Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thoughts on Submission

I will admit that I am new to this way of life. I’ve been a sub for but a little over a year and even then I’ve been in a relationship that has been anything but one in which I have been a slave, or been forced to submit in ways that have stretched me much out of my comfort zone. No, I have not been subjected to humiliation, pain, feminization or other acts that I personally believe are unhealthy to a relationship. But yes, I have entered into a relationship that is anything but traditional. I do all meal prep and anything that has to do with the kitchen. The kitchen is mine as is the laundry room. I also am under her sexual control and am in chastity whenever she wishes me to be locked – which has become anytime I am not in her presence. I am also under her orgasm control and although it has never been prolonged, it is no longer my choice as to when I will be permitted release. I am expected to massage her nightly. I am expected to keep the home clean. I am expected to treat her like a queen. I am expected to obey. I am expected to do what I can to make her life easier, more enjoyable and to make her feel loved.  So in that way my life has changed.

What I want to pen here is something written more to those thinking about taking on this lifestyle than those involved a D/s relationship for some time. Specifically the topic here is how can a sub maintain a healthy love relationship with his Domme when there has been so much taken away from the sub’s life?

I don't think a sub that gives to his Domme will feel as if he has lost much and the reason I say that is because I believe there is a parallel between D/s and Parent/child relationships. Le'ts focus on the latter for a second. Do you remember standing up for your mom or dad as a child? Remember those comments like “my dad is better than your dad” or “my mom is smarter than your mom”.  I sure do. I loved my parents yet I had all kinds of limitations placed on my life. I had to get up and go to bed at specific times. I had chores to do, and my homework needed finishing before I could go play. I could go to certain friend’s homes but not others. I had to ask before I could do anything out of the ordinary. I had to obey Mom and Dad and a host of other adults in my life. Yet none of these restrictions made me unhappy. It was just what was expected. In fact those limits provided me with a framework to live within and gave me with security as a child. I loved my parents and loved being a kid, despite having so many expectations in my life.

Kathy addressed this same topic and posted that “submissivemen who are well trained, disciplined,and leashed are some of the happiest husbands in the community.” Don’t those words sound like the same advice one parent might give to another? Train your child. Be consistent. Don’t give in. Make them comply with your expectations. When they do something wrong discipline them but be sure that your discipline is structured to teach and not just punish. Give them limits. Allow them certain freedoms but don’t just let them run free.  All of those words we use as parents are those same words that Kathy used with respect to a content submissive – trained, disciplined, leashed.  Pretty interesting isn’t it?

The other piece of the puzzle is acceptance. A child knows nothing different as he or she was raised from birth in the environment they find themselves. Not so with a submissive. A submissive enters into a relationship typically having been in an egalitarian one initially. It is their willingness to relinquish power and status and accept, in essence, the position of a child in a peer relationship that must occur for a D/s relationship to have a chance at success. But it is the man that typically comes to the woman asking for her to become his Domme, his Mistress, and his superior.  The very fact that a man would ask his girl or wife to do so implies that they want limits put on life. It is the desire of the man to give up, to accept, and to fall under the authority, leadership and guidance of the Mistress that will assume the power to control him.

As much as this change would seem to be hardest on the man, I have found that this change has been harder for Katie to assume than for me to accept. I think it’s because of the amount of time I spend dwelling on my life as a sub is significantly more than she spends pondering how she can reinforce my submission to her benefit. This leads me to my final point. The Bible states, where your mind is, there will your heart be also. How true. Altering ones very thoughts by dwelling on the life, role, expectations, wants, desires and hopes of a sub throughout the day – every day – for many days on end, changes the mind. I know it has changed mine and I am certain that other subs would echo that same truth.

