Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Do I have the Guts to Ask?

I concluded a recent post with a rhetorical question regarding long-term orgasm denial - something different from long-term chastity. Katie has no desire, at least currently, to keep me locked 24/7, and frankly, I am appreciative of that.  She does have a desire to enjoy me inside her as well as the feel of me inside the grip of her hand, and I am oh so thankful for that.  The latter - the touch, the use of me for her enjoyment, the tease of tormenting me is what I crave. To be left wanting for days at a time is something I'm just starting to experience. I like it. I hate it yet I love it, and I think I want it. But to ask to be denied for three, four, six months? That's a long time. Call me a wimp but I don't know where that road leads.

At this point, now a month into denial I wonder just how enjoyable it could be to be denied for two or three times as long as she intends to deny me this round. I know she is loving this and loving how her teasing has changed me. And it has brought about changes. The seemingly constant reminder from being erect so much more makes me want her. I am now more sensitive to her touch; more likely to twitch sooner rather than later when she does stimulate me, even for short periods of time. I know I find myself wanting to touch her, outside of the bedroom, and definitely want to cuddle with her while in bed - all the time, all night long - something I know she really loves when we sleep together. Mentally my mind is on her more. My thoughts revolve around sex more. While under lock and key, when we are apart, the subtle constraint below is a constant reminder that I belong to her. I love the feeling of being owned, of being under her power, there to serve , and generally be one whose role it is to wait and please her however I can.

There are so many positives to long-term denial that I am beginning to see.  The key for me (and I think for her as well) is the tease. If the goal of denial is just completing the time or being her toy to use in that way, I have no interest.  But to be denied and left wanting because she has taken the time to stimulate me and bring to surface the frustration of being so close yet never coming, well that is different. That type of attention is what I believe is producing all of these feelings of emotional and psychological closeness along with all of the physiological changes that make me want her so bad. If she can be that woman, and I do believe she is, well then maybe denial is where we should go. The key as I see it is that there needs to be a playfulness to all this. Katie needs to want to enjoy teasing and tormenting me. She's never really spent an inordinate amount of time teasing, to the point that she makes me beg but she is bending more that way since we've first began this journey.

 I see the value the tease and denial in building closeness. I see the value of it developing intimacy. I see the value of it in molding a man to want to cater to a woman. I see the value of it in teaching me discipline, devotion, patience and viewing her as the dominant one in our relationship. I see it as building so many virtues.  Yet I ache to orgasm. I ache for that momentary release that feels oh so good even though I've read from many who say living the life of T & D is so much better. I want the very thing I don't want and at times it messes with my head. The unknown of living a life this way is a scary thought but I wonder if I will ask for her to consider this. Do I have the guts to do so? If I do ask, do we decide on how long together or do I just leave it up to her? What if I want out of this 'game' before she's ready? I think I know what I want. I think.

Tonight I'm going to spend an evening with her. Maybe we will discuss this more openly. My hunch is that she won't make any commitments as she enjoys me orgasming as well and I wonder how she will feel not letting me do so for months at a time.  For her I guess the question will be how much does she enjoy the orgasm and pleasure associated with me coming vs. the denial and the benefits she receives by denying me and having that type of emotional control over me.
If you were in my shoes, what would you suggest I do?

Monday, November 28, 2011

'Steel' and Living Under Her Control

The Jailbird from Mature Metal arrived the day after Thanksgiving at Katie's mailbox. After opening it she let me try it on for size briefly but other than that I was to wait until Monday before she put me in it long-term.  I was itching to see how it felt after being locked for several hours in comparison to what I was use to but in typical Katie style, that was not her interest, rather she wanted me out and accessible while with her. It wasn't until I was off to work today and gone for two days that she had me lock up after showering.

