Sunday, March 3, 2013

Why is Dominance Such a Difficult Gift to Accept?

 I have had a few conversations with submissive men during the past few months with regard to how they can encourage their wives to embrace the D/s lifestyle.  The two such conversations have revealed that although the men sincerely want to make a commitment by submitting, and have their wives lead the home as the dominant partner, their wives either seem oblivious to the gift their husband has presented them or they are having difficulty embracing it because they don't see themselves as a dominant woman.
 My most recent conversation with M got me thinking on this more. I have quite a long drive to work and I decided to shut the radio off and just think for a change; something I enjoy doing every now and then.  Memories of parenting came to mind. As a parent there is a power differential that needs to exist for the home to function practically and efficiently.  There cannot be a power struggle between parent and child.  In essence it is a D/s relationship.  What mom and dad say is what must be obeyed.  Now it's not like there can't be a discussion when questions arise but the final answer as to what the verdict will be must come from the top and not from the bottom. A mother most likely does not view herself as a dominant woman with respect to raising a family but she is.  If questioned on who is the authoritative figure - mother or child - she would agree that she was.  If asked who leads, who guides, who educates, who teaches who decides, she would agree that she is the one that does this. Even with teenagers she would indicate that although there is increased freedom with age, there are still certain mandates, certain principles, and certain rules that must be obeyed if the freedoms given are to remain freedoms. She could probably site multiple times where violations of those rules and principles have either lead to discussions with her child to clarify and express concerns or disappointments, or when there were consequences that she delivered as a way to both punish as well as teach her child.
 Every woman has 'been there'.  Every woman that has ever raised a child has lived the life of a Domme when set against the framework of raising a family.  I would dare guess that most of those women have also been the ones that their husbands would admit are the cog in the wheel with respect to how the family unit functions.  Women often budget. Women raise the children. Women decide where income is spent. Women largely determine family functions including entertainment, vacations, holiday itineraries, etc.
 So if M's wife J has most likely lived 'that' life, why is it so hard, when her husband, whom she loves, comes to her and expresses his desire for her to accept his submission and take the mantle of leadership that she's probably handled unknowingly for years?  That was the question that I had a hard time wrapping my brain around as I drove to work today. Why?  Why the difficulty in taking a gift that has such a wow factor? Doesn’t every girl love attention, love being pampered, love being the most important in her man’s life?
 I don’t know if I have THE answer but I did think of a few possible reasons. First, I think that the word 'dominant' scares women. I don't think a woman likes to be known as being dominant or being referred to as a Mistress.  It sounds odd. It's different. It's not who they are. It’s not how they want their friends referring to them, even jokingly. Yet all three of the men that I've corresponded with have indicated that their wives have dominant qualities. They have mentioned how they enjoy having things their way. One man noted how his wife loves to dictate the frequency and activity of the bedroom. Another noted that they love the service their husband provides. All have indicated that they enjoy the increased intimacy and affection since the topic of femdom came up in discussion and their husbands’ submitted.  So why then is accepting this incredible gift such a hard thing to do? One man just aches to have his wife take that gift but fears that she never will. She loves the service he’s provided her but doesn’t want to lead and acknowledge his submission.
