Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Mentoring

I have worked in the field of athletics for a part of my past. One of the things I've noticed is the differences between new and older coaches. All coaches know x's and o's but the older coaches know how to coach. They don't panic in critical situations, they make wise decisions, they know how to handle conflicts and keep a team on task and functioning at their peak, they know how to get the most out of their players, they know when to sit a player or move one to a different position or change the role they play on the team, they know how to work through times of success as well as times of failure.  It’s those intangibles that go beyond the x’s and o’s that make experienced coaches such an asset.

In that light, I've often thought about the role of mentors in the D/s community. Kathy in her Femdom 101 blog often speaks of Tara who mentored her during her early and formative years as she was introduced to the life of Domme. Tara was influential in Kathie’s development as a Domme. Tara changed Kathy's life and it is evident she did via the many credits she give Tara even today. A few months ago Kathy wrote the following in which she noted the value for the older teaching the younger: "For any women, who grew up in a vanilla type of house hold, learning to become a man's mistress is a challenge. ..... Also, for most of the women it is a journey that they make without the help of family or friends."

In athletics I often wondered why administrative staff never invested the energy to ask/require the seasoned coaches to mentor the younger ones more intentionally.  There is so much that a new coach could learn from the elder over a coffee or lunch once or twice a week.  The same could be said about Dommes that are new to this lifestyle. Periodic IM chats, brief phone conversations, email correspondences or periodic times when two or more women could meet to share and discuss their lives as Dommes could be an immense help to those new, on the fence, or questioning their own practices.

I understand that there is a wide variety of lifestyles in the D/s communtity but there are also basic tenets that seem to pervade them all - respect for the woman, discipline on the part of the man, selflessness, the transfer of power, resolving conflicts, etc  I think it would be fantastic if women that are exploring this lifestyle could access the wisdom and knowledge of those that are well seasoned.  They may not adopt all of what their 'mentor' uses, but they would at least be given the opportunity to sift through the various techniques, rationale and  methods that older, more mature, women have found works for them. I understand that reading blogs written by Domme's can be of some help but there is nothing like having a woman that one can call. There's nothing like having a friend or a support group to serve the budding needs of this budding community.

Maybe someday others will feel more comfortable in reaching out and sharing with others as this lifestyle becomes more accepted and embraced.

