Friday, May 24, 2013

Food for Thought

Kathy wrote a post on her Femdom 101 blog that caught my attention. I believe she was writing on the topic of religion and femdom.  What caught my interest were some of the comments she made about the role of a Mistress Wife.  I boiled her post down to the statements that were at the heart of her writing and shared them with Katie but changed each of her post statements into a question. Here is what I asked Katie:

1  Do you believe that a husband needs to be bossed around – meaning, that it’s perfectly fine to tell him what to do?

2  Do you believe that you are not superior to me but that you are above me in rank, that you are my Mistress, and that I am your sub?

3  Do you believe that you are my moral authority – meaning, that when issues of morality arise you determine what my moral value should be in each specific instance?

4  Do you believe you are the arbiter that determines right from wrong?

5  Do you believe that you should be the one that chooses if we go to church, where we go to church, and what my core religious beliefs should be?

6  Do you believe that your rule is law and must be obeyed without question?

7  Do you believe you have the right to choose to do whatever you wish, while I do not have that same right?

8  Do you believe that by serving you, I also serve God?

9  Do you believe  that to disobey you is to sin before God?

10  Do you believe that you are God’s earthly representative to me?

11  Do you believe that you have the duty, as well as the right, as my mistress wife, to have complete ownership of me?

12  Do you believe that society would be well served if more men learned proper obedience from the hand of a wife?

Katie, in classic Katie style, answered my questions directly. Most all were yes responses.  We discussed the comment of her being my moral authority. I gave her some examples, like if it would be OK to walk up and introduce myself to a woman I didn’t know if she wasn’t around, if it was ok to view blogs that contained porn, etc.  After discussing this she told me with no hesitancy that she is my moral compass and all such issues will ultimately be decided by her and must meet her standards.

Where she disagreed had to do with the latter part of question 5 and question 10.  Katie will decide where we worship but feels that one’s core religious beliefs is a personal decision.  She also doesn’t believe that she is God’s earthly representative to me.  To say she was would be to equate her as being appointed specifically by God to serve as his emissary.  I agreed with her.  Now, I understand that people enter and leave our lives and when they are a part of our life, they may have opportunities to tempt us, influence us, guide us, etc.  That may be a God-thing, but who are we to decide or know what God is thinking?

We did discuss the other religious based questions, numbers 8 and 9 above. The answer to those really goes back to my vow to Katie.  I promised to serve her. I made that promise before her and before God (in my mind).  I promised to love Katie and I promised to love her BY submitting to her authority.  In the vow I pledged specifically how I would live that promise out by giving myself entirely to her – my time, my earnings, my effort, my love, my body.  For me to break my vow of service would be to not love her as I promised and that is sin.  To disobey her is a sin in the same way.  It’s not that Katie is a spiritual extension of God, but she is one who I made promises to and to break those promises is to do a wrong.  Wrongs, at least in my mind, is to sin.

Not to make this post heavy in theology, but there is a fantastic verse in the book of James.  It’s the last one in Chapter 4 and says this (paraphrased): if you know what the right thing to do is and you don’t do it, you have sinned.  I love that verse because it personalizes life to where each person is.  For me, that verse means that if I ever refuse to submit to Katie; if I ever disobey her; if I ever hold a grudge against her because of what she has told me to do or not do, I’ve done wrong before God and therefore sinned.

It’s an interesting topic for any couple to discuss, regardless of religious views. One doesn’t need to believe in God to ask oneself, if I believe X and don’t do X, is that wrong?  Food for thought.

I’m Hers


  1. This is a really great posting. It is the type of posting that should make people think about FLR. Yet, as interesting and thought provoking as this posting is; there are no comments. What I have found is that neither men or women are prepared for a serious conversation about the merits of living in a femdom relationship.


