Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Intimacy/Denial Paradox

When I was in a former relationship it was marred by a lack of intimacy. We rarely made love – like only a few times each year.  What I experienced when she finally ‘opened the door to her heart to let me in’ was a tremendous amount of positive feelings.  I was accepted, not rejected. I felt love, not tension. When we made love it was nice and each time we did I was able to orgasm.  My point to mentioning this is how I felt during the periods between times of sex as well as during the next day. The following day I distinctly remember feeling loved, feeling close, feeling a greater level of intimacy or bondedness between the two of us. I felt like I wanted to do special things for her. I felt like she loved me more. I felt like we were close to being able to repeat what just happened the previous night again tonight. But of course we never did. 
Now that I am in a D/s relationship and experiencing denial, I feel those same feelings not after she lets me orgasm but all of the time.  Specifically I feel that intense attraction and desire for her not after I orgasm but ironically when she doesn't let me climax. After I have been denied for a week or two, those emotions build. My desire for her becomes quite intentional. I feel this deep ache in my groin because I can’t release and it seems directly tied to my desire to pursue her. I want her badly. I find myself becoming quite affectionate. I find that I respond to her touch as if my nerve endings are on hyper-drive as her kisses, hugs, touch, especially her touch of my cock feels so much nicer.  When we make love I don’t ejaculate because I am not permitted to do so. I am left wanting. The immediate period after we are done just hurts inside.  I want to cum so bad but because I am her sub I have to obey and yeild to her wants each time she tells me 'no'.  In a sense she has rejected me not by not allowing me to make love with her but because she doesn't allow me to orgasm.  Yet I don’t feel far away from her. Rather I feel exceedingly close. I sleep with her wrapped in my arms all night long. I am left feeling as if she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I feel as if I can’t wait to repeat this same act of love-making even though I know what the end will be and yet every morning when I wake up, I don't feel distance but close.  I feel so close to her emotionally. I want to serve her. I want to take care of her. I yearn for her touch and to touch her even more than the day before.

But when a sub is permitted release after a period of denial, what does everyone write about on the blogs?  They talk about feeling de-motivated. They talk about being grumpy. They describe situations in which they just want to relax and not do all of this submissive ‘stuff’ for their Domme. They talk about wishing they hadn’t been permitted to cum because they don't want those submissive feelings to go away. They feel down, and emotionally drained.
I find the contrast between my former vanilla life and my current D/s life fascinating from an emotional vantage point.  Don’t you? Why is it that the ‘day after’ in my vanilla life I felt so good, so close and affectionate toward her after ejaculating, whereas the day after in a D/s relationship I feel such a letdown?  Why is it that I can feel so close to my Domme even though she constantly rejects my desire to orgasm yet feel so distant from the woman that never wanted to keep me intentionally in denial?  Why is it that I feel subdued and emotionally drained after being permitted release after a month or two in denial yet feel close and wanting to serve when having vanilla sex with orgasm?
I think the answer in part lies in the tease and attention of the Domme to the sub during the period of denial for the submissive guy.  Her teasing is affection. Her domination and expectation in keeping me in submission to her are also ways that she demonstrates tangible affection daily.  The fact that she limits my release is also a deep expression of her love for me - even if it is a way for her to get what she also wants - my love, devotion, and passion toward her. All of this attention - especially the sexual attention feeds my emotional tank and my submissive desires making me feel both loved and dominated.  The fact that she teases yet denies also plays with the physiological mechanisms in my body increasing my desire to be close to her by raising those hormones that trigger those responses.
The rejection of limited sex in my vanilla relationship felt like rejection because there was no other form of love coming from her that I could interpret as 'love'.  Rather the rejection fueled a steady stream of tension between us because there was no sexual intimacy for weeks at a time.  Yes I was denied as a Domme denies her sub, but I was denied without tease, without love, without feeling wanted and needed  That life produced the exact opposite feelings I feel now as Katie's sub even though Katie has chosen to deny me for increasingly longer amounts of time.
Many blogs speak of the role of the Mistress with regard to controlling the sexual relationship.  She indeed does play an important role.  Besides the fact that she receives the sexual attention she wants. Besides the fact that she controls the bedroom and decides, if, when, and how she will allow intimacy to show itself, she also has the responsibility, if she wants her sub to ache for her, to deliberately tease him.  It is the tease that triggers the physiological changes. It is the tease that ramps up the male hormones to keep him living closer to the edge. It is her manipulation of her man by the touch of her finger, which triggers his passion for her. She can add to this desire by allowing him to serve her orally, vaginally or via self stimulation all of which are ways that she opens her emotional heart to him while he in turn services her. She allows him the privilege to touch her body, to allow her to feel pleasure, to bring her to as many climaxes as she wishes, regardless of his wants at the time.  It is this seemingly one-sided dynamic that in fact fills both partners and leaves the dominant completely satisfied and the submissive 95% satisfied yet wanting even more. 
Emotions are screwy things.  I don’t understand them but I am learning just a bit with regard to how the D/s dynamic can enhance those emotions that build closeness between a man and a woman.  I wish I had known this years ago, but am glad that I can enjoy the fruits of this knowledge now.  Love to hear your thoughts.