I'm-Hers

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

What Makes me Smile

Katie and I were watching the Golden Globe Awards on TV tonight when she told me she wanted me to make her a smoothie.  Her comment made me smile and as I gathered the ingredients to mix in the blender I thought I should write about those things in life that make me happy.  Maybe you can identify with some; maybe you will learn a little more about what makes me tick or pushes those buttons that bring joy to my life. 
  • Bringing Katie a meal and seeing that smile of appreciation lets me know I've pleased her and that makes me very happy indeed.
  • Laying in bed and holding her tight makes me proud. When I cuddle up behind her as I know she likes and I hear that quiet 'mmmm' I smile inside.
  • Having her cuddle behind me and kiss me once or twice on the back in the middle of the night, makes me smile and know that I am indeed loved.
  • Saying something that causes her to laugh uncontrollably doesn't happen often but when it does it is one of life's real treats.
  • Having her tell me what she wants, when I know in the past she would have phrased that command as a question, makes me smile cause I know she's making progress in being more comfortable as my Domme.
  • "Put on some oil", the statement she makes before we make love makes me smile indeed since things are about to get hot an heavy.
  • You can tell when a kiss ends; when the person you are kissing has had enough. But to kiss, and hold that kiss when you can feel her wanting to end it but persisting long past that ending point makes me smile. She knows I'm playing with her and that in itself is just fun to do.
  • Katie is quite ticklish and although she hates it when I do, there are times when I dig my fingers into her ribs and make her giggle. I love to hear that giggle even though I know the 'stop it' command is soon to follow.
  • Our routine each morning is that she showers while I make the bed, check her emails and tidy the room.  When I hear her exit the shower, it's my signal to quickly shower and shave my genitals. When she turns on the hairdryer I know she is drying her bangs I know I need to quickly finish.  I use her towel and step out of the shower always to find her at her vanity in front of her mirror.  I smile every morning as I dry off behind her.  I smile because I am being watched and admired. It's nice to know that she enjoys the sight of my body even as  a middle aged guy.
  • After drying, I dry blow-dry her hair while she puts on her make-up. I know she loves feeling my fingers and brush running through her hair as I tend to her. I always comb it and then kiss her on the side of the neck, telling her 'I love you'. I smile now, just thinking about that little routine that is so special each  and every morning.  
  • "I love you." Every time she says those words, I beam. Who wouldn't?
  • Presenting her with a dozen roses and seeing that I pleased her makes me smile.  It's been one of those little gifts I can give that I know she truly appreciates.
  • Massaging her body nightly is one of those treats she expects from me that she just loves.  Last night she told me I had 'magical hands'. I love touching her; partly because her body just feels good to touch, but mostly because I know how much she loves the fact that I am the one she has chosen to take care of her.
  • It's a two-hour drive from her place to work and although I have a place to stay close to work, I love it when I tell her that I'll be there tonight and can hear how pleased she is by the tone of her voice.  And when I walk in and find her either at the door, or already snuggled in bed, it's that smile, that feeling inside me, that tells me this was indeed the right choice I made in coming to see her when common sense would have had me stay home.
  • Today I left her home again and got a call. A wooden gate wouldn't shut and she decided to take apart the latch and move it. She called telling me a screw was stripped and she couldn't get it off. I told her to take a hammer and pound on the butt end of the screw driver to make an indent and the push in as hard as she could and carefully turn it. She called back to tell me she was successful. Now that made me smile bigtime. She could have had me do it but she chose to do it herself. I love it when she stretches herself outside her comfort zone. I love it when she does construction too! Its sexy.
I could write many more examples but will stop here.  If you are new to the D/s scene, know that there is so much more than spankings, dressing up like a woman, or being humiliated that makes the relationship with the woman that you serve so worthwhile.  I love being Katie's sub. My reasons are numerous but mostly it's because I have so many opportunities to make her smile and express my love and appreciation for the women she is. That love I feel from her from the deeds I do to make her life more enjoyable isn't because she did something for me..... yet in a way it is since every smile, hug, kiss, and feeling of appreciation for the work I do on her behalf is all that is needed in return. I feel very loved indeed. I am a lucky man.
I'm Hers!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Teased

One doesn't have to read too many blogs to come across the topic of being teased.  And so I am curious.
How are you teased?
How often?
How long?

I'd love to hear feedback from those that tease as well as those that are the recipient of the tease.
Me, Katie usually teases me when we make love.  My role is pleasing her and denying myself.  It's almost a self inflicted tease as she knows how much I am enjoying myself when we are intimate.  I love pleasing her, she loves being pleased and I know she enjoys hearing me in a state of pleasurable-frustration as I work to please her but deny myself an orgasm. This topic has become a personal interest ever since she has told me that it could be a long while before she allows me the opportunity to orgasm.  I am finding that I want to feel that feeling of 'getting there', even though I know I'm not permitted to 'get there', if you know what I mean.

How is it that your Mistress teases you?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Wow! Who is she Becoming?

I left Katie's home and traveled the long road back to work knowing that I wouldn't be seeing her again until late Friday when I would once again be free for the weekend. While at work I texted Katie asking if I could remove the Jailbird in the morning to shower. She responded I could but only "to shave real well" before putting it back on again.
"So I can't take it off tonight to let 'him' stretch?

"NO"

"Do you have any idea when you will be letting me cum again?"

"No"


"So it could be as long as this summer?" I asked, seriously doubting she'd leave me shackled that long.

"Yes" she responded, much to my dismay.