My initial feelings are that it's way more comfortable than my old CB6000 for a couple of reasons. First, the retaining ring is thinner and constructed with an oval shape and just feels as if it isn't even around your genitals than the thicker plastic 6000 retaining-ring.  Second is the size of the 'tube'.  Although I'm about 7" erect, I ordered a 2" tube, following the advice of a webpage by pansy tart.  Sitting with such a small tube creates almost no tug from underneath when compared to the 3.5" 6000 tube which tended to push me up and stretch the sensitive skin at the base of the cock. The shorter tube all but eliminates this tug.   So initial impressions are good although Katie doesn't like the size of the lock that seems to jut out and is not aesthetically pleasing to her eye so I"m going to have to make some modifications with that or send it back and have a security screw installed to keep her happy. I don't particularly care for the rub of the lock against my thigh when sleeping either. The lock of the CB6000 stayed centered while the lock on the JB lays off to one side. It's a small issue but one I'd fix if I was building it. My biggest difficulty with any chastity tube is night erections. Last night I had discomfort from 5am til 8am.  I'm not sure if I was erect the entire time but it sure did feel that way. There is no way around this so it's just something I need to deal with and learn to sleep through.

A major positive aspect of the Jailbird is that Katie likes seeing me in it. I put it on right after I showered and noticed her watching me towel dry and shave while naked.  While on the road later that morning I texted her and told her the snugness of it was making me horny. She commented that the sight of it on me had the same effect on her.  Now that is good news! 

I"m wondering now if she will be taking my key away - something she's always permitted me to have so I could remove the 6000 for showering and shaving purposes or in the case of some emergency.  I have a feeling if I mention it she will have me give it to her as I've noticed lots of little things changing that leads me to believe she enjoys pushing me into positions in which I am without power and under her jurisdiction as the dominant figure in our relationship.

For example, she has been spending more time stroking me and then just stopping for no reason after she gets me really worked up.  The other night she stroked me slowly and sporadically for at least a half hour while we cuddled. She said nothing but her intent was obvious. I was about to tell her to stop as I was afraid I might orgasm when she suddenly stopped. It was as if she read my mind but seconds later I heard her breathing deepen and realized she had fallen asleep!!  Ugh! I was dying for more but couldn't even move knowing I might wake her. We must be getting old!!

Another change is with our sex life. She's more recently been enjoying my body when we make love but she has changed her routine to suddenly telling me to stop or suddenly lifting off me when mounting me and making comments like, "we need to get up" or "I need to use the bathroom".  Now I'm not saying I am not thoroughly enjoying myself but I am left feeling like getting up or using the toilet are the last things I want to do at the time. , I'm left aching for more although I know my role is service and in that regard know that I've been able to satisfy her several times while being left on the edge myself. It amazes me how easily she can push me aside psychologically, and move on with her day. What a difference it is to please a Domme, to hear the pleasure I am producing but being left wanting, knowing full well that I am not permitted to feel the same degree of pleasure that she is as her sub.

A third change is with our foreplay. She has also been allowing me to stimulate her manually to several orgasms morning and/or evening but has not permitted me to do so orally.  I know that both are pleasurable to her, but if I had my druthers, I'd much rather please her orally to satisfy my own submissive desires of being between her legs rather than hold her tightly against my body while touching her through her panties.  Touching her while cuddling tight allows us to be more intimate physically but it is not nearly as erotic (for me) as being between her legs. I am not even able to feel her wetness as she makes sure my fingers remain on the outside of her panties while stimulating her.

These are just the latest changes in how she is permitting me to serve her. I don't even know if she means it or if it's just happening by chance but the sex, both vaginal and oral have changed in ways that encourage selflessness on my part rather than selfish enjoyment. I know she loves seeing me left wanting. I can see it in her smile of satisfaction when she leaves to use the bathroom or gets up to shower. I can see the devious look in her eye at times too. That look that indicates she knows exactly what she's doing by leaving me wanting , horny and craving her body long after we leave the bedroom. She is amazingly sexy and has been leaving me aching for so much more. It's been a month now since I've orgasmed. I'm loving where I am. I almost don't want the feelings to end but don't dare tell her so - at least not yet. Funny thing is, is that since this first prolonged denial, I think about wanting to go 'without' for a much longer time.  I don't know if I have the guts to ask or if she will have the courage to just make me. I love being under her control. I love having to please without having that climactic feeling myself. I love the the ache, as much as I hate it. So many paradoxical emotions. Having her make the choice would be so erotic. I wonder if she will. I wonder if I will truly become one of the 'denied' - to serve a Real Mistress?

