Friday, April 29, 2011

Extending Her Influence

Last night Katie finally gave me the "to-do" list she said was coming.  This list is different than the one I wrote about in an earlier post. That one dealt with my duties while at her home.  This one has to do with what she expects of me while I am at my apartment - and some distance from her.

Katie told me to write down what her expectations were and as I began I thought, "this isn't so bad". But as our conversation continued I slowly realized where all this was all headed, and where my life in general is headed - a journey deeper into service-submission; one in which her life will be pretty much free from the daily duties of life and mine quite busy taking care of our home and her once we marry.

Prior to last night's discussion. I mentioned that I thought her list would be most beneficial to me if it dealt not only with chores she felt I should do but also developed those habits and attitudes she wanted to cultivate in me in preparation for our life together as a married couple. What she came up with is a good start in achieving those objectives. What I am also coming to realize is the emotional impact that her style of submission is likely to have. Underlying the overt expectations she wants me to perform is the bigger issue of focus. She wants me thinking about her - all the time and wherever I am.

For example, as we discussed the chore of cleaning up after dinner she initially said she wanted the kitchen clean before bed. I asked if that was going to be the expectation when married. Without hesitation she said 'no', but noted that her hesitation had to do with her feelings for me; that she knew there would be times when I might want to watch a ballgame or rush in and rush out to an event.  In the end, she decided that sacrificing my wants in order to meet her expectations was for a greater good as well as a good reminder that we a re indeed in a D/s love-relationship. I asked if I could call her to ask permission to clean up in lieu of doing something else. She agreed to that but said that would be the exception rather than the rule.

So, here is the list. I anticipate it will grow over time as the other one has. I'm always interested in your comments and criticisms so feel free to address anything here.
  • Each day I am to shower and shave (face and genitals), make the bed and reattach the CB6000 that I removed to shave. 
  • I am to rise early enough to get breakfast - something I tend not to do as I typically am fine just with a nice cup of coffee.  I can leave those dishes rinsed and in the sink to be washed when returning home after work.
  • I am to call her every morning while driving to work, regardless of time.
  • I am to keep the apartment clean and presentable at all times by doing the following:
    • Whenever I change I am to put all clothes on hangers, in the dresser or laundry.
    • I am to clean the kitchen immediately after dinner. This includes cleaning the counter top and stove, sweeping the floor and washing, drying and putting away all dishes.
    • On a weekly basis I am to clean the following: 
      • Bathroom (toilet, sink, shower and floor)
      • Vacuum carpets
      • Dust all furniture and any areas where dust may gather with a damp cloth
      • Clean the microwave.
    • Monthly I am to clean the refrigerator.
  • Three times a week I am to lift weights to maintain my fitness.
  • I am to go to bed as soon as she tells me regardless of what I am doing.
  • I am to read Bible passages to her and discuss them.
  • I am to get a plant and maintain it beginning this fall once my summer travel schedule comes to an end.
When comparing this list to the other one that applies when in her home, I can see where my life is headed - keeping our home clean, cooking and keeping the kitchen spotless, and tending to her personally morning, noon and night. My life, although quite new as a submissive to her dominance, is taking shape. I am now denied for longer periods of time. I am in chastity pretty much all the time now. My list of tasks is ever growing. She now has a significant hand in how I lead my life while we are apart. She is teaching me her style with respect to what, how and when I am to clean the home. She is becoming more comfortable telling me what she wants; more comfortable putting me between her legs to tend to her orally or enjoying my body sexually; she is becoming more comfortable correcting me in public when I fail to follow an expectation. She is indeed becoming a Domme- my Domme.

We have yet to delve into financial discussions, which I am certain she will have an opinion on but that is for a later time in our lives and I still have much freedom to do what needs to be done while at work and during weekends. However, I can see other duties and attitudes on the horizon but will wait for her to inform me of what they will be and when they will be instituted.  Till then, I'm so hers! - and loving every moment of my submission to her loving dominance.

I wonder what your feelings are as you compare your life to mine (or hers). Love to hear your thoughts.
Til next time,

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Recommended Books

I would like to hear from others on this topic.  What books would you recommend that articulately speak to the topics of the D/s lifestyle, FLR, WLM, femdom?  I have read Uniquely Rika and to those that have not read it, I highly recommend this book. It changed my view of submission and has been instrumental in how we lead our lives as D/s respectively.

