Tuesday, March 20, 2012
I Screwed Up
Sometimes I do the most stupid things and this time I really screwed up. Let me explain. Katie has permitted me to use her profile on another website to converse with other Dommes and/or subs on occasion. I have enjoyed the connection and have met some really nice people in the process. I write them explaining that I am seeking a friends-only relationship. Mostly the conversations revolve around our lives as it pertains to being either a sub or Domme. A few weeks ago I met a Domme and we began to chat off and on for about a month. I told Katie about this person and kept her in the loop the entire time. She and I seemed to connect at some level. I enjoyed writing her and she responded in kind, writing more than just a sentence or two. She actually seemed like a nice woman – and I am sure she is that in real life.
Last week, I was talking on the phone with Katie and near midnight told her I was tired and wanted to go to bed (we were apart that night). I happened to check my IM and noticed that this Domme was online and so I wrote her. Well, one thing led to another and we ended up conversing for the next couple of hours. During our conversation I overstepped my bounds and said some things that I shouldn’t have said. It was my error not hers. I made some personal comments that had to do with sexual topics that I should have kept to myself.
The following day I told Katie of my conversation. She wasn’t pleased that I had stayed up so late to talk when I was ‘supposedly’ tired. She became increasingly upset when she read our conversation and saw the comments that I made. It ignited her fuse and justifiably so. She called to tell me that she would be closing ‘our’ account at this other D/s site and informed me that I would not be conversing with this woman any more.
To be perfectly honest I completely understood, but I was also disappointed as this person had become a friend and I had caused whatever friendship we had to come to a sudden end. It was me that was in the wrong and it was me that was going to pay the price for my actions. Katie told me to tell her that I was no longer permitted to talk. I sent her a short email doing that. What I should have done when I wrote was to also mention the reason I was no longer permitted to talk. I told her only that Katie had decided that I was not to write her any more. What I didn’t mention was why.
Katie acted to protect her property – me. She told me that she wasn’t pleased. She confronted me on what I said and wanted to know why I had said such things. She pointed out matter-of-factly that she was upset at what I wrote and asked if I would be pleased if she had said those kinds of things to a man. I saw her point. I felt terrible. I deserved to be put in my place and knew that the limits she instituted were for my own good.
I reassured Katie several times that what I said was wrong but that my love for her was just as strong as ever. The entire time, from the first conversation I had until my last, I never had any desire to be anything more than a friend with this woman. I never had any feelings for this person. She was simply a nice woman that shared her desires to find love. She knew that I was committed. She knew that I was taken – owned in fact – by Katie.
Katie believed that and understood this. Her issue was with me not going to bed when I told her I was going. Her issue was with the subject matter of our conversation, specifically what I had said. I crossed Katie’s line and as a result the consequences were the loss of a friend.
It’s been a week and as I write I am still remorseful for my actions. I wish I could have just kept our chat at a G or PG rating level and not gone further. I wished I would have listened more and written less. I wish I had kept Katie at the forefront of my mind while IMing her and not allowed my written thoughts to move from acceptable to unacceptable. I wish I had just simply obeyed Katie. If I had done that all of this would have never happened. But I didn’t obey. I made a choice behind her back.
The evening when Katie confronted me was awkward. She was no longer Katie, my best friend and lover. Well she was, but she also let me know that she was the head of our home and that as her sub she expected me to follow through with what I say. When I tell her I am going to go to bed, she expects that I do exactly that. She expects me to recognize that she is the dominant partner even if she relates to me as a peer. She is not my peer. Not completely. She is more than that. She is the dominant. When she confronted me that evening I realized just how little power I had. She truly is the greater and I the lesser. I realized that the promise I made to submit to her authority has teeth and there are times like this one where I have no option but to yield to that authority. The ring I wear acknowledging my submission is a commitment that she expects me to abide by at all times. It is a promise as strong as a marriage vow.
I felt a bit like I was a child and she the adult when first confronted. I felt guilty. I felt bad. I felt like I was being punished and was being punished by someone that was above me or more significant than I. And I was. Yet her desire was not to punish. Her desire was to head off any potential threat to our relationship. Her desire was to make sure that nothing came between us that could derail all of the good that we have. Her desire was to look out for me – for us. I didn’t like being told what to do. I didn’t like having to write and say goodbye to an online friend but did as I was told because Katie was looking at a bigger picture. She was making sure that I remained completely committed to her and simply removed a potential distraction from my life.
Katie, I am so sorry.