Wednesday, January 25, 2012


I have worked in the field of athletics for a part of my past. One of the things I've noticed is the differences between new and older coaches. All coaches know x's and o's but the older coaches know how to coach. They don't panic in critical situations, they make wise decisions, they know how to handle conflicts and keep a team on task and functioning at their peak, they know how to get the most out of their players, they know when to sit a player or move one to a different position or change the role they play on the team, they know how to work through times of success as well as times of failure.  It’s those intangibles that go beyond the x’s and o’s that make experienced coaches such an asset.

In that light, I've often thought about the role of mentors in the D/s community. Kathy in her Femdom 101 blog often speaks of Tara who mentored her during her early and formative years as she was introduced to the life of Domme. Tara was influential in Kathie’s development as a Domme. Tara changed Kathy's life and it is evident she did via the many credits she give Tara even today. A few months ago Kathy wrote the following in which she noted the value for the older teaching the younger: "For any women, who grew up in a vanilla type of house hold, learning to become a man's mistress is a challenge. ..... Also, for most of the women it is a journey that they make without the help of family or friends."

In athletics I often wondered why administrative staff never invested the energy to ask/require the seasoned coaches to mentor the younger ones more intentionally.  There is so much that a new coach could learn from the elder over a coffee or lunch once or twice a week.  The same could be said about Dommes that are new to this lifestyle. Periodic IM chats, brief phone conversations, email correspondences or periodic times when two or more women could meet to share and discuss their lives as Dommes could be an immense help to those new, on the fence, or questioning their own practices.

I understand that there is a wide variety of lifestyles in the D/s communtity but there are also basic tenets that seem to pervade them all - respect for the woman, discipline on the part of the man, selflessness, the transfer of power, resolving conflicts, etc  I think it would be fantastic if women that are exploring this lifestyle could access the wisdom and knowledge of those that are well seasoned.  They may not adopt all of what their 'mentor' uses, but they would at least be given the opportunity to sift through the various techniques, rationale and  methods that older, more mature, women have found works for them. I understand that reading blogs written by Domme's can be of some help but there is nothing like having a woman that one can call. There's nothing like having a friend or a support group to serve the budding needs of this budding community.

Maybe someday others will feel more comfortable in reaching out and sharing with others as this lifestyle becomes more accepted and embraced.



  1. That is a great point. My Mistress and I are new to this also, but not what you would call young. Not having a mentor or guidance has probably been her hardest part. She knows what she wants now, and is happy she is getting it, but still struggles with ideas and imagination.

  2. SC, There is something to be said about the value of support groups. Women, by nature are communal beings. They thrive on interaction with other women and in this regard I would think that discussing their feelings about D/s with others could be quite helpful, or if nothing else, at least reassuring that they are on the right path.

  3. I'm Hers,
    Nice post. It my sub-male fantasy world, I find it very erotic that my domme would get together with other dommes. I am worried that that may get out of control, though. Be careful what you wish for, lol. My Queen once had an account at she makes the rules, she got some interesting feedback, and she had discussed becoming a "verified" woman. I suspect that is along the lines you are talking about, where they can really share experiences and such. She never got to that point, and she cancelled her account after getting mad at me about something.

    I have blogged several times around the excitement/embarrassment (sp?) that I would feel if she told a girlfriend about our kinky play. Her sister was having marital problems and I teased Suzy to tell her sister that she should just put her hubby in a chastity cage. She thought that was funny, but it is really not Suzy to discuss sexual things like that. But then again, I never would have thought Suzy would say things like, "whacking your balls made me horny; take care of me now". So, never say never.