Monday, February 28, 2011

How it all started

I am in my 50's, and have lived all but one year thinking, living, and embracing 'vanilla' thoughts.  So how did I end up where I am, waking up in the morning, getting her shower ready, draping a towel and washcloth over the shower curtain rod, putting her deodorant on the sink counter and toothpaste on her brush all before she sets her feet to the floor and begins her day? While she's showering I make the bed, tidy the room, feed the cats, check her email, get her vitamins and meds out along with a glass of water, and hustle back upstairs ready to blow dry and comb her hair. Why did I decide to make her thoughts and needs my foremost priority? What changed that made me want to do chores for her, that caused me to want to give all of my thoughts, energy, effort, and desire to her, so much so that I now think of me second, making her  my foremost priority – and actually enjoy doing all of this?

To be perfectly honest, it happened totally by chance.  One day I was reading a story a woman wrote and posted on an adult online webpage.  In that story, she told how she came to dominate her man sexually. When I read it, it triggered quite the unexpected reaction within.  I liked it. In fact, I loved it.  That story had links to other similar ones and I spent many hours over several days reading about other women dominating men - mostly in ways I cared not to ever experience myself. The stories spoke about women controlling men, and being pleased by them sexually. The depicted men loving being treated this way and loving the sexual service they rendered at the whim of the women that controlled them. Some men were publicly humiliated, others blackmailed, others were 'found out' by their wives and others simply asked it they could submit themselves to the authority of a woman - to serve as their sub.  What was a sub?  I had never heard of that term before. What was it that excited me so much? There was something in those stories that peaked my interest and I set out to find what it was.

Being the type of person I am I hit the web running, engulfing everything I could find. I learned about professional Dominatrix's, about service-oriented submissives, about men dressing as women and doing the housework in a blouse and skirt, about men (and women) serving as slaves to their Dominant partner. I realized there were Master's and Mistresses out there and lots and lots of men desiring to be dominated by a woman - some married, some not; some being dominated via the internet and paying for the privilege of being dominated by a woman living hundreds of miles away - one they'd only seen on a webcam. There was something about this whole lifestyle that appealed to me. It was like nothing I had ever thought of before. It was so radically different from how I had lived.  It was something that I wanted to try.

I had ended a marriage of many years and was dating another woman that I had fallen love with. She too had come from a normal heterosexual relationship of many years. We were both Christians, both raised as you probably were - in a male led home. We had both married and both perpetuated that traditional lifestyle, instilling traditional family values into our own children along the way. When I met and got to know my girl, one of her attracting qualities was her openness. I could talk to her about anything and so I broached the subject about FLR after reading lots.  We talked. Surprisingly she identified somewhat with the topic of women being the head of the home. She reflected on her former marriage and how she felt in many ways she was that person - not a Dominant - but the head of her home. She shared with me how she was the one that took care of the finances, raised and instilled values into her kids, ran the home, planned the meals, interacted with other women planning social events, made decisions with respect upkeep at home, making major purchases, deciding on where they would vacation, and so much more.  No, she wasn't the one bringing home the money but she was the one making all the important decisions. She was the one in charge in so many ways.

As we talked, I could identify with her. I realized that she led the life of a dominant in so many ways. No, she wasn't being served but she was the point-person, the glue that held her marriage and family together, the one that her family came to for counsel. We had many conversations talking about female authority and during those talks she agreed that in many ways, women were better suited to lead relationships and gave good reasoning why. Eventually I approached the 'sexual' aspect of female domination and discussed the stories I had read.  We conversed mostly via email about this and it was there that I spoke more specifically about what I had read. I got the courage, wanting to know her thoughts about a woman controlling the bedroom and sent her a short email with a link to the story I had read. All I said was, "This is me. Is this you?"  She responded, "This is me."  Wow! She was into this. I couldn't believe it. And so we continued talking.  

