Thursday, August 16, 2012

Submission is the Only Possible Solution

A couple of months ago I happened to walk in and see my beautiful daughter who is in her 20's sitting with tears running down her cheeks. She was texting her boyfriend.  I asked what was wrong and she just shook her head then proceeded to explain how her boyfriend 'doesn't have a romantic bone is his body'. "He is so in your face with his answers" she went on to say. 
My heart melted as I thought back to when she was a little girl.  She was the one that would greet me when I came home from work with a hug. She was the one that would walk to the front of the yard on a hot day with a full glass of ice tea when she saw me out mowing the yard and sweating. She was the one that just loved to he hugged and held and told how much she was loved.  That was my little girl then and it's still my 'little' girl now. She's just all grown up but still has that same need to be loved. Unfortunately she's fallen in love with a man that has a hard time expressing his love for her in ways that meets her needs.
I was on the phone with my other daughter today and asked how her sister was doing with respect to her relationship with her beau.  She told me that she thinks it's over but that her sister just can't bring herself to break it off.  She told me that this guy keeps telling her that 'he's going to change' but never does.  Oh how I could identify with those words.
I wrote in earlier posts that I am one that came from a failed marriage.  I too heard those same words from my ex-wife. Words that expressed frustration for me not expressing romance, for not taking time to just sit and cuddle, or taking time to talk and share, or taking the initiative to do this or that - all things that she wanted from me - all things that would have made her feel loved.  And I too expressed those same feelings. It was as if neither of us could really do the things the other wanted, nor be the person the other hoped of their spouse and so our marriage deteriorated and then failed.
One of the driving forces that caused me to ask Katie if I could submit to her authority was because I knew that submission was a way for me to be the man that Katie wanted. It was the only way to help me learn to put her first and me a distant second. When I submitted to her rule our relationship deepened. Submission forced me to think of her first, look to her first, consider her first, and be the person she both wanted and now expects. 
There is only only one way that the relationship my daughter is struggling with has any hope of surviving.  It's only going to work and thrive if her man offers his unconditional submission to her - something that I know won't happen.  I find it sad that he just can't see that.  I find it sad that he doesn't know, nor even understand that yielding to the young lady that he is trying to love is the only way - it's is only hope. If only he could put his own desires aside and make her the center of his world, he might have a chance - they might have a chance. If only he would deny himself in lieu of her wants, her needs, her dreams their relationship might reverse course and deepen. If only he opened up his heart to share his hidden secrets, his hurts and seek to understand her as the woman she will there be hope that they will grow close once again and allow time for past hurts to heal. 
I wish he could see all of this but I know that he can't. I wish I could help him see but I don't know him well enough to help and he isn't near me where we can talk face to face. I've wondered about extending help via email but don't know if it's appropriate of if it's best to let the two of them work things out and cut the cords that are already strained.
I've been in a wonderful email conversation with another sub that is so excited about his submission.  He asked his wife to be the authority figure in their home and asked if she would allow him to be in chastity as a way to make her feel less stressed about sex.  Since then, she's controlled their sex life, She now decides if and when they will make love.  He has submitted to her and now she is the authority figure in their home. He gets it. He understands how submitting to her energized their relationship.  He wrote me today and told me this, "I told her the other day that I am so excited just to be waiting on her again and told her all the things I did while she was away such as  laundry, vacuuming the pool, watering plants, trimming bushes, vacuuming in the house, getting meals ready for the boys, picking up and dropping them off as needed,took them to the movies, washing her clothes, changing the bed sheets and leaving her clean clothes on the chair for her for when she arrives plus new towels and wash clothes, plus folded her lingerie and put it on her pillow so she can change for bed without having to open and close drawers. I am so exited she is home and can't wait till I get home from work to start waiting on her again."
If you are one reading this and are considering submitting to your wife, or if you are a man that has no desire to submit to your wife as the dominant figure in the home, at least consider the value of putting her first as you promised when you married her.  I submitted. But you could also say I simply put her first.  I changed my relationship so that my thoughts, my actions, my efforts, now revolve around Katie.  Yes she locked up my cock and did so because she thought that was best for her. Some might think that is a bit overboard and I would agree that it isn't the norm, but my point is - it's what she wanted and so I obeyed. She wants me to make her life easier by doing more around the home and so I do. She wants me to cuddle with her and so I do. She wants me to leave the remote in her hands and so I let her choose what we watch. She wants to control our finances and so I give her all of my earnings. She wants me to let her decide when we make love and so I do. She wants me to talk with her and share about my day, and about what I'm thinking and so I do. 
You might say that she's selfish, but so what if she is. Putting her first has put a smile on her face. Putting her first has put a smile on MY face too. Making her the focus of my life has brought so much joy to both of us. Changing my focus from a me-first to a her-first perspective has taught me so much and enriched both of our lives in so many ways.  I am now the man I never knew I could be.  I'm still growing. I still have my faults. I still struggle with being selfish and self-seeking but I see life from a different perspective. I'm a better partner and she loves the change in me as well as the assurance that she doesn't have to fight me should we disagree.
I see now that love is not about getting but giving.  My dear friend who I quoted above has found that to be so true as well. So many other men that blog also express that in various ways - they want what is best for the woman that is at the head of their home. 
For my daughter, I want only the best and this man isn't what is best for her. He's a nice guy. A hard worker, but he's too into himself. I want my girl to have a man that puts her first and I hope that some day she will find that man.  I hate to see her in pain but in the end I think that there is no way to avoid this present hurt as she ends things with him.  Hopefully the next one will demonstrate more loving, caring qualities than her present guy. I can only hope but for now I need to be a supportive dad to help her through this as she desires my help. It's my role. After all, she is a woman and my role now is to do what I can to care for her, both as my daughter as well as one who is to be honored.