Are there others that you think are worthy of reading?  Katie would like me to purchase "Worshiping your Wife" but I know little about it.  Sure would love to hear what others have to say and in particular if the books you suggest add more to the D/s life perspective than the Uniquely Rika text.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Ratcheting Down the Screws

For the past several months I've been in chastity about 16 hours a day. Katie has always been gracious by letting me take the 6000 off at night but informing me I am to put it on each morning. Although I have done as she has requested I have always been betwixt and between with her expectation. On one hand I was glad to have the freedom and avoid the discomfort of the early morning erections. On the other hand, remaining captive 24/7 while apart appealed to my submissive desires.  Her reasoning for the daily breaks had little to do with my issues but with maintaining skin hygiene as she felt that being contained in the plastic tube would cause skin breakdown.

Enter SH :)  Katie contacted SH after reading a post of his that had something to do with this topic. It peaked her interest so she contacted him. After getting feedback and reading a few resources that he referred her to, I am now in chastity 23.5/7. Yes, I get to unlock during showers so I can keep that body area shaved as she likes it. I am also permitted to unlock if the morning erections persist and keep me awake as she doesn't want me tired while at work, however after discussing this with her last week, she wants me to make every effort to keep it on through the erection - something I intend to do regardless of the pain involved.

Going to bed with the 6000 on is great. Being pushed further into submission is great. Losing my freedoms are ..... ehhhh  - I don't know. I miss the freedom. I miss the choice to decide but I am choosing to submit to her as the one that is the head of our household.

The primary positive of this change is her willingness to assert her power and control over me just a little more. It's what pushes my buttons, but I know it is also what develops her self esteem and confidence - and to me - that's the bottom line. I want her to be self assured as a dominant woman. I want her to exude confidence - not arrogance - but confidence and grace, and beauty and stature.  It's those traits that appeal to me so much and I hope that by submitting she will in turn grow as the dominant, superior, woman I so want her to be.  (I added that last adjective just for you SH - hehe)
Until later,

Saturday, April 23, 2011

A Good Friday Indeed

Tonight after we spent the day sleeping in and then running around doing errands we had a fantastic evening. Katie had been wanting me to fix a chicken salad meal that she loves. The first time I made it the ingredient concoction didn't sound that appealing but it tasted wonderful. (Chicken breast - marinated overnight, grapes, pineapple, manderin oranges, rice, almonds, mayo - put it all together and enjoy it cold.)

Today the weather was a bit rainy and we had heard of a group planning on singing at a local establishment. We werent sure if they were going to play given the weather but Katie decided we should check it out after dinner and we did, finding them playing in a bookstore/coffee shop. We spent an hour or so there listening to a talented group of guys singing oldies while we sipped wine.

Afterward when we got home, I asked if I could give Katie the 'cosmetic facial' I told her a few days ago I wanted to try. She approved wholeheartedly and went upstairs to change and relax while I put together the various ingredients necessary to make this happen.  Let me tell you, I've never tried this before but I had a blast doing this.  Several of you gave me some helpful tips. For all ofr you that did, thank you.  I went into this blind but the result was a complete success.  Katie relaxed on the bed with her head at the foot-end of the bed. I draped her with a sheet, wrapped her head in a towel and proceeded with notes in hand. Cleansing, exfoliating, masking and moisturizing - the whole process took well over an hour and for each step I used only natural ingredients.  I learned as I went but the experience was so much fun.  Applying mixtures of brown sugar and olive oil, crushed banana honey and lemon, sugar and lemon, and even a few cukes over the eys during the masking stage all went well.  Katie loved the attention and I loved catering to her. Having a basin of hot water to rinse and to drape her face, neck and chest with hot cloths between a few of the steps relaxed her even more.

I finished the evening with a body massage with me sitting cross-legged with her laying on her side facing me, hugging one knee and draping a leg over the other.  After 30 or 40 minutes she rolled over and I repeated the body massage once more on the other side.