To be honest, what enticed me about dominance and submission was the sexual domination of the woman. I wasn't into serving her outside the bedroom anymore than most men are, but I sure wanted to experience her taking charge of me in the bedroom.  I even went so far as to write and publish on-line stories about my fantasies - they were titillating and mentally drew me further into the whole D/s scene.  Finally I asked her if she would consider a relationship in which she assumed the 'head' and I the submissive role. In her quiet, unassuming manner, she agreed to do so - but only on a trial basis. Yes!!!

Not knowing how to act now, I filled my perceived role of the male, based on what I had read. I walked around the house naked most of the time, I kept my eyes lowered, I tried to do everything I could for her, and I asked if I could please her sexually throughout the day.  She let me do my thing but I could tell that she was not into this nearly the way I was and to be honest addressing her as 'Mistress' rather than by her name was really not me. But I did so because that was how I thought a sub should address his superior.  Afterall, that's what everyone wrote about. Some weeks later, I came across a fetish website and joined it.  There I cconversed with other submissives and slaves as well as Dommes.  I wrote many dominants and asked lots of questions. I wanted to learn first-hand from those that knew the ropes. Some responded. Many didn't. However, the few that answered my questions with thought helped me immensely. One in particular conversed with me for a few weeks and she was so instrumental in helping me learn the real truth about the D/s lifestyle from a service oriented perspective.  It was through her that I learned that submission wasn't just about sex but about a lifestyle of taking care of my dominant partner.

Through her, my eyes were opened still further and I began to see the magnitude of what it was I was considering - and I liked it.  I struggled with this,slowly grasping how much my life could or would change. I struggled with D/s and how it meshed with my faith but rationalized that the two were able to coincide (a topic for another time).  My partner and I discussed a deeper commitment and we gave each other rings signifying that commitment to one another as Domme and submissive.  I made promises to submit and she told me know her expectations.  I stopped calling her Mistress and stopped with all all the role-playing that just wasn't me. How nice it was to just focus on serving and not acting. I served so mostly in little ways - being the perfect gentlemen, showing lots of affection, helping her in small ways around the home, doting on her when in public, and letting her make decisions.

Enter Miss Rika. A few months later I ordered the book Uniquely Rika and read with interest her view of service oriented submission.  Most was a reiteration of the conversations I had with the dominant woman that I had been emailing but in reading Rika's book, I realized more clearly what 'service' oriented submission entailed. It wasn't that she was telling me anything new, but I think I was able to reflect on her words now with a different perspective. I wasn't hearing it all for the first time and I could now digest more than initially.  Wow! When I read about what her husband did it hit me like a bomb.  He prepared ALL of the meals. He ironed ALL of the clothes. He waited for her to leave a meeting or commitment. For me, it was these kinds of statements that blew me away.  I swallowed hard and wondered - do I want to offer to do that for her?  I couldn't. I offered to wash and dry and fold clothes. I offered to help prepare meals and clean up. But I couldn't go there fully.  Yet after a month or so of 'helping' with those chores, I decided I did indeed want to serve in that way. It took me time to adjust; to understand that it really wasn't that much more work to do it all than to do most of it.  And besides - I knew it would make her happy. So I asked, "Can I prepare all of your meals?" and "Can I iron your clothes?" She happily agreed.  And that is where I am now.

I am learning. This is still so new. It's a process but what I can tell you is this - my initial view of submission was way off base. It was 'scene-based'. It was predicated on what I had read. It was about ME, not about her.  What I've learned - and am still learning - is that it's not about me.  I still don't get that fully and at times pout when I don't get what I want.  But at least now I realize what I'm doing and can step back and see the error of my way. I'm taking steps into submission. Our relationship as a couple that is dating and not married limits my submission to some degree. I am certain that once we marry, my submission to her will deepen. As my love for her grows, my submission will deepen. It's a life I look forward to. I love where I am. I love where she is.

