Thursday, January 5, 2012

Male Submission - a shift in society or just a wise choice?

Mr. SH, in his recent post, commented regarding a question a Mr. Ajay from India made asking if Mr. SH felt male submission to a dominant female was a type of 'fringe' relationship. Mr.SH commented that he believed D/s was not and stated that he believed male submission is becoming more accepted due to a societal shift in the male/female dynamic relationally.

Mr. SH may be correct due to the shift he believes is occurring and is evidenced by the increased role women are now engaging with respect to them taking more leadership in the home, workplace, government and other areas or public recognition. Those changes may indeed be happening in our society, and those changes may be resulting in more women taking leadership roles in their marriages, but I would like to address this idea of male submission from a different slant. It is my opinion that male submission to a woman that loves him will make both the relationship better and make him into a better man.

Two posts ago I listed traits that others have defined as being associated with being a man.  Many are complimentary but some are not.  Negative traits that are male in origin include being selfishness, focusing and conversing about things rather than feelings and relationships, having a controlling, manipulative and proud attitude, likely to start conflicts, aggressiveness (negatively) as well as more likely to harm another physically. 

I want to be clear with this point: I am not saying that all men exhibit these undesirable traits. The majority of men are upstanding and have with much to offer (otherwise why would a woman ever be interested in marrying a man :). However, men are more likely (than women) to exhibit tendencies that lean in those ways described in the paragraph above. Given this propensity, I have found that loving dominance to a woman that both enjoys my service as well as one to whom I have yielded my all, has the capacity to modify undesirable behaviors and cultivate positive ones.  For example, I know that I have selfish tendencies. If left alone, I can be quite selfish with my time.  I can distinctly remember pouting after giving Katie nightly massages knowing that she wouldn't be reciprocating early on into our D/s lives. That is a selfish state of mind.  Prior to submitting I know I would rather sit and watch a ballgame and relax and let her prepare a meal for the two of us. I know that feeling this way is the norm for most North American homes but when stepping back and analyzing my choice to be a couch potato, it really does reflect an attitude of entitlement and is selfish and expectant. This fall I have missed more NFL games than ever before because Katie had other plans on Sunday afternoons. To be honest, I fought the urge to ask if I could watch TV but in hindsight I realize it's only a game and that my time with her is much more rewarding than time in front of the tube.  I can state without hesitation that prior to becoming a sub, I viewed sex as a means to get much more as an opportunity to give.  My desire was to enjoy the experience and reach an orgasm. Yes I wanted to share the experience with her but my desire was 'me' focused rather than making it a time where she could enjoy my body, passion and love for her pleasure. That is a selfish attitude. 

In the area of 'selfish' I scored pretty high on the scale prior to becoming a sub.  I could discuss my shortcomings in the areas of control, opening up emotionally, being overly competitive and many more areas as well as I have times when I have failed to live as I know I should have at times in those areas. However, since I have submitted to Katie's authority things have changed. Some not so much but in other areas I have seen significant change. 

Katie has helped me to become a better person through her loving dominance and I don't even know if she even knows it.  She has certain expectations, certain demands, certain things she never expects to see or again, but generally she really wants my loving adoration, service and obedience. Yes those undesirable traits still rear their ugly heads at time but nothing like they would have if I would have been left to my own choice.  I have stated this before that the reason I asked Katie if she would accept my submission to her authority was because I felt that it would add to our relationship by cultivating intimacy and depth to what we already had. I loved Katie and she loved me but after exploring the web, reading D/s literature and talking to a few others in the lifestyle, I felt that this relational 'format' would help me to be a better lover and husband.  Why? Because I knew of my weaknesses, I knew that I needed loving dominance to help steer my energies and attributes in the proper direction. I knew that if Katie would assume the head of our home that she could benefit from the energy I had; that she could benefit from the type of person I was, and that she could curtail those negative traits either by mandating that I no longer be, act, or do x, y and z, or that she teach me a better way.  She has done that in many ways. Below are a few examples of how change has occurred practically:

Problem: Masturbation. This was something I had enjoyed doing prior to ever meeting her and continued to some degree after we became a 'thing'.  Katie didn't want me to continue with this habit and so she told me to stop.

