Monday, February 28, 2011

How it all started

I am in my 50's, and have lived all but one year thinking, living, and embracing 'vanilla' thoughts.  So how did I end up where I am, waking up in the morning, getting her shower ready, draping a towel and washcloth over the shower curtain rod, putting her deodorant on the sink counter and toothpaste on her brush all before she sets her feet to the floor and begins her day? While she's showering I make the bed, tidy the room, feed the cats, check her email, get her vitamins and meds out along with a glass of water, and hustle back upstairs ready to blow dry and comb her hair. Why did I decide to make her thoughts and needs my foremost priority? What changed that made me want to do chores for her, that caused me to want to give all of my thoughts, energy, effort, and desire to her, so much so that I now think of me second, making her  my foremost priority – and actually enjoy doing all of this?

To be perfectly honest, it happened totally by chance.  One day I was reading a story a woman wrote and posted on an adult online webpage.  In that story, she told how she came to dominate her man sexually. When I read it, it triggered quite the unexpected reaction within.  I liked it. In fact, I loved it.  That story had links to other similar ones and I spent many hours over several days reading about other women dominating men - mostly in ways I cared not to ever experience myself. The stories spoke about women controlling men, and being pleased by them sexually. The depicted men loving being treated this way and loving the sexual service they rendered at the whim of the women that controlled them. Some men were publicly humiliated, others blackmailed, others were 'found out' by their wives and others simply asked it they could submit themselves to the authority of a woman - to serve as their sub.  What was a sub?  I had never heard of that term before. What was it that excited me so much? There was something in those stories that peaked my interest and I set out to find what it was.

Being the type of person I am I hit the web running, engulfing everything I could find. I learned about professional Dominatrix's, about service-oriented submissives, about men dressing as women and doing the housework in a blouse and skirt, about men (and women) serving as slaves to their Dominant partner. I realized there were Master's and Mistresses out there and lots and lots of men desiring to be dominated by a woman - some married, some not; some being dominated via the internet and paying for the privilege of being dominated by a woman living hundreds of miles away - one they'd only seen on a webcam. There was something about this whole lifestyle that appealed to me. It was like nothing I had ever thought of before. It was so radically different from how I had lived.  It was something that I wanted to try.

I had ended a marriage of many years and was dating another woman that I had fallen love with. She too had come from a normal heterosexual relationship of many years. We were both Christians, both raised as you probably were - in a male led home. We had both married and both perpetuated that traditional lifestyle, instilling traditional family values into our own children along the way. When I met and got to know my girl, one of her attracting qualities was her openness. I could talk to her about anything and so I broached the subject about FLR after reading lots.  We talked. Surprisingly she identified somewhat with the topic of women being the head of the home. She reflected on her former marriage and how she felt in many ways she was that person - not a Dominant - but the head of her home. She shared with me how she was the one that took care of the finances, raised and instilled values into her kids, ran the home, planned the meals, interacted with other women planning social events, made decisions with respect upkeep at home, making major purchases, deciding on where they would vacation, and so much more.  No, she wasn't the one bringing home the money but she was the one making all the important decisions. She was the one in charge in so many ways.

As we talked, I could identify with her. I realized that she led the life of a dominant in so many ways. No, she wasn't being served but she was the point-person, the glue that held her marriage and family together, the one that her family came to for counsel. We had many conversations talking about female authority and during those talks she agreed that in many ways, women were better suited to lead relationships and gave good reasoning why. Eventually I approached the 'sexual' aspect of female domination and discussed the stories I had read.  We conversed mostly via email about this and it was there that I spoke more specifically about what I had read. I got the courage, wanting to know her thoughts about a woman controlling the bedroom and sent her a short email with a link to the story I had read. All I said was, "This is me. Is this you?"  She responded, "This is me."  Wow! She was into this. I couldn't believe it. And so we continued talking.  

To be honest, what enticed me about dominance and submission was the sexual domination of the woman. I wasn't into serving her outside the bedroom anymore than most men are, but I sure wanted to experience her taking charge of me in the bedroom.  I even went so far as to write and publish on-line stories about my fantasies - they were titillating and mentally drew me further into the whole D/s scene.  Finally I asked her if she would consider a relationship in which she assumed the 'head' and I the submissive role. In her quiet, unassuming manner, she agreed to do so - but only on a trial basis. Yes!!!

Not knowing how to act now, I filled my perceived role of the male, based on what I had read. I walked around the house naked most of the time, I kept my eyes lowered, I tried to do everything I could for her, and I asked if I could please her sexually throughout the day.  She let me do my thing but I could tell that she was not into this nearly the way I was and to be honest addressing her as 'Mistress' rather than by her name was really not me. But I did so because that was how I thought a sub should address his superior.  Afterall, that's what everyone wrote about. Some weeks later, I came across a fetish website and joined it.  There I cconversed with other submissives and slaves as well as Dommes.  I wrote many dominants and asked lots of questions. I wanted to learn first-hand from those that knew the ropes. Some responded. Many didn't. However, the few that answered my questions with thought helped me immensely. One in particular conversed with me for a few weeks and she was so instrumental in helping me learn the real truth about the D/s lifestyle from a service oriented perspective.  It was through her that I learned that submission wasn't just about sex but about a lifestyle of taking care of my dominant partner.

