Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Honorable Chastity

I don’t know if I titled this post correctly but I was thinking about chastity today and how different chastity can be from one man to another.  Last night I was away and slept in my Jailbird. Upon waking I took it off, showered, shaved, dried myself and once again became chase as part of dressing for the day ahead.  When at home I sleep ‘free’ because Katie prefers me cuddled behind her and doesn’t like the feel of hard steel against her. When away I don’t lock. Rather, I have a screw to secure the device and I can remove it whenever I want.  When I am away for extended periods – as was this summer when I was away for three weeks I removed it for a day or so because of skin irritation (after asking Katie’s permission).
I have a friend whose wife also locks him in a Jailbird. She keeps the key. Sometimes he’s locked for a few days, sometimes a week, often he sleeps locked, but sometimes he is free for a night or even an entire weekend, depending on the wishes of his wife.
I read several blogs. One gentleman is locked all the time but is set free for his wife to enjoy his member orally. Another has been locked for months and I am told it will be about a year before he is set free, only to be locked for another years’ time without ever being free.
I mention these different scenarios because chastity is so different from one to another.  Chastity is all about what the wife wants and (I assume) what the couple agrees to in the end.  For me and for others a screw secures the device. For others it is a lock that the wife may hold or may allow the sub to have one as well.  I entitled this post ‘honorable chastity’ because that is what our form of chastity is.  If I wanted out last night while away I could have.  If I wanted to masturbate in some secluded place I could have – but I don’t. I call that being honorable.  I am not saying that those men who are locked with a key are not honorable. In fact they are quite the opposite.  It’s honorable to give up the power of freedom of one’s member to a woman. It’s honorable to remain chase for days, weeks or months at a time.
Many men are not told to lock. That is the prerogative of their wife.  Chastity adds a bit of kink to a relationship. It adds a visual and physical reminder that one is owned or possessed by another. It serves as a constant reminder that a part of you is really not all yours anymore – but is now hers. It does restrict one’s ability to ejaculate and in the process cultivate submissive/affectionate desires of the man toward his woman. The severity of the chastity – meaning the length of time between being unlocked and or permitted ejaculations is so different.
For me, I love being locked. I used to ask Katie each morning if she wanted me to lock after showering. The answer was always the same ‘yes’. Now I just do it. I lock because that’s how she wants me.  I remain locked until undressing for bed because that’s what she wants. Katie doesn’t restrict me from touching myself when I am unlocked but I am never permitted to edge. That is for her to do. That’s where the line in the sand is drawn.
For those of you that are exploring or curious of chastity I hope you find the post insightful.  When we first started, we had no idea what was the right way of doing it.  The fact is, there is no right way. There is no one way. What works for one may not work for another.
As an aside, last year I attended a state-final basketball game. As I was in line I noticed security with metal detectors that were scanning bodies.  I had on my Jailbird. I was not with Katie. What should I do? A few months ago I needed to go to a local Social Security office. It’s a Federal building. I’ve been in Federal buildings before. There are security personnel there that check for guns, knives, and scan bodies.  I happened to be locked that day. What should I do?
In both cases I found a secluded place, unlocked, put the Jailbird in my glove box and continued on with life.  I was glad Katie gave me the option to ‘unscrew’ at those times. I’m not saying that all should be that way but for me, it was nice to not have to deal with morons that just didn’t understand an alternative way of existing – eg. Living chaste.
I’m Hers