You know what is so cool about D/s relationships? Well, I'm sure there are a lot of things but one critical one is the devotion of the sub to his Domme.  Relationships are built on a foundation of communication and this relationship style promotes purposeful interaction. Relaxing as we did while I gave her a facial and then a massage, besides being a romantic time for us a couple was also a time for us to devote ourselves emotionally and physically to the other. We were quiet and communicated by touch. We talked in the dark room with music playing softly in he background. In all, we related as lovers as well as a submissive man graciously giving to his dominant partner.  The night was wonderful. Tomorrow brings another day where I can once agian see if I can bring out that beautiful smile of hers once more and have her tell me how much she loves me.  Yes, today was indeed a good Friday. 
Life is good.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

cosmetic facial treatment

Ladies, and/or submissives,
I am going to be spending almost a week with Katie over the Easter holiday. While there I would love to give her a facial as a gift. However, I have never given one. In fact, I've never seen one given.  Furthermore, I would like to give her a facial that incorporates natural ingredients into the cleansing, exfoliating, mask and moisturizing.

I come to you all with hands open and arms extended - begging, pleading, hoping, - well maybe not stooping that low - but hoping others will post their tried and true suggestions as to what and how I should do this.  I've also looked into aromatherapy as an adjunct as I want to make this a really cool experience and one that she wants me to do again.

Please post thoughts - I have lots of viewers but few commenters.  There is a lot of knowledge out there and on this one, I could use some helpful hints.
Until later,

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Daily Doings

I read another blog and it got me thinking about what it is that I do for my dominant partner on a day to day basis. Below is my list. It is an ever evolving one in which tasks are added and/or deleted depending on whether or not Katie wishes me to continue with the task to which I have agreed.  Most of the list consists of tasks that I came to her asking if I could do.  A few are items are ones she has requested.  I wonder if your day is similar to mine or if it is drastically different.  Granted, we have no children to care for so it is just she and I and that impacts us far differently than it would a D/s couple with children in the home.

I have come to love doing each and every item on here and miss doing these tasks when we are apart for periods of time. Note: I intentionally didn't use the word chore as I don't look at what I do for her in that 'negative' sense of the word. Viewing my daily tasks in this way took some  but as I thought about why I was doing these and how I was helping her my attitude changed. Rather than thinking of how much more I am doing than she, which was my old vanilla way of looking at life, I came to view these as how much I was showing Katie love and affection by making her life more pleasant.  Here's the list and as always, I would love your feedback and suggestions.

Morning tasks:
a. Get shower ready
b. Get a washcloth and towel out - hang over shower rail - note: I always shower after her and always use her towel so as to not dirty another - and it's a nice act of submission that I enjoy doing - more for me than her but she enjoys knowing I do this of my own accord.
c. Get out clean panties
d. Make the bed while she's in shower
e. Put toothpaste on her toothbrush - and reapply toothpaste anytime I see the toothbrush is without it
f. Get out deodorant
g. Dry/brush your hair - I am to be there when she gets out, ready to assist her if she wants me to do this.
h. Get out makeup
i. Feed the cats
j. Get her meds/vitamins ready with glass of water
k. Check her email highlight emails to to be deleted.

Evening tasks:
a. Sit near her always
b. Read when requested
c. Offer to get her wine or snacks
d. Give her the remote.
e. Glass of water on nightstand
f. Turn down the sheets/ Turn on the electric blanket (in winter)
g. Put nightie on bed
h. Put toothpaste on her toothbrush
i. Offer to give a massage

Tasks throughout the day:
a. Clean the cat litter daily
b. Take out the trash and return the trash bins to the garage
c. Put her clothes in the hamper or fold and put clean ones away
d. Open doors
e. Show public affection
f. Wait for her to decide when it is time for us to leave company and thank our guests for their hospitality.
g. Offer to drive but always ask if you prefer to drive.
h. Help you with your coat and hang it up when we are home or take it from you when we are out socializing.
i. Greet her at the door whenever she returns from being away with a hug, kiss
j. Seat her before I am seated when out
k. Prepare every meal and set the table
l. Clean the kitchen after every meal.
m. Do the wash and put clothes in the dryer – fold when dry.