"A year? I asked, now in a bit more panic.

"Maybe not till our honeymoon"

I looked at that text dumbfounded. We had talked about getting married at the end of the year or early into the following and I had no idea that she'd want me to go without an orgasm for that long.

"Are you serious?"

No response for five minutes so I asked her again, "Are you serious?" Still no response so I repeated the question. Finally she replied, "On phone with friend".

I couldn't believe she'd ignore me so I asked once more, "Are you serious?"

"Yes" Those dreaded three letters was all she wrote. 

Then a moment later came another beep on my cell. I opened the text to read: "Aww, time flies" came her terse response. Was she serious, sympathetic or sarcastic. I couldn't tell.

"No more questions" came another text. I didn't text till I called her that evening.

Later on the phone she asked if I was upset with her. I told her I wasn't but was pouting a bit trying to wrap my brain about the possibility of being left that long without a release. Katie informed me it was only a possibility but one she is considering if leaving me in denial keeps me feeling especially close to her. She reminded me of my own words after she let me orgasm a little over a month ago, when I told her that I didn't feel as close and wanting to be near her, touching her, and desiring to care for her as much as I had for the week after she allowed me to orgasm. I reluctantly agreed that I did indeed feel that way and that there is this dichotomy in feelings now that I am being denied; part of me wants her to continue to deny me, but another wants to experience that feeling of climax even though I know there will be a dramatic reduction of passionate feelings after that momentary crest is breeched.


But a year? I couldn't help but think of the subtitle of the Male Chastity Blog "be careful what you wish for." How appropriate those words are now that she has gained a comfort level in my denial and the one-sided pleasure our relationship as taken a turn toward in the past several months.


I am starting day 32 as I write. I may be just 10% along the way till she allows me to experience the very thing I begged her to withhold just a few months previous. Never in my life did I think she'd enjoy the effects of my denial so much. Be careful men what you wish for. Your wife may just give it to you - and so much more than you ever dreamed. 


What's the take home message? Never doubt a woman to do that which you never, ever dreamed she had the strength to do. Well, it's bedtime and I will wake up to start day 33, a day in which I will ache to serve her just as I longed to do on day 32.

Till next time,

I'm-Hers 

Post script: I sent a draft of this post in an email this morning to be approved by Katie as I always do.  I've had a day to ponder the texts of yesterday. My mind is peaceful. I realize that I don't have, nor do I want the power to decide. I want to serve her. I want to trust her.  I realize as I stepped back from the emotion of the possibility of not cumming for a year that her decision is based on keeping us close as a couple and keeping me especially close to her as the man she loves and enjoys.  I respect that. I respect her. I have come to see that her ways are best. She has always been a woman who makes wise decisions and does not rush into them as I would. So if it's a year, then it's a year. And if it is, it will be the best year of my life and one that I will learn much about myself and about her.  I can't wait to see her on Friday.




Thursday, January 5, 2012

Male Submission - a shift in society or just a wise choice?


Mr. SH, in his recent post, commented regarding a question a Mr. Ajay from India made asking if Mr. SH felt male submission to a dominant female was a type of 'fringe' relationship. Mr.SH commented that he believed D/s was not and stated that he believed male submission is becoming more accepted due to a societal shift in the male/female dynamic relationally.

Mr. SH may be correct due to the shift he believes is occurring and is evidenced by the increased role women are now engaging with respect to them taking more leadership in the home, workplace, government and other areas or public recognition. Those changes may indeed be happening in our society, and those changes may be resulting in more women taking leadership roles in their marriages, but I would like to address this idea of male submission from a different slant. It is my opinion that male submission to a woman that loves him will make both the relationship better and make him into a better man.

Two posts ago I listed traits that others have defined as being associated with being a man.  Many are complimentary but some are not.  Negative traits that are male in origin include being selfishness, focusing and conversing about things rather than feelings and relationships, having a controlling, manipulative and proud attitude, likely to start conflicts, aggressiveness (negatively) as well as more likely to harm another physically. 

