Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Submissive habit: Denial and Deference
I was going to write about the imbalance in chores and other duties I had but after a weekend with Katie in which we made love three times and I was denied each time, I thought this would be a more appropriate topic.
One of the behaviors that Katie as altered is my willingness to take charge when in her presence. In the work place I have always been an alpha. I am not an alpha by nature. I’ve always felt that one of my best attributes is when others give me a job to do and then let me do it, yet for many years I’ve had to lead others as a part of my work responsibilities. I tended to carry that trait over when at home and can be one that tells rather than waits to receive instruction. I can be controlling as that was what was expected of me while at work.
Control and submission are not two synonymous qualities of a sub. After submitting to Katie and the conversations that we had on this topic both before and after my submission, it became quite evident that things had to change. She wanted to make the decisions. She wanted the control. She expected me to step back and wait for her to decide. She wanted me to keep quiet and defer to her for the decisions that we were to make. Yet, she continually asks for my input but rarely do I ever make a final decision anymore. I have changed. She has changed me. My how my life has changed when I think about how I acted when we first met.
She is the boss. She is the decision maker. During the last few months she has told me (rather than ask) so many things she wants done. Her behavior as the head of our home has become so much more solidified as has my role to defer to her will. The bedroom is just one area. Our lovemaking is special. I know she loves me pleasing her. I now she loves hearing me so close to the edge. Yet, I know she loves me being denied – not because she doesn’t enjoy seeing and feeling me when I do orgasm, but because she knows the chemical changes within promote more devotion and attention to her both in and out of the bedroom. She wants me sexually charged. She wants my affection and touch throughout the day. She wants to know that I get hard often. And so I am denied.
Denial is a small part of a bigger picture. Deferring, yielding, and acknowledging her as the head of our home is what she wants and expects of me. We are in love. We are a D/s couple because it promotes greater intimacy in our relationship. She has molded me to bend to her will, to submit to her way, and to look to her for leadership and guidance in the large and small decisions that we encounter daily.
Katie is the one in charge. I am there to support and love her. She wants my input. She loves my intellect. She wants most for me to step back, to kneel symbolically to her as I let her lead. I am her submissive man. My role is look to her for guidance. To text, call, and converse at all times to make sure she is both aware and approves my actions. Deference is new to me. It came slow. It is still difficult to yield at times. But I am much more comfortable and content as a man when I let her lead and I follow. I sometimes remind her how glad I am to be her sub when she is wrestling with a decision. Leadership is tough but it is something she is good at. I am so glad that I can rest in her care. I love the fact that she is a woman in charge. It turns me on. It’s sexy. It’s appealing. I love knowing that this dominant, confident, classy woman is my Domme. I arouses me just writing about her.