Solution: To reinforce that desire of hers she started me on a life of chastity enforced through the use of a CB6000 and more recently by having me wear a steel Jailbird.  Initially Katie permitted frequent orgasms in her presence (when we made love) but now those orgasms are being denied. The last time I was permitted release was about a month ago and I've been told that my time in denial will be quite a bit longer this time. I can say that I have not masturbated in well over a year and really have no desire to do so anymore.

Problem: My attitude during sex was always about reaching orgasm.  This self-gratifying attitude made the act of love-making all about me and not about her.

Solution: The enforced denial while we are still very active sexually has caused a transformation in my mental state during our times of sharing intimately in this way.  Katie loves intercourse and desires it several times a week. She reaches orgasm multiple times yet I am not to climax. It is understood and I don't even ask anymore if I can as I know the answer before I even ask. Because I am denied I can unequivocally state that our sex life has gotten even better. I last longer. She maintains control. My mind is focused on pleasing her, although I must admit that what I feel is many-times more enjoyable than the 'old' way we use to make love where I orgasmed and then we stopped.  Part of me wants to never orgasm again, although each and every time that she lets me get to the edge I hope to hear those words 'you can cum now'.  It's quite the paradox of feelings and leaves me always wanting more each and every time she decides she's had enough enjoyment. If you've never experienced this form of denial I highly recommend it. It's incredibly addicting and yet amazingly frustrating all the same. In the end however, it makes our time sharing all about her, which is what service submission is all about anyway.

Problem: Having an expectant, "me-first" or 'selfish' attitude
Solution: In essence the entire success of Katie's dominance and my submission rests on an effective solution in this area. When I offered to prepare, serve all meals (the kitchen is my domain), when I offered to take care of the laundry, massage, feed and let the dog out at 5am, blow-dry and comb Katie's hair after she showers, make the bed, check her email, fetching her drinks and food while out, offering to take her or other women's plates/glasses when they are done eating or drinking at social gatherings,  asking her if I can do this or that when I have free time, completing a myriad of other small chores that I do for her so she needn't be bothered with them has helped to re-program my thinking to one in which my attitude now is service rather than self-seeking.

Problem: Wanting to control
Solution: Living the life of a sub means a life of asking for permission. Asking what she would like for breakfast, Asking if I can try to fix this, or if it is ok to dry washed clothes (since she doesn't like it on while we are not home), giving her all of my passwords to emails, and back accounts, asking for her approval to post this and every other post I've written on this blog.  Submission is about a loss of control and living  a life of dependence.

Problem: Tendency to converse, interact, and share intimately and open up personally
Solution: As a submissive I now talk about what Katie wants to talk about. I have pledged my honesty and in addition to that honesty she also has my time to use as she wants. When she wants to talk, we talk. I have found that the hour or so while I massage her in the darkness of the bedroom have been some of our best times to share feelings, thoughts and goals. I believe well that now having fully submitted to her authority for an extended period of time that my desire to share thoughts and feelings as increased dramatically.  Some might suggest that I am better in-touch with my female side but regardless of how others might categorize this, I do feel like I want to share more from my heart although I do still enjoy talking about superficial stuff - things, events, etc.