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dominant Dress

I read a blog a few weeks ago by submissive husband.  A part of his post read as follows:
“Another random thought, have you heard the phrase "she dresses like a prostitute"? Now not having met a prostitute, I cannot verify how they dress but I take that phrase to mean that "she" is dressing in a way to attract men. I like that. I would like that women would dress to attract men. Dress sexy. To me dressing dowdy is demeaning to the woman.”
Submissive Husband is advocating that women intentionally dress to attract a man’s eye and goes so far to say that dressing to not impress is demeaning. That thought made me wonder, “should a dominant woman, or any woman for that matter, intentionally (and that’s the key word) dress to show her body off to other men?”
I don’t know if I will answer the question or not but the thought immediately conjured up two thoughts. The first is me walking with my two beautiful (and they are very attractive) daughters in the local shopping mall.  If there is one thing I can’t stand it is seeing other boys or (even more pathetic) men starring at my daughter’s ass or cleavage.  I can’t stand it. When I see someone walking in the opposite direction I match their stair. I catch their eye. I want them to know that I am looking at them in a way that indicates I don’t approve of what they are gawking at.  I’ve even gone so far as to tell a guy to look somewhere else. It pisses me off when boys and men do that.
The other day Katie and I were out shopping in one of the big-box hardware/lumber stores and the same thing occurred. A man walking in the opposite direction cast his gaze far too long at Katie and his eyes were not centered on her face. I noticed this, put my arm around her and met his star. He turned away when his eye happened to see mine.  At that moment I wanted him to know ‘she’s mine’. I didn’t want him to stare at her cleavage. Yet after he passed by I told Katie what I noticed. She just smiled, said nothing and we continued shopping.
When I am with Katie in public I am proud to be by her side. I love being with her. Outwardly she is a beautiful woman and I love knowing that others see me as ‘connected’ to her. I’m hers and I am happy for others to see and recognize that.  Katie does not dress to impress but she sure is impressive when she dresses and what I described above happens all the time. Ugh, I hate men staring at her!! But I digress.  Typically she’s in jeans and a top. She just happens to be freaking gorgeous regardless of what clothing happens to be covering her body. I love that she’s attractive. I tell her often how nice she looks. When walking behind her at home I’ll comment what a nice ass she has. When massaging her body at night I tell her how sexy her legs feel.  Yes, she knows I am very attracted to her physically.  I love that she looks great dressed up or dressed casual. I love that others notice her but I don’t love when they stare at her as ‘a possibility’.  I don’t like that when they look too long at her and I sure don’t like it when they do that with my girls – one of whom was raped as a teenager.  I don’t like it at all.
So, how should women dress? When I dress I just dress. I really don’t care what over’s feel of my color choice. I throw on a shirt and some pants (or shorts in hot weather) and head out the door.  Is that how a dominant woman should ‘think’ as well when they dress or should they dress to impress? Or, should they dress like a prostitute – meaning – should they dress to be ‘eye candy’ to a man. Should they dress to turn him on, to attract him, to make him drool, to rev his internal sexual motor, just because they can?  How would Katie feel if there were breasts hanging out to gawk over everywhere? Would she want me looking? (Can you say the phrase “punishment when I get home” cause that’s what would happen for sure!) But maybe you feel differently. I’d be curious as to your thoughts. Personally I think they should dress the way they feel most comfortable but that is just me. I’ve kidded Katie that she ought to dress in some shorter skirts just to show off her shapely legs but that’s not going to happen – never. Why? Because that’s not who Katie is. She dresses the way she wants and isn’t going to conform to anyone else desires. (And yes, I know that someone will make the comment that I shouldn’t want her to dress that way anyway for the very reasons I stated above. I realize that but I would love to see her legs. I just don't want 'you' staring at them as if you can have a piece of them.)
What say you dominant woman? What say you submissive man? What say you vanilla guy perusing this blog page?  Should confident dominant women dress any particular way? Should skimpy tops, ass-revealing shorts, and lots of breast bared for all to see be the norm for them? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
 I'm Hers

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Submissive Qualities

There have been quite a few posts in the past day or so about the qualities of submissive men. Last night I opened MsNaydi's blog, just long enough to see the title of her post when Katie told me it was time to go upstairs to bed.  The topic of her post was 'My Ideal Submissive Man'.  Ms Kathy commented this weekend in a few posts regarding her concern that there are too many D/s relationships that focus on punishment rather than on obedience and service.  I happened to read Domme Chronicles that had a lengthy video of 'submissive men' pictures.  To be honest that video disturbed me. The majority of the pics portrayed men that had been beaten or whipped, that were collared, tiled, shackled or locked.  Lipstick and Ligature posted a wonderful post on this topic as well that is well worth reading.