I hope my story helps you, if you are new to this or considering this lifestyle to realize that submission is work. It's hard. It takes discipline. But when you think about it - it's really about loving your partner unconditionally. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about looking outward to her, rather than inward to you. It's about giving rather than getting. And the reward in doing all of this far outweighs the work.  To feel the love of the one you love - well, why wouldn't every man live this way if he truly says he loves her? Submission is love in action and as the good book says, it is better to give than to receive.


I welcome your thoughts and comments.
-I'm Hers-

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why am I this way?

I am a middle aged man. I was once married for many years in a vanilla relationship. I had no idea other relational lifestyles even existed. It wasn't until recently - within the last year in fact - that I even knew that there were such things as Femdom marriages, Dom/sub Dynamics, female led relationships or other such 'arrangements' in which a woman assumed control of her man. How I found out about service oriented submission and what lead to me asking her to be my Dominant is a topic for another post, but have you ever wondered what makes a man 'a submissive' in the first place?  I would guess that most men have no real idea what it really means to be a part of a D/s relationship when they first begin having submissive thoughts.  I know that it wasn't until after I asked to be the submissive partner that I began pondering why it was that I am this way - why it was that I wanted to live this way.

If you ask others that know me (but don't know my relational bent) they would describe me as strong, confident, secure, educated, athletic, masculine, hard-working, and probably other adjectives that represent traditional male traits and perceptions.  I know, however, that I also have deep internal needs that are filled by submitting and I am absolutely certain that the origin of those needs can be traced to my upbringing which has significantly impacted my view of women and how I relate to them.  Here's a couple of examples to expound on this topic:

1. My mom withheld affection from her children once they reached school-age. I didn't even realize this until one day my own son asked me why grandmom doesn't hug me anymore. He was only five or six at the time but that innocent comment haunted me for years as I reflected back on my own childhood. In fact, I cannot remember my mom hugging me, holding me, or kissing me. I know she must have, but I can't remember even once, so if she did, it was only done rarely.  Yes I felt loved and I knew she loved me. My parents loved one another, they provided for me adequately, and we lived a "Happy Days" life in many ways. They brought us up with all the traditional middle-class America values teaching me the importance of family, home, country, respect, honor, etc. But my parents withheld affection to their children. We didn't hug. We weren't kissed. When we visited others, dad would shake hands but mom never hugged.  We were like the Norwegian folk in Garrison Keeler's Prairie Home Companion stories.  My parents were 'cold' emotionally and affectionately. It was just how they were. Unfortunately for me, it left me longing for a woman's touch and attention.

2. I was a good kid.  Yea I did things that weren't right, but as a kid I was pretty adept at keeping that information out of the hands of mom and dad.  There were those times when I did get caught and when I did, all you-know-what broke loose at home. What is significant here is not that I caught caught doing something wrong, but that when I did get caught and mom found out, she treated me as if I was a bad person.  Not only did I do something bad, but I was bad. I experienced rejection and the cycle was pretty much the same each and every time she disciplined me.   She confronted me, yelled and spanked me, and sent me to my room, and then there was a significant period of time when, after being punished, I was not spoken to or looked at. Basically I was rejected until her anger subsided.  Only then would I she talk to me normally. It didn't take long for me to figure out how to repair the damage and reduce the time till she was back liking me again. I knew that the way to restore my relationship with her was to be good - to please her, to be nice, to suck up to her. And I did.

3. I know that my tendency is to avoid conflict. I'm a pleaser by nature.  Therefore I tend to be a fence-mender rather than one that stirs the pot.  As I've matured over the years, my self-confidence has grown and I think I've outgrown those insecurities of my younger years, yet I know that my approach, my instincts, when dealing with conflict is to be good or nice or smile or just keep my mouth shut rather than bring up issues that produce tension. In my everyday life, I strive to please. I strive to be honest and work hard and succeed but there is that little voice deep within that spurs me on not just to do well but to please those for whom I am working.