  2. Kathy,thanks for the positive review. To be honest, I am getting a bit weary of writing with so few responses. This blog averages about 500 visitors a day but probably less than .5% take the time to share a thought. It is the thoughts from others that makes me think, and gives me thoughts to process and write about. Reading other's blogs is another and yours is one that commonly stimulates my thoughts. I may take the summer off and give it a go but then again, maybe not. I wish you and John well this Memorial Day weekend.

  3. What an interesting post - as is Kathy's. I do find the religious stance challenging (in the UK we are way less religious than you in the US) and I certainly don't believe in a God, however your moral question 'if I believe X and don’t do X, is that wrong?' is a good one.

    We are early in the exploration of a wife led marriage. After much reading and discussion we are very drawn to the clean submission approach of Ms Rika and espoused on such sites as and

    I like the idea of 'no rewards' and 'no punishment' - save the ultimate of not being permitted to serve my Queen and that 'treats' such as spanking and bondage are part of the foundational relationship. The only reward I want/need in serving my Queen is to know that my service pleases her. Disobeying her causes her displeasure and so is something I will never do. ( At least I hope it is something I will never do.)

    Ownership seems to imply slavery, how can it not? Yes I submit fully to my Queen but surely she should not determine my beliefs ( and by extension, morality). It's likely that we will share very similar morals and values because of the strength of the 'foundational' relationship (our marriage).

    I do enjoy your posts and appreciate the frustration when so few readers seem to respond. I suspect your influence is greater that the low level of response would suggest.

    Please keep writing. Any chance Katie would write too?

    1. My Hearts Desire, Thanks for sharing. If you have read much of this blog you will quickly realize that it's based on a 'Rika' style relationship, meaning, it's a service oriented submission that I have forever pledged to Katie. So, you and I have similar lives in that sense. Serving for the sake of serving and expecting little in return, except for the gifts our wives choose to give us. And of course, Rika states unoquivically that all D/s relationships are built on a 'love' foundation that serves as the basis for all healthy and long-term relationsips.

      As for you comment about your wife not determining your morals, I too struggled with that. We discussed it at length. I think that where we ended up is that if I believe doing X is ok but Katie doesn't than I will never be doing X. For example. I use to hunt. I have a shotgun and have killed several deer in my past for the purpose of food. Katie doesn't believe in killing, even if she does enjoy eating a good steak :). I have been told that I will never be going hunting again. She has imposed her morality with respect to killing for sport/food on me. Since I have vowed to embrace her decisions, doesn't her morality now become 'my' morality? I believe it does.

      Thanks for your encouraging words about continuing to write.

  4. I always enjoy your post. I think alot more people read it than you think. I didn't use to comment on posts but feel more comfortable responding with yours because it is somewhat similar to my own FLR. I think religion is a subject that some people might not feel comfortable posting about. RR

  5. While it goes without question that a submissive should serve his mistress in every physical way possible, matters of religion, morality, or ethics are another matter.

    Sure, go ahead and tell me how you are to be served, but do t think for a moment that you'll be dictating how ill be practicing my religion.

    Do you have the authority to whip me if I displease you in some way? Of course! But don't think for a moment that you'll tell me how to vote, or where we'll send our children to school.

    I'll willingly willingly relinquish much of the decision making when it comes to how we'll decorate our home, what car ill drive, or or where we'll go for vacation, but would I ever allow myself to become completely dependent on you financially? Never.

    Call me a "fake submissive" if you like, but there are some freedoms that should never be surrendered, and any mistress that insists on same isn't showing a very high regard for her submissives character.

    A little off topic perhaps, but there you are.



    1. Jake, you are alive an kickin!!!! Man, I miss your blog writing. I hear what you are saying. I don't know if you read the above comments or not but here is an example of what I was talking about with respect to morality:

      "As for you comment about your wife not determining your morals, I too struggled with that. We discussed it at length. I think that where we ended up is that if I believe doing X is ok but Katie doesn't than I will never be doing X. For example. I use to hunt. I have a shotgun and have killed several deer in my past for the purpose of food. Katie doesn't believe in killing, even if she does enjoy eating a good steak :). I have been told that I will never be going hunting again. She has imposed her morality with respect to killing for sport/food on me. Since I have vowed to embrace her decisions, doesn't her morality now become 'my' morality? I believe it does."