While talking to Katie in bed my thoughts happened to drift back to the days of Boy Scouts and the Scout Law as I wondered what MsNaydi thought the ideal sub was.  I substituted ' a submissive is' for 'a scout is' and thought - that all of those qualities could also be those a submissive man. I listed them below.  The character traits focus on many character traits a man should have with respect to loving his wife - whether in a D/s F/m relationship or not.  What wife wouldn't want a man to be this way?  Read MsNaydi's post and see the similarities.  Read what Ms Kathy wrote the last few times and see if you don't see that this is what she too desires.  Speak to any woman and see if they don't want a man that exhibits these qualities - as well as those masculine traits that define masculine (strong, protective, sexually driven, etc).

A submissive man is:

Now I am not saying that this is an exhaustive list because there is no mention of a power exchange. There is no mention of following, of deferring to her authority, to loving unconditionally, adoring or devotion but they address much that is good, right and positive in a healthy relationship.

I'd love to have dominant women write the qualities of an ideal Domme/Mistress.  I wonder if beating, punishing, humiliating and demeaning would be primary character traits they feel would breed a loving, healthy, long-lasting relationship.  I doubt it, but I am just one man's perspective and I would love to hear you express yours.  Am I off-the-wall or can you identify? I would love to hear your thoughts.
I'm Hers

Saturday, August 18, 2012

A Pleasant Surprise

Last night I arrived home quite late. Katie was already in bed. I stripped and climbed in bed naked, albeit with the Jailbird still attached and we made out.  It's something we do nightly and I hope we never stop taking the time to do.  I love kissing. There is something about exploring her lips and mouth with mine that is so nice.  It's like this little delicacy ..... but I digress.  After Katie had her fill of me she rolled on to her back and I took it as an indication that she wanted me to go down on her.  I slipped off her panties and took my position and spent the next 20 minutes in heaven pleasing her and bringing her to one orgasm after another.  I can't express in words just how beautiful it is to be 'there'.  Down 'there'. Between her legs. My hands wrapped around her strong thighs. My head resting on them between her orgasms while I wait for her to quiet. Looking up at her and seeing her tight abs, ample breasts and beautiful face. Her eyes closed. She always looks so beautiful from that perspective and she feels so 'mine' at the moment.  I love to both see and know that she is thoroughly enjoying what it is that I have to offer her.  I love it.

What has been such a pleasant surprise has been how often she has wanted me 'down there'.  Katie's typically not one to prefer oral pleasures as much as intercourse or being touched to an orgasm while snuggled close.  She prefers our bodies to be close when she cums and being between her legs pleasing her, moves me to a position where she is all alone. But for the past week or so I've spent a fair time using my tongue and mouth to please her and I hope it is the beginning of a ritual she continues to enjoy - and enjoy she does. Katie is always full of surprises and this may just be a temporary thing for her to enjoy.  By nights end, we always end up just where she wants me, regardless of any kissing, or intimacy we may have enjoyed.  In the end, I end up massaging her til she's either asleep or about to drift off and to be honest, it's one of the most intimate times of our day - at least for me. But for now, I'm sure loving the precursor to the massage - a different kind of massage - a very focused massage that she and I are both reveling in - at least for now.

I'm Hers

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Submission is the Only Possible Solution

