I'm not sure what I want, but I'm starting to hope for one more than the other.

I'd love to hear you comments. Thanks for taking the time to visit and read.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Update on Chastity

After a year in and out of the CB6000 the plastic finally bit the dust.  One of the two small holes in the retaining ring through which the plastic pins insert broke leaving the ring non-functional.  I asked Katie if she wanted me to spend the $20 to replace it but she told me to wait.  I've been free now for almost three weeks but have only been permitted release once, and that only because I pushed myself too close while we were intimate last week.

Katie and I have discussed the option of moving from plastic to metal off and on for quite some time and a few days after the 6000 broke she informed me to purchase such a device, which I did later that day.  All along, her desire was to put me into a chastity cage that allowed more air and ease of cleaning than the plastic tube. She also is fond of the look of a steel cage enclosing a man's penis. The other selling point was that she wants me encased in a more compact tube that is less revealing. After reading articles from the links below I purchased a Jailbird from maturemetal with only a 2" steel tube. There are excellent articles for those interested in pursuing small steel chastity cages at these links: 1  2.

So, I've been waiting with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension for the arrival of the steel cage.  What I've noticed during the past few months when we are intimately close is a decreased desire on her part to make sure I orgasm frequently.  It's as if our love-making has really become all about me pleasing her but also ensuring that she brings me to the very edge of orgasm and then keeps me there for many minutes before telling me she's enjoyed me enough for now. Katie's told me she likes the way I act when I'm denied. I guess I'm more doting and attentive. I believe she is correct. What I do know is that when left wanting I crave her. It's like I want to touch, hug, kiss and caress her throughout the day - all the time

I jokingly told her that maybe Christmas would be a nice time for the gift of release - never expecting her to agree.  Yet she did. As it appears - at least at the time of this writing - I will be denied for another six-weeks minimum.  When asked why she wants to deny me for a time significantly longer than she's ever done, she told me she wants to see what affect seven weeks of tease and denial has on me.  I will be venturing into the unknown. I've gone this length of time without release in the past but never while in a love relationship while being teased and especially never while being constantly allowed to please her sexually.  I guess I will write more about this over the Christmas holiday.

Only 43 days till Christmas.  The countdown til the big holiday will take on a whole new meaning.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Guilty Domme?

Subservient Husband commented in my last post in reference to the adjustments that partners need to make in a D/s relationship. He stated not all of the adjustment falls on the submissive but the Domme also needs to adjust and in doing so may experience feelings of guilt. I replied to that comment indicating I had never considered that and later learned that Katie indeed has these guilty feelings periodically when she makes me do things she ordinarily wouldn't require of me in her 'still vanilla mind.'

A few thoughts came to mind regarding guilt and our D/s relationship after discussing this with Katie during the past few days as to why this may be.
Thought 1: The last verse of James Chapter 4 in the Bible states: If you know the right thing to do and don't do it, it's sin - eg. it's wrong.  Regardless of your faith or belief system the verse implies we all are born with a moral compass. We all have a conscious. We all know right from wrong.
Thought 2: The feeling of 'guilt' arises when we know we've done 'wrong' or made another do something they shouldn't have done. Wouldn't you agree?   "Guilty as charged." "He is guilty." "He didn't do it but he's guilty by association." Guilt is associated with doing the wrong or making another do something that you know they shouldn't be doing.
Thought 3: As her sub, I want her to tell me to do more, to enjoy my service, to bask in the freedom of doing less.  So why is she feeling guilty for telling me to do the very thing she says she wants to avoid; chores like meal preparation and clean-up, vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom?  After all, this is what she wants and it's I want too.
So why the feeling guilty? She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't violate her moral compass. She isn't making me do anything I don't want to do for her anyway. Does she feel guilty because she is sinning as James' notes in the New Testament? I don't think so. In fact I know it's not because of that and I'm certain its not because she is abusing her authority in some way that produces feelings of guilt. In fact she is giving me the gift of submission every time she directs/tells/commands - and she knows that.
I think the short answer to this (and to the feelings of guilt that SH's wife feels) is that Katie is still growing into her role as my dominant. There seems to be no other explanation.  It is evident in our relationship that she enjoys being the one in charge. In fact she has no problem in telling me what she expects in the areas of cooking, cleaning, and control in the bedroom (including frequency, position and denial). Yet, as mentioned a few weeks ago, she still struggles at times with telling rather than asking; directing rather than requesting. 
For decades she has lived in a home where working in a 50/50 relationship was the norm. Now it's not; at least for us. The change to that of living in a D/s relationship is still and adjustment. Because of this she's really not there with respect to her confidence. She's really not at the point where she can revel in the fact that her best friend and lover is at her beckon to care for her.  I believe she feels guilty because she still feels like she ought to be be helping me (even though she really doesn't want to) from time to time. Until she can rest in her dominance and the privileges associated with that position, those feelings of guilt will persist.  If she can move - mentally - away from the expectations of a vanilla wife and realize fully the gift of power she possesses as the dominant one, those feelings should end or so I would hope. Regardless of how she feels,