I'm Hers


  1. Nobody has to be or to become submissive to treat his or her special other in a way that she or he feels appreciated, cherished, and loved. There are countless examples of happy vanilla-marriages to disprove your point.

    To say that becoming a submissive is "the only possible solution" for him is ridiculous.


  2. George,
    I respectfully disagree. Or maybe it's just a matter of semantics but to me, submission is about putting another ahead of oneself and that lies at the heart of loving, cherishing, adoring, appreciating. My daughters boyfriend is into himself more than he is into my daughter. He doesn't take the time to call, he doesn't take her out on dates, he doesn't bring her flowers, he doesn't compliment her like she wishes..... all qualities that a vanilla or submissive guy could do but in doing so those qualities lie at the heart of submission.
    I was a vanilla guy and now I'm a submissive guy. I could have done those things when vanilla but failed to do so too many times. Now I think about them all the time and maybe that is what I failed to make clear when I posted. It's not that you need to be submissive to love wholeheartedly but submission sure does make you think about 'her' first all the time and that's what is missing from their relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Stop by again and please post. I love hearing the opinions of others.

  3. I just started reading/following your blog, so I apologize if I'm not totally up to speed. It's obvious that you love your daughters and want them to be happy, but as a wife and mom to a grown daughter, please try not to put your one daughter (or any woman for that matter) in the same category as your bride to be. Not all women who crave affection and romance, want total submission.

    The last thing I would ever do is demean or belittle your decision to be submissive. I'm all about freedom of expression, especially where sexuality is concerned. Case in point: My husband and I both have a dominant and a submissive side. We're obviously not in a WLM/FLR situation, but from a purely sexual perspective, there are times when I want to be the aggressor and my husband enjoys being submissive to me. There are other times when he wants to dominate me sexually and I joyfully submit to him. It's the same for us outside of the bedroom. We both have areas of our life where we are in control and that's what works for us. What really matters is for both partners in a relationship to be on the same page and I don't believe that at all possible without honest and open communication.

    I think the best advice you can give your daughter is to be honest with her boyfriend about what she wants/needs from their relationship. If he blows her off or tells her that's not who he is or what he wants, then she can make an informed decision about whether she wants to stay in the relationship or not.

    Just continue to support and love your daughter and be there for her when she wants you to be. Don't treat her like a porcelain doll. Contrary to what most men think, daughters don't want their fathers to put them on a pedestal. Of course we want to be supported, but we also want to know that we are strong, independent and in charge of our own life. Not worshiped... Just loved and respected.

    I sincerely hope you didn't take offense to anything that I've said. I just wanted to give you the perspective of a woman who's a daughter, a very open wife and the mother of a grown daughter. :) Chelly

  4. Chelly,
    I noticed you just 'subscribed' to this blog. Thank you for joining and I hope that you will comment often. Concerning your post, I don't take offense to what you posted but in fact agree with you completely. I know, and my daughter knows that this relationship is just about dead. However, my point was that it is painful because she saw potential at one point but he changed. He stopped loving her in the ways that he use to and became less concerned about meeting her needs. My daughter is not a domme. She has a strong personality yet she is so giving and so loving. I wish that this guy could have seen how continuing 'to be' as he once was benefited them both.