A couple of months ago I happened to walk in and see my beautiful daughter who is in her 20's sitting with tears running down her cheeks. She was texting her boyfriend.  I asked what was wrong and she just shook her head then proceeded to explain how her boyfriend 'doesn't have a romantic bone is his body'. "He is so in your face with his answers" she went on to say. 
My heart melted as I thought back to when she was a little girl.  She was the one that would greet me when I came home from work with a hug. She was the one that would walk to the front of the yard on a hot day with a full glass of ice tea when she saw me out mowing the yard and sweating. She was the one that just loved to he hugged and held and told how much she was loved.  That was my little girl then and it's still my 'little' girl now. She's just all grown up but still has that same need to be loved. Unfortunately she's fallen in love with a man that has a hard time expressing his love for her in ways that meets her needs.
I was on the phone with my other daughter today and asked how her sister was doing with respect to her relationship with her beau.  She told me that she thinks it's over but that her sister just can't bring herself to break it off.  She told me that this guy keeps telling her that 'he's going to change' but never does.  Oh how I could identify with those words.
I wrote in earlier posts that I am one that came from a failed marriage.  I too heard those same words from my ex-wife. Words that expressed frustration for me not expressing romance, for not taking time to just sit and cuddle, or taking time to talk and share, or taking the initiative to do this or that - all things that she wanted from me - all things that would have made her feel loved.  And I too expressed those same feelings. It was as if neither of us could really do the things the other wanted, nor be the person the other hoped of their spouse and so our marriage deteriorated and then failed.
One of the driving forces that caused me to ask Katie if I could submit to her authority was because I knew that submission was a way for me to be the man that Katie wanted. It was the only way to help me learn to put her first and me a distant second. When I submitted to her rule our relationship deepened. Submission forced me to think of her first, look to her first, consider her first, and be the person she both wanted and now expects. 
There is only only one way that the relationship my daughter is struggling with has any hope of surviving.  It's only going to work and thrive if her man offers his unconditional submission to her - something that I know won't happen.  I find it sad that he just can't see that.  I find it sad that he doesn't know, nor even understand that yielding to the young lady that he is trying to love is the only way - it's is only hope. If only he could put his own desires aside and make her the center of his world, he might have a chance - they might have a chance. If only he would deny himself in lieu of her wants, her needs, her dreams their relationship might reverse course and deepen. If only he opened up his heart to share his hidden secrets, his hurts and seek to understand her as the woman she will there be hope that they will grow close once again and allow time for past hurts to heal. 
I wish he could see all of this but I know that he can't. I wish I could help him see but I don't know him well enough to help and he isn't near me where we can talk face to face. I've wondered about extending help via email but don't know if it's appropriate of if it's best to let the two of them work things out and cut the cords that are already strained.
I've been in a wonderful email conversation with another sub that is so excited about his submission.  He asked his wife to be the authority figure in their home and asked if she would allow him to be in chastity as a way to make her feel less stressed about sex.  Since then, she's controlled their sex life, She now decides if and when they will make love.  He has submitted to her and now she is the authority figure in their home. He gets it. He understands how submitting to her energized their relationship.  He wrote me today and told me this, "I told her the other day that I am so excited just to be waiting on her again and told her all the things I did while she was away such as  laundry, vacuuming the pool, watering plants, trimming bushes, vacuuming in the house, getting meals ready for the boys, picking up and dropping them off as needed,took them to the movies, washing her clothes, changing the bed sheets and leaving her clean clothes on the chair for her for when she arrives plus new towels and wash clothes, plus folded her lingerie and put it on her pillow so she can change for bed without having to open and close drawers. I am so exited she is home and can't wait till I get home from work to start waiting on her again."
If you are one reading this and are considering submitting to your wife, or if you are a man that has no desire to submit to your wife as the dominant figure in the home, at least consider the value of putting her first as you promised when you married her.  I submitted. But you could also say I simply put her first.  I changed my relationship so that my thoughts, my actions, my efforts, now revolve around Katie.  Yes she locked up my cock and did so because she thought that was best for her. Some might think that is a bit overboard and I would agree that it isn't the norm, but my point is - it's what she wanted and so I obeyed. She wants me to make her life easier by doing more around the home and so I do. She wants me to cuddle with her and so I do. She wants me to leave the remote in her hands and so I let her choose what we watch. She wants to control our finances and so I give her all of my earnings. She wants me to let her decide when we make love and so I do. She wants me to talk with her and share about my day, and about what I'm thinking and so I do. 
You might say that she's selfish, but so what if she is. Putting her first has put a smile on her face. Putting her first has put a smile on MY face too. Making her the focus of my life has brought so much joy to both of us. Changing my focus from a me-first to a her-first perspective has taught me so much and enriched both of our lives in so many ways.  I am now the man I never knew I could be.  I'm still growing. I still have my faults. I still struggle with being selfish and self-seeking but I see life from a different perspective. I'm a better partner and she loves the change in me as well as the assurance that she doesn't have to fight me should we disagree.
I see now that love is not about getting but giving.  My dear friend who I quoted above has found that to be so true as well. So many other men that blog also express that in various ways - they want what is best for the woman that is at the head of their home. 
For my daughter, I want only the best and this man isn't what is best for her. He's a nice guy. A hard worker, but he's too into himself. I want my girl to have a man that puts her first and I hope that some day she will find that man.  I hate to see her in pain but in the end I think that there is no way to avoid this present hurt as she ends things with him.  Hopefully the next one will demonstrate more loving, caring qualities than her present guy. I can only hope but for now I need to be a supportive dad to help her through this as she desires my help. It's my role. After all, she is a woman and my role now is to do what I can to care for her, both as my daughter as well as one who is to be honored.

