Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Insecure Moments

I can be an insecure person at times. I guess we all have our moments. When I get frustrated, hurt, irritated or mad, my initial reaction is to clam up. I just keep those feelings inside. I'm sure the reason I do this is because I don't like conflict. I'd rather deal with the frustration of not having it the way I want it than to have to tell another that I don't like the choice you made that has got me all flustered inside.

Now, I'm not this way with everyone. I speak my mind to those I feel I have power, age and authority over but with my peers, my coworkers, my friends, well that's a different story. I don't express as I should in certain situations. So where am I going with this? Well, I've had this note saved in an email draft for months now and I decided to write about something between Katie and I that occurred months ago that gave me a blog post idea.

Ever since the Fall of 2011 we have been slowly renovating and cleaning and sorting through items in Katie's home. We have made tremendous strides in the process. One part of the house that was particularly cluttered was her garage. We spent hours on it and got it to what I would call a manageably clean garage when she decided to tackle another project. As a part of that undertaking, Katie told me to take 'this stuff' (and there was a lot of it) and store it in the garage. I couldn't believe it! We had just cleaned the garage and now she wanted to mess it up again. Oh I was so bothered. I didn't say anything to indicate how I was feeling but rather did what she said. Well I kind of did what she said. I decided to put all of that stuff on the floor all over the place just so a half of the garage looked totally cluttered rather than stack and organize those times neatly. (Psychologists call that being passive aggressive - and I can be pretty good at expressing that personality type when I want :). Well the garage looked a mess and what really flustered me was that Katie seemed fine with the mess being just as I had made it out there.

Of course I did my adult version of pouting. I became quiet. I didn't smile and talk as much. I didn't make the normal eye contact with her. I was pretty much being a baby about the whole thing. When she asked me what was wrong I lied. I said "nothings wrong," which was not the truth at all. I was pissed at her.
So, here's my question: Should I (should you) be completely honest to your Domme when you encounter a similar situation or should you do what I did and just deal with it? Now granted I didn't deal with it the way I should have. I didn't embrace her decision and I probably should have. But should you make the choice that I did, is that an OK choice to make. I mean, I got over it within a few hours. It wasn't a relationship ending issue in our lives. It was just (what I felt was)a stupid choice that she made but one that she felt was a logical one that got into my craw and irked me.

In the end we did talk about it, and in the end, nothing has moved from that garage. It's still there. It's still a mess. I think I may have organized some of it but it's basically still there, and she seems to be OK with it being as it is. Maybe at the heart of all this is a real feeling of being powerless. I don't like not having power. I say I don't mind but in reality being told to do something I wish not to do is not fun. It grates against my old will to control. I sure hope I come to grips with that since submission is all about obedience and being owned - which implies a loss of power.

Note: I Read this post to Katie to approve and she bucked at the phrase 'stupid choice' since she felt it was quite a logical one. She turned the question on me and asked me, what I thought was the better choice to make given what I had described. I didn't have a good answer. We talked about what she expects I should do the next time a similar situation occurs. She told me to express my thoughts and if I she still decided to do something I don't agree with to deal with it and embrace it rather than pouting about it. Katie reminded me it's not my place to pout, that worrying about how the garage looks is not my concern. It is hers and she would much rather me embrace and back her choices than fight her.

So, we had a good conversation. It was brief and she was to the point but I nevertheless understood her point of view and saw the logic behind her thinking.
I'm Hers

10 comments:

  1. I have had situations like that with my wife, where she simply wants something a certain way - an aesthetic choice - and I have the completely opposite view. Over the past four years, after I began acknowledging her superior leadership talents in our marriage, I have had numerous instances of pouting over a "bad" decision I didn't like. In hindsight, I realized they were all really about me letting go of control.

    Now, whenever I feel that way, I try a number of different tacks: (1) I simply remind myself that our marriage works better when she has the final say, (2) if I think she is making a "wrong" decision, I politely mention why without having her lose face, (3) if she persists or it really is just an aesthetic decision where there is no "right or wrong", then I try to see it from her perspective and embrace her decision.

    I am a fairly driven person, but not as much as she is. So I make sure I get my fulfilment in completing projects around the house that mean a lot to me, but I do mention ahead of time to her what I want to do (she almost never says no, just redirects my time priorities!). But then I realize there are projects that she wants done, and I really try to make an effort to get to those first. I might not get much fulfilment from them objectively speaking, but knowing that's what she wants done is what motivates me.

    So in this case, it does seem you had superimposed your own goals over what she wanted done. If you are like me and have agreed, and daily continue to agree, that her's is the final word, then you judging her decision does run counter to that. That may be okay for many couples, but I've personally found happiness in just letting her lead and me reorienting my view on things to support her decisions.