The success of a D/s love relationship depends in large measure to the attitude of the sub that must accept limitations and restrictions as well as gratefully assuming the majority (if not all) of the duties needed to both run a home and care for his dominant lover. But the Domme’s role is essential in reinforcing, maintaining, and assuming the role of the responsible one with respect to directing the relationship, making financial and relational decisions and knowing when to treat her submissive man like she would a child as opposed to treating him as her peer. In the end, it is the willingness of both parties to assume their respective responsibilities. It is the role of the woman to accept his submission and lead, while it is the role of the man to willingly give up power and become a follower and live under the loving jurisdiction of the woman he cares for so much.  If the submissive is able to do that he will not feel like he is giving up anything but in fact, feel like children do, that live with restrictions is now the norm. I can attest it is a beautiful life to live in.
I’m-Hers!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Powerful Words - necessary words

A comment by All Hers posted on Worshiping Your Wife states....
Every morning I get up shortly before my wife. I am in the kitchen preparing coffee, washing fruit, etc. when she walks in, still in her little teddy or short nightie. Immediately we hug .... Then I get down on both knees and place four kisses on her pussy saying, "today I will adore you( kiss), worship you (kiss) and obey you (kiss). I love you".(kiss) Then I get up and go back to work. She smiles and says she loves me so much. It just can't get any better than that.

I loved reading those words!  How powerful rituals are. The Bible says - where your mind is, there will your heart be also.  How true!  Focus, preoccupation, meditation, concentration on one's Domme - when done many times throughout the day for many days is a powerful method of altering ones attitude and thought processes. Done daily these actions become rituals and rituals have the effect of causing change within. I guess you could call it Behavioral Modification. All Her's is in the habit of worshiping his wife each morning. He is in the habit of submitting to her when he first sees her while preparing her breakfast. The ritual of kneeling and saying those words every morning is a constant reminder to both Domme and sub of who is in charge, what his role is and who she is relative to him.

The other day Katie and I were texting and we too came up with a 'charge' that I am to say the first thing each morning.  I asked her if she wanted me on my knees but told me that wasn't necessary.  The words I say are: "I love you Katie. I am your sub and I promise to love you, adore you and obey you today."

It takes but a few seconds to say but I feel that saying those simple words help me to remember that I am #2 and she is #1.  I'm the submissive. She's the dominant. My role is service. Her role is enjoyment of my service. Stating those words audibly while hugging her tight each morning makes the statement even more powerful as it is brought to the conscious.  Saying something takes more effort than assuming something.  Kathy asked her readers if they had the courage to say to their dominant partners "I am your slave." The spoken word reinforces submission. As subs, maybe the lesson to be taken here is that all of us in this position should get in the habit of reminding our Mistresses daily that we love them and we are here to serve them. The very thought arouses me as I write.

I wonder if you too have similar verses, words or charges that you say to your Mistress? I hope so.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

What we've decided to work on

Katie and I have been engaged in conversation about how we can develop our D/s relationship further. I have so enjoyed reading Kathy's last few posts about training a sub as well as engaging in personal thought and reflection about where we are as a couple.  Katie's life is starting to regain normalcy as she has moved into a house that she owns after finally closing the door to her deceased parents home and having sold the home and their estate.  During the last couple of weeks she has felt more at peace, although her life is still very much in transition with getting settled and having to run a home by herself.  I do what I can but am limited to weekends and evening visits periodically during the week due to the distance between us.
 
This morning we were on the phone discussing Kathy's posts and talking about submissive training. We discussed this and how she could best train me in such a way that I can best meet the individual needs she has.  Having both come from vanilla marriages, the transition to a D/s relationship and eventual marriage has been a reprograming of each of our psyches.  Katie is by nature, one who does not like to ask others to do things for her. For example, she has resisted me asking any of her guy or girlfriends to help us move. She'd rather do it herself then impose on others. She and I have moved many heavy furniture items and although it is hard work for her, she'd rather do it than impose on anothers' time to do what she feels she can do herself. It's just who she is. She commented that she hardly ever asked her ex to help her with tasks that needed to be done around the home or with childcare because he was so preoccupied with his job. She reflected that with respect to raising her children that it was usually easier for her to do things herself rather than ask her kids several times to do a simple task. 
 
Living that way for many years has conditioned her to do rather than have things done for her. Despite my desire to submit, she still feels awkward telling me what to do at times. She'd rather ask than state.  Of course I want just the opposite. I want to be told. I want her to expect. I want her to feel that she has the 'right' to state rather than pose a "would you mind...." question.  She commented this morning that although she loves and now expects me to be responsible for all meal prep, massages, and obeying her in bed, she feels awkward telling me to clean or to take out the trash or to do other such tasks because she doesn't want to act like a bitch or make me feel like she is becoming one.
 