I'm Hers

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Parallels between D/s and Periodization

In the world of fitness training there is a concept that is scientifically based called 'Periodization' of training.  It is based off of Hans Selye's discovery of the General Adaptation Syndrome that he first published in 1947.  Basically his theory stated that whenever we encounter a stress (good or bad) it shocks the body but we adapt to that stress and make internal changes both physiologically and/or psychologically to cope with the stressor.  However, if the stress continues our resistance to it will weaken and eventually overcome us, leading ultimately to death.

In it's most simplistic form with respect to weight training we know that if you do 3 sets of 10 of  a select set of exercises you will get stronger, but because the stressor never changes (eg, the reps, sets, and exercises performed remains constant) your body adapts to that and gets use to it. As a result, the rate of strength increase slows significantly.  The Russians and Eastern Block Countries (pre Berlin Wall time) learned that by constantly changing weights, sets, reps, and exercises, strength gains occurred much faster.  This concept became known as the concept of periodization.  Fitness programs were broken up into big segments (periods), little segments (periods) and even tiny segments (day to day periods).

I was doing some reading on this again and looked at it from the perspective of living under Katie's control.  I talked to her about this mentioning that when we do the same things in life (regardless of what they are) it is easy to get ourselves into ruts.  Yes routine is good but routine is like doing 3 sets of 10 all the time.  It leads to reduced performance output. It leads to stagnation. It leads to resistance on the part of the sub.  The goal of periodization is to put off resistance (which in fitness terms we call plateaus) by constantly changing routines so they do not become stagnant.

I will say that Katie and I are stagnant.  I'm not saying it's bad but I am saying that it is routine.  We have our bedtime routine. We have our morning routine. We have our after dinner routine.  I have my work routine and I am sure she has her time alone while I am at work routine too.  Relationships grow not because of routine but because they are kept fresh.  When we go out to a movie it breaks routine. When we visit with friends, sit outside instead of watching TV, take a walk, or work on a new project together, routines are broken.  It's just like fitness. If you want to grow you need to work at injecting change into the routine of the daily life.

There is a balance that needs to exist, in my opinion between change and routine.  Routines have their place but I'm not sure that it is best if there is routine without change every so often.  The purpose of this post is to talk about the need for change an not routine. There is something to be said about the value of routine that builds discipline and structure but that is a post for another time.

So there you have it. The next time your partner injects change into your life take a private moment to thank Hans Selye the endocrinologist.  How appropriate that a doc dealing with glands (hormones) would be the one to enlighten us all in such profound ways.

I'm Hers

Sunday, August 5, 2012

A New Reality

During the past several months I am realizing that this venture of living 'unequally yoked' is becoming an ever present reality.  Katie and I entered in to the idea of me submitting to her authority as an idea that we would try but one that we might leave at some point.  I've come to realize that leaving is not an option anymore.  She loves the control and freedom her position entitles her to, and frankly I love (for who knows what reason) living under that control and serving her as she wishes me to serve her.

