Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Thoughts on Submission

I will admit that I am new to this way of life. I’ve been a sub for but a little over a year and even then I’ve been in a relationship that has been anything but one in which I have been a slave, or been forced to submit in ways that have stretched me much out of my comfort zone. No, I have not been subjected to humiliation, pain, feminization or other acts that I personally believe are unhealthy to a relationship. But yes, I have entered into a relationship that is anything but traditional. I do all meal prep and anything that has to do with the kitchen. The kitchen is mine as is the laundry room. I also am under her sexual control and am in chastity whenever she wishes me to be locked – which has become anytime I am not in her presence. I am also under her orgasm control and although it has never been prolonged, it is no longer my choice as to when I will be permitted release. I am expected to massage her nightly. I am expected to keep the home clean. I am expected to treat her like a queen. I am expected to obey. I am expected to do what I can to make her life easier, more enjoyable and to make her feel loved.  So in that way my life has changed.

What I want to pen here is something written more to those thinking about taking on this lifestyle than those involved a D/s relationship for some time. Specifically the topic here is how can a sub maintain a healthy love relationship with his Domme when there has been so much taken away from the sub’s life?

I don't think a sub that gives to his Domme will feel as if he has lost much and the reason I say that is because I believe there is a parallel between D/s and Parent/child relationships. Le'ts focus on the latter for a second. Do you remember standing up for your mom or dad as a child? Remember those comments like “my dad is better than your dad” or “my mom is smarter than your mom”.  I sure do. I loved my parents yet I had all kinds of limitations placed on my life. I had to get up and go to bed at specific times. I had chores to do, and my homework needed finishing before I could go play. I could go to certain friend’s homes but not others. I had to ask before I could do anything out of the ordinary. I had to obey Mom and Dad and a host of other adults in my life. Yet none of these restrictions made me unhappy. It was just what was expected. In fact those limits provided me with a framework to live within and gave me with security as a child. I loved my parents and loved being a kid, despite having so many expectations in my life.

Kathy addressed this same topic and posted that “submissivemen who are well trained, disciplined,and leashed are some of the happiest husbands in the community.” Don’t those words sound like the same advice one parent might give to another? Train your child. Be consistent. Don’t give in. Make them comply with your expectations. When they do something wrong discipline them but be sure that your discipline is structured to teach and not just punish. Give them limits. Allow them certain freedoms but don’t just let them run free.  All of those words we use as parents are those same words that Kathy used with respect to a content submissive – trained, disciplined, leashed.  Pretty interesting isn’t it?

The other piece of the puzzle is acceptance. A child knows nothing different as he or she was raised from birth in the environment they find themselves. Not so with a submissive. A submissive enters into a relationship typically having been in an egalitarian one initially. It is their willingness to relinquish power and status and accept, in essence, the position of a child in a peer relationship that must occur for a D/s relationship to have a chance at success. But it is the man that typically comes to the woman asking for her to become his Domme, his Mistress, and his superior.  The very fact that a man would ask his girl or wife to do so implies that they want limits put on life. It is the desire of the man to give up, to accept, and to fall under the authority, leadership and guidance of the Mistress that will assume the power to control him.

As much as this change would seem to be hardest on the man, I have found that this change has been harder for Katie to assume than for me to accept. I think it’s because of the amount of time I spend dwelling on my life as a sub is significantly more than she spends pondering how she can reinforce my submission to her benefit. This leads me to my final point. The Bible states, where your mind is, there will your heart be also. How true. Altering ones very thoughts by dwelling on the life, role, expectations, wants, desires and hopes of a sub throughout the day – every day – for many days on end, changes the mind. I know it has changed mine and I am certain that other subs would echo that same truth.

The success of a D/s love relationship depends in large measure to the attitude of the sub that must accept limitations and restrictions as well as gratefully assuming the majority (if not all) of the duties needed to both run a home and care for his dominant lover. But the Domme’s role is essential in reinforcing, maintaining, and assuming the role of the responsible one with respect to directing the relationship, making financial and relational decisions and knowing when to treat her submissive man like she would a child as opposed to treating him as her peer. In the end, it is the willingness of both parties to assume their respective responsibilities. It is the role of the woman to accept his submission and lead, while it is the role of the man to willingly give up power and become a follower and live under the loving jurisdiction of the woman he cares for so much.  If the submissive is able to do that he will not feel like he is giving up anything but in fact, feel like children do, that live with restrictions is now the norm. I can attest it is a beautiful life to live in.