I read a statement Kathy posted in her "part 2" post in which she too, had to come to grips with understanding that loving her husband John meant expecting service BECAUSE it gave her opportunity to demonstrate her love for him when she did.  He had submissive needs. Expecting and demanding and telling him what she wanted and expected weren't statements meant to humiliate but rather gifts of love that met his submissive needs.  Katie too is wrestling with that same feeling.  We agreed today that she will work on 'telling' rather than 'asking' and that I am allowed to ask her to restate her question to one of declaration should she forget to do so.  It will be interesting to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks.
 
Why do I view this as important? I told her that I felt that expecting from me as her sub and getting use to expecting rather than giving me choices directly reflects  her self-worth.  To tell someone what to do or what one wants takes confidence and it implies status. It implies power and importance. Parents tell their children what to do because they have control, responsibility and status to the one under their care. Similarly, the dominant partner demonstrates those same traits when they give directives.  It is my hope that Katie develops these same qualities that I know exist within. Yes, I want her to express dominance and make me submit, but even more, I want her to become increasingly more confident in herself, her status, and her womanhood as one that is worthy of others respect and obedience when she speaks.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

She's coming back!

I wrote in a recent post expressing ways in which Katie had 'lost her dominance' by not having me do those usual things I normally do for her. Enslave meh commented "just wait a few day my friend and you will be in for a very good suprise. that is what happens with me. after every lull the awakening of dominance is so strong that i just love it." 
 
How true his comment was as she indeed has once again become that controlling woman I love so much. How lucky I am to have a woman that loves me, enjoys me, yet controlls me. At times she lets my leash out quite a bit - too far from my perspective - yet she can reel me back so quickly. It's not a game that she plays. Rather it is one in which she uses me - my body, my energy, my submission - to the degree that she needs me with regard to her own needs, wants and desires.
 
If you've been reading this blog, you know that Katie and I live some distance from one another - like 100 miles apart. I see her each weekend and often will drive down for the evening after work. Last night she told me she I was to come to her. It was the first time that she informed me that I was to come. Usually she asks if I am free; if I am tired; if I want to make the drive, etc. Yesterday I wasn't given a choice. Yesterday I was told to come after work. I loved it. Loved knowing that the drive was not a choice but a requirement. Hopefully she will tell me again, and not leave the choice to my whim or desire. She showed her dominance and I enjoyed the drive knowing that I would be able to care for her once I had arrived.
 
Sexually she asserted her self a few nights ago when she mounted me and enjoyed my body - using it to pleasure herself. Her positioning created so much sensation that I was unable to last very long. I told her I needed her to stop but she continued to ride me until I orgasmed. Immediately the thought came to mind, "please don't do this." It was a thought in reference to her mounting my face and having me consume as well as pleasure her orally. I didn't want her to move. I didn't want to taste myself. I just wanted her to lay on me and let me hold her. But that didn't happen. Instead she moved headward and I instinctively moved under her. Once she initiated her move, my instincts followed. I didnt' resist but rather submitted to what she wanted. When we make love from this position, this has become our ritual and it is becoming our ritual more and more regardless of what position we are in when I orgasm. It is one that reinforces the fact that I am her sub; one that confirms that she is indeed the dominant partner. One that reinforces the fact that there is a price to pay for the privilege to orgasm. And to be honest, as much as I detested the thought initially, I loved pleasing her once she was in position. I love pleasing her orally, enjoying the sounds and movement and feeling her passion as she climaxed several more times. In hindsight, I can't wait for the opportunity to please her yet again in this way.
 
