Friday, March 23, 2012

A Better Man

As a couple that has both lived the majority of our lives in vanilla marriages but now committed our own relationship to live in a D/s love relationship, I think back on the old days and wonder at times ‘what is so different between these two lifestyles’.  I can’t answer the question from the perspective of a Domme but I can say that my view on this as Katie’s submissive is that there are many parallels between our two relational styles but I have the additional obligation to follow through with the promise I made to submit as well as obeying her word always.
I will say this for the umpteenth time: the reason I asked Katie to assume the dominant role in our relationship was to keep my mental, physical, and emotional focus entirely on her.  It’s how I wanted to live. My reason was simple.  I felt that if my body mind and soul revolved around Katie it would allow me to love her as I’ve always wanted to love a woman – with my entire being.  I have found this to be true.  Some may say that this causes me to become her slave and her to become a self seeking arrogant woman. I disagree. Isn’t love about giving? Isn’t love about going the extra mile? Isn’t love about desiring what is best for the other above one’s own wants? Isn’t love sacrificial? Doesn’t love want to please? I think in this way the D/s and vanilla relational styles are identical. What is different is the degree to which the man makes the effort to give to his partner – who in a D/s or FLR happens to also be his superior.

I love Katie. But to be honest, when we first ventured into this way of living it was hard. I didn’t want to cook and clean after every meal. I didn’t want to make the bed and straighten the room after her every morning. I didn’t want to feed the dog while she stayed in bed and I especially didn’t want to do it when she told me to as opposed to asking. I struggled with being less important and still do at times. I wanted to be equally yoked when I felt like it. I wanted her to do some of this ‘work’ even though I promised to obey and serve; even when I asked her to be the head of our home.
A month or so after I asked Katie if I could submit the light went on. I understood my situation clearly. It clarified to me just how selfish and lazy I was feeling and acting. Let me explain. When I lived as a bachelor for a period of time I did all of this work every day, all the time, and without any help from others. I cooked, cleaned, maintained the home, shopped for food, did the laundry, maintained the car, kept a budget, cared for the lawn, etc.  I did it all and never thought twice about it.  And it wasn’t something I hated doing. So why now? What’s the big deal about having to do this now?  That thought alone made me realize that what I was doing for her was nothing more than what I had been doing for myself when I lived alone. That thought changed the way I looked at my life as a sub.  I realized in a moment that what I promised, and what she now expects of me was nothing more than what I had grown accustomed to then. When that reality finally resonated within I became a sub at peace.  I became one that didn’t harbor negative regretful thoughts. I didn’t struggle so much with being her equal. I realized then that I wasn’t.  I realized that to submit meant to relinquish power and I became more at peace with being second fiddle.

Furthermore I became a submissive man that embraced treating the woman of my life differently than most men do. I treated her as the valued, precious treasure that she truly is. By doing all of these things I demonstrated my love for her.  By constantly thinking about her needs first I showed her just how much I loved her. I loved her more deeply. I loved her more selflessly. When she told me to do something I did it – and she loved it. When I worked while she relaxed, I didn’t do it begrudgingly. I did it and welcomed the chance to give her a break. I still struggle with being told what to do at times because I struggle with my own sense of self-worth but those feelings are less frequent. I am more comfortable being the predominant worker bee in our home. I am getting more use to the fact that Katie is really more powerful, significant, and worthy of my respect than when we first started down this path.  But what I get in return for my efforts is so worthwhile. I get to experience what it really means to treasure one above self. I get to see just what it’s like to care for another with the intent of pleasing them in every act I perform. I get to experience Katie’s love in its fullest and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I am a loved man. And she, by enforcing me to live by my promise to submit is teaching me what it really means to love another as love was meant to be lived out pragmatically.
I made a promise to obey. I made a promise to submit to her authority. I made a promise to put her ahead of myself. I made a promise to pamper her however she wished. I made a promise to let her be in charge of our (and my) sex life. I made a promise to make her life more enjoyable by doing those things she doesn’t enjoy doing which happen to be cooking laundry and keeping the house tidy. I made a lot of promises. Talk is cheap, as the saying goes, but I did make those promises. Katie gave me a ring as a symbol of my submission. That ring is a reminder not only that I am owned but that I have freely relinquished whatever power and independence I had and placed myself under her rule and guidance. The promise to serve seemed so easy at the time but in reality it takes effort. It takes discipline. It takes determination. The promises I made were to submit and to obey. Now when Katie tells me what she wants for dinner, I obey and make the meal she wishes me to put together. When she tells me to lock up for the day, I obey without questioning. When she tells me to stop vacuuming and do something else that is what I do. Not because that is what I want, but because that is what she wants. It’s all about her now and it’s a wonderful way to live with the one I love.

