Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Chastity and Denial: What every woman should know

When I first talked to Katie about putting me in chastity I really had no idea what I was getting in to.  I had read lots of blogs and did some research and it all sounded quite kinky and fun.  Once she did lock me I had a whole different attitude.  It changed how I lived to some degree. I sat when using the toilet. I made sure that I didn’t touch another with my midsection. I found that it irritated me if left on, especially when seated.

However as she insisted that I remain chaste for longer periods, as the novelty of being locked dissipated, and as I accepted my life as her submissive, my views on chastity have changed.  It’s still a bit kinky. I mean how many men actually have a chunk of plastic or steel beneath their trousers with a lock of some type keeping them from touching their cock?  I’m certain there aren’t many.  How many men are subsequently used to please their dominant partner and either remain locked or has their cock used to provide her with enjoyment without ever being permitted orgasm?  Again, I don’t think many. So there is a bit of kink and adventure that chastity brings to a relationship. It’s a lifestyle change for sure, but it also can be fun and quite controlling for her as well.

There is so much more that happens psychologically as well as physiologically.  Chastity changes a man. It changed me and the longer I am locked the more pronounced the change is becoming.  For these reasons I think every woman should be aware of the power of denial. Denial without chastity is possible but denial with chastity certainly accentuates the power differential between her and the man she controls as it adds a visual example as well as absolute denial on a body part that men hold in high regard – their penis. 

I think I can state, in a broad sense, that men love women. They love their attention; they love getting a woman to be theirs; they love having sex with a woman and getting them to yield their body completely when making love.  Men love showing off their woman. There is a reason the term ‘trophy wife’ exists.  Elderly men love having a young beautiful woman that is theirs to tout and parade in front of other jealous men. 

Unfortunately, too many men have wandering eyes and cheat.  Once they have been married many men desire more adventure and cultivate relationships with other women often leaving the one they are with and a trail of pain and ruined lives in their wake.  In a way I think I can say that the majority of men are self-seeking, pleasure-seeking, selfish, and at least a tad arrogant – whether they want to admit it or not.

Enter chastity and denial as a part of a D/s relationship…….

When Katie and I fell in love I promised her my all. I told her she was the best thing that ever happened to me. I told her that I wanted her like no other. I loved everything about her. She was beautiful outwardly and just as beautiful inwardly. She loved me and made me feel complete. I loved being with her and was proud to walk with her in public knowing that she was ‘mine’. 

Fortunately for me we discovered D/s as a lifestyle and we chose to embrace this.  A few short months later she opted to incorporate chastity into our relationship. She had reservations about long-term denial wondering if it was unhealthy. I researched the topic on Google scholar and found nothing that substantiated that worry.  She was concerned about me being discovered but that fear also waned with time.  She curbed my desire to secretly masturbate by keeping me locked whenever we were apart – especially when apart for an overnight period.  She later learned that denial, affected a man hormonally.  She learned that when a man ejaculates his sex drive suddenly diminishes and it takes several days for it to ramp back up. 

Katie loves touch and loves to be adored so denying me proved to be an effective way of keeping me close to her emotionally and physically since my desire to be near her increased the longer I was denied.  I became mildly horny all the time, and she loved it (and still does!).  Life for her was getting better and better. Old habits of self pleasure were disappearing. Cultivating a man that wanted her continually was increasing.  Having a cock that was super responsive to her touch or even the thought of her touch was now the norm.  She enjoyed each and every change that resulted. 

Later she learned that by adding tease to our relationship she could add even more sexual frustration and sexual tension to my life. Spending time stroking and fondling my cock felt wonderful but she never continued to touch to the point of release.  She simply stopped after a period and continued on with her day.  I was left charged and wanting more, wanting her. Mission accomplished!  Her style of tease is a highlight of my day. I wish she’d do it more and do it longer but I’ll take what I can get.

Beyond the increased sexual drive created when unable to there are many more benefits to living a chaste life of submission.  First and foremost it teaches a man that he is not in charge, that he is not the head of his home, that he doesn’t wear the pants in the relationship and that the role of his wife or partner is not about pleasing him. So much of a man’s life as well as his perspective on life completely changes then the click of the lock is heard.  Everything in his world is reversed. He learns about giving rather than getting. He soon realizes that his world revolves around her rather than she revolving around him. He has to deal with her wearing the pants, her making decisions, especially when it comes to bedroom expectations and conduct. He sees that this whole D/s stuff is really serious and that he WILL conform to her wishes.  Chastity teaches a man all about selflessness. Chastity teaches a man that he is indeed the submissive one, the subservient one, the lesser of the two, or whatever other terms you wish to use that deals with a power exchange in the relationship.