  1. I'm-Hers. For a substantial part of my time I am subjected to severe restrictions and limitations. For 40 hours per week I have to do what I am told to do and I have only a limited say as to how I do the things I do. I have to be at a certain place at a certain time and ask if I want to do anything out of the ordinary. - Does that put me in the position of a child? I would not say so. I am still an adult. I have entered into an arrangement with my employer and I have to follow certain rules within that arrangement. But I do not lose my status as an adult, and I would not want my employer to treat my like a child.

    So why do you think that a D/s relationship resembles more the relationship between parent and child than, let's say, between employer and employee or manager and report?

    Does or should the submissive lose their rational, adult way of thinking? Do they really need to be trained like a child and not rather like an adult on a new job?

    Well, I, for one, hope that you are not right and that I do not have to treat René like a child in order to maintain a fulfilling D/s relationship (or that he will start behaving like one). - If I had wanted a child, I would have tried to get pregnant and have on. - And, I guess, for most people who want to have children, one of the most fascinating and rewarding things is to see the child grow up, to develop into an adult, to stop being a child. - And is it not normal for children NOT to be content with their limitations but rather fight against them and try to push their limits in order to grow and learn and make progress and, one day, no longer be a child?

    So, I'm not so sure whether this parent/child analogy really fits.

    BTW. Do you really leash your children in the US? 30 years ago I saw leashes on toddlers (! - I hope you do not consider submissives to be like toddlers), but even then only very rarely. The last leashed child that I saw (a couple of years ago) wore a button saying that he was autistic. He probably consistently refused to take his mom's or dad's hand.

  2. The only analogy I see is the love between parents and child and between, hopefully, between Domme and sub.
    I think both Domme and sub have to act sensibly to give each other what they need. And in my view it's all about love.

  3. Tamara,
    Your points are well taken and valid. I wasn't trying to make the parallel that a sub was to act like a child as no woman wants to baby sit a sub. I would think they would want exactly the opposite - freedom from having to worry about what their husbands were up to and that the sub would be responsible for looking after the woman he loves.

    I think your thought about an employer/employee may be a better analogy, although I don't know of many employees that 'love' their employers. I was trying to draw relationships with the often restrictive nature that a child experiences and yet they FEEL free. They don't look at asking for permission as an issue (at least not at a younger ages) and love their parents regardless. Personally I feel that same way with Katie.... I love her yet she has levied restrictions on me - yet I don't feel begrudged for those expectations and limits. Rather, like the child, I continue to love her - not as a child, but as a mature man - just like a son or daughter loves their mom and dad.

    I agree however that the analogy doesn't fit perfectly and if you consider the child as a teenager, it doesn't work at all :)

    As to the leashed question - that was Kathy's comment not mine. I was only making the parallel to her post that submissive men relish the discipline, 'leashed' (controlled), and training their Dommes give and provide.

    Thanks for commenting.

  4. Mr. IH,

    Hello. I do believe the Domm is not given a free ride, contrary to appearances. They must deal with the guilt of a partner who desires to be treated as a non-equal. Also too, the responsibility of leadership. A worker in a factory is paid less then the plant manager. Therefore they are less equal from a monetary standpoint, but the plant manager has the burden of leadership placed on them.

    Although in your situation, she is free of mundane burdens of most chores, she does have to face learning to enjoy directing the service of a sub. This may raise feelings of guilt she need overcome. Also too, the burden of leadership. She may be able to delegate a good portion of this by making it your responsibility certain aspects, such as the budget and financial planning. She still has an authority role not unlike a plant manager. Any executive will tell you that even though they do not physically work at all, they still earn their pay.



  5. Mr. SH, you bring up a great point that I never really thought about - guilt. I read your comment to Katie, and asked her if she ever had feelings of guilt when telling me to do this or that on her behalf. She informed me does at times. That make me sad. I never thought that. She expressed that she always feels appreciative for the chores and tasks I do that free her up but at times does feel guilty for making me do something she could easily do herself.

    But smiling she added, but I never feel guilty telling you to cook for me :). SH, I never thought about that and thank you for bringing this up so she and I can address this and work through this issue. Katie told me that it helps when I tell her how much I do enjoy her telling me what she wants done and that I don't take it as being put down but rather as simply something she wants me to do. Again thanks for pointing this out.
    And as an aside, I am glad that you are permitted to read and comment on my blog as I noticed I was not on your wifes' list of approved sites that you are permitted to follow. Tell her I am pleased she lets you read and add to mine.
    Enjoy your day.

  6. yes, I do look around to see if I want to switch the two I can follow. Your's was previously approved so may be put back soon. I just love Mistress Kathy's and Mr. LH is new and I wanted to show my support.