Thursday, October 20, 2011
What we've decided to work on
Katie and I have been engaged in conversation about how we can develop our D/s relationship further. I have so enjoyed reading Kathy's last few posts about training a sub as well as engaging in personal thought and reflection about where we are as a couple. Katie's life is starting to regain normalcy as she has moved into a house that she owns after finally closing the door to her deceased parents home and having sold the home and their estate. During the last couple of weeks she has felt more at peace, although her life is still very much in transition with getting settled and having to run a home by herself. I do what I can but am limited to weekends and evening visits periodically during the week due to the distance between us.
This morning we were on the phone discussing Kathy's posts and talking about submissive training. We discussed this and how she could best train me in such a way that I can best meet the individual needs she has. Having both come from vanilla marriages, the transition to a D/s relationship and eventual marriage has been a reprograming of each of our psyches. Katie is by nature, one who does not like to ask others to do things for her. For example, she has resisted me asking any of her guy or girlfriends to help us move. She'd rather do it herself then impose on others. She and I have moved many heavy furniture items and although it is hard work for her, she'd rather do it than impose on anothers' time to do what she feels she can do herself. It's just who she is. She commented that she hardly ever asked her ex to help her with tasks that needed to be done around the home or with childcare because he was so preoccupied with his job. She reflected that with respect to raising her children that it was usually easier for her to do things herself rather than ask her kids several times to do a simple task.
Living that way for many years has conditioned her to do rather than have things done for her. Despite my desire to submit, she still feels awkward telling me what to do at times. She'd rather ask than state. Of course I want just the opposite. I want to be told. I want her to expect. I want her to feel that she has the 'right' to state rather than pose a "would you mind...." question. She commented this morning that although she loves and now expects me to be responsible for all meal prep, massages, and obeying her in bed, she feels awkward telling me to clean or to take out the trash or to do other such tasks because she doesn't want to act like a bitch or make me feel like she is becoming one.
I read a statement Kathy posted in her "part 2" post in which she too, had to come to grips with understanding that loving her husband John meant expecting service BECAUSE it gave her opportunity to demonstrate her love for him when she did. He had submissive needs. Expecting and demanding and telling him what she wanted and expected weren't statements meant to humiliate but rather gifts of love that met his submissive needs. Katie too is wrestling with that same feeling. We agreed today that she will work on 'telling' rather than 'asking' and that I am allowed to ask her to restate her question to one of declaration should she forget to do so. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out over the next few weeks.