Last evening she once again mounted me. I asked what the rule was for the evening and was informed that I was not to orgasm. We made love again with her on top. As like the time before, I do most of the work of moving. She expects me to be the active one while she enjoys the feelings of me moving within her. We shared intimately, being so close in so many ways. It was a wonderful time of sharing; one in which I lasted the entire time; one in which she brought me so close several times and then enjoyed keeping me on the edge for many minutes. I know that Katie loves knowing I am on the verge of an orgasm yet unable to climax. I know she loves being that woman that pleases me to this degree. I too love that feeling of being 'right there'. I wish that feeling would never end. It's the love/hate feeling of the sub with regard or being controlled sexually. It's a feeling that lasts so much longer than reaching a peak quickly and suddenly releasing all of that sexual tension. Denying me keeps me just a on the verge of going too far yet leaves me wanting her so badly. She allowed me to please her by penetration, orally and then again by penetrating her. She allowed my passion to be expressed. She allowed me to be the aggressor - allowing me to pursue and enjoy her. Yet she controlled the scene entirely. She initiated the sex. She laid out the rules with respect to my orgasming. She allowed me to please her orally but only after I first asked permission. She allowed me to penetrate her again but again only after asking permission and only for as long as she wanted me and, all the while knowing that I could not orgasm regardless of how long she allowed us to be one.
 
How sweet it is to have her back as my Domme, and now back demonstrating just yet one more area of contol that she's never done previously. I wonder if she will again or if this was just an aberation. Time will tell. Until then I will sit tight and wait for her order and relish in the thoughts of two wonderful evenings together.
I'm-Hers

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Demonstrating Adoration

By nature, one of the core expectations of a submissive is the demonstration of adoration toward his dominant partner. A core function of the submissive is the relinguishing of self-status and expressing a desire for the woman to be dominant, superior, in-charge, and in essence, more important than ones' self.
I spent a bit of time thinking about this during the past week or so and wrote down thoughts as they came to mind as to how I can demonstrate Katie's superiority over me by showing her adoration.  I'm sure the below list could be lenthened quite a bit more but here are some ways that I feel that I can demonstrate the fact that she is the one that owns me by expressing adoration and in the process, demonstrate to her in tangible ways that I am hers - ready and willing to please in innumerable ways.  I'd love to hear your thoughts and comments. Enjoy.
I'm-Hers!
  • Surprise her with a bouquet of flowers - purchased, picked fresh from a field or even just a single stem rose.
  • Unexpectedly surprise her at work, at home, or at some time when she knows you made a special effort just to see her - even if it is just for a few minutes.
  • Give her a body massage or sit at her feet and massage her while she relaxes, watches TV or converses with you.
  • Give her a kiss just because you know she will love you kissing her
  • Give her a kiss on the back of the head while waiting in line at a check out.
  • Tell her she looks beautiful, that you love her, or that you are hers, especially around others that could hear. A nice time to do this might be while in a department store, while at a resturant, while having a drink or while out with others.
  • Spontaneously take her out for a meal, or plan ahead and let her know that you want to take her out.
  • Ask her if you can get her a glass of wine.
  • Sit on the deck and talk by candlelight. Pull up your chair to face her and thereby let her know that you are fully devoting your attention on her. Place a leg on her chair so she can touch it if she is one that enjoys that - something I know Katie enjoys doing.
  • Sit or kneel behind her and give her a neck massage while she watches TV or comb her hair.
  • Be intentional about holding her hand, walking with your arm around her, or offering your arm for her to hold while out in public.
  • Carry her purse.
  • Push the shopping cart.
  • Apply cologne just to make your scent more attractive to her.
  • Get her towel ready prior to her showering. Wait for her to get out and wrap it around her.
  • Offer to shave and/or bathe her if that is something she would enjoy.
  • Fix her a meal in bed.
Of course, cooking, cleaning, and continuing to do house/lawn chores are all ways that adoration is expressed.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Upsetting life’s Routines – when a Domme loses her dominance

I mentioned in my previous posts about the value of routines in helping to establish efficiency and effectiveness in my own life as a submissive. In my last post I noted that our lives have been anything but routine due to job changes and moving. In that post I mentioned how we each regressed away from our submissive and dominant roles while we were each feeling the stresses associated with significant change.  I was thinking today just how Katie has changed as my dominant during the past few weeks while she has been a part of a move from one home to another.  Here are some examples:

·         Last night we were watching TV. A show was on that I know she usually doesn’t watch. She asked me about half way through, “are you interested in watching the rest of this?” Normally she’d just tell me, “let’s go to bed,” and shut the TV off.

·         Since she has moved into her new home she has got up every morning, fed the pets, and then gone back to bed.  Normally she’d tell me to feed them and remain warm and cozy under the covers while I did her bidding.

