Thursday, November 3, 2011

A Guilty Domme?

Subservient Husband commented in my last post in reference to the adjustments that partners need to make in a D/s relationship. He stated not all of the adjustment falls on the submissive but the Domme also needs to adjust and in doing so may experience feelings of guilt. I replied to that comment indicating I had never considered that and later learned that Katie indeed has these guilty feelings periodically when she makes me do things she ordinarily wouldn't require of me in her 'still vanilla mind.'

A few thoughts came to mind regarding guilt and our D/s relationship after discussing this with Katie during the past few days as to why this may be.
Thought 1: The last verse of James Chapter 4 in the Bible states: If you know the right thing to do and don't do it, it's sin - eg. it's wrong.  Regardless of your faith or belief system the verse implies we all are born with a moral compass. We all have a conscious. We all know right from wrong.
Thought 2: The feeling of 'guilt' arises when we know we've done 'wrong' or made another do something they shouldn't have done. Wouldn't you agree?   "Guilty as charged." "He is guilty." "He didn't do it but he's guilty by association." Guilt is associated with doing the wrong or making another do something that you know they shouldn't be doing.
Thought 3: As her sub, I want her to tell me to do more, to enjoy my service, to bask in the freedom of doing less.  So why is she feeling guilty for telling me to do the very thing she says she wants to avoid; chores like meal preparation and clean-up, vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom?  After all, this is what she wants and it's I want too.
So why the feeling guilty? She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't violate her moral compass. She isn't making me do anything I don't want to do for her anyway. Does she feel guilty because she is sinning as James' notes in the New Testament? I don't think so. In fact I know it's not because of that and I'm certain its not because she is abusing her authority in some way that produces feelings of guilt. In fact she is giving me the gift of submission every time she directs/tells/commands - and she knows that.
I think the short answer to this (and to the feelings of guilt that SH's wife feels) is that Katie is still growing into her role as my dominant. There seems to be no other explanation.  It is evident in our relationship that she enjoys being the one in charge. In fact she has no problem in telling me what she expects in the areas of cooking, cleaning, and control in the bedroom (including frequency, position and denial). Yet, as mentioned a few weeks ago, she still struggles at times with telling rather than asking; directing rather than requesting. 
For decades she has lived in a home where working in a 50/50 relationship was the norm. Now it's not; at least for us. The change to that of living in a D/s relationship is still and adjustment. Because of this she's really not there with respect to her confidence. She's really not at the point where she can revel in the fact that her best friend and lover is at her beckon to care for her.  I believe she feels guilty because she still feels like she ought to be be helping me (even though she really doesn't want to) from time to time. Until she can rest in her dominance and the privileges associated with that position, those feelings of guilt will persist.  If she can move - mentally - away from the expectations of a vanilla wife and realize fully the gift of power she possesses as the dominant one, those feelings should end or so I would hope. Regardless of how she feels,


  1. Mr. IH,

    If I may dichotomize the post from my perspective, I do enjoy the points you raise and feel I can relate precisely.

    A submissive man “Wants” to be bossed around. This is a bit of an oxymoron as what they want is to be told to do things they don’t want to do. They want to feel like they are being treated unfairly. They want to feel as though they are being used in a menial service role. They want to feel disparity. Their wanting this is a big problem as it brings into the calculations a duality to the circumstances that is difficult to truly sort out. If I can try to simply state it, what I want is to be told to do things I do not want to do. This is never possible since as soon as I am told to do something I do not want to do, it becomes something I want to do.

    The dominant will chase their tail endlessly in this vicious cycle. Instead, it is my experience that what they should do instead is simply ignore for the most part what their submissive wants and instead order their submissive’s service to them in a fashion they enjoy. What the submissive is feeling becomes of minor importance. What matters is if the dominant is enjoying herself. The submissive’s job is to find contentment in whatever they are directed to do. The sincerity of their dominants enjoyment of their service to them is the catalyst to the submissive feeling pleasure. A dominant doing things they think the submissive will enjoy is counter productive. Instead it is the dominant that must do things that they enjoy, using their submissive to this end.

    As you point out, this is a big change. Egalitarian ideals are deeply engrained in today’s society. Right and wrong concepts are often convoluted during the transition and it can be a confusing time. After time a dominant may well feel a moral ‘right’ to conveying all manner of distress (physical, emotional, and societal) to their submissive. Authority figures do all the time. Do not teachers feel it ‘right’ to assign an ‘F’ to a failing student? Do not judges feel ‘right’ in conveying a criminal to a sentence? Authority expressions are morally right, and in a D/s relationship context, not only are they morally right since both parties agreed to live under the dynamic, but the expression of authority is encouraged.

    Take care.


  2. SH, thanks for sharing. I think you hit the nail on the head and in my own situation with Katie, she does follow paragraph two (above), meaning she really does focus on her own needs and wants but I know in her mind, she is also thinking about mine as well - not my submissive wants but how her wants impact me as a person, not a submissive. For example, she loves nightly massages but will sometimes forgo one if she feels I am too tired to tend to her for an hour. She may want to watch something on TV but if a particular ballgame is on she will forgo that and let me enjoy the game - at least for a while.

    As to her feeling authoritative - well, she loves it! :) and will tell me at times how much she likes being the boss - and that makes me smile