Way back when she hoped that she wouldn't end up becoming Katie the bitch but rather remain Katie the one who loves me.  Now, that is not a worry.  No, she has not become a bitch during this transition of power but she has definitely changed in the way that she views us.

We have a few pets and she will feed the dog leftover cat food that she just loves to lick, even if there are only a few morsels on the paper plate she gives her.  Sometimes the plate is left tattered and torn into many pieces.  My role of course is to clean up after the dog the next time I pass by that plate.  When I am gone for a day or two, those plates pile up. Katie use to pick them up but now leaves them for me.  Why? Just because she can.

She spends less time asking me this or that, and has begun to tell me more what she wants of me.  This has even extended into our sleep time. When she rolls my way she has been waking me to tell me to roll away as well so she can cuddle behind me.  A few times she has turned way and told me to roll to hold her.  It's just a little thing, yet it's 'another' thing that has changed.

I use to have a separate credit card but no longer own one in my name only.  The two cards I have list my name but she is the primary owner of the account.  I still have a separate bank account but even that may change soon. I don't know when she will want me to inform my employer to automatically deposit my earnings into her account but I'm fairly certain the time is getting near.

I overheard Katie talking to one of her girlfriends. During their conversation she mentioned that I was preparing dinner for us. It was a small thing but she is much more comfortable letting her friends know that I am the cook in the home - something that she use to do all the time.

Katie's adult daughter often comes over to visit.  She knows too that I am the one that fixes meals, that will fetch her drinks, that offers her food or waits on the two of them while the ladies chat.  Again, these are just small things yet the list continues to grow as Katie continues to change.

This morning she ruined my orgasm, looked at the cum on my abdomen and quietly said, "that's for you to clean up and eat." It use to be awkward for her to tell me that but now it seems so natural for her to remind me what is expected of me when she allows me to orgasm.

I read two posts today on the topics of female authority.  Kathy from Femdom 101 spoke about altering Wills that would impact her husband even after she died (if she passed on before him).  Think about that if you are a sub. That is a profound thing - that Kathy has the right to rule her husband even in her eternal absence!  We have yet to write our wills but I wonder how Katie will approach that when we finally do.

The second post was from the Worshiping your Wife blog. The topic was men changing their names to their wives upon marriage. I don't think Katie will tell me she wants to do that, but if she did, it would be a hard thing for me to do.  Why? Because it's so contrary to how things are done.  The cat would be out of the bag with friends and family that we indeed are living a life that is different than theirs.  I'm sure that once the changes were made and some time for the new norm to settle in, it would be fine but initially that would be a hard thing to do.

I'm digressing a bit but the point of the post is that our relationship is not stagnant.  At times it appears to me that it is, that we adopted a D/s lifestyle made several changes in how we live and now live that way.  But that is not so. Yes we made lots of changes initially but changes continue to be made. Katie continues to change.  She is becoming the woman that I kept telling her I wanted her to become but one in which I had no idea what she would actually be like should she change.  But changing she is.  I think I like the change but there are times when I think she's just going to make me do things, or tell me to do things I am not going to like, approve of or enjoy. I wonder how I will feel about her when those times come - and coming they are. They always do.  I guess I'm just going to have to deal with it and take it like a man :)

Til next time,

I'm Hers

Thursday, August 2, 2012

A Tale of .........

The other day I was sorting through some books I had when Katie quickly glanced at the title of the above book as she passed by. As she walked into the other room she called back asking, "Is that a story of you and Mr. SH?" I smiled. Her question caught me completely off guard. "It might be a good book," was all I could think of saying in reply.
The incident was only a moment in our day yet one I didn't want to forget. I took her words as a compliment as should you, Mr. SH. In some ways, the two of us could write quite the 'good read' for many want-to-be subs or others that have no idea what they are missing out on. I'm sure we may have slightly different perspectives on life but in the end, we are still 'two subs' whose role in life is serving the woman we love.
I just wanted to pass along this simple, yet very profound comment.
Have a great day.
I'm Hers