So the question I pose to you the reader is: Doesn't it just make common sense for a man to submit to a woman so that he can develop into a better man, better husband, better person, and better lover? Doesn't it make sense that turning one's life over to a woman that loves and cares about you and wants only the best of you govern your life and as she does make you into a better man and better submissive? If you can say yes to those questions, I think you are on your way to becoming a better person and one that is well on the way to enhancing your own life by developing qualities such as selflessness, compassion, humility, and devotion. You will become the man that your Mistress could have only dreamed she might someday find in a man. Others will see the change in you. Others will notice the man you are becoming. Others will notice that you are a husband that women will come to envy. Why, because you now live for a bigger reason than to serve and care for others. Your decision to exalt her, pamper her, spoil her, love her is a choice that few really make and live out. Your decision to devote your energies to a greater cause - your marriage by yielding to her is an expression of love that few can express to the degree that your service and devotion to her expresses daily. 

Yes, society may be changing because there is a societal shift to raising the cause of women's rights to the forefront of our society but to submit to a woman that loves you and knows both yours both your strengths and weaknesses and let her mold you can only have a positive outcome.  Submission makes perfect sense to me. My decision to submit is making me into a better man for Katie to love and enjoy and I hope that if you have chosen this path that you too see the benefits of your choice as well.

I encourage you to express your thoughts for the benefits of those that may be on the fence or wondering if my thoughts are in the minority or majority of submissive men.
I've submitted and now,
I'm Hers


  1. I agree 100% with what you are saying, which is all well and good, but what if your wife does not see it in quite the same way. I don't think that there is point in denying that wanting a WLM is all about a sexual feeling, you must agree. I know that you can dress it up any number of ways, but at the end of the day, if the man didn't get that sexual buzz from his submission, her dominance, he probably wouldn't be so keen to do all the chores, and pamper her in the way that he does.

    Take away that sexual element of enjoyment from a woman who enjoys sexs, wants sex, and you are left with a much more difficult situation, one that may not see the woman is ready to accept or even want the sexually motivated attentions of her husband 24/7.

  2. AAT,
    Yes you are correct and I neglected to add that key aspect of the D/s dynamic. Not having that sexual buzz may cause one from the outside looking in at the roles of the two spouses as viewing the man as just being plane taken advantage of or abused when evaluating the amount of work being done by both partners.

    I know from all that you have written that this very issue that you struggle with. I am so sorry that you have such a desire to serve Jane as her sub but she seems to just not be able to connect with her emotionally at that level to help her to really (and I mean really) understand the benefit she has in you should she finally and totally accept your submission. I feel your frustration and hope the best for you.

  3. My Wife started keeping me locked up all the time about three years ago. She worked up to it for the seven years prior.
    Once when I asked to unlock me for something she replied, "You snowmobile, run, work, and bicycle with it on so you can do this with it on too!"
    Gradually she took away all of my reasons to be unlocked except doctor visits and she makes me plead allot even doe those.
    My Wife thinks there is no reason that a married man should have a penis that is not kept locked. I think more and more women are thinking this way.

  4. I agree with your post, however, I don't think it would work for every marriage or relationship. It works for Mr.SH, it works for you, and to a large degree it works for me and my wife. Even in my own extended family I see marriages where it would never work. Not sure I'm really answering your question or babbling.

  5. Mr. IH,

    If I understand your premise correctly, stereotypical negative behavior (unnecessarily combative, lazy, Etc) of men can be countered easily through surrendering to the authority of a women.

    This is not a concept I have hear before, but I believe I agree with it. I will have to give it some thought, but can remember during my initial transition that I felt a new perspective being put into place as I developed empathy to my wife. As I tuned in more and more to her, I would see things through her eyes. Since as a submissive, I find pleasure and contentment from doing things she enjoys of me, I found myself constantly asking myself what that may be at any given moment. After a long duration of time, this is a skill that has become second nature. I do not think it will ever be ‘done’ but by now I tune into her wants and wishes for me constantly. This by in turn I do feel makes me shed those traits you speak of. However, I personally believe chastity plays a big part, at least for me. I can find repeatable behavioral changes during my chastity cycle. The first is as about two days. There are other markers but the other big one is at three weeks. I am sure there are changes as a result, as I can literally feel the difference when they occur.

    Thank you for the well worded post.


