Wednesday, February 22, 2012

I'm Frustrated

I knew when I asked Katie to be my Domme that there would be some adjustments.  The hardest of those early day adjustments was assuming full responsibility in the kitchen.  At the time it seemed quite overwhelming but in due time I've come to enjoy cooking and keeping that area of the house clean. It has become quite satisfying in fact.

For the past few months Katie and I have been updating her home. We've redone two bathrooms, I've installed a bathroom counter, detached and reconnected the water and drain lines, painted four rooms, removed linoleum from the floors, spackled and prepped walls for painting, filled holes in walls, installed an interior door and probably a ton of other things.  Now we are working on the kitchen with the intent of installing a new counter, tiling the floor, and replacing the existing backsplash with new tile that will complement the new counter and floor.  When that's done the room will be painted - trim, walls and ceiling. It's a big job and one that we are about half-way done.

In my previous life, before Katie, I have done lots of house projects although I've never run water or gas lines, and really don't understand three-way and four-way- electrical outlets have minimal mechanical knowledge (automobile work) and am more than willing to call the appliance repair guy when there's trouble with kitchen and appliances.  But with that said, I've done a fair amount of construction, roofing and interior refinishing.  I love problem solving and enjoy ripping and tearing and then finishing off the project so that it looks fresh, clean and easy on the eyes.

But that was before Katie.  She hasn't seen me do these things.  Those are only stories that I've told her but not ones in which she has seen the final product of my work.  In her past life, she never did these kinds of projects herself but called in painters, plumbers, electricians, and landscapers when things needed done around her home.

We come from two different pasts when it comes to home repair and upkeep.  As we've been working together, she is apt to call and pay someone to do the work whereas I remind her 'I can do this'. After we chose floor tile she decided to have someone come in and lay the floor tile instead of having me do it.  Stab me in the heart!!  I told her I could do this as I've tiled several floors in the past.  She decided to have another tile in my stead even after my offer. I've accepted this but asked if I could at least tear out the old flooring and install the Wonderboard (concrete board).  I thought that was going to be ok until she spoke with the gentleman that will be laying the tile. He told her that if I layed the subfloor he couldn't guarantee his work.  I was told by Katie again that I would not be doing that task.  That news really bothered me.  I don't like being told I can't do something. Those comments cut to the heart of who I am as a person. I interpret it as her telling me she doesn't trust me, or that I am inadequate.

Added to this news was more disappointing news when the dishwasher suddenly died.  She purchased another but hired someone to install the new one.  Again I reminded her that this was not a difficult task and only required connecting the new washer to a water and drain line and doing some simple wiring.  But those words fell on deaf ears.  Guys that deliver the new dishwasher will be doing that work.  Stab me in the heart again!!!

I probably should be grateful that I don't have to do all of this but I hate to see her spending money when I could easily do this for her.  I would have loved to have heard her tell the tile guy "well, I trust my sub to install the subfloor and know it will be fine for you to tile even if you won't stand behind your work if he does."  That would have been music to my ears but maybe she will trust me enough in some future time.

So I'm frustrated.  I've promised to obey her - and I will BUT I don't like her viewing me as inadequate.  The hardest part for me is not bucking against her wishes too much.  I know I am permitted to state my views but it's difficult to hold my tongue when she makes a decision that I don't agree with.  I guess that is what submission is all about.  Dealing with it is tough on me as a person.  I feel less of a man when she asks other men to do what I could do.  I feel inadequate and although I know she loves me it still hurts inside.  And so I"m frustrated.

Maybe I should just grow up and move on.  I'm trying but it's tough.
I'm Hers

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Vibrant Women

 I've been wanting to write this post for some time and hope I can do the topic justice. The topic has to do with women "being" as there is nothing quite like watching females interact amongst themselves.  I've worked with the young adult population for over thirty years.  My involvement with this age group has been in the realm of education and athletics. For several years I coached college women and spent many hours each week with them. I love seeing a woman smile. There is just something special about seeing 'her' joy.

