Monday, June 18, 2012
Thoughts while apart
At the time of this posting it will have been about one week in complete (rather than intermittent) chastity and about 12 weeks since my last release. I am finding my behavior interesting. I don’t think that the change I notice has anything to do with the 80+ days since I’ve last orgasmed. I’ve been down that road before and I think what I am feeling inside is different. Now if I was at day 180 I might think differently but this is not new territory for me – yet. However, the prolonged 24/7 locking is. I mean, Katie wants me locked completely and not even unlock to shave. She wants her cock untouched for nearly a month. Last night she told me I am to unlock the morning I return and then only to shave so my cock is baby-skin smooth for her enjoyment. This is what’s new. This is what’s different. This is what’s changing me.
What changes am I referring to? First, I can’t get my mind off of her. I think of her all the time, even when working with others during the day in pretty intense and busy social situations with the groups I am working. I find myself slipping away to text her all the time even when I am in areas with poor cell reception. Second, during the evenings I find myself touching what I can’t access. I find myself focusing more genitally. I find myself thinking about how ‘owned’ and ‘controlled’ I am as an adult man. I spend more time thinking and coming to the realization that although submission is a physical act of surrender it is even more of a psychological realization that I am controlled and even owned. Yes, she owns me and the evidence of that is easily seen. She tells me what she wants and I obey without question. I serve her and she never serves me. She readily shows her love to me but she never serves. The difference is significant. Yes, I’m feeling ‘owned’ much more than I am feeling ‘submissive’ these last few months. I have come to the conclusion that she has altered me both mentally and emotionally. I have become her property and although I live independently of her while away at work I feel so much more hers. I feel her control. I want her control. Every time I feel my cock harden inside its cage I think of her. Every time I role over at night and feel the pressure of the steel pressing against my body I realize I am an owned man. Every time I ask the rhetorical question to her on the phone “do you really want me to not unlock for almost a month?” I realize that the answer that I know she is going to give is the very answer that I want most to hear. Why? Because I want her to remind me of what is; that I’m hers and that I no longer live an independent life. My life is in her hands and under her guidance.
I find myself doing Kagel exercises all the time. I know that I will be extremely sensitive to her touch when I return home. I know that she will want to enjoy me. I know she will want me inside her. I can’t wait for that day but I want that time of intimacy to last. I don’t want to have to tell her I need to stop or need to slip out of her in fear that I will cum. I want my body to last so that she can enjoy me for a long time.
Wow. What a change in my thinking. Before it was all about me and how good she could make me feel. Now it’s the polar opposite. It’s not about getting. It’s about giving. It’s about pleasing rather than being pleased. It’s about serving and not being served. So much has changed deep within me.
I write this post with a hardened cock just thinking of what all I have gained. I have gained a life filled with purpose. I have gained a life that is more than just being about me. I have gained the privilege of making another woman’s life more enjoyable in so many ways. I have gained the ability to please another and to have my body be used for her pleasure.
Prolonged chastity is making me feel so different these days. It continues to change and mold me into a man of her liking; to a man that exhibits those qualities that please and excite her most. I can’t wait to get home and set free so she can enjoy my cock, and enjoy me as her lover. I am indeed hers. I find the word ‘owned’ becoming more of how I view myself, much more than the word ‘submissive’ which I previously felt. I think the word ‘owned’ is indeed more accurate as it more accurately depicts who I really am and what my purpose in life is – to please – to serve – to obey - her only. Yes I am a submissive man, but I am now more than that. I am an owned man and one that has become increasingly dependent on the one who dictates how I live in large measure.