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Busy, Busy, Busy

Priming, taping, painting, painting again, installing countertops, tearing out a toilet and removing that lovely wax seal (yummy), dismantling and reinstalling a new sink, installing a mirror, towel holders and toilet paper holder, shopping for floor tile, purchasing moldings to update kitchen cabinets, purchasing a new interior door to install.... and working full-time all while living two-hours from Katie.  Life has been busy to say the least but today we are off with friends to tail-gate prior to a D1 college football game.

I'll write back later but leave it to say, we've been in work mode and not 'sex' mode, although all the while I'm always in service mode - which I thoroughly enjoy, especially when I see that pretty smile and get a thank you every now and then expressing her appreciation.

Enjoy what remains of your Thanksgiving holiday.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Three weeks down, Five to go. I love being 'here'

In July of last year Katie decided she wanted to try putting me into the CB6000 partly to please my curiosity but also to demonstrate more dominance and control over me and to curb my propensity to masturbate when we were apart. At first she made me wear it a day or so, then told me to stay out for a few days as she felt bad locking me up 'too much'. In the weeks that followed my time in chastity progressed to wearing the 6000 whenever I was at work but never at night as she was sympathetic to the discomfort night erections caused me.  However that concern slowly vanished as she eventually told me to wear it 24/7 except when with her. (Note: We are not yet married and I live some distance away from her so I don't see her on a daily basis). When we are together she insists I unlock so she can fondle me at her whim and also because she absolutely hates feeling the plastic against her back or beneath her leg when we are together in bed cuddling or sleeping.

So for me I have never experienced complete lock-up for more than a weeks' time. Instead my time in the tube has been typically only for a few days before being let out.  Along with her routine of locking and unlocking me has been my orgasm control.  At first, her preference was for me to orgasm every time we made love, which typically was several times a week.  That pattern became the status quo for many months before she decided to limit me to weekly orgasms - give or take a day or two.  It wasn't until I made the mistake of bringing up longer periods of denial that she decided to take me up on my idea earlier this month because she wondered how I would react to the extended period of denial. Little did I know she'd go for this since she so much enjoys being able to make me ejaculate and then reinforcing her dominance by instructing me to consume after ejaculating. 

I know that I am not alone in this locking/unlocking trend although the vast majority of blogs I've read speak of men in chastity that don’t follow my experience. Rather, they speak of a dominant woman locking them up and then leaving them locked until she is ready for him to orgasm after which she locks him once again and repeats the cycle.  I have never experienced that type of control and I do not know the feelings involved while under that form of  'abstinence' control.  Those that have indicate after about three weeks time under lock and key their psyche begins to change. They report becoming more docile, obedient, affectionate and submissive to their dominant partner.  I've never had those feelings either as I've never been limited to a monthly (or longer) release cycle.

What I've experienced is a blend of both chastity while being teased and denied for short periods. However with Katie's recent decision to extend my time to orgasm until Christmas, I am finding that prolonged tease and denial (without orgasm) has elicited both the most enjoyable as well as the most frustrating feelings I've yet encountered. These feelings are different and I think the source is the length of time since I last released. No, I don’t feel submissive, docile, or more passive. Rather I feel the opposite. I feel sexually charged. I am more horny now than ever. To have the privilege of making love with her; to be encouraged to push myself to the edge of self-control and then to remain there before being told she's had enough elicits paradoxical feelings of pleasurable intimacy as well as an agonizing desire to ejaculate - yet not ejaculate for to do so would mean the end of these 'feelings'. The frustration of wanting to comply yet wanting release increases sexual tension and causes me to remain sexually charged long after we've risen and moved on to other activities that make up ones' day. 