4. Not related to my upbringing but significant to why I am who I am is my desire to get things done. I love to work. I love crossing things off of my work list. I love order. I love not having to think about what it is that I still need to do. I'd rather just get it done. I wouldn't say I am an obsessive-compulsive but I am definitely not a procrastinator. I have a hard time relaxing at home if a room or the house is a mess. I find my self wanting to straighten, clean, or do what's needed to restore order rather than live with stuff being out of place.  When it's clean and put away the room exudes a feeling of peace.  It makes me happy. It allows me to relax.

So where am I going with all this?  Here's my point: I think that my current wants and needs have been significantly impacted by my upbringing.  I am not a psychologist and do not have hard facts to validate my belief, but I think that all of us are strongly influenced by the love and care (or the lack thereof) we received by those that raised us.  For me, I believe that my mom brought me up unknowingly to submit to her authority and when I didn't I lost her approval. Sadly, I realize now that part of my relationship with her was based on her approval of me.  I know too that I long for touch and attention and understand now that those are two of my 'love languages'. Maybe that's why serving seems so natural.  Maybe that's why words of approval have such a positive impact on me.  Maybe that's why a woman's touch and attention carries so much power when it is extended affectionately or sexually.  Maybe my tendency to get things done, and to clean is a natural extension of who I am meant to be and fits so well with the service-oriented submissive role that I am in now.

As I've reflected on my life I see that I am, in many ways, perfectly suited to serve. I have no desire to be a wimp, to be sissified, to be humiliated publicly.  When I speak of serving, that word is not synonymous with 'weak'.  I am a man through and through, but I happen to be a submissive man when it comes to relating to, and caring for the woman I love and serve.  How lucky is she to have found me wanting this life :)  How much luckier am I that she has assumed the role as head of our home and accepted my desire to serve.

Does my story in any way sound like yours?  Why do you think that you have chosen to be a submissive?  Why is it that you think the man you are dominating enjoys living under your control?  When I ask 'why' I mean, like deep within, what is there inside him that produces that yearn for a woman to lead. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment so others can benefit from our dialog.
As for me,
I'm - hers

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Finally!

I've been wanting to begin a blog for sometime and now finally took the plunge.  My desire in doing so is in-part to record my thoughts as I walk this new road of submission with my Dominant. It's been about a year since I first learned that this lifestyle even existed and after reading much about it - and reading lots that I believe is NOT  what I want - I began talking to my partner.  We talked for several weeks discussing this 'non-traditional' relational format. We didn't know if it would change us for the worse and in particular she was concerned that it would turn her 'into a bitch' as she put it.  However, we decided to try and after a few months of living this way, I formally asked if she would assume the permanent head of our relationship. She accepted and together we continued our journey on this path which we both thoroughly enjoy.

We both have learned much since then, and our relationship has progressed similar to the way I believe most D/s relationships that are service-oriented have also evolved.  As for me, I was initially looking for sexual domination but soon learned that this lifestyle is so much more than submitting sexually. As we read and discussed we agreed that we didn't want a 'scene-based' D/s relationship but one that encompassed our daily 24/7 lives - one that permeated our lives in every way. We are still new at this. We are learning. We continue to talk. Our relationship, specifically my role, continues to change as I learn more about what it is that she really wants and needs. In the future I want to discuss these topics further and would welcome your suggestions as I will consider your thoughts seriously. I hope you will share honestly and I will respond the same - from my heart.

I want to thank those of you that have blogged about your service-oriented relationships as I have learned much. I've also learned from others that have corresponded with me while I subscribed to a D/s website for a few months and spoke to a few Domme's at length, trying to better understand the roles of the respective partners.

I've wrestled with how this lifestyle meshes with my core values, my faith, my masculinity, my self-identity, my children, my friends.  I've literally spent hundreds of hours pondering what it is that I have found and where it is that I perceive our relationship heading.  I can't say for certain where I will be in a year, or five years from now relationally, but I will say that so much of this life- specifically the mindset of a submissive male - is one that has many many positive qualities conducive to relational growth and stability.

I would love to hear from others and I will continue to read and support others whose views on relationships advocate this type of lifestyle.
As for me,
I'm-hers!