·         The other day we made love and I withdrew as I was getting too close to orgasm.  I didn’t withdraw soon enough and ejaculated on her stomach. I expected her to tell me to clean up my mess or at least feed me my ejaculate with her fingers. She did neither and told me she needed to use the bathroom where she cleaned up my mess herself.

·         During the past few weeks the number of times we’ve had sex has diminished by at least 50%.

·         Yesterday after finishing dinner, she took her dishes and utensils to the sink rather than giving them to me or leaving them for me to take care of.

·         The hallway and stairs had gotten dirty from all of our walking in and out of the house as we carried items to different rooms. While I was making dinner, she ran the vacuum rather than tell me to vacuum after dinner.

Why all the changes? Why the regressions back to vanilla ways of life?  I believe that it goes back to the thoughts I mentioned in my last post with regard to the instincts we all have of having certain needs met and not worrying about those lesser needs until the more important ones are adequately in place. The needs, as I see it are listed from most to least important:

First tier: food, shelter, clothing. She has these but the shelter part is consuming all of her time right now as she is moving and creating a new nest.

Second tier:  the desire for meaningful relationships and the need to feel loved and secure. She has these as well but she really has a need to feel loved given the stresses in her life. I can see how much she needs affirmation, how much she desires a listening ear and how important it is to have one that will empathize and give her assistance as she needs it.

Third tier: a D/s relationship. Right now she doesn’t have the energy or mental desire to engage in this as much as she normally would due to the energy she is expending on level one with her. Yet some aspects of our D/s relationship remain intact. What remains are those jobs that I do that meet tiers one and two. I find this interesting as I know that once Katie is moved in, she will become the Domme I so love. So how does she want me to submit? She wants me to obey her when she tells me to do things for her. She doesn’t do this as often yet it’s still part of who she is. She still expects me to prepare all meals and clean after. She still tells me to do the laundry. She still expects when we make love for it to be all about her. She still tells me to give her nightly massages and what has been particularly enjoyable for me in this area is that she has fallen asleep to those massages the last two nights. I loved knowing she could relax to that degree and I’m sure she felt so exhausted from long days of working that my touches allowed her to relax and eventually fall asleep knowing she was loved and that I was there to care and tend to her.

I know that this business will soon pass and life will settle and order will slowly be restored to her life.  What I’ve learned is how important it is for the submissive to support his Domme when she experiences stresses that affect their D/s relationship and put it on hold temporarily. What I’ve learned is that she still needs me to serve her in many other ways outside of the sexual aspect. And when you look at that from afar you realize that those aspects – companionship, care, devotion, support – are the foundational blocks necessary before a successful D/s relationship can be built anyway.

For the next few weeks what I hope is that she can rest in my support knowing I am there to uphold and serve her. I want more than anything for her to always know that,
I’m Hers

