Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Feeling the Tug of Her Leash
A week or so ago, Kathy from Femdom 101 posted this statement:
"The foundation of our relationship is love, but also respect for authority. It is important for John to know that wherever he is, day or night, he is not only loved but owned as well as controlled. He needs to feel the collar around his neck, and know that I am holding the other end of the leash."
I like this thought.In fact I love those words. I think there is so much truth in what Kathy has to say and I believe it speaks to the desire of many submissive men when they use words like 'subspace' or 'feeling submissive', yet I think the intent of her statement goes much much deeper and has nothing to do with the kink associated with some D/s couples.
I took her statement to be speaking of a figurative leash, rather than a literal one. She notes that "he needs to feel the collar around his neck." I thought about that statement that for several days. To me, feeling a collar denotes ownership. We collar cats and dogs. We do so because we put tags on them so that should they get lost, they can be returned to their proper owner. I don't wear a collar and probably never will but I do wear a ring. It was given to me to remind me that I am owned; that I belong to another and that I am a submissive man. I love wearing that ring because it signifies to me exactly who I am. Having worn it for so many months now, I often take it for granted, yet there are times when I just fondle it, look at it or hold it in my hand and realize the significance that it holds for me. Collars would have similar meaning but probably give the wearer an even stronger reminder since they are not as commonly worn as a ring. Regardless, both represent a type of branding. I would think that being locked in chastity would be akin to rings and collars as well. They denote something by their physical presence on a man - ownership.
The phrase that kept going through my mind was 'feeling the tug of the leash'. Kathy didn't use that phrase specifically but I kept thinking about a leash and the retaining effect it has on another. I talked to Katie about that, indicating I wise I think it is for her to tug on the leash that connects me to her. Tugs are reminders. They indicate a type of restraint. They denote limits. They instantly correct. They force the leashed to conform. When walking a dog, the owner directs the animal by how much reign is given to the leash. Leashes keep the pet from doing what it wants. It forces it to go where the owner goes. It reminds the dog who is in charge.
Tugs do that as well. When do I feel tugs? Lots of times. Often they aren't very strong, yet they are continuously present throughout my day. Here is a quick list that applies to me. I'm sure you have you own list that may be similar or quite different than mine.
1. The ring I put on each morning reminds me daily of my submissiveness and ownership
2. Chastity - I often don't want to lock up yet it's what is expected and I deal with it when the cage is on and the fact that it is on, continually reminds me that I am not a typical man. I am not like most. I am owned and controlled. And willingly so.
3. Orgasm denial - as much as I enjoy making love, there is nothing like the reminder that I can't experience what she is experiencing. It's a powerful reminder of who is in charge and that I am there to enjoy, but also to obey and please another.
4. Morning chores - she starts her day caring for her, and so do I. By straightening, organizing, cleaning up after her, and tending to her while she readies herself for the day the tug of this helps me focus on her as I too start my day.
5. Meal preparation - I separated this from other chores because it involves work on my part while she deliberately rests, waits, or does other things she wishes to do while I make her a meal.
6. Massages - These take effort and although they don't always make me feel owned, they do in certain circumstances. The other day we made love. As soon as we were finished Katie rolled over and said, 'now give me a massage'. That was a tug. When I'm really tired and it's midnight and she tells me to massage me, I feel her tug because it's not what I want to do. I massage while I covertly yawn and try to stay awake while she rests and enjoys my touch.
7. Being told what to do. This could involve almost anything from being told to 'wait here' to being told that we are done, or that she's going to drive, or that it's time for bed, etc. It's the being told that re-instills the power difference that exists between us.
8. Being admonished. This doesn't happen much but when it does, it's a 'firmer' tug on that leash.
9. Being told how our (her) money is being spent. We work together on this but she ultimately decides.
10. Being told that we are going to do this or that when I wish to do something else - like watch a football game.
11. Having to pass all blog posts past her eyes for approval before posting and having to change whatever she deems necessary.
Tugs are those things that remind me I have limits; that she is more important; that I am there to serve, respect, adore and love; that her needs come first. Tugs make sure I know that I am indeed owned and controlled by my lover and best friend, who happens to be my Domme as well.
So that's what feeling the tug means to me. As to why I feel it's important goes back to something I mentioned a few posts ago, that we are lazy by nature. That we only do as little as we are asked to do. In that line, to be controlled only a bit will result in little control by the owner. If I never feel the firm yank of her tug every now and then I feel more free and less owned. I don't think that is a wise way to rule a home. I'm not saying that Katie needs to yank on my leash in a mean way but to yank on it every month or so strongly will do nothing but increase my obedience and service to her and ironically enhance the depth of my love and commitment to her as well.
In recent posts by a Queen and her Knight, Angelique has conveyed how much closer she is with her husband and how much more focused he is on his life in general when she exerts her dominant influence over him. I see myself in a similarly. It's easy to just have a laze fair attitude. It's easy to relax and not stay focused as I should. For example, today Katie had me outside trimming trees and hauling the trimmed limbs to the curb to be picked up. While lugging one load out I thought of the list of items still needing done and thought, "I'd never get this all done if left to my own druthers." I need her to push me. I need her to keep me from shirking my responsibility. In that sense, I welcome her tugging on that leash to make me do what needs doing.
So the point to this is that a man needs the firm, loving hand of a woman. He needs to feel that hand. He needs to know that her wielding it is but an instant away if her force needs to be exerted. But when this power is in the hands of a woman who loves and owns a submissive man such as myself it enhances the love and depth of intimacy in that relationship. It keeps the man's heart and mind focused on the woman he loves and I believe it does the same for the woman as well. Feeling a leash is not a bad thing. It is a fantastic thing.