Friday, April 1, 2011

Becoming an expert

A few weeks ago I heard the tail end of a comment referring to the time it takes to become an expert.  The radio host was referring to Malcolm Gladwel's essay in which he proposed it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert in anything.

As I was driving in the car, I began thinking about that statement in relation to this relatively new (last year or so) change in my relational dynamic with Katie - that of becoming her submissive counterpart.  Wow! Will it really take me 10,000 hours - or a long, long, time - before I become the ideal submissive husband to Katie that she really desires?  Am I really that think-headed? That stubborn? That stupid? lol.  I sure hope not.

Yet I realize that whether it takes me 10,000 hours of time or only 5,000 there is much that I need to learn. There is much that needs to be ingrained. If nothing else, I need time to experience her leadership, day in-day out, year in-year out, so that my sense of what is normal is reprogrammed.  I've lived many years enjoying vanilla ice cream, if you will, and now need to learn to enjoy a new flavor - one that although may seem to have rocks embedded in the tasty cream, are really jewels, just waiting to be uncovered for me to enjoy. Those jewels are different for each of us submissives but jewels nevertheless.  Jewels like discipline, denial, cooking, cleaning, chivalry, being led, showing her off publicly and many many more.

To those of you that have been blogging for many years, know that I read your blogs with a critical mind, wanting to glean wisdom from your words. Whether I agree or disagree, I am still pondering, still thinking, still considering what you say as I know your words come from more years of service and/or leading than I have experienced.  Thank you for sharing so that I and other newbees may learn from you.


  1. Ooo - expertise is one of my favourite topics! First, don't despair! 10,000 hours is really only 5 years of full-time work. The time it takes to develop expertise is also dependent on what you're trying to be an expert in and how good other people are at it. The studies that came up with the 10,000 hour statistic used cases like violin virtuosos and chess grandmasters. For something like a relationship, the thing to become an expert in is your partner - and there's no competition there - so I think the important thing is to enjoy the process!

    I will second your thanks for the expert bloggers too. Having so many other experiences to draw on has made exploring a power dynamic in my relationship possible.

  2. Mr. IH,

    If I may, the transition takes a long time. Our society imposes an egalitarian standard. This is projected everywhere, and a lifetime of programming does not turn on a dime. Anyway, that is what I have found so far. Plus, I respectfully suggest there is no one goal, as every woman is different and therefore every WLM ends in a different location, tailored to her wants/wishes. Looking too long on external sources I found to be detrimental, as it developed a 'grass is greener' mentality which in turn put pressure on my wife she found uncomfortable. What does appear to help is extended chastity, but the concepts take a long time to grapple with, and I again suggest it be left for later while new into the transition.

    best wishes. take care


  3. Ms. Elle,
    You've peaked my interest. I hope you tell more about your love for being an expert. As one that is relatively young, I wonder what your interest is in that area. I love to learn more about people as I find that getting beyond the superficial 'hi, how are you what have you been up to' kinds of conversations and getting deeper is so much more rewarding and stimulating. I hope you feel comfi in sharing your expertise - in whatever way you can at some point.

    SH, I know there is wisdom in your words, and although Ms. Elle notes there is no competition, there is much that is different in the life of the submissive than in the traditional marital relationship. Your sentence that we don't change on a dime is what resonates with me. I think much will change with me over time as I suspect that Katie will change as she slowly assumes the role of the dominant and enjoys the fruits of my labor. I have a feeling that the submission I am under now is but a shadow of what is to come.