Thursday, June 28, 2012

Desexualizing Sex

I came across an article that I found interesting - fascinating actually. I found it on the Dreamloverlab website which is a site dedicated to male transformation so that they eventually become completely compliant and submissive to the dominant woman they serve. This article focuses on an aspect of that transformation discussing the desexualization of intercourse to one in which the male no longer desires to get a woman to bed for his pleasure but rather desires to give his body as a source of pleasure for her enjoyment and not his. Take a moment to read the article. I'll make a comment or two as to how I have been changed in the past two years.

Desexualization of intercourse - Male chastity as a doorway to female sexual liberation

More and more women are discovering the benefits of male chastity. Increased work output, willingness to perform basic domestic duties, compliance and attentiveness can often be observed after a non-ejaculatory period of as little as 48 hours. Additionally, facilitation of any subsequent training effort makes acceptance of chastity a mandatory first step in male training.

Research shows that at least 7-12 days of chastity are necessary before the male's sperm sacs become full, testosterone level spikes and courtship kicks into high gear (the male enters the Maximum Courtship Investment period). The necessity to extend this favorable state of arousal for the longest possible time inevitably leads to a need for the woman to seek sexual satisfaction in other ways or outside of the relationship.
As soon as the male advances into the phase of "willful participation" (either through observing a much improved relationship with his partner, or through the sexualization of his deference typical of this training philosophy) the couple usually experiences a "period of adjustment". Their relationship evolves, aided by the chemical cocktail produced in the male by his own state of arousal. The male is persuaded to let go of his culturally learned possessiveness, in the interest of the relationship and of continuing his training, with the final goal of obtaining his woman's approval and praise.
Many young women are enthusiastic about this state of affairs and see their complete sexual liberation as an ulterior benefit of male chastity. They are able to have the perfect husband obediently waiting at home.
At times, however, some women are tempted to unduly and prematurely interrupt their male's chastity regimen in order to have a sexual intercourse with their partner (and allowing him to ejaculate). By so doing, they fail to reap the benefits of this Maximal Courtship Investment phase fully.

Desexualization

Training your male through chastity does not mean having to give up intercourse with him altogether. Desexualization is a technique whereby one engages in sexual intercourse with a male in order to obtain satisfaction, while at the same time denying the male the possibility to achieve an orgasm. This is useful when you needto have intercourse with your partner but do not want to sabotage his chastity, or for purely psychological reasons that are part of his training.

Psychological effects

When the male is made to experience intercourse without arousal,

  • The male learns that he is the object of sex, not the subject (the ensuing loss of agency is typical of Identity Reframing training)
  • This leads to a spontaneous shift in his self image from aggressively sexual (predatory) to passively sexual (submissive) - his sexuality is reframed in terms of giving pleasure rather than obtaining it
  • The self image change is incompatible with sexual possessiveness as he can no longer claim any "ownership" of the female body
  • If the male learns to completely dissociate intercourse from sexual arousal, sexual arousal may be more effectively reframed in terms of worshipping you and seeking your praise through diligent service
These factors contribute to greatly enhancing the male's obedience and allowing him to let go of any possessiveness and accepting your sexual freedom at a deep level.

My thoughts:

Again, the purpose of this article specifically and the Dreamloverlab website in general is male transformation. This article discusses an aspect of male transformation in which the denied male (in chastity) is mentally reprogrammed so that he views himself not as one who views (and desires) women as a source of sexual pleasure but instead views himself as one that a woman can use for her own personal enjoyment. The author refers to altering a males 'cultural possessiveness' meaning, to change his psyche from that of the alpha to that of the beta male who desires to submit to 'her'.
When Katie assumed the alpha role, she wanted to be served. Yet her background was that of a submissive, conservative, gentle and quiet woman who lived in an unfulfilled marriage for many years. She is not by nature a dominant woman and to this day she does not convey that attitude. All she wants is my love and obedience. Over the months since she became my Domme she has accepted her role as the dominant one but has done so without losing a touch of that loving and caring woman that attracted me initially.