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Upsetting lifes' Routines

In life, nothing is really black and white but rather it is a world filled with shades of gray. I wrote my last post on the value of routines and how, at least in my life, they help me to perform more duties for my Domme by allowing me to become more efficient. This summer has been a summer where my life and Katie’s life has been anything but routine. I lost a job and had to find another. In the process I had to move some distance. Katie had been living in a home that she recently sold and is just now moving to another home close to her.
What I realized is that as much as the D/s relationship is important and is a wonderful blessing in her life as well as mine, it is definitely not essential to life. Issues such as food, shelter and clothing are primary needs that must be met first. Relationship issues, the need for friends and the desire to love and be love fall beneath those primary life needs. D/s relationship falls even further away from the primary needs and secondary needs upon which life is comprised but indeed is important to those desiring such a relationship style.
I, like many other subs am kept in chastity. I find that as I am denied my desire for Katie increases, especially with her teasing, flirting and affection. However, after I lost my job chastity became a secondary issue. I found that I lost those desires, those wants to orgasm, to paw at her, and to give her my undivided attention the way I know she loves. Rather, I became obsessed with finding work and those submissive impulses dramatically diminished even though I remained locked. Rather, I spent hours and hours filling out job applications, writing cover letters, and searching the web in the hopes of becoming employed once again. Two months later I finally found a job and my stress levels dramatically decreased. But all was not as it was just a few months prior.
I moved. I readjusted to life in a different locale. I began work with different people and life became preoccupied with learning how things were to be done ‘here’ rather than where I formerly worked. The D/s relationship was still on the back burner but started to become more of my focus as my security increased and as I fell into more familiar routines – like how to get to and from work, where to shop, where to bank, and learning the lay of the land in general. I began wanting Katie more. I wanted to feel her dominance once again. The old me returned but only after I had satisfied those basic life needs. Just as life began to settle for me, it turned upside down for Katie.
Katie is now where I was. She is in the midst of moving; moving a house filled with her belongings from one home to another. She is dealing with buyers, realtors, auctioneers, bankers, attorneys and what seems like a never ending list of things that keep finding themselves on her to-do list. She has become preoccupied with handling the stresses of moving and as a result there have been times when she, like me, when I was in crisis, has seemed a bit distant and definitely not into being a Domme that I know she can be.
Yet I fully understand why she feels as she does. She is in a mode of finding a new nest – filling one of those primary needs. She wants me, but not so much as a sub as a companion and one that she can rely on to ease her stresses. She still keeps me locked. She still knows that she’s the one that is the head of our home; she still knows that I am hers, there to please her and make her life more comfortable but she isn’t focusing on all of that right now with the intensity that she did prior to the sale of her home.
Life is filled with twists and turns and although bloggers sometimes write as if they are composing those annual Christmas letters, you know, those ‘brag sheets' that portray a family that appears perfect, with perfect kids that get straight A’s and succeed in every extracurricular event they are participating. The ones that portray a family to envy but in fact make the reader sometimes feel like they want to vomit because their life is all peachy (a bit of sarcasm showing through there), even though we all know it is probably far from it. Well, when those unexpected events happen in life, they upset routines. They refocus life back to handling those basic issues and at times put D/s relationships on hold.
For me, I am out of sync with respect to my routines right now. Katie lives in a new home. Things aren’t as they once were. I need to learn what is in each cupboard. I need to learn where she wants things put now when I do the laundry, or put away the dishes. My efficiency level is not where it needs to be. And Katie is still in ‘moving mode’. Her focus is torn away from me to some degree as a result. As a result, my role has changed. She needs my companionship. She needs my support. She needs my muscle to help her move and that has become my focus much more than doting, adoring and expecting to be teased and denied.
Those aspects of our D/s relationship will return but they will take some time to do so. Katie needs to get settled. She needs to feel secure in her new surroundings. Once that happens I am sure I will feel her dominance to greater degrees and life will once again be one in which I’ll write you one of those Christmas D/s letters recapping our year together, portraying a perfect relationship that we ‘have’ and you ‘don’t’ just to make you wish you had what we have. LOL. It will be all mushy and gooshy but then, you’ll probably do the same thing too (and I’ll gag reading what you write as well:).
Till then,
I’m-Hers

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Feeling Proud

I've been thinking about how I feel when with Katie. The word that keeps coming to mind is "proud". I wonder if other subs also have this same feeling. Here's some examples that have triggered that feeling:

1. I was standing listening to a band one summers' eve. I had my arm around her neck hugging her tightly. I felt honored and proud to be with her and loved showing public affection knowing others were watching.

2. One evening Katie hosted a party for about ten friends. At one point I started to sit in a chair not near her and she said for all to hear "don't you dare even think about sitting there!" I stopped instantly just as I was about to recline and suddenly stood. I apologized in front of all and moved to sit at her side where I should have sat in the first place. She pushed my submissive button, and although others didn't know how we relate, they definitely reacted in surprise - just as I did. Nevertheless, I was so proud to be next to her the entire night and in hindsight what she did made me proud that others knew that I was hers.

3 A month or so later Katie hosted another dinner event on a hot, hot evening this past summer. We stayed inside enjoying the company of one another. As the party wound down I began the process of cleaning up the mess while Katie talked with two men nearby. I was about finished with the dishes and cleaning of the counter when one of the men said to me, "you are going to make a woman a fine housewife someday". I smiled, not saying much but felt proud to be known as Katie's sub - the one that other's noticed I did her dishes.

