Tuesday, October 4, 2011
In her book Uniquely Rika, Rika makes the following comment, “Since the goal of both partners is to simplify the dominant’s life by offloading complexities to the sub he should aim to standardize and organize his tasks to enable him to take on more and more responsibilities. I have found that turning tasks into routines is a very effective way to streamline my partner’s responsibilities and free up more time for unique services.”
I don’t know about you but I am a creature of habit. When I first agreed to structure my submission in line with the role of a service sub that Rika advocates I gave Katie a list of chores I wanted to do to make her life more enjoyable. At first this list of tasks took much of my time but as I learned to become more systematic in structuring my time, as I become better organized, as I learned little tricks that allowed me to complete them faster and more efficiently that list became quite manageable. I realized that ‘this wasn’t so bad after all’ and found myself asking if I could add this chore, or that task, or if she would enjoy me doing this or that for her. My list grew yet the amount of time needed to complete this ever expanding list remained manageable. Yet I worked more; she less. As I worked harder, she enjoyed more free time and we both loved it.
I’m a bit of a list person; a creature of habit and a perfectionist. My hunch is that you too are a creature of habit. Rika called those habits routines; I always thought them as rituals. I work best when my life routines remain consistent. I am able to serve her best when I have mastered these routines. For example, when I first agreed to take on all kitchen duties it took me such a long time to prepare, serve and clean. I needed to learn what foods she liked. I had to learn how to time foods so all were ready to serve at the same time. There was a learning curve as to how to clean up most efficiently. I learned how to consolidate my messes; I figured out that I could wash dishes while still preparing other parts of the meal, I learned how to plan ahead so foods could be prepared more efficiently when the time came to start making dinner. What initially took me well over an hour could now be completed in much less time and with less effort. At times I can cook and fold laundry or complete another task on my ‘mental’ list which helps me save time and consolidate the time it takes to complete my daily chores.
Another benefit for Katie is that as these tasks became routine, they also changed my mentality. I have become more one with her. What was once so different became the norm. The initial feelings of thinking I was so different than the ‘me’ before entering into a D/s relationship slowly vanished and life just took on a new norm. I don’t think of myself so much as a sub but rather as a man who has responsibilities to Katie that are simply an extension of my relationship with her. Although I know I am her sub I don’t feel so odd or different from other men that are with a woman in a vanilla relationship. I now think only that my role is to serve Katie in the ways we’ve agreed. The rituals, the routines of doing the same chores over and over; the fact that I am expected to please her, love her, adore her, care for her is not so different now because of the constant reinforcement of doing all of those things that Katie loves me doing every day for many days and weeks on end..
Here’s a case in point: With regard to our sexual relationship I agreed to let her set the rules in the bedroom. That meant that my focus sexually would now be on her. As a part of that I agreed to abide by her rules with respect to pleasing her and letting her control my orgasm cycle. Approaching intimacy in that way was so different. Sex had always been about getting rather than giving. Being sexually intimate as her sub presented new challenges, one of which was controlling my own urges and that was initially quite difficult. I couldn’t last as long because my sexual habit or routine was to enjoy sex as a means to orgasm. All that had to change and it did. As I made pleasing her my focus, and as I realized (and learned) that this was not about me but about her, my stamina increased as did her pleasure. What happened internally was a reprogramming of my mind to enjoying these times of intimacy as chances to please her (while still receiving just as much if not more pleasure while still being denied). Katie insisted that sex was to be about pleasing her and as I came to understand and embrace this I changed. I became a better lover. She taught me how to give. She taught me how to last longer and I learned how to enjoy her even more.
It’s a wonderful change. I serve. She receives. She enjoys increased freedom. I enjoy more opportunities to give. It is the way of a D/s relationship and it works beautifully when both are content in their roles. If you’ve never tried this, take that step of faith. Try it for a month or two. You will be amazed at how it will change you for the better.