Chastity develops discipline and fidelity in ways I could have never understood while a free man.  A man’s mind revolves around sex. It is visually driven by the sight of beautiful women, the female body, the smell of her perfume and the sound of her voice. Chastity forces a man to realize that the blonde over there, or the tall brunette that just walked by or that babe over there are no longer options to flirt with in the hope of attracting their admiration. Being locked means you are owned. Your cock is no longer yours. It’s hers. And because it’s hers no other will ever have access to it.

Adding to the understanding that your body is hers and any interaction with another enticing woman will never amount to anything sexual because your organ isn’t accessible, is the fact that your mind can’t help but to be more genitally focused.  Every time an erection occurs you feel the control she has on you. When you sit, you feel the pull of the cage as your cock lifts away from the chair on which you are sitting. A man in chastity feels the squeeze of the cage throughout the day. His mind is continually drawn to the fact that a woman has control over him. He realizes that although his primary source of pleasure is his genitalia a woman can be quite satisfied without ever unlocking his prized possession. She can simply have him please her orally. Yes, she may desire penetration, but even then she can enjoy him while still mandating that he not release. Further, she can enjoy him for days at a time orally and never unlock him just to make clear that she is the greater and he the lesser. And the longer he is denied, the greater his desire to please her grows. She may want his affection but she may not be in the mood for sex for a week or month. Regardless of his wants he is forced to wait and wait he will.  Waiting produces frustration but if incorporated as part of a loving relationship it ultimately produces a patient and disciplined man.  

In that light, the loss of self control helps him to become more submissive.  For me that feeling has moved from feeling submissive to realizing I am owned.  It has taught me to be dependent on her; to rely on her and to serve her knowing that this is the life I have chosen and one that she intends to keep.

The sexual frustration of denial increases my desire for her. I can’t help to touch her affectionately. I can’t help but admire her beauty. I can’t help but envision her naked and close to me.  Kissing her, holding her, touching her, and cuddling become more frequent and pleasurable.  The desire for ejaculation no longer becomes a goal because the option just isn’t there. The focus becomes on enjoying what is possible. I call it softer sex and it’s exactly what most woman miss most from men – cuddling, holding, kissing, loving, caressing. The fact that I am denied as helped me see how much this kind of intimacy bonds us and makes sexual intimacy even more enjoyable and close when it happens.

In summary, chastity teaches selflessness and discipline. It increases sexual tension, it promotes the desire for a man to express appropriate affection; it develops submissive tendencies. It increases his dependency on her. It curbs any desire to masturbate; it significantly deters a husband from being flirtatious or looking to greener pastures. It makes him more genitally focused yet unable to resolve his heightened desire to release. It increases her control over both him and their relationship. It helps him see that his life is now about service rather than serving.  What woman wouldn’t want this life? I can’t imagine there are very many. I can’t imagine a woman not wanting to bond with a man whose energies are ‘her’ focused. I can’t imagine a woman not enjoying romantic intimacy without feeling the pressure to go all the way, all the time. I can’t imagine a woman not enjoying increasing freedom and independence while at the same time having a husband that now depends on her. I can’t imagine a woman not becoming more self-confident and having a husband that admires and adores having a woman control him who is strong, self-confident and self-assured.  So to those women that happen upon this blog, take a chance and take control of your man. I think you will find that it is a win-win situation for both of you.

I’m Hers

Note: I don't know why, but this post is read more than any other post on this  blog. I would love for you to stop by again and comment often. It's the comments of others that add to the richness of any blog and also give me ideas to write further posts. Please consider.

29 comments:

  1. Where you said how many men are locked or denied orgasm.. I would suspect from the number of blogs and the number of posts on web sites like chastity forums and chastity mansion that have thousands of signed up site members (pardon the pun) plus many more lurkers that it is more common than might be suspected. I discovered only recently that a good friend of mine I have known for 20 years is locked ... who knew?!

