Friday, March 11, 2011

What makes her dominant

I am the submissive one, or at least that is who I am with Katie. I've been wondering ever since I read the post of Miss Lilly (I Lead Him) that spoke of her submissive husband who is a police officer. I don't think of police officers as submissive guys - but Mr. Lilly is. I wonder why?  As for me I work in post secondary education and those that work under me would say without a doubt that I run the show. But why is my love-life with Katie the polar-opposite of my life outside the home?

I'm fairly certain it has has little or nothing to do with educational level, income earning potential, athletic prowess, intellectual ability or a myriad of other factors.  At least I don't think so. So, why do we as men, so much more so than woman, seek positions of submission when our professional lives are often the opposite?

Furthermore, I think the answer to this puzzle of dominance and submission has nothing to do with superiority of the female gender and inferiority of the male.  It's quite evident that both men and women have incredible gifts and abilities. It’s not like one is better than the other across the board. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. D/s isn’t so much about who has got more brains or brawn – at least in my mind.  My view of dominance and submission is about me loving Katie – period. It’s that simple. That is why I want to be her sub. 

For me, dominance and submission is really about the two of us finding the best way we can grow and maintain a love-relationship in which we maximize our strengths and sustain our closeness, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. In that light, I believe our relationship functions best when she assumes the head and leads.  It’s not about superiority or educational level or who is making the most money. We both have strengths and weaknesses. She loves my strengths just as I love hers but I know my weakness can be one of self-seeking, of being selfish. I know that. I’ve come to realize, that by submitting to her authority and committing to serving her, I can bypass that stumbling block. I can learn what real love is all about – giving of oneself to another! It’s taken me many years to realize that focusing outwardly on her is what best allows me to love her to the best of my ability.

What we both learned as we entered into this experiment is that she is a natural leader. She is direct, focused, committed, uncompromising, goal oriented and not afraid of letting me know how I can best serve her. She loves being in charge, while I love deferring to her. We soon realized that what we do outside of the home – professionally wasn’t what worked best for us relationally. I have leadership responsibilities at work but I desire to defer to her when at home. It’s not a sign of weakness but recognition that serving will best grow our love.  Furthermore, she loves when I lavish attention as it happens to be one of her love-languages.  By adding a D/s dynamic to our relationship we can better maximize our gifts and abilities.

As I submitted, leadership on her part became natural; a natural extension of her personality. All it took was for her to know that I was hers – there to please; there at her beckon; there because that’s where I wanted to be; just waiting for her to assume control. It took some time but knowing that enabled her to lead with almost no effort. All I needed was direction. When I didn’t perform to the level she wanted she just told me how I needed to improve. There was no need to spank or stand me in a corner or do other silly antics; rather she just tells me where I need to do better, or in what ways I’m lacking and we discuss it as mature adults. She doesn’t need to treat me like I’m a child to make her point. In fact doing so would most likely work against what we both desire – mutual respect.

She’s not better than I and I’m not better than her. Rather, she is the love of my life and the object of my pleasure.  I know that I am hers – the one that she treasures more than anyone else and it is me from which she feels love, security and devotion. Why would anyone want to treat the one they love most with disrespect?

So what is it that makes a man submit? Can a man in a leadership role professionally submit just as one that isn’t? I think so, and I think it has little to do with how smart, strong or wise one is. I’m sure it’s a complex and multidimensional decision and I'm certaint that I am only looking at this superficially - but don’t service-subs submit because they want nothing more than to express love to their wives? Don’t women dominate their men because they too want to be loved by maintaining this control as well as knowing that they are secure in the man at their side that is committed to love, protect and serve them? Isn’t their domination, their acceptance of his submission, really a gift to him?  I think so. I believe any woman can be dominant if her man gives her his complete trust and devotes himself to loving and caring for her. Katie reminds me all the time, “why would I ever want to not be a Domme?” She knows what she has: my undivided love, devotion and affection. She knows I show this by serving her practically in ways that make her life easier. She knows that I have given myself to her – mind, body and soul. She knows I am committed completely to her.  I have a myriad of ways that I can now show that love – from the time I set my foot out of bed each morning until she falls asleep while I massage her beautiful body at night.  This is such an incredible dynamic and we both love where we are. I hope you do as well in the respective role that life finds you leading now with the partner you love so dearly.


  1. Yes, indeed, I'd say I agree with you in maybe every point you are making about your view on a D/s relationship.

    It's nearly the same with Tamara and me: We both too don't believe that our D/s has something to do with the superiority of one of us (and certainly not with something like an inborn superiority of one of the genders), nor with educational levels, personal "strength", leadership abilities etc., but that it all has to do with love and commitment.

    It's my personal desire to show my love and affection to her in putting her into a position (way) above my own. And, like you, instead of "my gift of submission" (as so many submissive men), we prefer to speak of "her gift of dominance", because that is nothing but the truth: *I* am the one, who has had the desire to turn our marriage into a FLR in the first place, and it continues to be a wonderful gift to me that - after many years of temporal plays - Tamara finally agreed to not only accept this lifestyle, but indeed embrace it and actively take part in it. That was (and is) the most significant gift she ever gave to me ... and I try to give my best to live up to it.