4. At a wedding reception, I had a bit too much to drink and doted on Katie. She looked beautiful and as we talked with three of her single girlfriends I let them know through my actions that I was her man. I felt proud to touch her, embrace her, and keep her close beside me while interacting with them. One asked if I had any bachelor friends. The question implying they liked the way I treated Katie which made me smile.

Being her submissive in so many ways brings out those feelings of appreciation, gratitude, and a general sense of pleasure as being known as 'hers'.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Routines

In her book Uniquely Rika, Rika makes the following comment, “Since the goal of both partners is to simplify the dominant’s life by offloading complexities to the sub he should aim to standardize and organize his tasks to enable him to take on more and more responsibilities. I have found that turning tasks into routines is a very effective way to streamline my partner’s responsibilities and free up more time for unique services.”

I don’t know about you but I am a creature of habit.  When I first agreed to structure my submission in line with the role of a service sub that Rika advocates I gave Katie a list of chores I wanted to do to make her life more enjoyable. At first this list of tasks took much of my time but as I learned to become more systematic in structuring my time, as I become better organized, as I learned little tricks that allowed me to complete them faster and more efficiently that list became quite manageable. I realized that ‘this wasn’t so bad after all’ and found myself asking if I could add this chore, or that task, or if she would enjoy me doing this or that for her. My list grew yet the amount of time needed to complete this ever expanding list remained manageable. Yet I worked more; she less. As I worked harder, she enjoyed more free time and we both loved it.

I’m a bit of a list person; a creature of habit and a perfectionist.  My hunch is that you too are a creature of habit. Rika called those habits routines; I always thought them as rituals.  I work best when my life routines remain consistent.  I am able to serve her best when I have mastered these routines.  For example, when I first agreed to take on all kitchen duties it took me such a long time to prepare, serve and clean. I needed to learn what foods she liked. I had to learn how to time foods so all were ready to serve at the same time. There was a learning curve as to how to clean up most efficiently. I learned how to consolidate my messes; I figured out that I could wash dishes while still preparing other parts of the meal, I learned how to plan ahead so foods could be prepared more efficiently when the time came to start making dinner. What initially took me well over an hour could now be completed in much less time and with less effort.  At times I can cook and fold laundry or complete another task on my ‘mental’ list which helps me save time and consolidate the time it takes to complete my daily chores.

Another benefit for Katie is that as these tasks became routine, they also changed my mentality. I have become more one with her. What was once so different became the norm.  The initial feelings of thinking I was so different than the ‘me’ before entering into a D/s relationship slowly vanished and life just took on a new norm.  I don’t think of myself so much as a sub but rather as a man who has responsibilities to Katie that are simply an extension of my relationship with her.  Although I know I am her sub I don’t feel so odd or different from other men that are with a woman in a vanilla relationship. I now think only that my role is to serve Katie in the ways we’ve agreed.  The rituals, the routines of doing the same chores over and over; the fact that I am expected to please her, love her, adore her, care for her is not so different now because of the constant reinforcement of doing all of those things that Katie loves me doing every day for many days and weeks on end..

Here’s a case in point: With regard to our sexual relationship I agreed to let her set the rules in the bedroom. That meant that my focus sexually would now be on her. As a part of that I agreed to abide by her rules with respect to pleasing her and letting her control my orgasm cycle. Approaching intimacy in that way was so different. Sex had always been about getting rather than giving. Being sexually intimate as her sub presented new challenges, one of which was controlling my own urges and that was initially quite difficult. I couldn’t last as long because my sexual habit or routine was to enjoy sex as a means to orgasm. All that had to change and it did. As I made pleasing her my focus, and as I realized (and learned) that this was not about me but about her, my stamina increased as did her pleasure. What happened internally was a reprogramming of my mind to enjoying these times of intimacy as chances to please her (while still receiving just as much if not more pleasure while still being denied). Katie insisted that sex was to be about pleasing her and as I came to understand and embrace this I changed. I became a better lover. She taught me how to give. She taught me how to last longer and I learned how to enjoy her even more.

It’s a wonderful change. I serve. She receives. She enjoys increased freedom. I enjoy more opportunities to give. It is the way of a D/s relationship and it works beautifully when both are content in their roles. If you’ve never tried this, take that step of faith. Try it for a month or two. You will be amazed at how it will change you for the better.