What I've found personally as I am now three weeks into being denied is a desire every time we lay together to be intimate.  I want her. I want her to be open to being intimate.  I ache for the time when she tells me she wants me and find myself disappointed when she tells me it's time to get up or time to go to sleep. I understand that we won't be intimate every day, yet that is what I now want.  When those times arrive the fact that I won’t be reaching orgasm becomes a mute point. What does matter is knowing she will be touching me, stroking me, using me – and all of that attention will fuel the fire that makes me want to love and lust after her all the more. Those emotions are becoming more powerful as the days since my least release lengthen. I want to be able to please her and when she allows me to do so, those feelings are quite intense. Although the emotions and closeness to her are wonderful the fact that I can please her yet once again is even better. There is nothing better than bringing her to several orgasms in the morning before rising or before cuddling and falling asleep at night – and left aching for release as well. 

What's the benefit to all of this for both of us? I find that yes, I am becoming more affectionate during the day.  Horny may be a better choice of words than affectionate but regardless I find myself wanting to touch, hug, kiss and caress her often.  Katie has been feeding my passion for her by flirting and expressing her love for me in return. A simple squeeze of my crotch now goes a long way to ensure I am going to continue with my attention to her than she could ever imagine. The power of being denied is strong. My desire for her is growing. The power she has in controlling me sexually is unmistakable. And all of this is fun for both of us.  I love being under her control and she loves knowing she can make me ache for her so easily.

I keep thinking to myself, and told her so this morning, "are really going to make me wait another five weeks?" I'm aching for her. I think the feelings are more intense because of the tease along with the denial. But I’m loving it. I’m loving the feelings. I’m loving being sexually charged. I’m loving being under her power. I can't wait for her to excite me sexually while she enjoys my body for her pleasure and experiences the orgasms she so much deserves yet continues to deny me yet again telling me "it's not Christmas yet".  I've never experienced such feelings of want throughout the day as I've felt this past week.  Yes, it's taken at least two weeks for me to feel the intensity of my abstinence. Having not been denied for this long of a time is a first. Orgasming weekly isn't didn’t make me feel this way. This is different and I love it. 

I don't believe I'd be feeling this way if I was just locked and left alone to wait. Being denied is one thing but being denied while being teased is another. For me, it's the best of both worlds. It feels wonderfully frustrating (in a good way) and I am hoping that my sexual intensity continues to grow as the days since my last orgasm mount.  If it does, I wonder if I will actually ask to be denied beyond Christmas!!  Now wouldn't that be ironic - to want yet not to want release.  I'm not ready to ask - at least not yet. But who knows, maybe she will give me the gift of release OR if she will give me the gift of continued sexual frustration that feels oh so good right now. I'm not sure what I want, but I'm starting to hope for one more than the other.

I'd love to hear you comments. Thanks for taking the time to visit and read.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Update on Chastity

After a year in and out of the CB6000 the plastic finally bit the dust.  One of the two small holes in the retaining ring through which the plastic pins insert broke leaving the ring non-functional.  I asked Katie if she wanted me to spend the $20 to replace it but she told me to wait.  I've been free now for almost three weeks but have only been permitted release once, and that only because I pushed myself too close while we were intimate last week.

Katie and I have discussed the option of moving from plastic to metal off and on for quite some time and a few days after the 6000 broke she informed me to purchase such a device, which I did later that day.  All along, her desire was to put me into a chastity cage that allowed more air and ease of cleaning than the plastic tube. She also is fond of the look of a steel cage enclosing a man's penis. The other selling point was that she wants me encased in a more compact tube that is less revealing. After reading articles from the links below I purchased a Jailbird from maturemetal with only a 2" steel tube. There are excellent articles for those interested in pursuing small steel chastity cages at these links: 1  2.