      I think much of the basis for functioning as a team is making the proper choice in a partner prior to entering into a D/s relationship in the first place. Marrying a woman that thinks in principle different than me would be a big mistake and has all the makings of a miserable marriage. I am sure that your morality and many of your life principles are similar to that of your wife because you two fell in love and your interests and values compliment one another.

      In the example above, Katie believes it is wrong to kill, just to kill. Although I hunted for years, obeying her desire for me to not hunt is an easy thing for me to give up. As for voting and such, we would talk about politics and I'm sure come to similar conclusions as to who we should support. Much of the morality issues can be worked out without ultamatums being delivered if communication lines are kept open.

      Jake, I'm glad to hear from you. You've been gone from D/s for far too long. Stop by again

  6. RR, I do appreciate the encouragment - I really do. Thanks for sharing and I do hope you do so again. You know, I re-read the post, having written it a few weeks ago, and realized that at least half of the questions have nothing to do with religion. The post is abour religion, but it's also about giving up of oneself to the woman to whom you are serving.

    I wasn't sure how to take your comment on religion... is it that you meant that religion should be kept out of D/s blogs, or that it's a difficult topic to discuss or write about? Regardless if you have a belief in God or not, we all serve something and that, then becomes our religion. Even the athiest has a belief system and with one's/couples personal beliefs comes the foundation upon which they live and structure much of their lives.

    Thanks for sharing!

  7. What I meant about religion was that it makes some people uncomfortable talking about it. My wife and I are Christians and it does say that the man should be the leader in the family. But in our relationship we have found our marriage works better with her being the leader in the relationship. We tried it for 17 years the other way and found that a FLR was much better for us. We both have never been happier. It pretty much was a role reversal with her being the head of the house hold. We love your blog . Keep up the good work. Thanks RR

    1. RR, so as a Christian couple, do you believe that you are disobeying God by living in a D/s relationship with your wife serving as the one in charge? We too are Christians. I'd be interested in hearing how you dealt with that issue.

  8. Yep. I'm more "alive" than ever before in my life. The hiatus is due to the fact that all my free time is being occupied with getting a new business off the ground. I'll be back when time allows. I still have a lot to say.

    Setting aside Katie's own moral inconsistencies regarding hunting (I. E. she still wants killin to get done, just not by YOU. And only cows too... Leave those cute little bambies alone!). But to you, hunting is simply an enjoyable pastime that has the side benifit of putting food on the table. So it's not really an apples - apples comparison in my view (just like if for some crazy reason she felt pity for golf balls and asked you to give up your regular Sunday outing).

    I'm glad that you two are in sync with most weighty matters, but if you really want to take an honest look at how far you're willing to embrace D/s, you should be asking yourself how you'd feel if there were a stark divergence of views in that arena.

    Consider this most extreem example. Flip the sex roles around for a moment. Could a male Dom ever dictate to his female submissive that she undergo an abortion? The very notion is absurd.

    While the above is as extreem as it gets, there are many other areas where it's a little more grey, but still quite important. That's why I feel that while its perfectly fine for a woman to enslave a man in the physical sense, when she attempts to control his mind (which is just one step removed from his emotional soul), bad things can happen.

    She may enjoy the short term gains for a time, but his resentment will eventually find its voice. While I'm sure that there are many couples that absolutely love 100% iron fisted control in every aspect of life (Kathy and John immediately spring to mind), I feel that any domme worthy of the title needs to let her slave come to his own decisions when it comes to deeper and more personal issues.



