Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thoughts on Submission
I will admit that I am new to this way of life. I’ve been a sub for but a little over a year and even then I’ve been in a relationship that has been anything but one in which I have been a slave, or been forced to submit in ways that have stretched me much out of my comfort zone. No, I have not been subjected to humiliation, pain, feminization or other acts that I personally believe are unhealthy to a relationship. But yes, I have entered into a relationship that is anything but traditional. I do all meal prep and anything that has to do with the kitchen. The kitchen is mine as is the laundry room. I also am under her sexual control and am in chastity whenever she wishes me to be locked – which has become anytime I am not in her presence. I am also under her orgasm control and although it has never been prolonged, it is no longer my choice as to when I will be permitted release. I am expected to massage her nightly. I am expected to keep the home clean. I am expected to treat her like a queen. I am expected to obey. I am expected to do what I can to make her life easier, more enjoyable and to make her feel loved. So in that way my life has changed.
What I want to pen here is something written more to those thinking about taking on this lifestyle than those involved a D/s relationship for some time. Specifically the topic here is how can a sub maintain a healthy love relationship with his Domme when there has been so much taken away from the sub’s life?
I don't think a sub that gives to his Domme will feel as if he has lost much and the reason I say that is because I believe there is a parallel between D/s and Parent/child relationships. Le'ts focus on the latter for a second. Do you remember standing up for your mom or dad as a child? Remember those comments like “my dad is better than your dad” or “my mom is smarter than your mom”. I sure do. I loved my parents yet I had all kinds of limitations placed on my life. I had to get up and go to bed at specific times. I had chores to do, and my homework needed finishing before I could go play. I could go to certain friend’s homes but not others. I had to ask before I could do anything out of the ordinary. I had to obey Mom and Dad and a host of other adults in my life. Yet none of these restrictions made me unhappy. It was just what was expected. In fact those limits provided me with a framework to live within and gave me with security as a child. I loved my parents and loved being a kid, despite having so many expectations in my life.
Kathy addressed this same topic and posted that “submissivemen who are well trained, disciplined,and leashed are some of the happiest husbands in the community.” Don’t those words sound like the same advice one parent might give to another? Train your child. Be consistent. Don’t give in. Make them comply with your expectations. When they do something wrong discipline them but be sure that your discipline is structured to teach and not just punish. Give them limits. Allow them certain freedoms but don’t just let them run free. All of those words we use as parents are those same words that Kathy used with respect to a content submissive – trained, disciplined, leashed. Pretty interesting isn’t it?
The other piece of the puzzle is acceptance. A child knows nothing different as he or she was raised from birth in the environment they find themselves. Not so with a submissive. A submissive enters into a relationship typically having been in an egalitarian one initially. It is their willingness to relinquish power and status and accept, in essence, the position of a child in a peer relationship that must occur for a D/s relationship to have a chance at success. But it is the man that typically comes to the woman asking for her to become his Domme, his Mistress, and his superior. The very fact that a man would ask his girl or wife to do so implies that they want limits put on life. It is the desire of the man to give up, to accept, and to fall under the authority, leadership and guidance of the Mistress that will assume the power to control him.
As much as this change would seem to be hardest on the man, I have found that this change has been harder for Katie to assume than for me to accept. I think it’s because of the amount of time I spend dwelling on my life as a sub is significantly more than she spends pondering how she can reinforce my submission to her benefit. This leads me to my final point. The Bible states, where your mind is, there will your heart be also. How true. Altering ones very thoughts by dwelling on the life, role, expectations, wants, desires and hopes of a sub throughout the day – every day – for many days on end, changes the mind. I know it has changed mine and I am certain that other subs would echo that same truth.
The success of a D/s love relationship depends in large measure to the attitude of the sub that must accept limitations and restrictions as well as gratefully assuming the majority (if not all) of the duties needed to both run a home and care for his dominant lover. But the Domme’s role is essential in reinforcing, maintaining, and assuming the role of the responsible one with respect to directing the relationship, making financial and relational decisions and knowing when to treat her submissive man like she would a child as opposed to treating him as her peer. In the end, it is the willingness of both parties to assume their respective responsibilities. It is the role of the woman to accept his submission and lead, while it is the role of the man to willingly give up power and become a follower and live under the loving jurisdiction of the woman he cares for so much. If the submissive is able to do that he will not feel like he is giving up anything but in fact, feel like children do, that live with restrictions is now the norm. I can attest it is a beautiful life to live in.