What hit me like a bullet was the author’s description of changes that result psychologically when a woman intentionally desires male transformation from that of an aggressive alpha male to one that is a passive submissive male.

Katie never led with an intention to change me! Let she has.

  • No longer is she the object of sex, I am. I never initiate sex. She does. I play. I touch. I tempt. But I never force myself on her. That decision is hers. Her body lures me. It fills my mind with lust but that lust is now controlled and it is a lust of admiration and appreciation – not one that I act on to use her to satisfy myself. I haven’t thought that way in months and months. That’s not who I am anymore.
  • No longer do I view her as a source of pleasure for me but rather one whose body is there for her pleasure (and in doing so I receive pleasure beyond compare). That's why I keep doing Kagel exercises wile I am away for this three-week period. I want to last as long as I can for her when I return. I want her to enjoy me.
  • I never view Katie as mine. I sometimes tell her that 'you are my girl' yet in my mind I am thinking 'you are my girl to please'. I view her as the person in my life that I am there to care for and please as much and as often as I can.
  • I view her now as one that owns me and implicit it that 'new' feeling of ownership is a changing view of my perception of her as a person. She has always been a woman I view as beautiful. I have always admired her but I have been feeling more than that recently. I wonder (I'm not sure yet) if my view of her is more of worship. I feel owned. To be owned means to not be equal. Submission is about inequality, but to be owned? That implies a significant disparity in one's equality with another. Does that imply worship? I don't know but I wonder.
My point is this: Chastity has changed me. Katie never intended to change me. She only wanted my obedience and service. She only wanted my cock hard and responsive when she wanted to enjoy me. But what happened was so much more than what she wanted. She changed me inwardly. These changes caused me, in part, to see that we are indeed not equal. These changes helped me view my body as one to be enjoyed. Being locked has caused me view her body as one that I am to please rather than used. Long term denial has resulted in me viewing her as being high on a pedestal.

Yet she never intentionally desired to change me in so many ways. All she wanted was for me to not touch my cock, and to keep it safe for her to enjoy rather than allow me to self pleasure. I find the changes powerful and significant. I'd love to know if those of you that have locked another, or are locked respond. Do you see the same changes?

I'm Hers!

11 comments:

  1. I think I was always oriented that way - the CB is an expression of it.

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  2. That is awesome. I want to start thinking the same way.

    Bob B.

    Talk to you soon

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  3. I have some nits to pick with the article; then I'll come back and leave comments on your contributions in a separate comment.

    "More and more women are discovering the benefits of male chastity. Increased work output, willingness to perform basic domestic duties, compliance and attentiveness can often be observed after a non-ejaculatory period of as little as 48 hours. Additionally, facilitation of any subsequent training effort makes acceptance of chastity a mandatory first step in male training."
    I'm calling bullshit. 1) Where are the studies that would provide proof that "more and more women" are going for chastity? Without evidence, this is purely fluff. 2) What is "work output?" I'm a teacher...do I suddenly get more students after 48 hours of not cumming? 3) "Willingness to perform basic domestic duties" - total bullshit. I do what I'm assigned the day after cumming just as well as I do a week afterwards. 4) "Attentiveness" is going to peak whenever a person experiences the opportunity for coupling, not because they haven't in a few hours. 5) Mistress initially had me cumming for Her nearly every day, and sometimes more than once a day. It isn't necessary to be locked in chastity - in fact, Mistress has no interest in locking me in anything. I do just fine without it.

    It's fine if someone's particular kink is chastity. But it isn't the One True Way.

    "Research shows that at least 7-12 days of chastity are necessary before the male's sperm sacs become full, testosterone level spikes and courtship kicks into high gear (the male enters the Maximum Courtship Investment period)."
    What research? When my second wife and I went to a fertility clinic, they said the time was about 3 days. But, so what? Having a lot of sperm does what? Sperm counts vary from person to person by the millions...so are high sperm count guys somehow more subservient? That seems unlikely. Testosterone rises and falls continuously. Holding a baby, for instance, will cause your testosterone levels to fall. Watching a movie of someone attacking a child, however, will cause it to rise. Honestly, we are just much more complex than the flow of testosterone will account for.

