Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Missing Those Dominating Words

I wrote a post a week ago mentioning that when I do chores I don’t get submissive feelings. I just do them. It's not that I don't enjoy feeling submissive. In fact I love when she makes me feel that way. I yearn for those moments. They make my day. So, after thinking about that post as well as the way that Katie and I have been interacting as of late, I began to sulk. Why? Because I miss ‘feeling’her dominance. I miss ‘feeling’submissive. I don’t feel submissive when I cook a meal, vacuum the floor, fold the laundry, or fix a broken item in the home. But I could feel that way if I was told to do those items or made to do something rather than given the choice.  

Here's what I'm talking about: This morning we were getting up and Katie told me to move the cars so someone else could get in the drive and not block us.  I happened to be making the bed and although I know that they would soon arrive, I continued to finish my chore.  Katie could have intervened at that moment and told me to stop what I was doing and do what she had told me to do.  That one missing sentence would have cemented her dominance as I was disregarding the immediecy of her request in lieu of my own wants.  That's what I miss.

Here are some other examples to clarify what I seek:

“Sub, fix me my coffee. I’ll be out on the deck waiting for it.”
While driving in the car… “I expect you to cook me x, y, and z tonight and serve me as you always do. Do you understand?”
Before or just as we begin to make love…. “You know you won’t be cumming tonight so don’t even bother asking. I want you to make me feel good for as long as you can.”
As we pull in the drive after shopping….. “Take everything inside and make sure it gets all put away. I love having you here to do this for me.” --Smile---, as she leaves me to work.
When we wake in the morning….. “Go turn the shower on for me and tell me when the water is warm. Then make the bed and do your morning chores before I get out.”
When out walking together ….. “I love you. I love having you as my sub. You make me feel so good when you work for me.”
In the morning before she showers “I’m locking you today so make sure you have that thing on before you come downstairs.”
At night when we’ve just gone to bed ….. “Are you tired?”
“Yes,” I reply.
“Well I want a back rub anyway so get the oil rub my body. I want a nice long massage.”

All of the above are ways that she can, with a five second statement change a chore into a submissive ‘feeling’ chore. It doesn't take much effort. She can add an emphasis by squeezing my cock or giving me a kiss of appreciation but it's the words that initiate those feelings. In the process she affirms her own dominance, something I would hope she would enjoy doing. The statements are just that, a confirmation of who we are, Domme and sub. We are lovers. We are best friends but my role is to bring pleasure. Her role is to make sure that I don’t slack in my duties. I know of no better way to reaffirm that disparity in our relationship than for her to make statements a few times a day to clarify my role as her sub. Simple declarative statements, not meant to hurt, but rather to remind both parties fuel the D/s dynamic, at least in my mind.

I miss those statements. I miss her dominance. Katie dominates so sweetly. She smiles, she asks, she thinks about me and if I would do 'this' or 'that' rather than just telling me to do 'this' or 'that'. She won’t ask for a massage if she knows I am tired. She asks if I’d like to do this, rather than telling me what we will be doing. She doesn’t try to make me feel like I am her submissive. Rather she knows that I am and enjoys the chores I do for her without the use D/s ‘words’to reaffirm that she’s the boss and I am her servant (even though I am also her best friend and lover). The two really can go together and I think they make for greater intimacy in our love relationship. I find that I am drawn to her when she reminds me that I am her sub. I get aroused when she asserts herself. I love it when she takes advantage of my mind, body, energy, and effort to off-load work on her. I love 'feeling' submissive. It makes me want to please er more; touch her more; kiss her more; cuddle up to her more. Those words make me feel so much more dependent on her and that, I guess, is at the heart of what I hope for us - me being dependent on her and her feeling independent to do as she wants.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and/or stories on this topic as well.
I'm Hers


  1. IH – from what you say, I think we are in the same boat. It sounds very much as though Katie and Jane are very similar characters, neither being comfortable with or particularly enjoying being dominant.

    Like you, I don’t find domestic chores a turn on per se, unless Jane has set me specific tasks, and only then, if she does so in a particular way.

    It's not just the words you are missing, but the meaning and conviction behind them. I think that I am going to continue this theme over on my blog as it's worth of a much wider discussion. Hope that's OK.

  2. I find that this is the most "difficult" part in an ongoing Domme/sub relationship. At times it feels like I am alone participating in this dynamic. What you seek is what we subs truly desire: Her active participation in the dynamic, and this can be through a simple sentence, look, or act.

    I suggest that you express your needs to her. Just as you have a responsibility to attend to her needs, She has a responsibility to listen to your needs - Whether she acts upon them is up to her. You can do this in a very non confrontational way: Tell her that you are struggling to maintain the type of service that she deserves, and you would feel more energized if she could help in a small way .

  3. I'm-Hers,
    Thanks for this thought-provoking post.
    I wonder, what is Katie's opinion on this matter?

    You make it sound so easy, but at least for me, it isn't. When I try to evoke submissive feelings in René, I usually fail.
    And I think, now and then, I said things like the ones you mentioned. Mostly without any noticeable effect. - Are you sure that they would work on you any time? Or could it be that you would have to be in a receptive mindset for them to have any effect?

    I can only repeat: For me it is extremely difficult to do or say anything that will make René feel submissive. And usually: The harder I try the more I fail. - Probably wanting to make him feel submissive is the wrong motive. Maybe he can only feel submissive when I am really in a dominant mood and do and say those things because I feel like it, not because I want them to have an effect on him.