  6. LH,
    I hear what you are saying but I would beg to disagree given the following: that the wife truly loves her husband and desires only what is best for him as well as how he can best please and serve her. If that dynamic is in place by the wife then I believe my premise is correct. However I don't think it will work practically in all relationships primarily because either the wife is not loving and interested in the best for both of them OR because the husband is not willing to humble himself and submit to her as the head of him, and their home. Food for thought :)

  7. SH, you hit the nail on the head in rephrasing my points. I told Katie the other day "I am a better man because of you" and sincerely believe that I am. She has helped me to be better in many ways and it's all because of the she has put me in chastity, and held firm to me serving her. I think if she accepts both her and my role to a greater level of acceptance internally, I can only see myself becoming more selfless and more focused outward rather than selfishly inward.

  8. Mr. IH,

    the problem is I see the positive traits you mention are ones the submissive in a relationship develops. Conversely, the dominant is traditionally expected to be self serving, enjoy leisure, and express themselves sternly. If you have found the role of the submissive makes them a better person, I would argue that in the same train of thought, the role of the dominant makes them a worse.

    Personally, I do not agree with this concept. A submissive gains pleasure in service and being ill treated. A dominant enjoys the service and uses the submissive to their liking. This is a relationship dynamic and I do not feel has a tie into morality, civic or spiritual. It is just a way two people can enjoy living with each other as an alterative to egalitarian ideals.

    To me, I have found that chastity lowers my contention at being able to successfully provide the service my wife enjoys. For me, that is tremendously helpful. I am not quite sure after thinking about it for awhile that I can buy into the better person concept. It is a small nuance though.

    take care.


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  10. @Subservient-husband: your comment: A submissive gains pleasure in service and being ill treated. A dominant enjoys the service and uses the submissive to their liking..
    With respect I disagree. I think it's a bdsm point of view. But a submissiveness/dominance is part of the human nature and has nothing to do with a lifestyle per se. And if a submissive is not a bit masochistic or is not into any kind of lifestyle he/she won't find pleasurable to be ill treated as the dominant won't be happy to use his/her submissive in a selfish way.

    @I'm-hers: The fact that you submit to your wife and want to service her makes you less selfish by definition. She might add to that but it's more of a self-growth at first. Now I do agree that women are by nature humanizing the world in a better way so to submit to their approval will help a man's character traits to be more socially agreeable.

  11. Mr RC,

    Perhaps you are right. To me it is a small nuance and perhaps I should of just kept the thought to myself. I can relate to what Mr. IH is conveying, as I know the emotion and connection he is experiencing having had the same.


  12. Mr. Katie,

    Sorry, but I don't know your name, so Mr. Katie seemed appropriate. Actually, my wife runs our church nursery so all the kids and parenst know my wife, so when I introduce myself to new people at church with kids I call my self Mr. Sarah, because people tend to call her Ms. Sarah.

    As you probably have surmised by now, I am a Christian. I also loved everything you posted above. Non-Christians, and even most Christians, mistakenly believe that the male role in marriage is dominance. However, a few brave Christian leaders and authors are now bringing to the attention of their fellow Christians that the Bible calls on husbands to be what we call today "servant leaders." Husbands are called to serve their wives as Christ served the church. Christ was the epitome of service. Two good books on this are: Every Man's Marriage and the second by a Dr. Hart is Understanding the Mind of a Woman ( a poor title, should have been called Servant Leadership for Husbands) The bottom line in both of these books is that a husband should love his wife by serving her; he should submit to her wishes on all things unless it violates his Biblical principals. Essentially he is to give up his personal preferences in deference to hers, because, as a female God has given females the intuition/knowledge of what it means for two to become one.

    I am my wife's servant and she is my master.And that includes in the bedroom. I have to agree that when you give up the male tendency for compulsive obsessive masturbation, and stop focusing on ejaculation during love making, your lives improve.

    Blessings to you