 That leads me to my second hunch- guilt. I talked to Katie during that drive and we discussed the difficulty we had during those first several months.  When I came to Katie with my list of chores and gifts I wanted to give her, she eagerly accepted most of them. It was easy for her to accept my desires to honor her by promising to be the perfect gentleman, taking her coat, sitting next to her, giving her control of the TV remote, intentionally being more affectionate and other similar gifts.  But for her to sit and check her email or watch TV while I took 45 minutes to prepare dinner after working all day didn't come as easily.  When it was late and she watched me spent the evening preparing, serving, and cleaning up dinner and then fold and return clothing that I washed to the bedroom it was hard for her to tell me to give her a massage. She knew I was tired and often she’d ask me if I was. I knew there was more to the question than just wanting that. She wanted a massage but felt guilty asking me to do one last thing before falling asleep. And so she didn’t.  When she changed clothes and left them on the floor or laid her robe over a chair rather than hanging it, it was hard for her to leave those items there until I came home after work when it was just as easy for her to pick them up herself.  Katie experienced a lot of guilt because I was doing those things she had always done.  Yet I told her many times, "I can do that for you," or "I'll take care of that."  The fact was, I wanted her to watch TV while I did dinner. I wanted to do the laundry. I loved her watching me fold the wash while she sat nearby smiling. I ached to give her a massage and I enjoy cleaning up after her. But it took a long time for her to work through sudden change in our relational dynamic. She struggled with living the life of a woman that now deserved when she had lived the role of a traditional woman for so many years. She has gotten over most of it but it’s still a work in process, and to be honest I think she would tell you that she's still working through that to some degree.
I know that Katie loves every conscious act of service I give her. Every meal I made she was thankful for what I prepared as well as the fact that she didn't have to bother doing something she doesn’t enjoy doing. Every massage I've ever given has been filled with comments that have expressed how much she loves my touch. I know she loves the thought that I will pick up the room and she can just let the untidiness ‘be’ for me to address. I know she loves where my mind now. It never strays away from her and her needs, wants and desires.  She literally has become the center of my life. She loves that she is always on my mind. She loves the continual texts, calls, emails and thoughts throughout the day. I remind her constantly how much I love her, how much I love being her sub and her being my woman in charge. It’s where she wants me and where I want to be. But then there are those feelings of guilt that haunt her. "He does so much." "This is so different than how it used to be". Those thoughts still seep into her life – even three years into this experiment.
Yes, I do more than her, and yes this life is different from how it used to be but it is also something that I came to her and proposed.  She didn’t force me to do any of this. All she did was agree to let me do what I offered. All I asked of her was to accept my submission and assume the head of our home. I wanted to give her the gift of my heart and I wanted her to agree to continue to accept that gift daily. All I requested was that she take control and make decisions as she saw fit. I wanted her to take control and I knew that she relished doing so anyway.  When we married we made vows expressing that. She told me that she would promise to be the dominant one forever. I told her that I would always submit to her authority.  It sounds odd, yet it is what we both want. It's where we both desire to remain. It's the life that fills the empty places in our hearts. 
I hope M and J figure things out. I hope B and W continue to enjoy the life they have. I feel bad for E and  K because I just don't think E wants to embrace the gift K wants to give. I find that sad because it is such a wonderful gift.  I hope if you are a woman that is where these women are that you will get over the stigma associated with being a dominant woman.  Why deny who you are? Why not except the easier road rather than the harder one, especially when your partner desires to take the harder path so you don't have to? Why not embrace your man’s gift of submission and enjoy the fact that he wants to make you the center of his world?
As Katie tells me often, "What woman wouldn't love this life?"  She's learning to enjoy it and I know she will do so forever. Won't you consider that as well should you be given the choice to do so?
 I'm Hers