General acts of submission
a. Shave genitals daily (cock, balls, ass, face)
b. Call her each morning while driving to work
c. Call/text to remind her of an appointment you wish me to remember
d. Ask her nightly if I may take off the 6000*
e. Ask her nightly what she expects regarding me wearing the 6000 the following day*
f.  Inform her of my schedule each morning so she knows what my responsibilities are
g. Inform her immediately should anything in schedule change
h. While not working I will adjust my schedule to get tasks done while she is busy so that I am free to converse with her should she wish to do so.
i. Always thank her for talking with me on the phone and tell her how much I love her and that I am hers before saying goodbye/goodnight

* with regard to the wearing of the CB6000 Katie is considering locking me up more continuously. Her concern is the health of my skin while remaining in chastity so options d and e may change over the next few weeks. Just an example of how my expectations are at the mercy of her desire.

Are there others you would suggest I add to this list?

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Conquerer, yet Conquered

What drives you as a man?  What brings out the best in you?  What is it that pushes you to be the best you can be, regardless of what it is you are doing?  For me, it's the desire to succeed.  It's not being satisfied with where I am at the present.

As a kid, my love was with sports. There were three seasons to my life - basketball, baseball and football. In the way of those three things were school, chores, scouts, church, etc.  My first love of course was play. Play varied depending on the weather but generally speaking when I could compete with my friends by playing a game that's what I preferred.

In high school those sandlot games faded but competitive sports became my niche.  I competed in three sports all four years of high school. It was what I loved doing.  Yes I wanted to do well in my studies but school came easy and generally I never studied - maybe in study hall prior to a class, maybe while walking down the hall to that class and rarely at home when I did homework or prepped for a big test the following day. The majority of my mental and physical energies were devoted to sports and it was there that I focused my attention and effort.

In college, the emphasis turned toward school. I actually got serious about it because the academic institution I attended was difficult and I had to work.  I worked harder than ever before academically. Yet sports were my outlet and although I now limited what I did to one , it was an obsession of mine while I was in-season.  I competed in an individual sport and did not take losing lightly.  If I was beaten by a better opponent that was one thing, but I was never satisfied with giving anything but my best effort - it was just unacceptable.

I didn't date much until college but when I found a girl that I was interested in, I pursued her, and usually 'got' her.  Why? In part, I think it was thechallenge. She became the challenge. I wanted her to like me and so I did what I needed to in order to obtain her affection.

After school I entered the workforce.  I got a lucky break and got a fantastic opportunity to work at a college.  I even got to teach - having been at the right place at the right time, knowing the right people.  Those first few years were hard.  I would teach some classes and come away feeling great, while I was disappointed in others.  I worked and reworked my notes and the approaches I used to get the information across in ways that students both enjoyed and would understand that which I was important. Now, thirty years later, I am still changing approaches and making tweeks in the way I teach. Why? Because there are always better ways of doing things and because my way doesn't always mesh well with whom it is I am teaching.  It's me that must adapt not them. 

Why do I say all this?  Because I thrive on challenges.  That is what brings out the best in me.  In some ways I think I'd make the perfect Dom. I think I could have a blast making a submissive woman serve me. I could constantly surprise her; constantly keep her on her toes, constantly thinking of me and how she needs to make me happy and make my life enjoyable.  But I'm not. I'm the polar-opposite. I'm the submissive. Yet as a submissive I thrive. Why? Because it brings out the best in me. It's a challenge. It's a task worth conquering. Yet I don't think I will every reach this summit.  I'll reach the false summits but not the true one. I don't think I will ever completely satisfy her without periodically failing because she is not static and I'm not perfect. She's dynamic. She's ever changing. And like sports or like academics, one can never give their best effort every time. It just doesn't happen. Even the best do lest than perfect sometimes. But the best learn from their mistakes and rise to the next challenge.  The submissive life is exactly like sport competition, exactly like teaching, exactly like being educated. The opponent, the pupil, the subject matter constantly changes and there are always new challenges. It's those challenges that drive me as a submissive male to please Katie. Isn't that the best?

