Friday, November 9, 2012

Feeling Blue

I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself lately at times. I think I know the reason but wanted to write my thoughts down for others that are thinking of a life of chastity and submission. At All Times just wrote a post in which he referenced the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’. There is a blog by that name as well.

The ‘be careful what you wish for’ that I’m thinking about now is just that – that I hoped to be where I am now – locked in chastity and only able to orgasm or touch myself when permitted to do so by my Mistress. I may just be feeling moody, and that’s probably the case but I’m at Day 98. It’s been a while since I orgasmed. I’ve only been permitted one ruined orgasm during this period. I have been told that I won’t be cumming until at least the first of the year and possibly longer and right now that seems like a long way off. Sometimes it seems like it's way way off.

Yes, I asked for this. All of this. I wanted to be denied if it meant her becoming more dominant and me more submissive. I want her to feel comfortable being in control of her life, me and of life in general. And she has. She is more comfortable and secure. I have seen the transformation. The other night she told me to put on some oil so she could mount my cock and enjoy herself. It’s my favorite of all positions because I can watch her and she is so beautiful to watch. She grabbed the headboard and proceeded to orgasm more than once, using me and grinding on me just the way it felt nicest for her before climbing off. I am certain that she wouldn't have felt so free and comfortable to do that if she didn’tknow deep inside that she indeed owns me and can enjoy what is hers however she wants.

I love it when she expresses herself like this. I love seeing her so free and open to be who she is. I love being under the thumb of a woman that has self esteem, another term I use interchangeably with confidence. I love knowing that she will speak her mind, that she now expects more and asks less. I love knowing she is self assured because I get to see the real her. I get to experience Katie as she was meant to be known. She keeps less in side and expresses more and it pulls me so close to her when she reveals her inner self.

But to get back to what I was saying – I asked to be locked longer and she decided she’d comply with my wishes. She now likes me being denied. She believes it makes me more doting and affectionate. She likes that I want to cuddle and hold her. She likes me locking up each morning but wants me unlocked at night both so she can enjoy what’s hers but moreso because she doesn’t like the feel of steel next to her. Oh, she loves feeling it during the day when she hugs me and pushes her hips in tight against me. It's her way of checking that I am wearing the Jailbird but I think she also enjoys the feel of the steel when she thrusts tight against me. That steel is now apart of me. It's part of who I am and is a symbol to both of us of my submission and obedience to her as the dominant.

Yes, it was me that asked for this, I even threw out the idea of not orgasming until the spring or summer of 2013 a couple of months ago and who knows if that is in the back of her mind. I have no idea. That seems like an eternity away and right now, I’m feeling confined. I want out. I want release. I want to cum. I want to be able to touch just because I know it will feel good to do so. But I can’t and that’s my struggle – in part.

The other part, well it’s also something that I asked for – the being her servant part. I asked if I could assume kitchen and laundry responsibilities. I asked if I could be the perfect gentleman and serve her throughout the day, always thinking about her wants. I asked that she speak her mind and feel free to have me work on her behalf and do anything she didn’t care to do. Katie graciously responded‘yes' to all of my offers and had me write them down. That yes seems like it was an eternity ago. There is no more newness to all this. I am the cook. Period. I keep the kitchen clean. Period. I do the laundry – cleaning, folding, putting away. Period. I wait and put her first always. Period. It’s our life and Katie quite enjoys it. And to be honest, so do I most of the time.

The other day we had just spent several hours in the yard. Katie told me to water the plants while she went inside. I obeyed and stood for the next half hour giving each plant a healthy drink. As soon as I came in and cleaned up, Katie told me she wanted dinner and what it was I was to fix. It was at that point I sighed inside. It was the first time in a long, long time that I sighed and wished I didn’t have to fix a meal. I just wanted to be lazy. That was a week ago and I’ve had these feelings off and on a few times since. This morning I am away from home sitting in my room writing. I spent the night locked. I’m locked now. I’m almost at day 100. I'm feeling that feeling. I wish things were different right now. I wish I was unlocked and I could be. The lock is only a screw and I can take it out anytime I want. Yet I know I can't. If I did, it would be wrong. Her trust in me would be broken. My trust in my self would be broken. I need to remain obedient.

But I know this is just a mood I’m in. I really don’t want things different. I really don’t ever want to not be her sub. I really would never want Katie to not be the dominant partner. Maybe what I really need as to feel her dominance even more. Maybe I need the very thing I’m complaining about to get my head straightened out. Maybe I need even more control to rid my mind of these desires to be independent. I don’t know. I'll let her decide if she needs to intervene and make any adjustments to get me back on the straight and narrow. I wonder if my feelings of wanting more freedom are because she has not done anything recently to assert herself or to make me submit by demonstrating her dominance. Katie is not one to assert but it’s not like it’s out of her realm to do so. On the contrary, she can be quite assertive if she needs to be but she rarely shows that part of her personality.

Katie will approve this post. It's what is expected of me before I post anything. She will know my feelings. No I haven’t voiced them to her previously but she has heard my sighs more than once recently. Now she will know the reason for them. I’m sure that I’ll get over this. It’s not a big deal but for those of you that want to experience a life of long term denial and want to live a life of service – forever – to the woman you love, make sure you think your aspirations through carefully. What starts as fun and games initially will one day become routine. And as Katie has told me many times‘what woman wouldn’t love this life’ – meaning – she isn’t ever giving up her role as Domme, and for me that means I will live out my life as her sub.