    P.S. don't let the lack of comments get you down. It's just the nature of the beast. I have an instructional channel on you tube and its the same there. Some are lazy, others just serfing or not bright enough to string enough words together to form a cogent thought. As long as they're coming though, you're having an impact. Keep it up!

    1. Dear Plato, I mean Jake, You make me think. You also made Katie laugh when I read your comment about Cows and Bambi. Btw, she loves Chick Fillet too so she's not opposed to killing those stupid feathered animals - and they are quite dumb indeed.

      Your example of an abortion is a good one and one that we both agreed with. Maybe when Kathie posed the question of her being the moral authority between her and John I couldn't think of any examples that I wouldn't obey Katie should she 'mandate' me to comply. Here is one that I wrestled with and did so although I disagreed with it..... When we married her her adult children spoke to her about she and I writing a pre-nup that would give her the house should we ever divorce. Personally I felt they should stay out of it, but the deeper issue was the writing of such agreement in the first place. I didn't want to do it because I felt that it opened the door to the possibility and one that I didn't even want to think about, especially since we were about to be married. Katie countered with the statement that we weren't going to divorce so the writing of such a document wouldn't ever matter ever. I agreed but then countered.... why write one in the first place.
      In the end, she wrote a two sentence statement that we both signed. I never did read that statement, and she never did give it to her daughter to hold. It's somewhere in the house and I'm not even sure she knows where it is. I told her that I would embrace her decisions. I didn't emotionally embrace, but I did obey. Was a wrong? Love to hear your deep thoughts :)

  9. IH,

    I have re-read this post several times with the idea of trying to figure out your purpose. I wondered maybe if you are trying to reconcile the differences with your D/s relationship and the teachings of your religion. Do you have doubts on one or the other? Although most folks take it way beyond that, the bible is a historical document and, as such, it has inconsistencies and, often times, it's hard to apply to modern times. Look how many different religions have morphed from it. Maybe I'm just a more simplistic thinker, but I think D/s & chastity are perfectly in tune with most religion. This type of relationship encourages fidelity, service to other(s), and tend to make loving relationships stronger. On the other hand, maybe you just can't believe you have found a mate so in tune with your needs and desires that you are continually questioning her motives and beliefs. Go ahead and pinch yourself, Mrs Katie is not a dream. I think, with this type of relationship, changes are inevitable as each partner learns more about themselves and feels more comfortable in their respective role. Bottom line, it's all good and the world is lucky to have you & your blog. I continually enjoy reading, so keep up the good work. I suspect you have more readers out there than you think.

    1. Wishful4,
      The post I wrote was nothing more than questions my mind formed after reading Kathy's Femdom101 blog post on the topic. I merely reworded her statements into questions and passed them by Katie so we could discuss them. I often do this, meaning, I'll find something interesting and then ask Katie if I can read her a portion or all of a blog post because it was an interesting one, or just caught my curiousity for some reason. I always read the WYW posts to her, even though much of it doesn't apply to our specific situation but is interesting none the less. (should that be one word?)

      As to your comment of Religion and D/s. I am a believer in God. I too believe that D/s meshes with my religious beliefs and I do very much believe that being an 's' causes me to focus my mind, effort and love on my 'D' which is the very nature of what the Bible is all about.... to Love your neighbor as yourself.\

      Thanks for sharing, and thanks for the encouragement.

  10. When I tried bringing up the subject of religion on Femdom 101 there were no comments. Yet, a few weeks later there is this wonderful post on I'm Hers.
    And yes, people are talking about spirituality on a femdom blog. People are also talking about loving and caring, and the things that are important to couples in long term committed relationships. These are the types of discussions that will draw real women into FLRs. I love to be in the company of men who are not afraid to talk about the spiritual side of relationships.

