Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Art of Falling in Love

In a recent post I talked about making love and really spoke more about the need for bonding more than the act itself.  I wanted to follow up on that thought a bit more as it relates to an interview I heard a few months ago regarding how couples fall in love.  The one interviewed spoke of  it as a series of steps with the first step being the attraction of a woman to a man and vice-versa.  The attraction had four parts: physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.  What caught my attention was the difference between one-night stand attractions and the deeper commitment attraction. He cited studies that revealed that initial attraction for men is usually physical while for women it is multidimensional (to include the other three aspects listed above).  However, women wanting a man for sex only looks only to the superficial - the physical as the primary 'quality' that they desire.  Looks, hair, general appearance, build, their package become the primary interest.  He noted that most all men are strongly stimulated by the visual and I am no exception to that. Personally I love a pretty face, a nice shape, sexy legs, a petite build, and know that a woman works out to keep herself fit - even as she ages.
Added to the physical is the intellectual - or the appreciation of one’s interests, intellect, and ability to converse intelligently with others.  Whether we realize it at the conscious level or not, we form opinions and draw conclusions when others speak.  I find an intelligent woman sexy. Sometimes I find them intimidating at first but once breaking through the 'their unapproachable barrier' I get to know them as the person they are and enjoy conversation that goes beyond the weather and how their car is running.  Katie was one of those women.  Her beauty intimidated me but once I was able to get past that I found the real jewel - her mind. She thinks deep thoughts and yet she can be as fun and silly as a young girl.  She and I are kindred spirits intellectually and it is a favorite quality of hers. She has insight, intuition, and her thoughts time run deep - much deeper than I thought.

Emotional connection is the sense that one receives when another makes them feel good.  Can you think of people that you just enjoy being around, not because of what they look like or how smart they are but just because of how they make you feel?  That's the emotional attraction that is needed for two to bond. It's that comfort level that one feels that just gives you that 'aaah, this is nice' feeling.

Finally attraction depends on a spiritual attraction. Spiritual in this case referring to the others values, morals and views on those big issues. Spiritual may include religious views but extends beyond that.  For example, Katie has a real heart for animals. She hates to see animals in pain. She is not a hunter and has told me that I have gone on my last deer hunt when I became her sub. I love her sensitivity for life as it reveals a bit of insight into her compassionate heart.  Those big topics make up the spiritual connection needed for two to become one.

After the attraction phase bonding can only deepen when one is accepted.  Acceptance knows that the other desires you just because of who you are faults and all.  To be accepted makes or breaks so many relationships.  A beautiful woman that is career minded may be a turn on or turn off for a man. A handsome intelligent man that needs to be in charge may make a woman feel secure or scare them away once that trait is revealed.  To be accepted is to know that your mate appreciates and loves you for the person that you are.

Over time and after many experiences shared together a couple will commit or break up.  It is this attachment that builds on the attraction and acceptance that preceeds the bonding process.  Engagement, marriage, desire to submit or dominate, are all forms of attachment that meld one to another.  I have found it so significant that in the D/s lifestyle there is a multilevel of attachment that differs from vanilla relationships.  I fell in love with Katie. I was attracted to her, felt completely at home when with her and told her I wanted to live with her forever. Only later did we discover D/s and as we worked through the jungle of finding our way relationally, I can say without question that it has deepened our intimacy.  It has shown us both what it means to commit, to lead, to follow, to accept, to obey, and to care.  Our relationship as grown not because Katie runs our home with an iron hand but because we share, discuss, express as other couples do. But in the end Katie bears the responsibility of making a decision and I the one that agrees to abide by that decision and embrace both her and her choices as if they were mine as well.  Katie has told me how much she appreciates knowing that I will always be there supporting her and I have found her increasingly attractive as I see my lover express that confident leadership I find so appealing.

Attachment is not a once and done act.  For two to remain attached they must make a conscious effort to attach or commit daily.  If not their bonds will weaken.  Today I asked Katie to tell me via text what she expects of me. I locked her response as a way to remind myself of the expectations she has for me and the obligation I have to support her as a woman, as the head of our home, and as the most important person in my life.  Some re-attach' when they re-confirm their marriage vows. That is a wonderful tradition but attachment can take place every night when a tired man is told that his Domme would like a back rub, or every morning when she is handed a cup of coffee while still in bed. The ongoing process of commitment is needed for the other bonding qualities to remain strong (attraction and acceptance).

The final component, and one that MOST never reach, is the ability to aspire. Katie wants to travel. I want to teach. Katie wants to spend time with her girl friends. I want to watch sporting events. Katie wants to go birding. I want to go backpacking and camping. Katie wants to workout. I want to read. Katie wants me to cook, clean and maintain her home.  I want to please Katie and see that smile that I love so much daily.   But how do couples reach compromises to allow the personal interests of the other become reality?  If I was required to clean for endless hours after work, how would she be able to travel or take me with her on social outings?  The ability to allow our partners to aspire to those goals, those bucket-list desires of life, is what aspiring is all about.  Unfortunately, most never consciously focus on this and get stuck in the daily grind of life where one just deals with the events that make their own lives so busy.

Again, in a D/s relationship that should free up time for the dominant partner to escape the hectic pace of life, it allows the Domme time to think, plan and lead. It gives them the ability to aspire to those things that bring them the most joy.  It also allows them time to decide how their sub is able to aspire to his desires.  If a couple consciously focuses on this aspect of their relationship their bond will tighten. They will become inseparable and it will reflect itself in how they live as lovers, as a couple and as Domme and sub if this is part of their lifestyle commitment.

Sadly, the process of breaking up is a reverse of the above.  Commitment fails, acceptance diminishes and attraction is diminished. When it's too much of a bother to get that morning coffee, when one sees faults in the other that bother them, when disputes break out about stupid things, when one looks on the other as unattractive, unintelligent, etc it is a reflection of the breaking of the bond that was formed.  Divorce is the culmination of this separation. The two most sited reasons for divorce is feeling disrespected and feeling unloved.

I trust that as you look at your partner you too will evaluate the depth of attraction, acceptance, commitment and desire to help them aspire to their dreams. As a sub, are you doing all that you can to make those things happen with your Domme? Dommes, do you find your sub inticingly attractive? Do you accept him as he his, see his commitment to you and will you allow him to aspire to the heights of his dreams as well?  I sure hope Katie will do that for me. Iknow I want that for her.

I'm Hers!


  1. What is the relation of all the points mentioned above to chastity ?


    1. Maria, Not a thing. Everything I write doesn't discuss the topic of chastity. I wrote this simply because I found the topic interesting. I would surmise that most of what I write doesn't deal with chastity but rather 'submission' and how submission and my relationship with Katie mesh. I sense a tone of disappointment in your comment and am sorry if that is so but I do hope you will stop by again and comment often.

  2. no, no disappointment at all, but since the "keyheld" blog is as far as I understand in the first place supposed to be related to chastity, I was just curious whether there might be a relation of which I was not aware. Anyway, thanks for your early reply.

    Maria K

  3. Maria, Yes I believe that is the purpose of the Keyheld site, however Keyheld came to me and asked if I would like my blog to be on their site. I agreed. I assumed that the author of Keyheld knew what kind of posts I wrote and that not all had to do with chastity. I hope you will stop by again.