Friday, October 12, 2012
I entitled this post as I did because that is where I am and have been for some time. – just ‘being’. Not moving, not doing things differently, not progressing or digressing, just living life without change. I’m being. I’m there. It’s where we are – living.
It’s been almost two and a half years since I first submitted to Katie’s authority. I was clueless. She was clueless. We had no idea where we’d end up. We experimented and tried things this way, then that way, until she decided what she wanted. She did more while I told her to do less. She asked me to do things while I encouraged her to just tell me. Now she does what she wants and I accept it. I started a blog to share, reflect but mostly just to process thoughts and keep my state of mind focused on submission. It worked and I’d encourage you the reader to consider this, or a personal journal as well. I encouraged Katie to write and contribute to the blog as well but she never has. Now I know not to ask as it isn’t an interest of hers. I sought out insight from other Dommes, one of whom would love to meet the two of us. Katie has no interest and so I know I will never meet a woman that helped me more than anything.
I could go on and on but leave it to say that there have been months where things have changed in our lives with respect to D/s, chastity, orgasm denial, the way we make love, even how we cuddle while sleeping. Chores, directives, finances, and decisions of life have all evolved since early 2010. But now we have hit a place where we've plateaued. No changes. Nothing different. Just enjoying life without the expectation of something new on the horizon. I wrote a few months ago about ‘hunches and hopes’ of new changes to come but none have. So I’m just being. I’m not a literary guru but if I remember correctly the verb ‘to be’ is a passive one. It implies status quo. It implies being at rest and that is where I am. That is where we are. And I am very very happy just being right now. There is something very quiet and content in my heart at the moment in being. I know my role. I know what she expects. I know that this is my life. I know that nothing may ever change – ever – and I have concluded that my life right now is in a wonderful place. I just hope Katie feels the same.
So I write this to those of you that may identify with where I am but more so to those who are on that path of excitement, change and newness where your life is characterized by things evolving all the time. You know that won’t always happen. You know that somewhere along the line you too will settle into a routine in which you can pretty much expect what’s coming from day to day. You know that you will soon have internalized what she expects of you; what your chores are; what your behavior is expected to be; and in what ways she expects you to to make her life happier. Life won’t always be an unknown. It can’t be. Change is good but routine is better and eventually you will end up right here. Right here where I am.
It’s now mid October. I haven’t’ had an orgasm since August 1 and I don't even care about when the next one comes. Even in that respect I am being. Making love with Katie is the best. I wish for nothing more and enjoy every time we make love, yet I know that my purpose is to make love until she is fully satisfied and until I am almost satisfied. In the end, we both experience what we want – an intimate experience that completely satisfies. Yes, she reaches orgasm, usually several times but she makes me feel so close to her emotionally as well as physically. How odd it is to say that I now am satisfied not reaching orgasm but only the edge of one. Yet that is our routine. It’s how we do it. It’s what she wants. It’s what I have come to want. I am content. I miss consuming but other than that, it’s a wonderful place to be.
I love being. Maybe I'm getting old but I think it's much much more than that. I am content and that my friend is a wonderful place to be.
Enough for now, I need to sign off as my computer wants to restart in 10 minutes for some reason