I want to be clear with this point: I am not saying that all men exhibit these undesirable traits. The majority of men are upstanding and have with much to offer (otherwise why would a woman ever be interested in marrying a man :). However, men are more likely (than women) to exhibit tendencies that lean in those ways described in the paragraph above. Given this propensity, I have found that loving dominance to a woman that both enjoys my service as well as one to whom I have yielded my all, has the capacity to modify undesirable behaviors and cultivate positive ones.  For example, I know that I have selfish tendencies. If left alone, I can be quite selfish with my time.  I can distinctly remember pouting after giving Katie nightly massages knowing that she wouldn't be reciprocating early on into our D/s lives. That is a selfish state of mind.  Prior to submitting I know I would rather sit and watch a ballgame and relax and let her prepare a meal for the two of us. I know that feeling this way is the norm for most North American homes but when stepping back and analyzing my choice to be a couch potato, it really does reflect an attitude of entitlement and is selfish and expectant. This fall I have missed more NFL games than ever before because Katie had other plans on Sunday afternoons. To be honest, I fought the urge to ask if I could watch TV but in hindsight I realize it's only a game and that my time with her is much more rewarding than time in front of the tube.  I can state without hesitation that prior to becoming a sub, I viewed sex as a means to get much more as an opportunity to give.  My desire was to enjoy the experience and reach an orgasm. Yes I wanted to share the experience with her but my desire was 'me' focused rather than making it a time where she could enjoy my body, passion and love for her pleasure. That is a selfish attitude. 

In the area of 'selfish' I scored pretty high on the scale prior to becoming a sub.  I could discuss my shortcomings in the areas of control, opening up emotionally, being overly competitive and many more areas as well as I have times when I have failed to live as I know I should have at times in those areas. However, since I have submitted to Katie's authority things have changed. Some not so much but in other areas I have seen significant change. 

Katie has helped me to become a better person through her loving dominance and I don't even know if she even knows it.  She has certain expectations, certain demands, certain things she never expects to see or again, but generally she really wants my loving adoration, service and obedience. Yes those undesirable traits still rear their ugly heads at time but nothing like they would have if I would have been left to my own choice.  I have stated this before that the reason I asked Katie if she would accept my submission to her authority was because I felt that it would add to our relationship by cultivating intimacy and depth to what we already had. I loved Katie and she loved me but after exploring the web, reading D/s literature and talking to a few others in the lifestyle, I felt that this relational 'format' would help me to be a better lover and husband.  Why? Because I knew of my weaknesses, I knew that I needed loving dominance to help steer my energies and attributes in the proper direction. I knew that if Katie would assume the head of our home that she could benefit from the energy I had; that she could benefit from the type of person I was, and that she could curtail those negative traits either by mandating that I no longer be, act, or do x, y and z, or that she teach me a better way.  She has done that in many ways. Below are a few examples of how change has occurred practically:

Problem: Masturbation. This was something I had enjoyed doing prior to ever meeting her and continued to some degree after we became a 'thing'.  Katie didn't want me to continue with this habit and so she told me to stop.

Solution: To reinforce that desire of hers she started me on a life of chastity enforced through the use of a CB6000 and more recently by having me wear a steel Jailbird.  Initially Katie permitted frequent orgasms in her presence (when we made love) but now those orgasms are being denied. The last time I was permitted release was about a month ago and I've been told that my time in denial will be quite a bit longer this time. I can say that I have not masturbated in well over a year and really have no desire to do so anymore.

Problem: My attitude during sex was always about reaching orgasm.  This self-gratifying attitude made the act of love-making all about me and not about her.

