Now, I'm not this way with everyone. I speak my mind to those I feel I have power, age and authority over but with my peers, my coworkers, my friends, well that's a different story. I don't express as I should in certain situations. So where am I going with this? Well, I've had this note saved in an email draft for months now and I decided to write about something between Katie and I that occurred months ago that gave me a blog post idea.
Ever since the Fall of 2011 we have been slowly renovating and cleaning and sorting through items in Katie's home. We have made tremendous strides in the process. One part of the house that was particularly cluttered was her garage. We spent hours on it and got it to what I would call a manageably clean garage when she decided to tackle another project. As a part of that undertaking, Katie told me to take 'this stuff' (and there was a lot of it) and store it in the garage. I couldn't believe it! We had just cleaned the garage and now she wanted to mess it up again. Oh I was so bothered. I didn't say anything to indicate how I was feeling but rather did what she said. Well I kind of did what she said. I decided to put all of that stuff on the floor all over the place just so a half of the garage looked totally cluttered rather than stack and organize those times neatly. (Psychologists call that being passive aggressive - and I can be pretty good at expressing that personality type when I want :). Well the garage looked a mess and what really flustered me was that Katie seemed fine with the mess being just as I had made it out there.
Of course I did my adult version of pouting. I became quiet. I didn't smile and talk as much. I didn't make the normal eye contact with her. I was pretty much being a baby about the whole thing. When she asked me what was wrong I lied. I said "nothings wrong," which was not the truth at all. I was pissed at her.
In the end we did talk about it, and in the end, nothing has moved from that garage. It's still there. It's still a mess. I think I may have organized some of it but it's basically still there, and she seems to be OK with it being as it is. Maybe at the heart of all this is a real feeling of being powerless. I don't like not having power. I say I don't mind but in reality being told to do something I wish not to do is not fun. It grates against my old will to control. I sure hope I come to grips with that since submission is all about obedience and being owned - which implies a loss of power.
Note: I Read this post to Katie to approve and she bucked at the phrase 'stupid choice' since she felt it was quite a logical one. She turned the question on me and asked me, what I thought was the better choice to make given what I had described. I didn't have a good answer. We talked about what she expects I should do the next time a similar situation occurs. She told me to express my thoughts and if I she still decided to do something I don't agree with to deal with it and embrace it rather than pouting about it. Katie reminded me it's not my place to pout, that worrying about how the garage looks is not my concern. It is hers and she would much rather me embrace and back her choices than fight her.
So, we had a good conversation. It was brief and she was to the point but I nevertheless understood her point of view and saw the logic behind her thinking.