Sunday, December 30, 2012

Pouting and pushing away

I made a promise to Katie prior to marrying her that I would always obey her. Not only did I make that promise but I also told her that I would ‘embrace’ her decisions, even if they were not mine.  All I can say is that talk is cheap. The truth of a promise comes when it is tested and I failed miserably on mine.  Here’s my story.
As background, both Katie and I are products of previous marriages. We both have adult children. A week before we were to marry, Katie’s children told her that they worry for her. Their worry is in the statistics of second marriages – that there is a higher divorce rate than with first time marriages.  They feared that if our marriage failed she could lose her home and encouraged her to do a pre-nup in which we agreed that should we divorce the house would be her.
Katie told me a day or so later about this conversation. I felt sick when she told me. It was as if we were planning for an end rather than looking forward to a new beginning. Katie felt that this was a non-issue since we weren’t going to divorce so there was no problem doing it in her mine.  I felt hurt. I felt pissed that her kids felt like they had the right to intrude into our marriage. I wanted them to sign similar contracts with their spouses that would guarantee that the woman would get the house should they divorce. I wanted them to do that just so they would feel the same sense of hurt and awkwardness that I felt. In short, I pouted.
I shut down. I didn’t want to hold her hand. I wanted space. Those feelings of closeness with her vanished. But I got over it in a few hours. Then a few days later while lying in bed she told me that she needed to get this thing done tomorrow. The same feelings returned. I pulled away, just like I did before. I didn’t want to snuggle up to her. I didn’t want to hold her as I usually do. I wanted to punish her while I pouted once more. And I did. I turned away and fell asleep. Six hours later I woke and used the bathroom and then lay in bed for the next hour just stewing before sleep took hold of me.
Later that morning Katie wrote the agreement and signed it. I didn’t read it but I signed it. I guess she is going to give it to one of her kids to hold on to. I got over it once more an hour or so later. We talked. I told her about my feelings. I told her how I don’t fully understand why it is that I shut down when these kind of things happen and how I felt she needs to take control in not letting me get away with it.
As to my promise to obey and embrace….. well it didn’t happen as I know it should have. I did obey but only after acting like a 10 year old brat and I surely didn’t embrace. Just thinking about what I signed, even now, makes me sick. I don’t like what I did, but I did obey. I also understood what Katie was saying – that the document is a non issue since we aren’t going to ‘go there’. We aren’t going to divorce – and even if we did, I wouldn’t want the house anyway. I didn’t want the last house I left and know I’d feel the same way should we ever have a complete failure of our marriage. Yet I didn’t want to do what she told me to do – not this time.
The issue here as I reflect on this is not the document but my resistance to trusting her. The issue here is also my response. I pushed the one I love most away. For a time I didn’t want to be with her. I didn’t want to love her. I didn’t want to work through my feelings with her. I just wanted to push her away and punish her in the process.
As you can see, I have baggage. I’m not perfect. We don’t have a perfect – stress free – relationship. I sure hope that I understand the reason for the way I react so next time I don’t repeat the same unacceptable behavior. I know it has something to do with feelings of rejection but beyond that I am not sure how to deal with them to avoid subsequent screw ups.
I’m Hers

11 comments:

  1. Evidently, I'm Hers, you're as human as the rest of us...

    Harry

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  2. Mr. IH,

    We who overtly live as subservient to women we are in relationships with are still human beings. When we are cut, it does bleed. When we have a complex situation, we are still able to process it with our intelligence and life experiences and form an opinion for which we experience emotions. This is only natural and apart of being human.

    Let me share something I recent had occurred. I grew up in a household where Christmas morning greeted me with an amazing amount of gifts. It gives me great pleasure to give gifts to our children and I look forward to doing so on Christmas.

    My wife grew up in the Caribbean. In Latin American cultures, Christmas morning is just not the same as what a rich kid in the suburbs of the north shore of Chicago experiences. My wife decides what the children get for Christmas. She asks me for input, but what is purchased and what goes under the tree is her choice. This is a difficult thing for me to go through, as my instinct is different then hers in this regard.

    The children were of course fine. They had a wonderful Christmas under my wife’s framework. I am still in the process of accepting, but seeing her decisions work out well is helpful.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing this post.

    Sincerely,

    -SH

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  3. Sub's do have feeling and those feelings are frequently challenged. As you work through your feeling you learn and grow. you can be thankful your Mistress allowed you the space to react in your own way. Many Mistresses would have reacted much differently.

    Are the adult daughters like their Mother? If not, perhaps you and your Mistress can help them become more trusting of their Mom's selections, and also become the Leader/Mistress in their own homes. If you are really lucky, maybe your Mistress will share you with Her daughters.

    Simply because i am the sissy i am, i am shared with all the women in our family (including our adult daughters) and other women Mistress Barbara authorizes. It has worked for us for more than forty years. you might have a new opportunity ahead of you. Do not miss the chance, if your Mistress directs you to submit.

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  4. I hope the two of you have overcome the bad feelings and are able to enjoy your wedding day. All the best for your marriage and the New Year.

    Tamara

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  5. Just because you promised to obey doesn't mean you don't have feelings. I think you did the right thing by finally talking about them with Katie, although you should have done it sooner. I also feel Katie should have solicited your opinion and feelings on such an important decision before she did it even though her mind may have been made up. As a parent, we sometimes go overboard to satisfy our children and avoid their criticism. This may have been one of those instances for Katie. Look at the positives. This was a good learning experience for both of you. The rough patches that we have in our marriages, as bad as they are, tend to make our union stronger.

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  6. Dear I'm Hers,

    Trust Katie. She has to be at peace with her children too.