    I don't know. All I know is that vanilla/sub relationships are not easy. Probably for neither party.


  4. So.. what I hear you saying is that you feel unfulfilled because Katie is not pushing your sub buttons as often, or in the way you want her to. Okay. I get that. Some would say that as the sub it's your job to take what she gives and be grateful for it. But, personally I think that's a cop out for dominant women who don't want to or can't take the time and energy to get to know their sub's motivations and needs. In my opinion, that type of one sided situation is best reserved for scenes or Pro-Dommes, it has no place in a lifestyle arrangement.(Donning the flame resistant suit now :-) )

    I guess my question is.. are you absolutely sure Katie knows and understands how she can best push your sub buttons? Have you told her exactly what you need from your arrangement. Have you tried to explain why you want her to use those words? Could you ask her for a time when you can talk uninterrupted and lay it out for her? Obviously you're not going to tell her that you want her to manage your relationship a specific way, but could share things you've noticed about yourself. You say something like, I want you to know that I react *this way* when you do or say *these things* and I seem to react *like this* when you do or don't do these other things, and then try to explain the feelings behind the reactions.

    I ask because my Knight is horrible about expressing his needs. His standard answer is "I want you to be happy" or "It's my job to make you happy." Or some other generic type comment. It's frustrating for me because I love him and I cherish and respect the power he's given me over him. Not only do I not want to abuse that power, but I want him to be fulfilled and content with our arrangement. But I can't give him that gift, if can't express what he needs.

    In fact, I'm implementing this exact type of conversation with my Knight. I took your suggestion that we set aside every day to discuss the FL aspect of our relationship. And one of the things we're going to focus on is understanding my Knight's reactions to my words and actions.

    ...Just a thought.

  5. I think I read on one of your earlier blog entires that Katie okays your blog entry before it's published. If that's so, it appears that you are topping from the bottom. Nothing wrong with that but you need to communicate your needs to Katie face to face. It's not as easy as it sounds. But she needs to know your needs and she need to communicate her expectations to you. Not a criticism just an observation. I am in the same boat. I am way more submissive than my spouse realizes and I seem unable to communicate that fact to her out of both fear and hesitation. Don't worry, both of you will get there.

  6. AAT,
    I agree with you. Katie, like Jane isn't as active in making us feel submissive as either of us would like (for me it's an ebb and flow dynamic as she can be dominant when she wants). Your comment where you say it's more than words but also meaning and conviction that is most important. Tamara alluded to that as well as she mentioned that she needs to be in a dominant mood to drive Rene into a more submissive mood. AAT, feel free to write all you wish on this topic. It's not 'my' topic at all and I think having others dialog is great for us D/s bloggers to write, think, discuss and hear others opinions and thoughts.

    Anonymous #1, I do have an open relationship with Katie. We discuss D/s lots. I send her blog excerpts from others that I think she would enjoy reading or that have to do with things we've talked about or are pertinent to our situation. Open communication isn't our problem but it is something we need to continually work on.

    Anonymous #2. I don't think I was topping from the bottom. I talk to Katie about all that I post. You are correct, she reads and approves (and modifies) what I write. This topic is not new for us and we have talked before about her being more direct or dominant verbally. When we first started on this journey, she told me she didn't want to become a bitch. We talked again and she told me she felt there was a fine line between being dominant and being bitchy. That, in part is her fear and what I believe holds her back from being more directive in telling me what she wants.

    Tamara, I agree, when she just tells me what to do, it doesn't always make me feel submissive. What does is when she is assertive, when she is controlling, when she is disciplining, when she shows power and I feel powerless or compelled by her words to obey. You mentioned that you need to feel dominant for Rene to feel that and I think that is so true. It's about attitude on the part of the woman that is so important.

    Angelique, Katie knows how to make me feel submissive. I've told her repeated times. However, it is not necessarily in her personality to do so. For example, as I was writing this response, she reminded me that I needed to grill chicken before leaving for work. Her words to me were, "oh, the chicken needs grilling". She could have said, "stop what you are doing and get the chicken grilled", or, "your my sub and you forgot to grill the chicken, get it going now." Rather her instinct is to be kind and in doing so she limits her power to dominate me. Hope that makes sense.

    To all, as I reflect on what I wrote and what you all have contributed I think that submissive feelings are revealed when the man is made to feel powerless. When he is left feeling vulnerable. When he did a wrong as is confronted by his Domme in a direct confrontative way. Those instances cause the man to become dependent because he has lost power. That is at the heart of being submissive. It's a topic for me to expound on more at another time.

    Thanks so much for all that took the tiime to write.

    1. I think I understand what you're saying. This may be a conversation my Knight and I need to have. Because like Katie, I also request, remind and mention.Very rarely do I order or openly "pull rank" on my Knight - he is so very responsive to my mere suggestion that I don't often feel it's necessary. But, I may be missing a vital aspect of this by not doing so more often.

      Thanks for your candid comments and explanations. I am always learning.

    2. Angelique, We are all learning. I am not one that is an expert by any means. I've been living this life for of a about two years. I'm still a toddler. Learning, complaining, exploring, wondering and making mistakes. But isn't it cool to know that, although we can be so very different, we can still make this D/s life work for the one we love so much. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

  7. ...more examples can be found on the Around Her Finger website in the 'Section for Women"