Stepping back and removing myself from this emotional glitch I’m feeling right now, I want the same thing because it is who I am – a sub. I need to be owned by a woman that loves me.

I’m Hers

9 comments:

  1. Dear IH,
    Your post is really strikes a nerve with me. The relationship you have with Kate is exactly what i (and perhaps many, many others) seek. If only more women understood how many of us there are, and how to find us, what a happy world it would be. On the other hand, perhaps i too am only wishing, and am not being careful about it.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences.

    marissa

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    1. Marissa,
      My only advice for you then is to take it slow. We decided to have a trial period of a year before we embraced this life more completely. I don't know that after the end of that period we ever formally said 'this is it', but we both had the time to realize that we were both Domme and sub respectfully. From there we progressed slow, a lot slower than I wanted to progress but we progressed slowly because that is what Katie wanted. And in hindsight I am glad. It wasn't until the past year that she has denied me more longterm and for that I am glad too.

      So talk to your Domme. Make sure you two both have your heads on the same page and see where it leads. Thanks for taking the time to write.

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  2. Ive read a number of femdom related posts over the years, but this is probably the deepest one I've come across to date. I'm thumb typing this comment on my iPhone at the moment and will probably respond more fully to this subject on my own blog, but for now ill say this...

    You know how many men of our ilk engage in "stealth submission"? Oddly, I think you're stuck in a variation of that. In both cases, the situation isn't very satisfying. I think you need for Katie to be not so much matter-of-factly telling you what to do, but to be more openly reveling in the power she has over you.

    Speaking for myself, it's not enough for me to "give myself" to my queen. I need for her to "take me". There's a huge difference.

    Best,

    Jake


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    1. Jake,
      I would love to be taken - even just every now and then. I've read a few of your posts to Katie - the one about eating Kale came to mind as one we both enjoyed. I think what I love about your post is that you are taken at times. There are times when your wife takes you - maybe it's by caning you (something I really don't want) to forcing you to work out, to making you eat a food type you don't particularly enjoy.

      I alluded briefly to that in my post - that maybe I need to be feel more dominated than less - to get back on the straight and narrow. It's hard for Katie to 'be' that person tho. It's not who she is. And so I don't think I will feel that from her any time soon. Oh well. But I agree with what you are saying. I look forward to reading more of what you have to say when you address this in your blog. Take care.

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  3. I think what you're alluding to is certainly not and uncommon thing. I am not sure that most submissive men will ever be truly happy with their lot, always wanting more. To me submission and subspace is like a drug, the more you are given the more you want. What once satisfied your urge, your need, now needs to be surpassed. Maybe that's why most women are afraid of giving their men too much of what they want, because they dont know where it will end and goes far beyond what they might enjoy.

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  4. I'm not so sure about that AAT. I don't know that I need more more more but rather the strong corrective hand from her telling me "knock it off" and do what you are supposed to do. But I will say that the thought of experiencing "being taken" as QTK wrote prior to you does appeal to me and so in that sense there may be this desire to go even further down this path. I don't want it to be a lose lose situation for either of us and I think that is something worth discussing amongst ourselves. Thanks for the insight.

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  5. No relatinship is ever perfect. We all want slightly different things at various times. Yet, for my John there are a few constants in the world.
    In the long run John understands the importance of being owned by a lady who truly loves him. There are Saturdays when he would rather golf then clean house. There are times when he would rather be lazy than perform his chores.
    This is where the value of love and discipline come into the mix. Yes, there are some day when his duties are forgiven. Yes, there are other days when John strugles through his routines because of the rules and regulations of the house. These rules and regualtions are at the core of what I call domestic discipline. Love, Kathy

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  6. Kathy,
    You know I love each and every time you share because you make me think and you speak from years of experience as well as from a woman that has lived long - and that's a good thing :)

    I wish I could be a fly on the way in your home. I wish I could watch how you two interact. I wish I could see how 'normal' you two live as well as how you, in particular, live as the dominant, since it is your watchful eye that determines if correction and/or complimenting is needed with John. I would love to see how you handle the difficult stuff as that is at the root of what I am not sure if Katie sees as important to let things go with me. She has expectations and yet she is quite easy with me when I screw up, pretty much telling me "you forgot to do this," or "next time don't do it that way", etc. I don't know that I've ever been punished or made to correct my errors in ways that would indicate that I am submitting to her.

    Yet we are still infants in this power exchange and still learning. Thank you for sharing.

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  7. That is a very sweet comment. You know it takes a great deal of love to be a mistress wife. There are some men who are deserving of a woman's love, and some who are not. For me John is one of those very special caring men who lives to please. That is not to say that everything is perfect. John is still a man whcih means he often needs the guidance of a woman in order to do his best. This, I beleive, is almost a universal truth with men.

    We didn't grow up with the idea of being mistress wives. For me learning to be a mistress was a learned experience. I am not a feminist. I am not into women's lib of any kind. For me femdom is aobut the relationship between one man and one woman. If it were not for my special freinds I could not have made that difficult journey from wife to mistress wife.

    I beleive in God, in family, and in the value of discipling a man. In many situtions I feel that young women of today fail in their responsibilties to their family by allowning a husband too much freedom, by failling to set limits on certain behaviors, and by failing to care. The new age male that I often talk about on Femdom 101 craves the dicipline that only a loving wife can provide.

    Kathy

    Love, Kathy

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