Friday, November 9, 2012
I’ve been feeling a little sorry for myself lately at times. I think I know the reason but wanted to write my thoughts down for others that are thinking of a life of chastity and submission. At All Times just wrote a post in which he referenced the saying ‘be careful what you wish for’. There is a blog by that name as well.
The ‘be careful what you wish for’ that I’m thinking about now is just that – that I hoped to be where I am now – locked in chastity and only able to orgasm or touch myself when permitted to do so by my Mistress. I may just be feeling moody, and that’s probably the case but I’m at Day 98. It’s been a while since I orgasmed. I’ve only been permitted one ruined orgasm during this period. I have been told that I won’t be cumming until at least the first of the year and possibly longer and right now that seems like a long way off. Sometimes it seems like it's way way off.
Yes, I asked for this. All of this. I wanted to be denied if it meant her becoming more dominant and me more submissive. I want her to feel comfortable being in control of her life, me and of life in general. And she has. She is more comfortable and secure. I have seen the transformation. The other night she told me to put on some oil so she could mount my cock and enjoy herself. It’s my favorite of all positions because I can watch her and she is so beautiful to watch. She grabbed the headboard and proceeded to orgasm more than once, using me and grinding on me just the way it felt nicest for her before climbing off. I am certain that she wouldn't have felt so free and comfortable to do that if she didn’tknow deep inside that she indeed owns me and can enjoy what is hers however she wants.
I love it when she expresses herself like this. I love seeing her so free and open to be who she is. I love being under the thumb of a woman that has self esteem, another term I use interchangeably with confidence. I love knowing that she will speak her mind, that she now expects more and asks less. I love knowing she is self assured because I get to see the real her. I get to experience Katie as she was meant to be known. She keeps less in side and expresses more and it pulls me so close to her when she reveals her inner self.
But to get back to what I was saying – I asked to be locked longer and she decided she’d comply with my wishes. She now likes me being denied. She believes it makes me more doting and affectionate. She likes that I want to cuddle and hold her. She likes me locking up each morning but wants me unlocked at night both so she can enjoy what’s hers but moreso because she doesn’t like the feel of steel next to her. Oh, she loves feeling it during the day when she hugs me and pushes her hips in tight against me. It's her way of checking that I am wearing the Jailbird but I think she also enjoys the feel of the steel when she thrusts tight against me. That steel is now apart of me. It's part of who I am and is a symbol to both of us of my submission and obedience to her as the dominant.
Yes, it was me that asked for this, I even threw out the idea of not orgasming until the spring or summer of 2013 a couple of months ago and who knows if that is in the back of her mind. I have no idea. That seems like an eternity away and right now, I’m feeling confined. I want out. I want release. I want to cum. I want to be able to touch just because I know it will feel good to do so. But I can’t and that’s my struggle – in part.
The other part, well it’s also something that I asked for – the being her servant part. I asked if I could assume kitchen and laundry responsibilities. I asked if I could be the perfect gentleman and serve her throughout the day, always thinking about her wants. I asked that she speak her mind and feel free to have me work on her behalf and do anything she didn’t care to do. Katie graciously responded‘yes' to all of my offers and had me write them down. That yes seems like it was an eternity ago. There is no more newness to all this. I am the cook. Period. I keep the kitchen clean. Period. I do the laundry – cleaning, folding, putting away. Period. I wait and put her first always. Period. It’s our life and Katie quite enjoys it. And to be honest, so do I most of the time.
The other day we had just spent several hours in the yard. Katie told me to water the plants while she went inside. I obeyed and stood for the next half hour giving each plant a healthy drink. As soon as I came in and cleaned up, Katie told me she wanted dinner and what it was I was to fix. It was at that point I sighed inside. It was the first time in a long, long time that I sighed and wished I didn’t have to fix a meal. I just wanted to be lazy. That was a week ago and I’ve had these feelings off and on a few times since. This morning I am away from home sitting in my room writing. I spent the night locked. I’m locked now. I’m almost at day 100. I'm feeling that feeling. I wish things were different right now. I wish I was unlocked and I could be. The lock is only a screw and I can take it out anytime I want. Yet I know I can't. If I did, it would be wrong. Her trust in me would be broken. My trust in my self would be broken. I need to remain obedient.
But I know this is just a mood I’m in. I really don’t want things different. I really don’t ever want to not be her sub. I really would never want Katie to not be the dominant partner. Maybe what I really need as to feel her dominance even more. Maybe I need the very thing I’m complaining about to get my head straightened out. Maybe I need even more control to rid my mind of these desires to be independent. I don’t know. I'll let her decide if she needs to intervene and make any adjustments to get me back on the straight and narrow. I wonder if my feelings of wanting more freedom are because she has not done anything recently to assert herself or to make me submit by demonstrating her dominance. Katie is not one to assert but it’s not like it’s out of her realm to do so. On the contrary, she can be quite assertive if she needs to be but she rarely shows that part of her personality.
Katie will approve this post. It's what is expected of me before I post anything. She will know my feelings. No I haven’t voiced them to her previously but she has heard my sighs more than once recently. Now she will know the reason for them. I’m sure that I’ll get over this. It’s not a big deal but for those of you that want to experience a life of long term denial and want to live a life of service – forever – to the woman you love, make sure you think your aspirations through carefully. What starts as fun and games initially will one day become routine. And as Katie has told me many times‘what woman wouldn’t love this life’ – meaning – she isn’t ever giving up her role as Domme, and for me that means I will live out my life as her sub.
Stepping back and removing myself from this emotional glitch I’m feeling right now, I want the same thing because it is who I am – a sub. I need to be owned by a woman that loves me.