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  2. Celticqueen sub, thanks for commenting. I hope you do so again and often. It's good to have new readers share their views and opinions. Two thoughts came mind as I read your comment, first,.... I wonder how you found out and if finding out brought you two closer as I assume you are a locked submissive yourself. Second, I would love to get to know another man that is locked. Currently I email a guy that I am slowly becoming a friend with (electronically) and find our conversations refreshing as he can identify with where I am and he with me. Love to hear your story if you care to share it.

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  3. You always express yourself so well. You do a great job explaining your perspectives and observations,and I always find your words helpful.

    Like Celticqueens sub above, my Knight and I have been wondering if FLR and chastity/denial relationships are more common than we might think. Now that I've taken more control of our relationship we both recognize and notice males we know who act submissive to their wives.

    Personally, I'm still on the fence about putting my Knight in a chastity device. On one hand it could be fun. On the other I really enjoy knowing he's on the honor system and respects that on my say-so. He might enjoy wearing a device, I'm not sure. We really haven't discussed it much.. I just don't think he's ready for that conversation just yet. But, as always your posts are thought provoking and helpful.

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    1. Angelique,
      Katie tells me I should be a writer but I don't think I am up to that but your compliment makes me smile. As to your comments about seeing submissive men, don't you feel that most women run the home in general? It just seems that in most 'normal' relationships there is resentment on the part of both parties for the woman being to bossy and always having a 'honey do' list or the wife feeling like the husband never does enough. Those are the issues that are immediately resolved in a D/s relationship and as Katie reminds me, all relationships need to have someone that is in charge. She happens to be that person.

      As to your desire and ankst (spelling) with respect to chastity and honor, you could compromise as Katie does with me. She had me in a CB6000 til it broke but never locked it. She always wanted me in steel and later had me get a jailbird from maturemetal.com. I got a tap and threaded the hole where the lock goes and stay locked with a simple screw that I can undo whenever I want. So you could enjoy both and he still can keep up with his honor system by staying disaplined and not unscrew and free himself. Just a thought to consider.

      And as an aside, I so love reading your journey. It's been quite interesting to see you move from a woman that was searching for ways to have him comply and you to be pleased to one where you seem much more at peace and he, much more compliant as your submissive husband. I hope this lifestyle bonds the two of you closely. It scares me to think that adding a third or more will help you reach that goal of intimacy. Be careful and wise Angelique. It's the job of a Domme.

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  4. Mr. IH,

    Thank you for the wonderful post. I really enjoyed reading it.

    Today is the fourth day I am coming home from work to an empty house. My wife took the children to Florida for two weeks. In the past, being alone would have my mind dart to sex with each woman I made eye contact with, since I have an empty home. I have never taken another woman like that, but those birds have come to roost with a frightenly frequent pattern.

    This time it is not at all the same. I see a sexy woman in passing, but what can I do? How would that fantasy play out? My penis is encased in polycarbonate plastic with a brass padlock to which my wife holds the key. Even with my over active sexual imagination, I am in check-mate and simply have no recourse.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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    1. SH, aren't you glad you are in check mate? I sure am. And you know what I am experiencing? That peace and tranquility that comes from being locked and untouched for over two weeks. I could never identify with you before now but what you wrote is true. I don't know if it's hormonal or if it's just having understanding that this is how life is to be. I'm not horny like I was when I first left - that hit a peak about day 4 away and then has slowly diminished. Now I'm that compliant submissive guy that just is biding his time til he gets home in another week.

      Check mate aint so bad.
      Where is that Screw driver!!!! :)

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  5. That was a very beautiful post. Men want the feeling of being owned, and I am sure nothing does it better than a chastity device. On my blog we talk about training a man. We talk about training tools like the kennel, and like command postion. However, as a training aid these pale in comparison to having a man's equipment locked up 24 hours a day. For a wife who suspects a husband of cheating, a chastity device is a must. If a wife takes a husband back after having an affair she should insist on having his privates under lock and key. The chastity device gives all of the power in a relationship to the wife. Most women never want this type of power. However, once they have it, they never want to give it up. Love Kathy

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    1. Kathy, you offer the gift of wisdom, perspective and experience. I always thoroughly consider all that you write because this has been a way of life for you for many years. Thanks for the compliment and the thought. I just copied and pasted your comment for Katie to read knowing that your last sentence is exactly how she feels. Blessings to you and please don't stop writing. Hundreds if not thousands look to you for wisdom and advice.

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  6. i think that all men should be locked up and teasd my wife only locks me up once in a blue moon but i would like more il take what i can get its orsam.