Who would have thought that the driven, never satisfied guy I am that loves to win, loves to be admired, loves to be 'better', is the same guy that loves, more than all, to be dominated, to be controlled, to be second, to be less important, to stand behind, to defer to her.  Yet it is what it is, and I can say truthfully that the two mesh so well.  Katie is my challenge. She is my opponent, (so to speak). She is also my 'boss' and I love making my boss happy. Why? Because I'm a pleaser. I'm a competitor. I'm not one who enjoys doing things just ok. And the rewards for pleasing my boss are beyond compare. Delicious in fact.  Can you identify with me?  Are you the same way or different?  Love to hear your perspective on this.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Digging my own grave

If you haven't followed my blog you may not know that Katie and I are still living apart. We see each other often - sometimes almost weekly but there are still periods were we are a part for 10-15 days at time.  Whenever I post, she checks my blog posting to be certain she approves and whenever I comment on other blogs I send her a copy of what it is that was posted along with my specific response.  That way, she keeps abreast of my webbrowsing and what it is that I am writing others.  I enjoy the fact that she is both interested in what I write as well as keeping a watchful eye on my every move.

The other day I commented to a blogger-couple that live similar to us - apart.I noted that the Dominant woman could still assert her control on her submissive even though she is not with him 24/7. I stated the following:

"Distance aside, you can still make him develop good habits even while apart. For example, you could have him do the dishes within a specific period of time after he eats his meals, you could have him vacuum on specific days, clean the bathroom when you tell him to, make the bed and straighten the room - even if no one uses it but him. I think that there are many things you could institute as the underlying premise of the submissive is service and that requires both discipline and a regiment to do those daily chores that are apart of ones' life. What will you want him doing once your married? Can't he begin the process now?"

After I sent the post, I blocked and copied the blog and my response and sent it off to Katie.  She liked it and now has told me she will be developing a list of items I am to do.  "Ugh!!"  "Yes!!!" Those were my responses, almost symultaneously.  I both love her control and yet know that she is taking more 'freedoms' - the freedom of 'my' time - away from me.  Yet I know that what I said to the blogger is true - that the submissive life is one of discipline and thinking of one's Domme ahead of oneself.

What I enjoy in being apart is also what I hate. I love my freedom yet hate that I cant be there to tend to Katie.  I love being able to actually hold the remote and watch what I want on TV yet hate the fact that she isn't there to take it away as that was one of the things I've promised her I would no longer do (control the TV).  I enjoy eating what I want, yet miss her telling me what she wants me to fix. I love shopping where I want but so miss her company or her telling me what to buy.

It's an interesting dynamic within and one that I am still coming to grips with.  Yet I can't wait to be a full-time submissive. I can't wait for her to develop into the dominant woman that I see glimpses of that totally turn me on. She will say things that make me ache inside and those words will have nothing to do with 'sex'. (For example, I just got a text that read: "I love MY sub!) Its how she says things. It's the confidence in knowing I am hers and she is in control of me that is the turn-on.  It's the reminders of whose in charge. Its knowing that I am her 'property' and that I have no freedoms, no rights, no choices, unless she grants them. It's knowing that she may change her mind at any moment and I will adapt to her will, her schedule, her likes.  That dependence is incredibly sexy and one I crave.

In the meantime I wait, and now I wait for the 'list' to arrive in my inbox at some point telling me what and when I am to do the things that I now control.  I wonder how restrictive or regimented that list will be. Ugh!!  Yes!!
Until then,

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

She's not a tame lion :)

I am a sub to the woman I love. I want her to lead. I want to obey. I want her to tell me what to do. I want her to keep me locked. I want to serve her. I want to please her. I want her to feel free to be firm and show that assertive, dominant side. I want to see that side of her often. I want to know she expects. I want to know she is critiquing my efforts as to how well I am meeting the standards she has set. I want to be made to attend to her sexually. I want, I want, I want.

For one that says he has given up control there are a lot of 'wants' in the sentences above.  But as a submissive, the truth is, what I want and what I get may be two totally different things. When I reflect back to where we started, our D/s was based initially on what I would now call play time - specifically sexual play time.  I acted the part of a submissive based upon what I had read on the web and tried to make Katie into the Domme based on those same perceptions.  Over time we realized that play was just that - play - and that if we really wanted to do this right, I needed to drastically change my view of what it meant to be submissive.  I did, and when I did things got so much better.  Harder but better. More to do, but better. More to think about, but better.