So, I've been waiting with a mixture of anticipation and apprehension for the arrival of the steel cage.  What I've noticed during the past few months when we are intimately close is a decreased desire on her part to make sure I orgasm frequently.  It's as if our love-making has really become all about me pleasing her but also ensuring that she brings me to the very edge of orgasm and then keeps me there for many minutes before telling me she's enjoyed me enough for now. Katie's told me she likes the way I act when I'm denied. I guess I'm more doting and attentive. I believe she is correct. What I do know is that when left wanting I crave her. It's like I want to touch, hug, kiss and caress her throughout the day - all the time

I jokingly told her that maybe Christmas would be a nice time for the gift of release - never expecting her to agree.  Yet she did. As it appears - at least at the time of this writing - I will be denied for another six-weeks minimum.  When asked why she wants to deny me for a time significantly longer than she's ever done, she told me she wants to see what affect seven weeks of tease and denial has on me.  I will be venturing into the unknown. I've gone this length of time without release in the past but never while in a love relationship while being teased and especially never while being constantly allowed to please her sexually.  I guess I will write more about this over the Christmas holiday.

Only 43 days till Christmas.  The countdown til the big holiday will take on a whole new meaning.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Guilty Domme?

Subservient Husband commented in my last post in reference to the adjustments that partners need to make in a D/s relationship. He stated not all of the adjustment falls on the submissive but the Domme also needs to adjust and in doing so may experience feelings of guilt. I replied to that comment indicating I had never considered that and later learned that Katie indeed has these guilty feelings periodically when she makes me do things she ordinarily wouldn't require of me in her 'still vanilla mind.'

A few thoughts came to mind regarding guilt and our D/s relationship after discussing this with Katie during the past few days as to why this may be.
Thought 1: The last verse of James Chapter 4 in the Bible states: If you know the right thing to do and don't do it, it's sin - eg. it's wrong.  Regardless of your faith or belief system the verse implies we all are born with a moral compass. We all have a conscious. We all know right from wrong.
Thought 2: The feeling of 'guilt' arises when we know we've done 'wrong' or made another do something they shouldn't have done. Wouldn't you agree?   "Guilty as charged." "He is guilty." "He didn't do it but he's guilty by association." Guilt is associated with doing the wrong or making another do something that you know they shouldn't be doing.
Thought 3: As her sub, I want her to tell me to do more, to enjoy my service, to bask in the freedom of doing less.  So why is she feeling guilty for telling me to do the very thing she says she wants to avoid; chores like meal preparation and clean-up, vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom?  After all, this is what she wants and it's I want too.
So why the feeling guilty? She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't violate her moral compass. She isn't making me do anything I don't want to do for her anyway. Does she feel guilty because she is sinning as James' notes in the New Testament? I don't think so. In fact I know it's not because of that and I'm certain its not because she is abusing her authority in some way that produces feelings of guilt. In fact she is giving me the gift of submission every time she directs/tells/commands - and she knows that.
I think the short answer to this (and to the feelings of guilt that SH's wife feels) is that Katie is still growing into her role as my dominant. There seems to be no other explanation.  It is evident in our relationship that she enjoys being the one in charge. In fact she has no problem in telling me what she expects in the areas of cooking, cleaning, and control in the bedroom (including frequency, position and denial). Yet, as mentioned a few weeks ago, she still struggles at times with telling rather than asking; directing rather than requesting. 
For decades she has lived in a home where working in a 50/50 relationship was the norm. Now it's not; at least for us. The change to that of living in a D/s relationship is still and adjustment. Because of this she's really not there with respect to her confidence. She's really not at the point where she can revel in the fact that her best friend and lover is at her beckon to care for her.  I believe she feels guilty because she still feels like she ought to be be helping me (even though she really doesn't want to) from time to time. Until she can rest in her dominance and the privileges associated with that position, those feelings of guilt will persist.  If she can move - mentally - away from the expectations of a vanilla wife and realize fully the gift of power she possesses as the dominant one, those feelings should end or so I would hope. Regardless of how she feels,