    Love, Kathy

    1. Thanks Kathy for sharing. You know, before Katie and I really dived into our femdom relationship, I needed to process how all of this fit with Scripture. The only issue I see in all of D/s is the mandate that a husband should be the head of the home - not the wife. I don't know how or if, I should rationalize that what the intent of the writer of Ephesians is but I did rationalize that the intent of that passage could mean that just as their is a head within the trinity, there needs to be a head within a family unit. Katie, and yourself happen to be those respective heads within your/my family unit.

      Other than that, I see submission as a perfect solution to the tendency for a male to wander away from his spouse. That trait is everywhere in society. Men are by nature, restless creatures and they do need the loving reign of a woman to keep them in check. It is here that I believe D/s works and should be considered a viable alternative to the stale or cracking marriage. It works for us and I believe, as a pretty conservative guy, it would work for other like-minded couples.

      Love your comments

  11. Well I was going to respond but I don't think I could put it any better than Jake and Wishful4 . Good job guys. .....RR

    1. RR,
      You neither of them addressed how they rationalize D/s with respect to their religious/Biblical beliefs. Care to comment still? Love to hear your thoughts.

    2. Been very busy so haven't had a chance to get back . Throughout are marriage I have been told by many people family and friends that my wife was a natural leader . It think I felt somewhat intimated by this and tried to be something that that she was more capable doing. I came across s book I found online How to introduce your wife to a FLR for Christian men . It covers many things that we felt would work in our marriage and changed to a FLR and have never looked back. I think everyone is born with certain gifts in life and should use what works best for you in your relationship. That's about the best I can put it without getting to deep on the subject. Hope that helps you understand a little better. RR

    3. RR, Thanks. I always enjoy hearing from others. Now you have me curious..... what was the book that you gave your wife to introduce her to FLR? Have a great week!

  12. Alas, how soon "my public" forgets. ;-)

    If you were to flip back to the post you cited, you'll find my "deep thoughts" there. I had written a response nearly as long as the entry that inspired it!

    As I recall, I was trying to "talk you down off the ledge" because I was concerned that you were about to do something your heart told you not to, and was just considering it because "submissives are supposed to obey... period".

    In the end it sounds like you reached a compromise of sorts with the way it was handled, though I have to wonder it it ever rankles a bit when you allow yourself to think about it.



    1. Yes, I do remember now. Plato, I'm stuck in the Allegory of the Cave story that you once told and don't know reality anymore having only seen shadows for so many years now. They are my reality - the shadows of obedience, women in control, service, being told, etc. Is their a reality beyond th shadows that I see? Aren't those shadows real? hmmmm, I think I'm screwed in this wonderful submissive life that has become my reality.

      But yes, to your question, I do get rankled when I do think about that still. Time heals however.

  13. Another Christian here. The Christian concept of the servant leader, as described in the books "Every Man's Marriage" and "Discovering the Mind of a Woman", I find fits perfectly with a wife led marriage. The books talk about the husband having the heart of a servant for his wife, the master. The husband chooses to be his wife's servant, he makes her his master. The husband enters into this role when he marries. It is not enforced by the wife. So, the husband is his wife's servant, but it is a choice freely made.

    It is a choice the husband makes, but the role he accepts in exchange for being married to her is pretty radical. As one of the books puts it, the husband is to defer in all matters that are simply prefernces. He can only go against his master/wife if what she wants is un-Biblical. And this goes for the bedroom as well.

    Of course, a Christian wife is called to selflessly serve her husband too. But a servant leader defers to his wife, he does not ask her to defer to him. As many have noted, women tend to be much less selfish and giving than men. So a man agreeing to be his wife's servant really ends up just doing the things for her he always should have been doing.

    And there is a sexual componant; when the wife is the master one discovers she is not nearly as intersted in your sexual pleasure as you are. One way or another releases get rationed, intentionally or unintentionally. She is master of all of me and she is particullarly happy to have tamed one part of me she refers to as "it". The role "it" plays in our life has been reduced to a place I never would have dreamed was possible. A woman who I used to think adored my penis now openly expresses feelings quite the opposite.

    Well, I wrote much more than intended.