Tuesday, September 20, 2011

More Relationship Thoughts

Katie has several girlfriends, all of whom are in their 40's and 50's. All are single and all are dating men that claim to have an attraction for them. I am amazed to see the sadness and anxst in each of their lives with respect to the men they date and have dated. In particular I am disturbed at how they are treated by these men as well as the attitudes of the men toward these women, which in my opinion have much to offer a man. They are beautiful women indeed - inside as well as out. One woman has been dating a man for over three years. Although he repeatedly tells her 'I love you' he refuses to marry because his own teenage daughter has manipulated him into chosing her over this woman. This woman wants to be married. She wants security. I believe she fears singleness and the prospect of being alone and so she puts up with the vascilation of his committment level as he strings her along month upon month. Yes they are good friends and share a relationship that is much deeper than a friendship but why won't he commit himself to this woman? Why is it so hard for him to just take that step of faith and become hers?
Another girlfriend has dated a few men since I've known her. One was never free because of work but when he was free he chose not to drive the hour to be with the woman that he said he enjoyed. Eventually their relationship ended when she said 'no more'. Now she has been dating another that wines her and dines her and then avoids her for periods of time. At times he treats her like he wants her more than anyone else and then he vanishes and refuses to text or spend time with her when he has time to spend. She wonders if he is two-timing but cant be sure. I watch the hurt and pain in her life when he acts distant. I see the hope and joy she expresses when he reaches out yet once again as she sees the wonderful qualities in him when he makes an effort to woo her. The ebbs and flows of their relationship is not healthy. This man tells her he adores her and that she is like no other woman he has ever met, but he too will not commit. She wants him and sees so much in him that attracks her but then there is this 'other side' that makes life so confusing. She has often said she is going to let go but then he comes back and she hopes yet one more time that this time he will stay true and be the man she knows he can be.
A third girlfriend has been dating a man for awhile. They get along just fine. They enjoy one another, spend time together, relate so well as a couple and she truly adores him. They seem to be a great match but she recently learned that  he made a pack with his brother to never marry again. He verbalized that to a group of friends while at a social outing not too long ago. Now she is wondering if he is really serious in this regard and has no intention of committing himself to her with the hope of marrying. She would love him to commit so that their relationship can deepen to the point where marriage is an option.  But she is left waiting and wondering if he will just be a good friend or if he is one with potential for a shared future together.
Committment. Respect. Admiration. Love. Dependency. Where are all of these traits in men with regard to the women they say they are committed? In the case of the three couples I mentioned above, they all enjoy the women they are with. They all seem like they want to be committed. But when asked by the women to make that committment they falter. They hesitate. They back off. They are unable to do what their words and body language says they intend.
I know that as you read this you might be thinking, why don't the women just dump these guys.  That is not my point. My point focuses on the attitudes of the men, not the responses we believe would be best for each of these three women.  I look at these three and see how cheap talk is.  I am learning, as I view each of these couples from afar, just how lucky I am to have made a committment to serve a woman. Katie and I sometimes comment that if each of these men were to act submissively to the woman they are dating, so many problems would be solved.


  1. I think that when a woman asks a man for his commitment, she expresses weakness, through a lack of self esteem. Maybe these men are looking for stronger women to commit to, who won't suck the life out of them. Just my thoughts, that's the marriage I was in, and still technically am.

  2. Lucky to be in any sort of relationship, I think.

    The question is, would these ladies want a submissive man?

    I think they are misreading "being a bastard" for "being Alpha".

  3. LB and GE, Thanks for the comments. My hunch is these men fear committment - thus the pack with the third I described and the way the first is able to meh manipulated by his high school daughter. In the case of the third, she would love a more dominant man so she can rest easily - knowing he would be the one making decisions. What is so interesting is that two of the three have very strong personalities. Maybe it is that that their partners fear because they are weak themselves. I don't have an answer but watching them sure is painful at times and makes me glad that I am not where they are.