Through her, my eyes were opened still further and I began to see the magnitude of what it was I was considering - and I liked it.  I struggled with this,slowly grasping how much my life could or would change. I struggled with D/s and how it meshed with my faith but rationalized that the two were able to coincide (a topic for another time).  My partner and I discussed a deeper commitment and we gave each other rings signifying that commitment to one another as Domme and submissive.  I made promises to submit and she told me know her expectations.  I stopped calling her Mistress and stopped with all all the role-playing that just wasn't me. How nice it was to just focus on serving and not acting. I served so mostly in little ways - being the perfect gentlemen, showing lots of affection, helping her in small ways around the home, doting on her when in public, and letting her make decisions.

Enter Miss Rika. A few months later I ordered the book Uniquely Rika and read with interest her view of service oriented submission.  Most was a reiteration of the conversations I had with the dominant woman that I had been emailing but in reading Rika's book, I realized more clearly what 'service' oriented submission entailed. It wasn't that she was telling me anything new, but I think I was able to reflect on her words now with a different perspective. I wasn't hearing it all for the first time and I could now digest more than initially.  Wow! When I read about what her husband did it hit me like a bomb.  He prepared ALL of the meals. He ironed ALL of the clothes. He waited for her to leave a meeting or commitment. For me, it was these kinds of statements that blew me away.  I swallowed hard and wondered - do I want to offer to do that for her?  I couldn't. I offered to wash and dry and fold clothes. I offered to help prepare meals and clean up. But I couldn't go there fully.  Yet after a month or so of 'helping' with those chores, I decided I did indeed want to serve in that way. It took me time to adjust; to understand that it really wasn't that much more work to do it all than to do most of it.  And besides - I knew it would make her happy. So I asked, "Can I prepare all of your meals?" and "Can I iron your clothes?" She happily agreed.  And that is where I am now.

I am learning. This is still so new. It's a process but what I can tell you is this - my initial view of submission was way off base. It was 'scene-based'. It was predicated on what I had read. It was about ME, not about her.  What I've learned - and am still learning - is that it's not about me.  I still don't get that fully and at times pout when I don't get what I want.  But at least now I realize what I'm doing and can step back and see the error of my way. I'm taking steps into submission. Our relationship as a couple that is dating and not married limits my submission to some degree. I am certain that once we marry, my submission to her will deepen. As my love for her grows, my submission will deepen. It's a life I look forward to. I love where I am. I love where she is.

I hope my story helps you, if you are new to this or considering this lifestyle to realize that submission is work. It's hard. It takes discipline. But when you think about it - it's really about loving your partner unconditionally. It's about being selfless rather than selfish. It's about looking outward to her, rather than inward to you. It's about giving rather than getting. And the reward in doing all of this far outweighs the work.  To feel the love of the one you love - well, why wouldn't every man live this way if he truly says he loves her? Submission is love in action and as the good book says, it is better to give than to receive.

I welcome your thoughts and comments.
-I'm Hers-


  1. IH – I can see that we are both singing off the same hymn sheet when it comes to establishing a WLM or FLR. I am not sure there is much I can add, other than I have already talked about on my blog.

    Our big difference is that you have both been married before, and your girl friend has experienced what it is like to have a husband, and lived in a “Male Led Household”. It sounds very much as though you went through the same thought processes as me at the start, but soon found out that a Mistress/Slave approach was neither going to be appealing for your girl friend or maybe sustainable or practical. At the end of the day, if your wife or girl friend does not want or enjoy a particular aspect to having a WLM or FLR, it’s not going to be that enjoyable or likely to happen anyway.

    Having both experienced longer established vanilla relationships, and being can I say “older”, I am guessing that you have found it easier to open up and talk more openly about this subject. Also not being married, it is easier to back off from a relationship if you found that your partner was not willing to give this a go. Having said that, you are obviously both prepared to give and take, for each other mutual benefit and enjoyment, which is great.

    If I were starting out now again, or if I were single and approaching another woman, I know that I would be far more open and even direct about this whole subject. When you get to a certain age, life is for living, and why should you not be happy and fulfilled living it the way that you enjoy.

    Does your girl friend know about your blog, read it?

  2. At all times:
    Thanks for taking the time to write. You are an observant person and what you say is very true. The fact that we are older (definitely a state of mind :) and previously married has helped us in being more open and honest. We've discussed this new way of life extensively and were able to discuss thoroughly before making this relational change.
    As for this blog, yes she does know about it. In fact, I usually let her know when I have a draft ready to be posted. I want her critical input regarding the clarity of my writing as well as the content.
    Thanks again for commenting.

  3. If you havn't spotted already, your post "Thought on Dominace" is not appearing on your blog.