    Fanstastic blog, by the way. I do intend to comment on your "elephant in the room" entry!

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    1. Anonymous, I love your response. My comment has nothing to do with what you wrote but rather as I was reading it I kept thinking "now here is an intelligent guy". You write well. You had good things to say. You thought this over and I do appreciate it. With respect to your comment I do agree that it's all about 'giving up' control, or 'letting go' or deferring or whatever you want to call the process of relinguishing power to her.



      I have one request and that is when you write again (and I say that to all of the 'anonymous' writers that read this), sign your post with some made up name. That way I can separate the various anonymous people from one another. So choose a name - could be Mickey Mouse. It really doesn't matter but it would help me to get to know you as a person rather than just one I can't tell from another. Think about it.

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    2. Thanks for the compliment! I occasionally post under the handle "Devoted Hubby" on the At Her Feet Forum, and will do so here.

      Devoted Hubby

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  2. Something you overlooked was the fact that our (m-f) brains are wired differently. This, in spite of the fact that Katie has the dominant role in your relationship. As far as moving junk out into the garage, she obviously places more significance on the area the junk was removed from. In the garage, it is out of sight- out of mind. Perhaps if she was using the garage to park her car in, it would be a different story.

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    1. "Perfessor" Jeff,

      Thank you for your comment - and thank you for commenting. I appreciate the time that readers take to respond more than you know. I'm sure that I was irritated because I had just put in the effort to clean the space that she wanted to clutter up. I do agree that looking at it from her perspective made perfect sense. The stuff needed to go somewhere and the garage is a low priority location compared to inside the house where others would see a neat vs. a cluttered room. Stop by again and take the time to share again.

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  3. Learning to serve is a fine art. It dosen't come easy. It dosen't come over night or all at once. It is easy to say 'as you wish mistress", but learning to live by those words dosen't come easy. Learning to see your mistress as the love of your life, and the light of your world is what it is all about.

    slave john

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    1. slave john, I want you to know that I enjoy it when you are permitted to write responses, not that I don't enjoy when Kathy does because I do. She is a wise woman and one that I enjoy digesting her thoughts. But you are a man that has lived the life, and one that I imagine is quite similar to mine, or what I expect mine to be like by the time I reach your age. I have you pegged at age67 but that's just my guess. I'm about 10 younger than that.

      But to your comment, serving is hard work. I agree. It's not so hard to do when a change has just been made but to serve day after day, knowing that 'this is the norm' now can be challenging to say the least. We all have our ups and downs but as a sub or slave, it's like you can't have a down time as the requirements dont change. And I assume that is where love enters the equation, when you serve just because she is the love of your life and the light of your world. I liked that pharase when I read your comment.

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  4. You know i am not a wise man. i am really stupid. It was about a dozen years ago i cheated on Kathy by having a relationship with a dominatrix. As the result of my foolish actions we were separated for many months. It was the darkest time of my life. When Kathy accepted me back into her life it was as if a light had been turned on. The best part was that she didn't try to change me. She accepted me with all of my faults as well as submissve needs. She is the one who changed. She learned to be the mistress that i needed.

    slave john

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  5. John,
    Just because you did something stupid doesn't make you a stupid person. Haven't we all done stupid things in our lives? I know I've done so hundreds of time. I never cheated on Katie but I did flirt online inappropriately and was caught by her redhanded. It was the only time she has ever beatened me and I will never forget that day. But I learned as I am sure you have as well. To me, the stupid person is the one that doesn't learn. I am sure you have. You sound as if you are eternally greatful as you should be. You have lived a life that few have lived - for as long as you and because of that both you and Kathy have wisdom to share with those of us that are so new to this lifestyle.

    Thank you for your honesty. I can tell you are such a man and I admire that quality. I hope you stop by often. Have a wonderful day.

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  6. This whole femdom thing worked for us becasue Kathy insisted on real obedience. There was no play acting. If i did something wrong there was punishment.It wasn't one of those fun punishments. i did corner time until every bone in my body hurt. She had me dig in the back yard until i was exhausted. When a punishment assignment was complet she would show mercy. She didn't trust me with money. When left alone there was a special alarm code so that i couldn't leave the house. She thought of me as the person she loved, yet couldn't trust. Her general feeling was that men in general did not have the inner strength to resist temptation. Much of this is true. Over time i lerned how to please Kathy. It took quite a while for her to learn how to enjoy having me serve her. This is where a lot of guys go wrong. It is not natural for a woman to want a husband to be a servant. It's a learned pleasure. It is only when a wife enjoys having a husband serve, the husband can really think of him self as her slave. Yet, as submissive men this is the place we want to be. It is my hope that this comment helps our beautiful daughter understand better the people we have become.

    john

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