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  7. Hang in there anonymous, you never know when she may change her strategy. You too maybe locked more frequently. And I agree, if men were locked, the world would be a better place to live.

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  8. This is a great post. I have always been a bit submissive but never felt quite there. This week I asked my wife if I could be in chaste. At first she couldn't understand what it was or why a man would want to. But now she has come around to the idea. How long did it take for the novelty to wear off and real submission set in. I want to please her but she wants totrail it for a short period like a week I want to try at least a month.

    Thanks PK

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  9. Anonymous,
    I applaud you for having an honest conversation with your wife. Understand however that if you are to approach this as being submissive you need to let her choose to deny you for however long she feels comfortable doing so. In my situation, my wife denied me anywhere from a few days to a week for a year or so before deciding to make those periods longer. It took her a long time and I let her do as she wished. My advice to you is to not push this but let your wife decide and let her become use to this. Every woman is different. For example, Katie doesn't want me locked when sleeping. I unlock every night. I relock in the morning. That's what she wants so that's what we do. If you prefer to talk more privately, use the email on the upper right side of the blog. I wish you well.

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    1. Thanks for the quick reply.
      You are so right, it is me that wants her to make the decisions so I should let her.
      I will let you know how it goes.

      Pk

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  10. I'm now in my third day, locked in a CB 3000, and it is a mixture of intense and delight and gnawing frustration! My mistress holds the keys, secretly hidden and it is her decision when (if??!) I am to be released. She has said that this is a trial period to see how I behave....

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    1. I wish you and your Mistress well. Enjoy the ride!

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  11. Your post was well thought out and well written, very impressive and helpful.

    I’ve been interested in male chastity for quite some time but lately I’ve been doing TONS of research because really want to keep my long term boyfriend locked. Our sex life has fizzled and I think it’s just the thing to spice our relationship back up while giving him the opportunity to explore his submissive side. Even though he has agreed I can hear some trepidation in his voice. He has always considered himself a dominant man and has lived his life as such…. Until he met me, so I know I need to take it slow and make it fun. I’m worried about comfort and hygiene so I’ve chosen mature metal’s jailbird and the next step is taking measurements. It’s an investment to be sure, especially since neither of us has any experience with male chastity, but I want to make sure he has little to no reason for rejecting the device. I’m really excited but I’m also really nervous, I’ll only have one shot to do this right, but if I do, I’m sure he will MORE than enjoy him being locked up. Any words of advice or encouragement?

    Thx,
    Jenn

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    1. Jen,
      Couple of thoughts. His trepidation..... it has to do with not having control. Ahh, that should get you all excited just because he expressed that emotion. Isn't that what submission is all about? Becoming dependent? Losing one's independence? I would think he'd love that, maybe even more than you will.

      But as to your thoughts on getting the Jailbird right - here's some thoughts: 1. Buy the plastic sizing rings. 2. pick a ring that will encase his penis that is large enough that you can slide it up and down it without touching it while it's in its flaccid state. Don't think the 'cage' will be too big. If he fits in there without having to pull and squeeze it in every time you put it back on, he will be much more comfortable and you can keep him locked for a good long time. 3. Choose a large ring that will go behind his balls around his penis that isn't too tight and not too loose. Too tight and it will restrict fluid flow in and out of the scrotum. Too lose and it will slide down from the base of his cock, where it needs to be. Just use common sense. If you have other questions and want to talk privately, or if your boyfriend does, just drop me an email.

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  12. Ms. Jenn,

    Hello and welcome.

    The first time a pad lock 'clicks' shut and you take the key is a solemn moment. I wish you well. I recommend the event be marked with some formality of your choosing and design.

    On my wife's and my ten year anniversary, we wrote new vows. We spoke them to each other and then burnt them. Her wedding set was upgraded to one of her choosing. I always look back on that as the new bedrock of our relationship.

    Becoming locked in a chastity device is a major step of surrender for a man. I respectfully suggest the occasion be marked with a formality and or ceremony of some form.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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    1. Great idea SH. I like the idea of commemorating that 'first' time with a bit of a vow. Creating memories are significant to relationships - as are anniversaries. And then there is the surrender when he can't do what he wants and turns that control over to Jenn. Mmmmm. I love just thinking about that :)

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  13. A wonderful experience! I'm also in my 50's, happily married for 25 years. My KH wife has locked me in jailhouse spiral steel chastity cage since last 18 months. While reading this experience I thought he was writing my story!! Yes, chastity has transformed our married life for better!!

