Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Why am I this way?

I am a middle aged man. I was once married for many years in a vanilla relationship. I had no idea other relational lifestyles even existed. It wasn't until recently - within the last year in fact - that I even knew that there were such things as Femdom marriages, Dom/sub Dynamics, female led relationships or other such 'arrangements' in which a woman assumed control of her man. How I found out about service oriented submission and what lead to me asking her to be my Dominant is a topic for another post, but have you ever wondered what makes a man 'a submissive' in the first place?  I would guess that most men have no real idea what it really means to be a part of a D/s relationship when they first begin having submissive thoughts.  I know that it wasn't until after I asked to be the submissive partner that I began pondering why it was that I am this way - why it was that I wanted to live this way.

If you ask others that know me (but don't know my relational bent) they would describe me as strong, confident, secure, educated, athletic, masculine, hard-working, and probably other adjectives that represent traditional male traits and perceptions.  I know, however, that I also have deep internal needs that are filled by submitting and I am absolutely certain that the origin of those needs can be traced to my upbringing which has significantly impacted my view of women and how I relate to them.  Here's a couple of examples to expound on this topic:

1. My mom withheld affection from her children once they reached school-age. I didn't even realize this until one day my own son asked me why grandmom doesn't hug me anymore. He was only five or six at the time but that innocent comment haunted me for years as I reflected back on my own childhood. In fact, I cannot remember my mom hugging me, holding me, or kissing me. I know she must have, but I can't remember even once, so if she did, it was only done rarely.  Yes I felt loved and I knew she loved me. My parents loved one another, they provided for me adequately, and we lived a "Happy Days" life in many ways. They brought us up with all the traditional middle-class America values teaching me the importance of family, home, country, respect, honor, etc. But my parents withheld affection to their children. We didn't hug. We weren't kissed. When we visited others, dad would shake hands but mom never hugged.  We were like the Norwegian folk in Garrison Keeler's Prairie Home Companion stories.  My parents were 'cold' emotionally and affectionately. It was just how they were. Unfortunately for me, it left me longing for a woman's touch and attention.

2. I was a good kid.  Yea I did things that weren't right, but as a kid I was pretty adept at keeping that information out of the hands of mom and dad.  There were those times when I did get caught and when I did, all you-know-what broke loose at home. What is significant here is not that I caught caught doing something wrong, but that when I did get caught and mom found out, she treated me as if I was a bad person.  Not only did I do something bad, but I was bad. I experienced rejection and the cycle was pretty much the same each and every time she disciplined me.   She confronted me, yelled and spanked me, and sent me to my room, and then there was a significant period of time when, after being punished, I was not spoken to or looked at. Basically I was rejected until her anger subsided.  Only then would I she talk to me normally. It didn't take long for me to figure out how to repair the damage and reduce the time till she was back liking me again. I knew that the way to restore my relationship with her was to be good - to please her, to be nice, to suck up to her. And I did.

3. I know that my tendency is to avoid conflict. I'm a pleaser by nature.  Therefore I tend to be a fence-mender rather than one that stirs the pot.  As I've matured over the years, my self-confidence has grown and I think I've outgrown those insecurities of my younger years, yet I know that my approach, my instincts, when dealing with conflict is to be good or nice or smile or just keep my mouth shut rather than bring up issues that produce tension. In my everyday life, I strive to please. I strive to be honest and work hard and succeed but there is that little voice deep within that spurs me on not just to do well but to please those for whom I am working.

4. Not related to my upbringing but significant to why I am who I am is my desire to get things done. I love to work. I love crossing things off of my work list. I love order. I love not having to think about what it is that I still need to do. I'd rather just get it done. I wouldn't say I am an obsessive-compulsive but I am definitely not a procrastinator. I have a hard time relaxing at home if a room or the house is a mess. I find my self wanting to straighten, clean, or do what's needed to restore order rather than live with stuff being out of place.  When it's clean and put away the room exudes a feeling of peace.  It makes me happy. It allows me to relax.

So where am I going with all this?  Here's my point: I think that my current wants and needs have been significantly impacted by my upbringing.  I am not a psychologist and do not have hard facts to validate my belief, but I think that all of us are strongly influenced by the love and care (or the lack thereof) we received by those that raised us.  For me, I believe that my mom brought me up unknowingly to submit to her authority and when I didn't I lost her approval. Sadly, I realize now that part of my relationship with her was based on her approval of me.  I know too that I long for touch and attention and understand now that those are two of my 'love languages'. Maybe that's why serving seems so natural.  Maybe that's why words of approval have such a positive impact on me.  Maybe that's why a woman's touch and attention carries so much power when it is extended affectionately or sexually.  Maybe my tendency to get things done, and to clean is a natural extension of who I am meant to be and fits so well with the service-oriented submissive role that I am in now.

As I've reflected on my life I see that I am, in many ways, perfectly suited to serve. I have no desire to be a wimp, to be sissified, to be humiliated publicly.  When I speak of serving, that word is not synonymous with 'weak'.  I am a man through and through, but I happen to be a submissive man when it comes to relating to, and caring for the woman I love and serve.  How lucky is she to have found me wanting this life :)  How much luckier am I that she has assumed the role as head of our home and accepted my desire to serve.

Does my story in any way sound like yours?  Why do you think that you have chosen to be a submissive?  Why is it that you think the man you are dominating enjoys living under your control?  When I ask 'why' I mean, like deep within, what is there inside him that produces that yearn for a woman to lead. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to comment so others can benefit from our dialog.
As for me,
I'm - hers


  1. What a thorough introduction! It's very helpful to sort of learn where a blogger is coming from like that! I hope you enjoy the experience in the blogosphere.

  2. If your partner has accpeted and enjoys taking on a dominant role in your relationship, then you are half way there. If you are communicating and find being in a service based FLR mutually satisfying, then you are indeed a lucky guy.

    From my own experience, and from what I read on the internet, there are more wives that struggle with and resist the "offer" of an FLR, than there appear to be ones that openly and fully want to embrace this lifestyle from the outset.

    I would be interested to hear more about how you "confessed" your desire to be in an FLR, how your partner reacted and how your FLR now manifests itself in your day to day life.

  3. At all times.....
    I will indeed write about how I came to 'confess' my desire. It really was by chance. I'll do so soon - maybe on my next post. Thanks for reading my post and for commenting.

  4. I'd say, this is a great start to your blog. It's obvious that you spent much thoughts already to your situation. Does my own story in any way sound like yours? Yes, indeed, it does - except the "bad person"-treatment you described. But to most of your other points I'd say that they pretty much are alike in my case. And also that you try to figure out so earnestly, what is it deep inside you, that causes you those feelings, is also very familiar to me. Yet because I didn't come to any valuable conclusions, I stopped to search for the ultimate reasons years ago. I'm nowadays much more inclined to find out what feels alright to me at all, not any longer paying that much attention *why* or where does all this has it's origins.

    You asked "what produces that yearn for a woman to lead". Well, I'd not even say that I have the yearn to be lead by a woman especially. I want to serve and please the person I'm in love with. Since I'm a heterosexual man, this happens to be a woman, my wonderful wife Tamara, but I wouldn't say that my year to submit to my loved one is really connected that much to her gender. I wrote about my thoughts concerning this here (if you are interested at all):

    And, in case you still want to know more [ of course, I don't mind if you don't want to :-) ], please feel free to have a look at our blog, e. g. at this post describing how I see myself and my role in our marriage:

    I'd like to read more about you and your way and am looking forward to further posts on your blog.