When I made those promises back when we first started off as Domme and sub I thought that the promises made where about me and what I wanted to do for her but I later learned that submission isn’t at all about me. It’s all about obedience and about serving. I learned that submission is about looking out for her needs than my own. I realize now that the promises made are and will always be about Katie and how I can serve, please and love her. And that’s the way it should be.

But in getting back to my initial question which asked how different the D/s life is from a vanilla life, I tend to think it’s not really that much. Yes there is more work done on the part of the submissive. We are not equally yoked.  I know I am equally respected and loved unconditionally yet I know that I am not fully her equal. If I was, I wouldn’t be a submissive man. I love her just as I would in a non D/s power exchange. I protect and care for her just the same.  What the D/s assures, at least in the way that we have our relationship designed, is that I am expected to demonstrate unending devotion, adoration, honor and love.

They say that if you do something long enough it will change you. It will no longer become a chore but a habit.  I have found that to be true. What was once awkward to make the dinner meal is now second nature. When she first asked me to massage her nightly it was difficult to make myself remain awake and attentive. Now I wish for no other way to end our day than to massage her body for an hour or so and talk in the dark of the bedroom or massage in silence in the hope that I can massage her to sleep.  I use to challenge her when we disagreed. Now I voice my opinion and wait for her to decide. All of this submission stuff seemed different then. It was new but now it is the norm. Why? Because I have obeyed her long enough now that this way of life is just who I am. I am a changed man. I believe I am a better man.

I’m Hers!


  1. I have found D/s is where one partner is obligated to do as they sincerely enjoy and the other is there to enjoy facilitating that effort. The submissive gets the pleasure of being overtly used and the dominant is obligated in recognition of this pleasure, to use their submissive. To me, it is a better way to be in a relationship then egalitarian.

    1. SH, I couldn't agree with you more. I believe it's a win-win way to live for both parties. I am finding that being a submissive to Katie is so worth the effort. I can't help but think about her 24/7. It's like nothing else I've ever experienced.

  2. Nothing to do with F/m but, I have a thing about gardening, I don't like it much, or at least I don't think I do, but when I actually get off my lazy arse and do it it's actually quite enjoyable. Actually, so long as I can listen to my iPod I don't mind doing much at all.

  3. I love what you wrote, very well said. I agree, D/s is about love and so much more than an arrogant woman. LOL. I don't believe in that notion that women are better than men. That isn't what this is about. It is about two people who wish to live a little different way. I don't enjoy being a Mistress because I think I am better than a man, I enjoy it because the man asked me to take control of him, surrendered to me, submits to me, and serves me because it was how he wishes to live and what role he wants to have. The foundation of the relationship is still very much the same as two vanilla people, but we share a little something extra...perhaps more. We get to be at our most vulnerable state with the one we are with, both as a sub and a Domme. I think there is also a heightened state of trust between two people in a D/s that perhaps is different than a vanilla relationship.

    1. Miss Christina, I don't think I could have said it better. But from the perspective of a sub I sometimes find it hard to rationalize that I am Katie's equal. I am not by virtue of my service and by the fact that I asked if she could take control of me. I find at times that my view of her is that of a superior, even though in the vast majority of our lives I interact with her as equals. It is a strange paradox indeed and one that I don't have a full grasp on even yet.

      What I liked about your post is your comment about two being vulnerable - even the domme, moreso that when living vanilla lives. Vulnerability, trust, they are indeed two qualities that help to create greater intimacy. Thanks for your comments. I always enjoy your thoughts.