  1. The Teasing should include the romantic/sensual/fun aspects of the interactions between spouses. On the long term, it's important to create/maintain a bond that isn't based only on sex. Orgasm denial is a reality of marriage and many times it's not for Teasing at all but because of busy lives. As long as the lack of Teasing is not resented as rejection, the sexual energy can be satisfied by creating a deeper bond with our mate

  2. I am going to agree with all that you said.

    What ever sub wants, needs, is to feel or sense that his domme wants his submission and is willing to encourage him, to help his submission grow, and enjoys his devoted attentions. Topping from the bottom is like a plea for help, a way of the man almost asking, without saying,an attempt to gain this feeling or acknowledgment from his wife or girl friend.

  3. Tease and denial is a simple way that a woman can create for their man the feeling that he desires most, one that will keep him satisfied, devoted and attentive to her needs.

  4. In my comment above, in the last sentence I should have written ...«As long as the lack of Sex is not resented as rejection, the sexual energy can be satisfied by creating a deeper bond with our mate.» So the Teasing and Denial fuels the man's desire and allow him to be satisfied by pleasuring his mate whether sexually or not.

  5. Denial without tease is a form of punishment. The fact that a vanilla woman can't see this is the source of a great deal of unhappiness in relationships. Such women would think that they're being cruel by teasing a man at the same time that they're denying him sexual release. They simply don't understand the dynamic of T and D, and your current experience merely demonstrates this fact.

    Katy's denial (of your sexual release) would be quite a different thing without the tease. As you correctly point out, it's the tease that assures you that she's fully aware of what she's doing, is enjoying your frustration, and is committed to keeping you as her creature, in thrall to her, and enthralled by her. A win-win situation, as opposed to the lose-lose situation of your former relationship.

    So, add tease to denial and you totally change the dynamic. What a delightful irony:)

  6. Great post!

    Denial with the tease is constant foreplay.

    Denial without any other acknowledgement is simply neglect.

  7. Ric C, AAT, Tom Allen and Lady Grey,
    Thanks to each of you for expressing your views. I think the theme to what each of you wrote is the same - that there needs to be tease whenever denial is a part of the D/s dynamic. As Ric C pointed out, the T&D is a component that is built on top of the underlying love relationship and that the bond between Domme and sub is first built on this mutual desire, attraction and devotion. To be honest, much of that was missing in the former relationship that I spoke about and as a result the lack of sexual intimacy just compounded the problem but was not the root of the problem itself.

    To AAT and Lady Grey, I can't agree more that the tease is the magical key to making the whole situation work for the benefit of both - but since D/s is all about the sub pleasing the Domme - it is a tremendous gift that the Domme can hive HERSELF by taking the time to lovingly tease her mate. The small amount of time she puts into it, pays her dividends many fold in return.

    Lady Grey, I am so thankful that Katie does not deny me with out the tease and wonder wonder how other subs that that are put into chastity and left there to serve feel. I wonder.... do they feel tortured or punished or do they just look at their life as 'this is how she likes it, so this is how it will be'? If they only could experience the tease for a few days it would change their minds forever as to what is best for both. I love to see your comment. Thanks!