    As her dad, my job with her at this point in her life is to be someone she can talk to honestly and to whom she knows she will get honest thoughts from my heart. I have never pushed my submissive views on to her but have told her that men need to respect, love, reach out and be chivalrous in how they treat her. I preach that all the time because I think it speaks to a man's character when he acts and respects the women he dates in that way.

    Stop by again and please share again.

  5. The important lesson in all this is that your daughter knows and can express what she needs. This is what she should demand for herself, and not settle for a partner who does not give her what she needs from a relationship, orbwho does not think of her first, all the time. She will save a lot of time by not wasting her heart on someone who does not meet her needs. I wish her all the best in her search for The One.

  6. MsNaydi,
    I agree but feelings play such a strong role in relationships - even ones that aren't ideal. She's been with this guy for a few years. They enjoy one another. They are friends. They fell in love but now are falling out of love. I agree with you that she needs to not settle for less but the pain in all of this is in the decision to fully let go. I hope that she does let go. I hope that she has learned something more about herself. I hope that she does find a man who loves her and is willing to be the kind of man that suits her perfectly.

    Thanks for stopping by and writing - I read each and every one of your blogs as I find your posts quite intellectually stimulating. Thanks!

  7. I can relate to your position, but I think it's wrong to project the desirability any sort of D/s dynamic on your daughter. There are many kind vanilla men out there who can give her exactly what she needs. Ms. Naydi has it right in applauding her for not settling for less than she deserves.

    While I'm commenting here, I'd like to mention something slightly off topic...

    You and I are alike in that we both want to put our wives first in every possible regard, but when you think about it, isn't that action also putting US first as well?

    Consider. Suppose your wife told you that the way she wanted your submission was for you to perform a list of chores every day, while everything else was kept pretty much vanilla. I think you'd agree that it would be an unsatisfying existence.

    Men like us don't merely want to "give ourselves" to our women. We want them to TAKE us, and the more selfishly the better. Sure it's a win-win for both parties, and that's the beauty of a pure Femdom domestic arrangement, but let's not kid ourselves... serving our women is the thing we crave more than anything else. So when they take us, use us, even abuse us, they are doing the giving and we are doing the taking.

    Could anything else be so sublime? It's like eating chocolate that makes you lose weight!



  8. Jake,
    I have no intention to project any D/s on my daughter. With that said, I have every intention of reminding her of her value, of a man's need to court her, be respectful of her, treat her as a woman that deserves to be honored, be gentlemanly (as in open doors, take her coat, pick her up for dates, etc). Now in my mind, those are the same character traits a submissive man should demonstrate to his Domme. The premise of my post was that her beau wasn't putting her first and she could feel that. She could sense it. She realized it and did so for too long - so long that she has gotten to the point that things probably need to end. I don't want her to necessarily live the life of a domme but I sure do hope she finds a man that will love her like no other and in so doing, treat her like a queen - whether it be in a D/s relationship or vanilla one.

    Now, as to your tangent point..... I need to give it some thought but I don't know if I agree with all of it..... I know I don't agree with a woman 'abusing us' and I know that when my Domme wants something, she's not doing it to give me a gift but rather because she wants something (period).

    As an aside, you write well and I intend on reading your posts when I get a chance. Thanks for stopping by

  9. Thanks for the clarification. I guess I reached the conclusion I did by the title of the post and this statement that followed:

    "It's only going to work and thrive if her man offers his unconditional submission to her"

    I think you were driving at the fact that there are many similarities between the way submissive men regard their wives and the way a truly devoted vanilla man would.

    Granted, the vanilla man doesn't necessarily want to be "ordered", let alone punished, and his pulse certainly doesn't quicken when his woman points at her feet with an expectant look in her eye, but the level of devotion, respect, and deference should be essentially the same.

    I was probably guilty of my own lack of clarity with my "abuse" remark, which was meant partially tongue in cheek. I can't speak for you, but I was referring to what the perception of how the outside word would regard my wife caning me if I slip up, or expecting me to jump at the snap of her fingers. If she ever were to do anything which was truly out of bounds (humiliating me in front of our children as an example), THAT would constitute genuine abuse of the highest order.

    Lastly, I was being a bit facetious when I said that "they are doing the giving and we are doing the taking". You're right in the your wife doesn't look at it as "giving" to you in any way. I was just pointing out how sublime a Femdom relationship can be... where the more selfishly the dominant party is, the happier and more content the submissive party becomes.