One of the most enjoyable and beautiful sights is watching girls being girls.  Look the pictures below.  Don't they just just ooze with joy?  Can't you see life flowing from their smiles, their eyes, their body language?  When I observed the girls I coached during a practice or at an all-day event talking, laughing and interacting - free from the stresses of their lives their joy was noticeably profound. It's how a woman should feel.  It's how they should act.  They were born to socialize and interact and express.  Now I'm not saying that boys shouldn't have those same feelings because they should but what makes them laugh is different (typically) than what triggers those expressions of joy and fulfillment in a woman. Guys talk about things - sports, weather, cars, music, stuff.  Girls do that too (boys, dresses, dances, etc) but I believe they are more in tune with their feelings and emotions than guys and so they talk about those 'deeper' feelings and thoughts then most men do and express themselves accordingly. How they behaved and what they talked about was different than when the conversation was co-ed. Their joy seemed more genuine, their giggles more frequent, their serious deeper when discussing heavier topics. Their attitudes were just different and it's difficult for me to describe.

When I see girls smiling it makes me happy. When I hear my own daughters laughing in the other room I can feel their joy. It's one of those simple, and often seen sights that make my day no matter where I am or what I am doing.  However did you ever see a middle aged or older couple eating at a restaurant and say almost nothing the entire time?  Have you ever walked into a room and felt the tension from an argument of a couple that just happened.  Have you ever watched the expressions of a typical housewife or working mom? A brief look at those women don't conjure up the same feelings as what I described above.  Those sights make me feel sad.  I see a lack of vibrancy. I see life being sucked out of once joyful girl that that deserves to be happy.  I see frustration, sadness or anger when there should be joy, and glee.

Enter the D/s dynamic.  I've mentioned in former posts that I am a product of a broken marriage. During that highly emotional time after separation I spent many hours in self examination wondering what went wrong, if things could be fixed, and what, if anything I could do to prevent a recurrence of the mistakes that were made over the years should I ever fall in love again.  It was only by chance that I happened upon femdom, wife-led marriages, and female-led relationship websites.  What grabbed my attention, almost jumping from some the the pages I read was the attitude of the male toward his partner. He wasn't husband that I was. He wasn't the dad that I grew up under. He didn't come to the dinner table when called by his wife. He didn't make the financial, vacation, social decisions that impacted His family. He didn't tell his wife that the baby's diaper was soiled and needed changing or stay in bed while his wife looked after a sick child in the middle of the night.

It was the complete opposite. I read about the woman, doing being the 'man' in the home. She made the decisions, instructing her husband what needed to be done while he, in doing her bidding, made her life less chaotic, less stressful, and more meaningful. What hit me like a ton-of-bricks was that the attitude and work-ethic of this submissive male actually worked to make his wife more happy, more joyful. His efforts off-loaded the stresses of her life onto himself.  Even more significant was that in this kind of relationship she always had his attentive ear.  She didn't have a man glued to the TV while half-listening to his wife pour out her heart about her day.  That attitude vanished once the man agreed to submit to her will and authority. The weeks in which I read educated me as a man in relating to a woman like nothing I had ever considered before - and it made total sense.

Could there be a better solution to a couple's happiness?  Aren't men born to be providers and care for the women they worked so hard to woo when they dated? Aren't men expected to protect and serve the tender woman that has agreed to open her heart to him?  A couple that has agreed to living with the woman in charge gains all of the benefits of a healthy relationship (commitment, interaction, companionship, communication, etc). She is also more likely to love her husband more intimately. She is more likely to have opportunities to relax while being  cared for. Her leisure time is greater. She as the opportunity to just be a girl - to spend time around with her girlfriends sharing and enjoying other female companionship as they were meant to be.  Yet, unlike the old days where this women socialized while working from sunrise til sunset, dominant women can socialize while relaxing without other distractions or stresses being part of their 'women-to-women' time.

