Wednesday, March 20, 2013
I read on Locked and Kept’s blog recently a post about chastity. The author commented a change in attitude that he noticed in himself as he now spends more time in chastity and is denied for longer periods of time. I believe he commented that after a week or two he doesn’t even notice that he is in chastity – that the device he is wearing simply becomes a part of himself. As I reflect back to as little as two years ago when Katie denied me for a few days to a few weeks at most I remember spending more time out of chastity then in during some days. What I remember feeling back then was a deep sense of eroticism because everything was so new. I felt like I wanted out. I couldn’t wait for the next time she’d let me experience an orgasm. I felt quite horny most of the time. But during the fall of 2011 things changed. Katie decided to experiment with longer periods of denial after learning that hormonally a man’s testosterone levels peak after a few weeks and then remain relatively elevated. She thought she noticed that my penis would respond more rapidly and remain more engorged with blood when touching me and didn’t particularly like the refractory period of me not becoming instantly aroused after an ejaculation. She likes touching me. She enjoys feeling the change arousal brings while stroking me gently at night. She also thought I became more affectionate and submissive in my attitude toward her when being denied for extended periods. She seems convinced that this is so since she has not deviated back to shorter periods between orgasm but in fact has only lengthened them over time. What started as a sudden denial period of about three months has now approached almost six months recently.
When I look back on the last year or so I feel much the same psychologically as Locked n Kept mentioned – to some degree. What is different with my situation is that my device is typically removed nightly and then refastened each morning. The exception to that rule is weekends when she will sometimes lock me and sometimes allow me to remain free. Whenever I am away from her presence for any period of time (meaning away at work, or traveling separate from her) I am to be locked and there is no leniency in that rule unless she gives me permission to do otherwise.
I mention the difference between my situation and Locked and Kept’s situation because my life in chastity is not static. It’s ever changing. I’m in. I’m out. I’m out some weekends and not others. Every morning I usually send Katie a text while I am upstairs getting dressed and she is downstairs doing something else what the order of the day is for me relative to locking. Almost always the response is “Lock it up”. There is a bit of playful fun that we have when we send those texts but I send them almost daily because I am curious to see if she might give me a day of freedom. I also ask daily because I want Katie to become comfortable in telling me what she wants as my Mistress Wife. She’s the Dominant and I want her to feel as such. Ideally I’d love her to tell me to ‘make sure you lock up before you leave the room,’ or ‘don’t you dare come down without first locking’, or deciding to lock me herself. I want that because it’s fun. I want that because it builds a degree of openness between us with respect to her controlling my cock and in what state she will keep it for the day. Verbalizing is more direct than a text. Making a conscious decision to lock me up personally or stand and watch me lock up is even more adventuresome – and probably uncomfortable or awkward for her at the moment – but probably a very healthy thing for us to seriously consider doing.
But with respect to my experience with long term chastity, there is a sense of resignation that I feel when the days mount. I’m at Day 50ish range now. I don’t anticipate her letting me ejaculate anytime soon. I know the last time was 178 days and I would suspect that I have no chance before day 100. So although Katie lets me out so she can enjoy my cock; although she loves to touch and fondle it at night or give it a passing kiss or suck in the morning after I shower; even when we make love a few times a week, I know that there will be no permission given to feel the sudden rush that she feels with respect to orgasm. Rather I feel a rush that is somewhat diminished yet prolonged. In a way, it’s almost better than being allowed orgasm. In some ways it’s incredibly frustrating to be left so close to cumming. I love that feeling but it leaves me like a music scale that lacks that final note that completes it. I’m left unresolved. I’m left wanting, hard and still desiring her with an intense lust to remain close and intertwined. She always leaves me wanting more. Every time we make love I am left that way. When she is fully satisfied she leaves knowing I am not. I know she will leave to continue on with her day while leaving me still rock hard and wanting more. It’s how she loves it. It’s what she loves and I know that this will most likely be the way I will live as long as we remain sexually active.
And that makes locking up 15 minutes later that much harder. No the Jailbird that I wear doesn’t ever feel like it’s a part of me. I never feel that it becomes a part of my body. Yes it is quite comfortable most of the time and I don’t notice it for much of the day, but the weight of it tugging on me often reminds me that I am an owned man. Yet the fact remains that the routine remains unchanged. I get up. I shower after her. I blow dry and brush her hair. She dresses and leaves the room while I clean it up and make it presentable. I lock and then I head downstairs to make a breakfast of her choosing. It’s the routine that never changes. It’s always the same. I always lock up except for an occasional Saturday or Sunday where I will be free.
Yet to be honest, there is security in being made to lock. I want her to tell me to lock mostly when I am with her, not apart. I understand her rationale for me being kept secure when away but I love it when she puts me in chastity during the weekend or while away on a trip together. It excites me to be chaste and have her press her body tight against my steel encasement when embracing. I love knowing that she can feel her prize position safe and secure inside its cage. To have her grab my cock at anytime is fun but for her to do so because she knows that I am locked because she told me to lock is extra special - and I hope it is for her too. Those times excite me - especially when she lets on that she enjoys the fact that she has the power to lock me at her whim.
Those instances serve as a reminder that I am indeed not just her husband but her submissive husband whom she has complete authority over. Katie, promised me in her vow that she would culture and push me into deeper submission. That was a promise she made and I believe she will keep. I fully expect her to keep me locked more often as a way to ‘culture’ that submission. I would hope that she would do so with more deliberate intention both to remind me that I am her submissive husband as well as to remind herself that she exists on another level of freedom that I’ll never experience as a Dominant woman who owns a submissive man.
Long term chastity is incredibly rewarding. I don’t know how I”d feel if I was locked and never touched for 6 months. I think I would find that life quite difficult. But to be denied while being used for her enjoyment on almost a daily basis is so different. As the days build, the understanding that I am powerless grows. The realization that she is in charge grows. The desire to cum grows. The times that I ask for her permission to cum while making love become more frequent. The incredible ache to cum feels like nothing a man could ever imagine unless you’ve been there and done that. I love it and I hope she never chooses to toss the Jailbird in the bottom drawer, never to be used again.
I once read a story about a dominant woman that used and abused a man - just because she could. She kept him in her basement and did many things to him that he hated. She promised him that she would keep him as her slave for 15 years. At the end of that time he had changed so much, that all he knew was his life as he lived it in her basement which included the daily pain and testing of his limits. When the 15th anniversary ended she let him go. He walked out of her home a free man. But he wasnt' free. He belonged to her and he chose to knock on her door asking if she would take him back because she was now a necessary evil in his life. I am finding being locked in chastity very similar to that fictional story. The longer Katie locks and denies me, the more I feel the need to be locked more often and for longer periods of time. When locked I want out and I want release, yet when given the option, my response is like the man who was given that same choice and chose to return to a life that is now all he can associate life as being. That is what I want with respect to chastity - I want it to never ever end.
If I could change one thing it would be to play with ruined orgasms while still remain denied the privilege of a full-fledged orgasm, but that is a topic for another post.