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thoughts on Submission

I will admit that I am new to this way of life. I’ve been a sub for but a little over a year and even then I’ve been in a relationship that has been anything but one in which I have been a slave, or been forced to submit in ways that have stretched me much out of my comfort zone. No, I have not been subjected to humiliation, pain, feminization or other acts that I personally believe are unhealthy to a relationship. But yes, I have entered into a relationship that is anything but traditional. I do all meal prep and anything that has to do with the kitchen. The kitchen is mine as is the laundry room. I also am under her sexual control and am in chastity whenever she wishes me to be locked – which has become anytime I am not in her presence. I am also under her orgasm control and although it has never been prolonged, it is no longer my choice as to when I will be permitted release. I am expected to massage her nightly. I am expected to keep the home clean. I am expected to treat her like a queen. I am expected to obey. I am expected to do what I can to make her life easier, more enjoyable and to make her feel loved.  So in that way my life has changed.

What I want to pen here is something written more to those thinking about taking on this lifestyle than those involved a D/s relationship for some time. Specifically the topic here is how can a sub maintain a healthy love relationship with his Domme when there has been so much taken away from the sub’s life?

I don't think a sub that gives to his Domme will feel as if he has lost much and the reason I say that is because I believe there is a parallel between D/s and Parent/child relationships. Le'ts focus on the latter for a second. Do you remember standing up for your mom or dad as a child? Remember those comments like “my dad is better than your dad” or “my mom is smarter than your mom”.  I sure do. I loved my parents yet I had all kinds of limitations placed on my life. I had to get up and go to bed at specific times. I had chores to do, and my homework needed finishing before I could go play. I could go to certain friend’s homes but not others. I had to ask before I could do anything out of the ordinary. I had to obey Mom and Dad and a host of other adults in my life. Yet none of these restrictions made me unhappy. It was just what was expected. In fact those limits provided me with a framework to live within and gave me with security as a child. I loved my parents and loved being a kid, despite having so many expectations in my life.

Kathy addressed this same topic and posted that “submissivemen who are well trained, disciplined,and leashed are some of the happiest husbands in the community.” Don’t those words sound like the same advice one parent might give to another? Train your child. Be consistent. Don’t give in. Make them comply with your expectations. When they do something wrong discipline them but be sure that your discipline is structured to teach and not just punish. Give them limits. Allow them certain freedoms but don’t just let them run free.  All of those words we use as parents are those same words that Kathy used with respect to a content submissive – trained, disciplined, leashed.  Pretty interesting isn’t it?

The other piece of the puzzle is acceptance. A child knows nothing different as he or she was raised from birth in the environment they find themselves. Not so with a submissive. A submissive enters into a relationship typically having been in an egalitarian one initially. It is their willingness to relinquish power and status and accept, in essence, the position of a child in a peer relationship that must occur for a D/s relationship to have a chance at success. But it is the man that typically comes to the woman asking for her to become his Domme, his Mistress, and his superior.  The very fact that a man would ask his girl or wife to do so implies that they want limits put on life. It is the desire of the man to give up, to accept, and to fall under the authority, leadership and guidance of the Mistress that will assume the power to control him.

As much as this change would seem to be hardest on the man, I have found that this change has been harder for Katie to assume than for me to accept. I think it’s because of the amount of time I spend dwelling on my life as a sub is significantly more than she spends pondering how she can reinforce my submission to her benefit. This leads me to my final point. The Bible states, where your mind is, there will your heart be also. How true. Altering ones very thoughts by dwelling on the life, role, expectations, wants, desires and hopes of a sub throughout the day – every day – for many days on end, changes the mind. I know it has changed mine and I am certain that other subs would echo that same truth.

The success of a D/s love relationship depends in large measure to the attitude of the sub that must accept limitations and restrictions as well as gratefully assuming the majority (if not all) of the duties needed to both run a home and care for his dominant lover. But the Domme’s role is essential in reinforcing, maintaining, and assuming the role of the responsible one with respect to directing the relationship, making financial and relational decisions and knowing when to treat her submissive man like she would a child as opposed to treating him as her peer. In the end, it is the willingness of both parties to assume their respective responsibilities. It is the role of the woman to accept his submission and lead, while it is the role of the man to willingly give up power and become a follower and live under the loving jurisdiction of the woman he cares for so much.  If the submissive is able to do that he will not feel like he is giving up anything but in fact, feel like children do, that live with restrictions is now the norm. I can attest it is a beautiful life to live in.