As I write, Katie is out with two of her girlfriends having a drink after work and now that I'm rewriting this draft a few days later, she is out again with her same friend. She even called to tell me to text another woman and invite her to join them.  I love that she can socialize in this way. I love hearing about their conversations. I know this group of women. They are fun. They laugh. They smile, they share. They interact and in doing so, they recharge their batteries. Katie comes home energized and content. Her interaction with her friends is important and I encourage her to take the time see them often.

As her sub, caring for her when together is important but just as important are the decisions she makes to step outside of our relationship and enjoy the company of others.  And to add icing on the cake is allowing her to do that while I remain at home working knowing she will come home pleased to see that I was able to work or complete a project she had wanted finished - and she needn't lay a hand in order for it to be done - because she had a sub to do it for her.  Hmmmm. It doesn't get any better than that!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Two weeks without the Jailbird!!

I mentioned in my last post that I had gotten sick.  Katie typically has me out of the steel Jailbird while with her so she has access to Her goods when she wants and that was the case two weekends ago when I was with her and ill.  However when I left that following Monday morning to head back to work and for the past 12 days I have been free of that steel menace.  To be honest, I was quite happy to be out of chastity as I just didn't want to deal with early morning erection discomfort while not feeling well.  Now that I am feeling better, and now that it has been so long since I've been locked, I have come to enjoy the freedom of being free.  I can say with complete honesty that I have not masturbated nor stimulated myself even once.  I've been good. Being ill has had a lot to do with that but even so, the past two years spent mostly under lock and key has done wonders for breaking the years-long habit of my past.  I just seem to have almost no interest in that behavior anymore unless I am doing it for Katie's pleasure - well, almost but not completely as I do enjoy 'that' feeling every so often.

I mentioned to Katie that I have been out of chastity the other day. She told me to enjoy my freedom cause things are about to change.  I fully expect her to lock me up this Monday but until then, well, I'm going to enjoy a weekend of access to her and hopefully have multiple times where we can share intimately. I feel for guys liked Locked Husband who has been locked all week with a woman that has had no interest in teasing her husband. I especially feel for Subservient Husband who was just informed that the earliest he's going to be permitted out will be in a years' time from his last orgasm.  Every relationship is different but I am thankful that Katie enjoys the feel of me inside her as well as inside her hand, even if she does not allow me to orgasm.

It's been since December 9th since I've last orgasmed and I have no idea when the next opportunity will be but at least I am teased and able to share intimately with the woman I so love and want to please. The other day we made love and she followed that with some intermittent stroking of my cock - arousing me till I started to tense and moan - then stopping for a bit, then starting once more and repeating the process.  She's getting better at teasing and I know she enjoys the control she has. She can make me erect in seconds now. She knows my sensitive areas. She knows how to arouse me with very little effort and I know she loves that she can manipulate my emotions at her whim.  It's nice knowing she can as I love the attention even if it never does go to the logical end that I wish it would go.  Maybe this weekend, now that we are both recuperated, we will enjoy the pleasures of sharing our bodies more than once, or twice, or thrice!   Regardless, as always,

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Appropriate Role Reversal

 For the past few weeks, Katie and I have taken turns battling illness. She came down with flu-like/congestion and associated cough symptoms first, battling with it for at least 10 days.  No sooner had she somewhat recovered then I experienced what she had.  I spent several days alone and away, sleeping at all times except to work.  I awoke this past weekend and drove to her place not feeling so well.  What a great decision that was.  She babied me, cooked me meals, kept me hydrated and medicated, rubbed my back and generally just took great care of me.  It was really nice.  She just let me relax and rest or watch some TV as I wanted.  She took care of the chores in my stead and did so without thought of letting things go until I healed.

Only for a minute or two did I feel bad that I couldn't do my part as the submissive one.  But the thought didn't linger long.  I realized that life happens.  People suffer. Energy levels are what they are and as people we see that we can only do so much in certain circumstances - this being one of them.  How nice it is that two people can put aside their D/s roles (even though we thoroughly know they will return once health is restored) and just care for another as any compassionate person would.  And that is how she responded.  She kept me at rest and kept me cared for the entire weekend.  I left for work on Monday more refreshed and so glad I ad made the trip that Saturday afternoon to be with her.