  1. Yikes any chance you can increase the font size, this is like microscopic and not your normal font size. I can't even really read it. And I already have my screen zoomed in.

    Also did you get my email? I emailed you a couple days ago about my blog mishap...trying to reach you so you would know about my new blog.

  2. Hi IH,

    I think there are lots of reasons, the negative imagery attached to the word Dominant, the way women in our society have been raised and taught for years now, the view that all of this is strictly sexual. I could go on and on. I'm trying to win mine over one kind act and one chore at a time and convince her that not all submission is based on sex. She made the statement when we first discussed it that, "If you are looking for someone to tie you up and whip you every day, that's not me". Unfortunately, that's the place in the wife's mind a lot of us have to start from and show them what real submission is all about and it not an easy mountain to climb sometimes. Perception ingrained for decades is not easily chained.

  3. Mistress, Ahh, that's who you are :) I uped the font size - just for you :)

    Wishful4. I would agree with you. Maybe you should write a post on this topic - eg. your journey, email it to me and I'll post it with tribute/credit to you, of course.

    I do agree with you and the examples you provided.
    Thanks for sharing.

  4. Thanks, please click to my new blog and follow along :). Just be sure to use my new name in any comments :)

    Now I will read your post, thank you so much, I am not even yet at the age where reading is getting hard so I was cracking up when I saw how tiny this was LOL.

  5. Very nice and thoughtful post, and reading back to how it started with you and Katie, how she struggled to leave clothes for you to pick up made me think back on your post with the picture of the clothing mess she left for you the whole time you were away so you could take care of it when you got home.

    Funny in the hotels I do not struggle to let David do the cleaning up. I will cook our meals and then I expect him to do the cleaning up and he does do it happily. But when we are able to stay at my home I and kind of like in half strict mode. Usually I will have him help me with various tasks but I work along with him. Or the part of me who likes being a sweet caretaker kicks in and I make his coffee for him which is something that doesn't happen in the hotels. I think it is my way when in my own home to pamper him a little bit, but then again my dominance is still there in every other way.

    I agree too, if you have a man who loves you so much he would want to give you control of him, do things for you, make you the center of his being, why the heck would you resist!!! I sure would not. I love being the first thought and last thought that David has each day.

    I am glad you found my blog. Please be sure to use Marie and David though because I don't want the person who was harassing us to catch on, so I did have to delete your comment. Hope you enjoy future posts.

  6. Thank you for an interesting post. But the title and theme raises another, perhaps deeper issue: Is it really "Dominance" or is it "pampering?" Should the title be, "Why Is Pampering Such a Difficult Gift to Accept"? To me, you write of the guilt in being "pampered," "treated royally," "waited on," even "served." "Dominance" is a step farther, indeed a big step. As you and others have blogged about, Dominance entails asserting Her authority, which is more than accepting the benefits or even allowing service. Asserting authority is verbalizing authority, creative (nonsexual) play, and flaunting the benefits. So Why Does a Woman Who Accepts the Gift of Service Find It Difficult to Be/Feel/Act Dominant? The reason you cite, of the image of a "Dominant" not being who She sees herself as, apply even more so. And being a mothers is not the same as being "Dominant" - while a mother exercises authority over Her children She may not have verbalized Her authority once the kids got beyond little kids, never engaged in creative dominant play with them and never flaunted the benefit of being the authority. So a different order of magnitude.

  7. Fear of the term "Dominant" or "Mistress" is a big one I think. It has such connotations, leather, husbands that are less than masculine, and yet that's often what us submissive men long for. So terminology is difficult.

    Also, I've been in relationships where we argued about who was making the decisions. I wanted her to make the decision; she wanted me to make the decision, but that was on the little stuff (where to eat, etc.). On the big stuff, she wanted input, but I always knew she wanted to make the final decision, but she didn't want to be a bitch. She wanted me to be happy, so she spent a lot of time getting my input and reassuring herself that I was happy with her decision. She wanted what she wanted, but she didn't want to appear as if it were her making the decision. She wanted it to be a couple decision (that she made), lol.

    As far as the service and the pampering, I don't there's a woman alive that wouldn't enjoy that, but you're also asking them to give up control over an area of their lives that they previously considered their domain (whether it was or not, just the social pressure alone is enough to drive you nuts). The traditional role of women that gave them the responsibilities of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. There might be a little territory involved. You are now taking on the roles and that might lead to some discomfort.

    And guilt, like you said. For us it's exciting to be put on by seeing her clothes on the floor. Having been put upon by previous relationships, it might be her sympathy that is her undoing. She hates it when men just expect her to clean up after them, now you're asking her to do the same to you.

    Just a few thoughts, mostly in agreement of yours.