The submissive life is a paradox. It goes against what one would think any man would want, yet the benefits of being loved and being able to demonstrate love daily to a woman that I look UP to make it worth it all.  For me, my daily acts of submission are constant reminders that I am submitting out of love for the woman I care so deeply; they are deeds - gifts, if you will - that remind me that I am doing this (or not doing this) because she is worthy of my time, effort and respect. I ask permission, look out for her, take care of her, defer to her, attend to her all because I view her as the most precious person I will ever have the joy of loving. In a way, it is as if I am trying to get the girl I really like to pay attention to me. As a result I do all of these 'things' and act in this 'way' day after day, month after month, in the hope that she actually will pay attention - even smile and acknowledge that she is pleased with my efforts and will tolerate me at least a little longer. It's what most all men do while they court and sadly it's what most all men stop doing once the prize has been bagged and the girl is theirs.  It is that attitude - that she has been bagged and is now mine -  that I don't want to creep into my mind ever because I know the path that attitude will lead me down - an attitude of complacency.

It is why I seek Katie's dominance.  We were talking last night and I was expressing how much I think the assertion of her control is healthy for us.  I relayed the children's story in which a character in the Chronicles of Narnia tale commented that Aslan is not a tame lion. I explained that I would hope my perception of her would be that she too is not a tame wife - that she remains unpredictable, that she is not one to take for granted, that although she is approachable and loveable she is one that reminds me to never cross her, never take her for granted, never think she isn't always in absolute control of 'us', that in any given moment she may respond in very unpredictable, 'scary' ways, reminding me that she and I are not, and never will be, on equal footing.  'That girl' is incredibly attractive.  She is so sexy. That personality is so inticing. It draws me into her web as if I've been drugged. That unpredicableness is powerful. Furthermore, she can be that way at anytime.

For me, it is a real turn on. The not-knowing, not-able-to-predict, not being able to relax, but being kept off balance is what I love.  It's like a game in some ways, yet it is filled with love, respect and admiration for one so competent and confident. It may be viewed as work on her part, but in reality it is merely her being free to be herself and feeling free to change what she wants or doesnt' want at any time. Yes she can intentionally change her mind just to play with mine (yummy!) but mostly it's that she is free to express her thoughts and feelings and do what she wants when she wants, knowing I will embrace her decisions and views wholeheartedly (and even if I disagree and express that, I will still abide by her wishes.) It's a complete win-win for her and symultaneously develops her sense of self worth as well as her ability to lead.

Personally I find that woman incredibly sexy. In fact it makes me want to submit because I see so many qualities I love that make me feel  that "I love being with this girl". That woman makes me proud. That woman causes me to slow affection publically when we are out shopping, at a restaurant, or in the company of others. That person makes me want to let her lead. That person is one I love submitting to, love deferring decisions to, love knowing that she is the head of our home - to the degree of letting others know that I am hers.

Ladies, if you are reading this and struggling with your feelings of dominance, know that men like myself that love their dominant partner crave your dominance; that when you express your loving (assertive/firm/controlling) dominance we respond like puppets on strings that you control. We feel loved and you reap so many benefits!

OK, enough writing. I know most readers, including myself, have a bit of blogger-ADHD so I'll stop and write more about this later.  Hope you enjoyed my thoughts. Have a fantastic day dominating and submitting - for all the right reasons! :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Leadership and the genders

I am a teacher, actually a professor, but I prefer being just called by my first name at work. The whole "professor-so-and-so" is just too uppity for me. Profs pee and poop and fart just like the rest of the world so how about we call them like we do everyone else? (Sorry I got on a rant there for a bit.) I've been teaching for many years.  I've also been raised with old-fashioned values and lived as a part of a 'vanilla' marriage for many years.  Since I was in my mid twenties I've taught at the college level (e.g., a looonng time :).  I teach classes that tend to be smaller in size - typically 20 or less and often smaller than ten.  I say that because I get to know my students quite well as I have most three, even four times before they graduate.