    If you ask me, this "article" is simply an attempt to paste pseudo-science over a fantasy to give it the patina of respectability and reality. I happen to enjoy having my sexuality controlled by Mistress Delila, but I don't think this is how everyone can or should live. It's what works for us and I don't need to paint lipstick all over a pig to say that.

    Again, this is directed at the article that you quoted, and not at anything you've said yourself.

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  4. "This article discusses an aspect of male transformation in which the denied male (in chastity) is mentally reprogrammed so that he views himself not as one who views (and desires) women as a source of sexual pleasure but instead views himself as one that a woman can use for her own personal enjoyment. "

    Isn't it possible to both see a woman as the source of sexual pleasure and view one's self as a source of sexual pleasure for that woman?

    "She is not by nature a dominant woman and to this day she does not convey that attitude. All she wants is my love and obedience."

    I laughed when I read this...She is not dominance, but She wants obedience? This is like swimming and not getting wet, no?

    "She is not by nature a dominant woman and to this day she does not convey that attitude. All she wants is my love and obedience"

    This is wonderful. Why should a woman have to choose between "dominant" and "loving?" False dichotomy, and your experience proves it.

    "I feel owned. To be owned means to not be equal. Submission is about inequality, but to be owned? That implies a significant disparity in one's equality with another. Does that imply worship? I don't know but I wonder."

    I think everyone ends up defining words to fit their lives, to some extent. So if "worship" works for you; then go for it.

    I get a warning tingle when I hear people use the "inequality" phrases. It is true that She holds the power, but that does not mean that you are any less human or that your needs are any less valid. It just means she gets to decide when and where and how. Yes, there is a certain amount of inequality, but that doesn't mean she has free-rein to abuse you (and I'm not claiming you are abused, I'm saying that some people can get out of hand with this).

    "These changes helped me view my body as one to be enjoyed."

    This is something I struggled with, and I think a lot of men struggle with being the object of desire. Too much cultural bullshit gets in the way. But it feels damned good to be desired. For someone to see you as you truly are and to love you because of who you really are...that's magical.

    I'm not locked, and never have been. My submission is only enforced by my desire to remain faithful and submissive to Her. But I do understand the things you are speaking of. I don't think it is all due to infrequent orgasms, though. But I do think it is wonderful.

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    1. Tomio, Thanks again for taking the time to write. As a political science teacher you understand that you are an "N" of 1. It's impossible to base conclusive results based on 1 person only. It takes many many subjects to come to see trends, or whatever one is studying. I say that because what I see as reality, or what you see as right/wrong, may not be what the majority of people see. Your comments referred frequently to your experience and I see that as valid and true for you yet it may not be for me, or for others. It doesn't make yours invalid. It just makes your views or your experiences dissimilar to another.

      With regard to your comments about physiologicial changes in the body (being full of sperm, etc) I would refer you to a well researched article that "At all times" wrote a year ago about the science of male sex hormones but I believe he removed his old posts. It was well written and has validity. I too researched it and what he wrote was spot on. The essence of what he wrote is that as testosterone levels increase, so does the 'courting' behaviors that this article mentioned. I have a copy of his post and may post it for you to read in the near future if I get his permission to do so. I saved it because it fascinated me.

      As to my changes...... When I read that article it surprised me too. When I read the many other articles at that website I didn't enjoy what I read, nor did most of what was written there appeal to me. That site focused on women using men, not loving them, not appreciating them, not respecting them, but rather, wanting to set into motion a type of transformation to get them to be a 'stay at home husband' that would provide for them while they went off and enjoyed other men outside their marriage. To me, it was a recipe full of marital disaster.

      What did strike me was reading this article and seeing just how much I have changed, not because Katie wanted to change me, but just because. Period. I've changed. My views of sex have changed, etc.