    We agreed that our FLR will be based on her terms completely. There's no nagging on my side, no try of topping from the bottom. Maybe it's easier for me than for many other submissive men, because I don't seem to have any of those urgent desires (like to be denied or put into a chastity device or being spanked etc.). All I really do crave for is to make Tamara's live easier and happier. I certainly don't want to put even more pressure on her by means of taking over also such things that belong to my own responsibility; I in no way want to be someone like a child to her, whom she has to supervise, to give tasks or orders, to "entertain" in what ever way. That would mean the exact opposite to making her life easier and happier - and I have no wish for it.

    Unlike your wife, Tamara's dominance over me is in no way "a natural extension to her personality". That's why it's more troublesome to her, and that's why I appreciate her decision to become the head of our marriage even more ... what I can offer as my "gift in return" can hardly ever compensate her gift. But I try to live up to my position and her exspectations as best I can ... and if I do a poor job or falter, it's me who feels ashamed of it the most.

    In such cases, we speak about it like the responsible, grown-up people we are. Like in your case, there's no domestic discipline, no corporal punishment, no treating me like a child. We try to communicate our feelings and views, and try to find a solution in an atmosphere of mutual respect and love.

    Like in your case, my biggest obstacle is my own ego, and every time I manage to overcome it and step back in order to let Tamara's interests prevail, there's nobody prouder and happier than myself. Accepting her as my "guiding figure" brings forth the best of me and makes me a better, more attentive, more helpfull, more caring partner. And that's exactly what I want to be for this wonderful women.


  2. I think it has to do with the innate complexities of humans. I think there are few men and women who are "fully" submissive or dominant. Most of us are a mix of both. In a FLM, the woman has embraced the role of the dominant figure, while the man has embraced the role of the submissive. My husband is dominant at work because it is expected of him and he is not submissive towards other males (and his crew consists entirely of males). But, when he comes home, I wear the pants and he washes, dries, and irons them.

  3. Great post, I can't disagree with anything that you say. Giving yourself to your wife in the way that you describle is a gift, and will influence how she reacts, how she responds knowing that, as you say, she "feels love, security and devotion". Unlike Rene above, I do seek, do need some more formal recognition from Jane that she is accpeting and encouraging my submission. I am not sure if this makes me a bad submissive or not, but it's the reason why "denial", would mean so much to me.

  4. Miss Lilly,
    Thanks for the comment. I wholeheartedly agree with your comment. Your husband, myself and a host of other submissives voluntarily submit to our wives, allowing them to 'wear the pants' at home, while we make sure they are always wished and cleaned :) I loved your comment.

    How do you get that hyphen over the 'n' in your name? Anyway, thanks for your lengthy and thoughtful post. You and I are of the sime mind and probably have similar relationships with our spouses. You commented that Tamara was not a natural domme, and to a degree, neither is Katie. She is but she enjoys me taking care of her much more so than 'ruling' me. She is quiet in her approach as the dominant one but - as I'm learning - it's not about being pushed into submission as much as it is me loving her and doing what I can to make her feel special. Thanks again for you comment and words of encouragement.

  5. Hello, I'm-Hers.

    Thank you for your nice comment. Yes, I'd too say that we are living in comparable relationships. What you write about the prevailing of willingly doing things that make her feel special instead of outright 'ruling' is certainly true (and intented) for my lady and me as well.

    In the many years since we started our first attempt to implement Femdom-elements into our relationship, our tries were more of the 'typical' type - or at least they followed more or less the patterns which most likely come to mind when thinking of a 'typical' BDSM- or D/s-couple. And they all didn't turn out right.

    It took a lot of time and unsuccessful attempts for us to let go those more stereotype approaches. Although I was saddened every time about the give-up as a whole, it wasn't very hard for me to give up those approaches, because they never felt really 'right' to neither of us. But it wasn't easy to find a way that could really work. I seemed to have given up the idea of the two of us as a D/s-couple ... for years already.

    But, when I read Ms. Rika's book about a service-oriented FLR, it was like an eye-opener to me. I could identify with the overwhelming majority of her ideas ... and after some time of thinking it over, this approach more and more seemed to be that right to me, that I could imagine that it indeed could work for both of us. Tamara read the book too, we discussed it's approach ... and some weeks later, we were confident enough to give a FLR a new try - based on the concept of me "doing what I can to make her feel special", while she is encouraging me in doing so and engaging actively in the developement.

    Our new approach has been lasting for about 8 months now and it still feels 'right'. We both have been growing confident in it and in the idea that it there's nearly no chance that it could lose it's attraction ever.


    PS: About the 'hyphen' over the 'e' ... it's an accent, indicating that the word's stress is placed onto the last syllable of my name. I don't know about American keyboards, but on German keyboards there's a special key for accents left to the backspace key. How to do accents on an American keyboard is described here:

  6. Reading the entry and comments makes me think that this is the path I'm looking for. Will try to get Rika's book, Kindle version if possible.

    I'm submissive, but only toward my wife.