One of my frustrations over the years  has been trying to get the 'men' in my classes to assert themselves as leaders. Some do, most don't. I've had many a conversation over the past 20 years with them telling them that I expect more out of them as leaders; that they needed to step up; that they needed to not just 'go with the flow', that they needed to lead and demonstrate those leadership traits I so wanted them to show - the ones that I knew were within.  I wanted them to not be content with mediocrity with respect to leadership just as I knew they didn't want to be satisfied with anything less than their best academically. Some responded, most didn't.

Looking introspectively, I saw me in many of them.  Yes I lead because of my position of employment yet I really don't prefer to leade. Yes I lead well in the classroom. Most would say I was one of the best teachers they ever had, yet once I stepped out side that classroom door, I was a different person.  I knew that I functioned best (or at least thought I did) by being given a job to do and then being given the freedom to just get it done right.  That was where I excelled. I tend to be a perfectionist rather than one that just finishing a task and crossing it off my list.  I want it done right. However, what I don't enjoy is the thought of knowing that I need to be the one leading a group and directing/motivating others within the group.  I can do it and am quite good at doing it if I have to, but I'd much rather be a cog in the machine than the CEO if you know what I mean. Much, I  believe, has to do with my upbringing and those childhood insecurities showing trough even as an adult.

I wonder what it is with the majority of the young men in my classes that causes them to respond in a manner similar to me? They would rather let the girls direct the discussion than do so themselves. Typically it was the women that I heard delegating, not the men. In part, I think some just didn't care. As long as they got the information they needed, that was what they desired.  Participating and leading socially was not their strength or their interest and so they fell into the mold of a follower. Yet not all were that way. Some really did care but just didn't have those traits. Whether they were followers by nature or just disinterested I can't say for certain, but I can say that that pattern of letting others take charge has formative influences on them that carry over from situation to situation and slowly molds them into the people they become as adults.

An interesting question now rises that I am a professed submissive. Do I advocate male leadership now as I did prior to asking Katie to take the reigns of our relationship or do I take a position that is the polar opposite of what I once encouraged? I don't believe that all men function best under this model. To say D/s is an absolute model makes me think that one's thinking is too narrow.  Not all women want to lead and I know some very very strong willed men out there - just check out the D/s websites for verification of that. Yet I know from years of observing developing young men that most don't desire to lead, to take charge, to run the show unless they have to. Does that make them submissive or does that just make them lazy or 'uncaring'.  It''s a big question and one that's bigger than my mind wants to try to comprehend right now.

But I am wondering what it is that I should encourage in those males and females I have influence.  They watch me. They model me. They respect me. And if all they saw was 'me' in the classroom, they'd call me a Dom for sure.  If they only knew the real me!! My oh my. I don't think they'd believe that if I told them daily for a month! As for me, all I really care about is that
I'm-Hers!  Yes!!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Becoming an expert

A few weeks ago I heard the tail end of a comment referring to the time it takes to become an expert.  The radio host was referring to Malcolm Gladwel's essay in which he proposed it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in anything.

As I was driving in the car, I began thinking about that statement in relation to this relatively new (last year or so) change in my relational dynamic with Katie - that of becoming her submissive counterpart.  Wow! Will it really take me 10,000 hours - or a long, long, time - before I become the ideal submissive husband to Katie that she really desires?  Am I really that think-headed? That stubborn? That stupid? lol.  I sure hope not.

Yet I realize that whether it takes me 10,000 hours of time or only 5,000 there is much that I need to learn. There is much that needs to be ingrained. If nothing else, I need time to experience her leadership, day in-day out, year in-year out, so that my sense of what is normal is reprogrammed.  I've lived many years enjoying vanilla ice cream, if you will, and now need to learn to enjoy a new flavor - one that although may seem to have rocks embedded in the tasty cream, are really jewels, just waiting to be uncovered for me to enjoy. Those jewels are different for each of us submissives but jewels nevertheless.  Jewels like discipline, denial, cooking, cleaning, chivalry, being led, showing her off publicly and many many more.

To those of you that have been blogging for many years, know that I read your blogs with a critical mind, wanting to glean wisdom from your words. Whether I agree or disagree, I am still pondering, still thinking, still considering what you say as I know your words come from more years of service and/or leading than I have experienced.  Thank you for sharing so that I and other newbees may learn from you.