Thursday, October 20, 2011

What we've decided to work on

Katie and I have been engaged in conversation about how we can develop our D/s relationship further. I have so enjoyed reading Kathy's last few posts about training a sub as well as engaging in personal thought and reflection about where we are as a couple.  Katie's life is starting to regain normalcy as she has moved into a house that she owns after finally closing the door to her deceased parents home and having sold the home and their estate.  During the last couple of weeks she has felt more at peace, although her life is still very much in transition with getting settled and having to run a home by herself.  I do what I can but am limited to weekends and evening visits periodically during the week due to the distance between us.
This morning we were on the phone discussing Kathy's posts and talking about submissive training. We discussed this and how she could best train me in such a way that I can best meet the individual needs she has.  Having both come from vanilla marriages, the transition to a D/s relationship and eventual marriage has been a reprograming of each of our psyches.  Katie is by nature, one who does not like to ask others to do things for her. For example, she has resisted me asking any of her guy or girlfriends to help us move. She'd rather do it herself then impose on others. She and I have moved many heavy furniture items and although it is hard work for her, she'd rather do it than impose on anothers' time to do what she feels she can do herself. It's just who she is. She commented that she hardly ever asked her ex to help her with tasks that needed to be done around the home or with childcare because he was so preoccupied with his job. She reflected that with respect to raising her children that it was usually easier for her to do things herself rather than ask her kids several times to do a simple task. 
Living that way for many years has conditioned her to do rather than have things done for her. Despite my desire to submit, she still feels awkward telling me what to do at times. She'd rather ask than state.  Of course I want just the opposite. I want to be told. I want her to expect. I want her to feel that she has the 'right' to state rather than pose a "would you mind...." question.  She commented this morning that although she loves and now expects me to be responsible for all meal prep, massages, and obeying her in bed, she feels awkward telling me to clean or to take out the trash or to do other such tasks because she doesn't want to act like a bitch or make me feel like she is becoming one.
I read a statement Kathy posted in her "part 2" post in which she too, had to come to grips with understanding that loving her husband John meant expecting service BECAUSE it gave her opportunity to demonstrate her love for him when she did.  He had submissive needs. Expecting and demanding and telling him what she wanted and expected weren't statements meant to humiliate but rather gifts of love that met his submissive needs.  Katie too is wrestling with that same feeling.  We agreed today that she will work on 'telling' rather than 'asking' and that I am allowed to ask her to restate her question to one of declaration should she forget to do so.  It will be interesting to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks.
Why do I view this as important? I told her that I felt that expecting from me as her sub and getting use to expecting rather than giving me choices directly reflects  her self-worth.  To tell someone what to do or what one wants takes confidence and it implies status. It implies power and importance. Parents tell their children what to do because they have control, responsibility and status to the one under their care. Similarly, the dominant partner demonstrates those same traits when they give directives.  It is my hope that Katie develops these same qualities that I know exist within. Yes, I want her to express dominance and make me submit, but even more, I want her to become increasingly more confident in herself, her status, and her womanhood as one that is worthy of others respect and obedience when she speaks.


  1. if you want her confidence to increase the best thing to do is to ask her permission for everything. once she starts to make the decisions, no matter how small, her confidence will start to increase vey quickly. she may at times feel this step unnecessary but follow on and u will see the difference.i want my wife to dominate me completely. we are still a little away from that, but i have managed to increase her confidence by doing what i am telling u to do. once her confidence of taking decisions increases so will her dominance over u. i even ask her permission to take a leak. it will be tough for u as u aren't staying together but still ask her permission for every small thing and see the difference in her attitude in a few days.

  2. goodl luck with that 'tellin' instead of 'asking' thing. It is still a work in progress over here...


  3. Not sure I agree with enslave meh's advice: "the best thing to do is to ask her permission for everything. once she starts to make the decisions, no matter how small, her confidence will start to increase vey quickly".

    I think that might annoy many women. My wife is exceptionally busy and rather than ask her for permission for every little thing, I instead try to anticipate her wants and needs. Now, I often fall short, but I'm needy enough when I'm locked up. No need to pester her even more. Just my two cents

  4. Gentlemen, Thanks for the comments and suggestions.
    SH, I don't know if she will make its to the promised land of telling rather than suggesting but we shall see.

    As for the suggestions, I tend to lean toward the advice of LH. I read your comment EM to Katie and she thought that asking all the time would be too much of a bother to her and told me not to do that. But I do ask her many things that she just tells me her thoughts so I do what you suggest more than she realizes. I just know she also likes me being one step ahead of her with respect to planning ahead on her behalf. Thanks again for commenting.

  5. My Wife too doesn't like to give orders. So when She asks me something I consider it an order. And like LH I try to anticipate (with sometimes the wrong result).

  6. Appy,
    One of the benefits to being a sub is that when you do something that doesn't meet Her standards or you totally screw up her order, you can always use the "that's why you are the Domme and I'm the sub" card - and plead 'stupidity'. I'm not saying it will work but I sometimes use that card as an attempt to 'stay out of jail' ploy. lol