Saturday, September 22, 2012
I Can Only Imagine
I love to think. I enjoy dreaming and I am a questioning person. I wonder about things. I think about my future and where it is headed with Katie. I love the fact that we’ve found D/s and that it is intricately woven into the fabric of our relationship. I love that our relationship continues to progress as it is an indication that we are both becoming more comfortable with who we are as dominant and submissive partners. I love that Katie both gets it and loves her position as the head of our home. I can say now without a doubt that we will always live this life. Submission is definitely where I belong and Katie has always had dominant tendencies even though she was raised in a traditional household and lived the traditional life of a vanilla mom. She has told me many times that although the majority of homes are 'run' by husbands, it is the wife that makes the majority of the decisions and makes the majority of decisions that affect the family.
I am the one who spends more time thinking about being submissive more so than she does being dominant. I read several blogs daily write blogs, fill my mind with submissive thoughts and feel submissive while doing chores, receiving instruction from her or from the constant reminder of the steel cage that keeps me chaste. Katie, on the other hand, tends to be one that thinks little about this. Rather, she enjoys life as the dominant figure in our home. She doesn't spend lots of time thinking about how she can push me further into submission or how she can extend her dominance yet she is becoming more dominant. Yet her overriding desire is making sure that I remain completely hers and am there to serve her practically and love her unconditionally.
I wonder about us. I have hunches, thoughts, and dreams about where we are going, specifically in certain aspects of our relationship. I dream of her exerting more control and pushing me further into submission – or her into a more dominant role in the following areas
1. Fitness. We are both pretty fit, at least with respect to our body types. Katie regularly exercises aerobically while I pretty much do nothing. Yet my resting heart rate hovers around 60, my sugar and cholesterol levels are healthy and the doc just told me I was quite healthy. Even so, I would not call myself fit as I'm not actively exercising. I hate running even though it's easy to do. Running bores me and to be honest I don't have the cardiovascular fitness that I should have although my body weight and percent fat hasn't changed much in the past 30 years. I do know that Katie loves it when I exercise, specifically when I lift weights because she enjoys muscle and dislikes excessive body fat. I see her at some point telling me that exercise is an expectation that I will be incorporating into my day. It may be body weight exercises, or it working on my abs, or taking time a few days a week to work-out more religiously. This is probably something I should just take the initiative and do, but I dream of her removing those variables and specifying exactly what it is she expects of me with respect to my exercise routine.
2. Chastity: The current expectation is that I am to lock when I get up each morning for work and remain locked until getting into bed. I am not locked during weekends nor at night and this is where I see changes taking place. I don’t know why she allows me weekends free. She knows that locking me makes me hornier, probably because I feel both trapped and owned. She loves the affection I give when this way so I would think that keeping me locked would benefit her more. Chastity works on my psyche. It reminds me more than anything else that I am owned. Yes it’s a visual indicator that my cock belongs to another but I don’t spend time looking at myself in the mirror. Feeling it on; knowing I can’t body hug another; having to sit when urinating; feeling the constriction of the cage when aroused; realizing I can’t board a plane or enter a Federal building without removing it are all reminders that it is owned. It’s that psychological change that is powerful. It has changed me. I now know that my cock has but one real purpose and that is as an instrument for her pleasure. Chastity makes that understanding real and powerful. And so, I imagine my routine of work-day locking only will eventually change. I’m sure the Saturday will come when I wake up and am told to lock up and do so from now on.
3. Finances: Katie now controls much of our finances although I still have a separate checking account and carry both debit and credit cards. Last month the topic of financial control came up and we discussed me having an allowance. We agreed that I can have $40 a month for discretionary spending. The rest of my earnings go to her to manage. When I get paid, I write a check for her to deposit into her account to which I have no access. The account is in her name only. I can use the credit card without asking to fuel the car but otherwise must ask her for permission. Many have discussed this control on other blogs and although we are almost completely ‘there’ with respect to me not ever seeing my earnings, it really doesn’t make me ‘feel’ submissive but it is a significant relinquish of power. This recent change in her now receiving a check for my entire pay makes me realize just how little control I do have as it limits my ability to spend as I wish. For example, a child asked if I would help her with a school fundraiser and purchase cookies. I know the family and so I bought an item for $15. That amount seems so little but my wallet is empty and will remain so until the 30th of the month when I am paid.
So, what change do I see us making? I see me giving my employer a new checking account number for which my funds will be deposited. It won’t change the amount of money she or I have to spend but will simplify the process we currently use. Who would have thought that I would ever be a part of this change?! Yet it is a change I welcome even though it requires me to live frugally.
4. Food: Before meeting Katie I rarely cooked much and my versatility in the kitchen was quite limited. Since she made me responsible for meal preparation I've become somewhat better at it but am still quite limited in the number of dishes that I can put together. Katie has certain foods that she likes and she is easy to please but I know there are other meals that she enjoys that she's never told me to make and perfect. I believe the time will come when she will either develop a list of meals for me to master cooking.
Related to this, is how we will function while hosting parties or having family over for holiday meals or picnics. Currently Katie and I share these responsibilities, with me doing the majority of the work when company arrives. Katie helps some, enough that it's not obvious that I am the submissive partner. Katie’s adult daughter has visited us enough to now know that I am the one that serves drinks and acts as the host whenever she visits. I’m sure she realizes that her mom now doesn’t do much in the kitchen but she knows nothing of our D/s relationship. I'm not suggesting that our D/s lifestyle needs to go public but I see Katie becoming more comfortable in time to allow friends and family see that she doesn't do meal prep or fetch food or drink when I am there to do it on her behalf. Questions will probably arise when others see me as the one cooking and serving the Christmas turkey or Easter ham and I’m pretty sure that it won’t be long until she makes it my responsibility to be solely in charge of all social functions we host with friends and family. I envision Katie being the entertainer; the one socializing with others, while I assume the role of waiter. I relish the idea, but this one I don't see coming to fruition as soon as some others I've written about might.
5. Fantasy play: We don't do fantasy play. We don't do scene play. We don't use ropes or dress up in anyway shape or form when having fun in the bedroom. I wish we did. At least did so every now and then. Why, because it just sounds fun. I've hinted at having her tie me down and she did once - well she tried once, but her knots were as tight as butter on hot beans! They came loose with the slightest tug. Oh well. I don't know if this is her thing or not but she is such a fun-loving person that I think she would enjoy teasing me or enjoying the complete control of my restrained body to do as she wished. Will we ever go there? I don't know but I think it would be fun if we did every now and then.
6. Increased sexual tension. Just last week Katie gave me a ruined orgasm and I wonder if it's going to dramatically change her view of how long she denies me orgasms. The following day I asked if she is considering denying me longer and she told me she has no plan to allow me an orgasm. I may be denied until the summer for all I know. I am curious to see what she does with this in the future. I hope she allows me releases periodically but that is up to her. I do envision her giving me ruined orgasms or just bring me to the edge of one, if for no other reason to see the lust in my eyes as I near ejaculation. In that same vein, I see her realizing the benefit of taking a few minutes to play to increase my horniness toward her. Again, the psychological 'not knowing' what to expect is the power she can hold if she wants to weld and play with that power. It’s just another way for her to show me just how dependent I am on her and thus demonstrate her dominance over me in a loving way.
So, I have a dream. I see possibilities. I see change still on the horizon. Whether or not any or all come true I have no idea but I see benefits for her and I both in each of the above areas. One of the things I am learning as a submissive is trust. I am learning to trust and rely on her. She is a wise woman and I know she will wisely move us if she feels it will allow us to become even more in love with one another.