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  14. Sunny Joy, I'm so glad to have a new visitor. I hope you share again to comments and join the club of 'older' subs that have fantastic marriages. I am certain their are 1000's of us 'out there' living lives as submissive husbands whose marriages have been transformed ever since our wives assumed a leadership position

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    1. Thanks! In fact, we should frequently share our feelings & experiences as well as the philosophy behind this lifestyle. This will encourage many subs to adapt this lifestyle with better understanding! Thanks again!

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  15. Hi, have been in a cb6000 for 7 days now, my keyholder mistress is getting hers twice daily and I have been told I will be locked for a lot longer yet. It was my decision to be locked and she was a little aprehensive to start with but has taken to the role perfectly! I love and adore my mistress very much. Looking forward to my future under lock and key.

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    1. Anonymous, I welcome you to the ever-growing 'club' of men who are held under lock and key by their girlfriend or wife. I think you will find that your relationship with her grows significantly deeper since your focus is forced to think of her first and her focus can now rest on knowing you are securely hers. I hope you comment often as it is the comments by others that enrich any blog - this one included. Thanks for stopping by and sharing.

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  16. Hi everyone, as a medico who specialises in the workings of the male sexual anatomy may l take the opportunity to pass on some very valuable information that l suggest you all consider. The penis needs to be exercised just like any other body part. Can you all imagine what would happen to your arm if you locked it into a position where exercise was prohibited, say for a period of six months. The muscle would waste away and when unlocked feeling would be so restricted in the limb normal tasks that we take for granted daily would be almost impossible. Here is a simple set of excersises for the penis. Get yourself a clock with a second hand and follow this program. Weather permitting strip naked and apply a thin coating of a petroleum jelly to the penis. Work yourself into a state of semi erection and when the second hand reaches the six at the bottom masturbate for 5 seconds only. When the second hand reaches the 2 repeat for 5 seconds. The sequence is an added 5 seconds between masturbating. So here it is 6-2-11-9-8-8-9-11-2-6. You will not ejaculate because you are prohibited from touching yourself between the numbers. When you have completed one cycle, on the 6, wait for the second hand to reach the 6 again and repeat two more times, no more than every second day. I have been practicing this method and have a very healthy penis that has not grown in length but l now have a penis with a 61/2 girth. Once the exercises are completed l am locked again, albeit in a larger cage, for the next couple of days.Practice makes this program work so please reserve comments until you have tried the formula, that's when you can buy me a beer for the advice. Good luck all.

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    1. Anonymous, Your analogy is flawed. You compare the penis to a muscle. That is ludicrous. Yes muscles will increase in size if exercised - via muscle hypertrophy - but the penis is a blood filled organ and it cannot increase in size with stimulation as you describe. To do so would cause near continuous engorgement of the penis with blood, not some exercise lasting a few minutes a day. Go to google scholar and do a little research and stop back when you have found an article that verifies through scientific study what you claim. The world is filled with empirical evidence such as yours yet, if you indeed increased size, so should every man, and if every man could, then a study would have need one and published. As it stands now, none have ever been published in referreed journals.
      Here is one studey that says penis size can't be increased. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201101/the-rare-truth-about-penis-size

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    2. Hello, thank you for your reply. I did not make an analogy and l did not compare the penis to a muscle, please take the time to read my letter again. If you are happy to have your member locked away for months (years) on end without some sort of stimulation then that is your choice and good luck with that. I prefer my way and l did say there was no increase in lenght however there was an increase in girth. And since l have been 'exercising' more of the penis now hangs when flaccid, just another bonus.

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  17. I can understand some men want their women in charge of them. Myself I don't see any reason for it I wouldn't allow one being put on me and if was forced on me from being drugged or some other means I would recompense. I can see serious injuries occurring wearing one of the devices shown. NOWAY

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    1. Anonymous, I wouldn't want anyone to forcibly lock me up either. Where is the love in that?!? As to being injured, I think it depends on what you do in life. I have done everything from gone backpacking to working in an office environment to running .... and even running hurdles!!!!! all without any problem. I guess you'd have to try it to see what it was like for yourself but my hunch is you won't be going there any time soon. And to be honest - I perfectly understand. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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