      As to your remarks in which you laughed when you read about katie not being dominant but expecting obedient.... Let me explain it this way. As a dad do you expect obedience from your kids? or from your students? I know you do. Yet, do they perceive you as being their dad/teacher or do they perceive you as being a feared dad/iron fisted teacher? There is a difference in my mind. The former leads and expects while maintaining a healthy relationship, the latter leads by instituting harsh consequences when others don't meet expected standards. Katie is the former. She expects me to do x, y, and z but when I don't she just tells me you forgot to do x, now go do it, rather than punishing me or yelling, or sending me to a closet or some other demeaning consequence.

      I hope this makes sense. Enjoyed reading you comments

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    2. Thanks for replying.

      I hope you didn't take the laughter as making fun of you in any way. I understand the difference you are drawing between the two, I just don't see either way as being more dominant...one way depends on the application of brute force and the other does not. I know the gentler form of domination goes against the grain of every stereotype of BDSM, but that's because those stereotypes, like most stereotypes, hold very little of the truth, and what truth there is tends to be stretched to the greatest extent.

      I would really like to see any evidence you may have linking testosterone and behavior. I understand that anecdote can only go so far, but it is a subject that I've read about at fairly great depth. A few months ago I had to begin testosterone replacement therapy, so I spent a great deal of time speaking to my doctor and to several biologists about the subject. So it isn't just my experience, but the objective learned opinion of medical personnel and scholars. But, as you say, personal experience can vary widely...which is kind of why I cast such doubt on the extremely broad and simplistic statements that I pulled from the source article.

      I understand, and echo, your sentiment about how living such a life changes a man. It is a wonderful thing.

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  5. Neither Mika Sasaki, M.D nor Susanne Liu, M.D are licensed to practise medicine in the US. Fetish, devotion, being a gentleman, respect and putting you loves desires before your own, I get, live and embrace... body, heart and mind. Unregulated electrosexualdevices intended to shock male genitals, not UL approved. I don't. I will stick to my wifes expectations gained through years of trust, devotion and adoration. Thanks. She and I know that her glance, stare and voice are more than enough.

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  6. Are there any actual experience reports out there? Dreamloverlabs is a company that wants to sell stuff. But I'd like to know whether any of what they advocate actually works, or whether it's all just a lovely little horny fantasy.

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  7. betlamed,
    I don't know the answer to your question. I read most every article on the Dreamloverslabs website - most of which I didn't enjoy reading nor would advocate. It was as if they were wanting to turn a man into a 'stepfordhusband' if you know what I mean.

    The point to my post was really one of reflection based upon the one article that I did read that struck a chord. My mind has been refocused. I think differently about sex and role with the woman that I love. Living the life of a submissive for such a long time has changed me. I think there is a nugget of truth to what this author said but I would never agree to embrace this websites philosophy.

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  8. Male chastity has become our lifestyle and I didn't do anything to push her into it except buy the first CB-2000. The past five years she has demanded that I always remain locked in chastity because it makes me the loving, caring, submissive husband that she loves to have catering to all of her needs. When I was free I always was more selfish.
    With male chastity device sales second only to dildoes and products like the Dream Lover 2000 more and more husband's will be wearing them. As women's power continues to increase they will see that males can easily be trained.

    While my Wife has not yet had any sexual encounters that I know of she knows its a right every Keyholder has.

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    1. Anonymous, I agree with everything you mentioned except for the last sentence. Is it indeed her right to take on another? Didn't she make a vow when you married to love only you and 'forgo all others"? Does the fact that she has assumed leadership of you, your relationship and your body also cause your marriage vow to be null and void? Something for you two to discuss.

      For me, the thought of her with another scares me to death. I think it would break our marriage - in fact I'm sure it would. I do hope you stop back again and comment often. Blogs need the comments of others to stimulate conversation and be a help to all that read. and btw, for whatever reason this blog post is the 2nd most read post of all that I've put up. Don't know why but it is :)

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