    I wish both of you a happy 2013.

    appy

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  7. This was a nice post, and very honest. You aren't perfect, and you certainly showed your feelings about what you needed to do, however you did obey and that is the most important thing. I can fully understand why you felt the way you did and reacted that way as I am sure Katie did too. It isn't the most fun topic to plan for the end when you are joining two lives forever, however I feel in a truly good solid trusting D/s the level of commitment on both parties is far higher than the average married people, so the agreement I am sure is a total non issue. Still I can understand why you felt the way you felt. I am sure that it hurt Katie that you pulled away, but I am sure she understood why you felt that way...and she dealt with it, by following through with it. As a sub/slave you will many times be forced to comply with something you may not want to do, but you will do it, and that is where the true submission comes in. The night that I had Jay go lock up as punishment recently we were arguing and he was being really nasty to me, unlike him. I was fed up and decided that between the lack of communication and his attitude that he would be locked up. This was the first time I was driven to this point with him. I knew he was not acting as I would feel he should be, and though he was most unhappy about it, he locked up, sent me the pic of my cock with the numbered lock, told me he loved me and went to bed...but things were definitely not normal. The next day I would find out that he was sick, which probably led to some of his acting in a way that was very much not like him, but the punishment continued. I forgave him right away for the way be behaved, but I did have to follow through on the punishment. Perhaps Katie could find some suitable punishment for when you meet her with resistance and a poor attitude. I have always told Jay that he can express concerns, feelings, etc to me at any time if he does it respectfully and I will listen and consider what he said, and then make my decision for us, but occasionally he does explode and things come out not so nicely. It will happen, but that is why he needs my control, I will forgive it, but I will also correct it to minimize the chances of it happening again.

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  8. To all that contributed their thoughts (see above). Thank you. I appreciated your perspectives. Appy, you said so much in just one sentence. Your words are wise. Thank you.

    I shared my story from my heart and the responses I received were from yours. It's good to hear that you felt my responses were human and natural, yet I agree from those of you that mentioned that the bigger picture was that I did conform. Miss Christina, the example you provided helped me. I especially felt that seeing your 'compassionate-dominant' side expressed with your willingness to listen and consider Jay's thoughts and requests, yet knowing that you, and you alone will make decisions, was helpful. It's the world that I am now legally bound to. I've promised Katie my deference, obedience, and service. And now I need to live by those promises. I hope I am able to.
    Thanks again to all that shared. Have a blessed New Year.

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  9. Easy on the mea culpas man! Sometimes first reactions are the most valid ones. I'm not looking to sow discord in your newly minted marriage, but let me throw out a few points in no particular order...

    If Katie’s children were indeed the reason she asked you for the pre-nup, she had no right to even mention that fact to you. She should have known that you’d feel resentment toward them. This will probably rankle with you for some time to come and it wasn’t fair of her to put you (and them) into such a position.

    I think you should at least consider the possibility that she didn’t ask for your signature for her children’s sake, she did it because she wanted it. Frankly, if I’m off base on point number 1 above, I can hardly blame her. Every couple who ever took the oath of marriage never dreamed that they’d end in divorce, yet we all know the statistics. If she really does have assets that would be at risk simply by virtue of your marriage, then it’s hard to fault her for taking these steps, she’s just being prudent.

    Call me a cynic, but it’s quite possible that her kids know nothing of this, and she’s using them as a foil to spare your feelings. Again, if this were the case, I couldn’t really fault her. But regardless of who initiated things, remember… this is something that SHE wants, or she wouldn’t be asking for it.

    A while back you authored a post called: “Slave or submissive”. The discussion was largely semantical in nature, but really boiled down to just what degree you would be willing to obey her. I responded to that post by asking you if you’d agree to become Katie’s cuckold if it was something she wanted. It was a completely rhetorical question meant to shed light on a broader theme, but you brushed it aside by saying she’d never ask that of you. I think you missed the point of what I was asking. Namely, that whether you call yourself a submissive or a slave, there are some things you do NOT have to agree to and there are some things that a domme does NOT have a right to expect.

    Why am I bringing that up again? Because you seem to be struggling here with the notion that since you agreed to obey her in all things, and she asked you to sign something that you found very hurtful, that BECAUSE you’re her submissive you have no right feel that way. That you should simply suck it up and obey her… period. Your dilemma prompted me to write a post on the subject on my own blog, but I’ll apply my thesis to your situation by saying this…

    Your D/s arrangement should be the LAST thing to consider when weighing signing a prenup (or agreeing to ANY other weighty matter in your relationship with Katie). Cooking, cleaning, waiting on her hand and foot are all one thing, but when it comes to yours and hers financial security we’re entering a whole new realm. Simply put, you should have just as much moral right to ask her to sign a prenup to protect your assets as she does to ask you for the same purpose. D/s should have NOTHING to do with it.

    You had another recent post in which you declared that you were financially dependent on her, but are you really? Yes, you now have your paycheck direct deposited into her account and she gives you an allowance each week. This does give her a lot of control over you, but it’s only as permanent as you want it to be. All parties know that this is something that can be undone with a ten minute visit to your company’s personnel dept.

    Consider this question… What if it were possible to TRULY surrender your financial independence to your mistress? What if there was a way to legally and permanently sign over every penny you ever earned for the rest of your life to her? Would you take such a step is she asked you to?

    I’m sure that there are many out there who might instantly say “YES”, that it would be an honor to sign such a document as it would be the ultimate act of submission. To me, it would be the ultimate act of insanity.

    Best,

    Jake

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  10. Jake is right. I was trying to state the same point he made on your question of slavery vs. Submission. My post was deleted probably for being to negative, but the point is you have a choice and can exit the submiise state when you choose. A "real" slave does not have that option.

    He is also right in that D/s should be low on the list of consideration when considering signing a prenump.

    Good Luck

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