Solution: The enforced denial while we are still very active sexually has caused a transformation in my mental state during our times of sharing intimately in this way.  Katie loves intercourse and desires it several times a week. She reaches orgasm multiple times yet I am not to climax. It is understood and I don't even ask anymore if I can as I know the answer before I even ask. Because I am denied I can unequivocally state that our sex life has gotten even better. I last longer. She maintains control. My mind is focused on pleasing her, although I must admit that what I feel is many-times more enjoyable than the 'old' way we use to make love where I orgasmed and then we stopped.  Part of me wants to never orgasm again, although each and every time that she lets me get to the edge I hope to hear those words 'you can cum now'.  It's quite the paradox of feelings and leaves me always wanting more each and every time she decides she's had enough enjoyment. If you've never experienced this form of denial I highly recommend it. It's incredibly addicting and yet amazingly frustrating all the same. In the end however, it makes our time sharing all about her, which is what service submission is all about anyway.

Problem: Having an expectant, "me-first" or 'selfish' attitude
Solution: In essence the entire success of Katie's dominance and my submission rests on an effective solution in this area. When I offered to prepare, serve all meals (the kitchen is my domain), when I offered to take care of the laundry, massage, feed and let the dog out at 5am, blow-dry and comb Katie's hair after she showers, make the bed, check her email, fetching her drinks and food while out, offering to take her or other women's plates/glasses when they are done eating or drinking at social gatherings,  asking her if I can do this or that when I have free time, completing a myriad of other small chores that I do for her so she needn't be bothered with them has helped to re-program my thinking to one in which my attitude now is service rather than self-seeking.

Problem: Wanting to control
Solution: Living the life of a sub means a life of asking for permission. Asking what she would like for breakfast, Asking if I can try to fix this, or if it is ok to dry washed clothes (since she doesn't like it on while we are not home), giving her all of my passwords to emails, and back accounts, asking for her approval to post this and every other post I've written on this blog.  Submission is about a loss of control and living  a life of dependence.

Problem: Tendency to converse, interact, and share intimately and open up personally
Solution: As a submissive I now talk about what Katie wants to talk about. I have pledged my honesty and in addition to that honesty she also has my time to use as she wants. When she wants to talk, we talk. I have found that the hour or so while I massage her in the darkness of the bedroom have been some of our best times to share feelings, thoughts and goals. I believe well that now having fully submitted to her authority for an extended period of time that my desire to share thoughts and feelings as increased dramatically.  Some might suggest that I am better in-touch with my female side but regardless of how others might categorize this, I do feel like I want to share more from my heart although I do still enjoy talking about superficial stuff - things, events, etc.

So the question I pose to you the reader is: Doesn't it just make common sense for a man to submit to a woman so that he can develop into a better man, better husband, better person, and better lover? Doesn't it make sense that turning one's life over to a woman that loves and cares about you and wants only the best of you govern your life and as she does make you into a better man and better submissive? If you can say yes to those questions, I think you are on your way to becoming a better person and one that is well on the way to enhancing your own life by developing qualities such as selflessness, compassion, humility, and devotion. You will become the man that your Mistress could have only dreamed she might someday find in a man. Others will see the change in you. Others will notice the man you are becoming. Others will notice that you are a husband that women will come to envy. Why, because you now live for a bigger reason than to serve and care for others. Your decision to exalt her, pamper her, spoil her, love her is a choice that few really make and live out. Your decision to devote your energies to a greater cause - your marriage by yielding to her is an expression of love that few can express to the degree that your service and devotion to her expresses daily. 

Yes, society may be changing because there is a societal shift to raising the cause of women's rights to the forefront of our society but to submit to a woman that loves you and knows both yours both your strengths and weaknesses and let her mold you can only have a positive outcome.  Submission makes perfect sense to me. My decision to submit is making me into a better man for Katie to love and enjoy and I hope that if you have chosen this path that you too see the benefits of your choice as well.

I encourage you to express your thoughts for the benefits of those that may be on the fence or wondering if my thoughts are in the minority or majority of submissive men.
I've submitted and now,
I'm Hers