Sunday, May 12, 2013
Life isn't always perfect.
I think it’s easy as a blog writer to write in such a way, regarding life as a submissive man, that life is all peachy and perfect. It’s not. I’m human. Katie is human. We both make mistakes. We are both still learning. Issues arise and often decisions need to be made quickly with little thought. Sometimes there is regret about those decisions.
This post is about life that isn’t perfect. Today I wrote Katie an email because I was away at work overnight and I sometimes think that giving others time to think and process thoughts is better than responding spontaneously. My email was in response to a question Katie asked me. It caught me off guard and I found the question as one that surprised me in the fact that she’d even have to ask it. Her question got me thinking and I decided to write her about it as well as about other thoughts that I’ve kept inside over the past few months.
My issues go back to the promises made when we married. I posted those vows and in those vows we made promises to both dominate and submit. I didn't believe that Katie was expressing her dominance as much as she should. She’s asked me things that I didn't feel like I should be deciding. She’s allowed me to do some things that I didn't think I should have been permitted to do. I think I crossed the line between obeying and disobeying without a consequence.
I expressed all this with the hope that when I arrived home we would talk about my concerns. You see, to me there is a difference between being a man that does ‘stuff’ around the home, (e.g. chores), and being a man that knows that he is dependent on the woman who is his Mistress. I feel that I am too equal to Katie. I feel loved, which I hope never changes; I feel as if I am her best friend, which I hope to forever remain; but I don’t feel dominated. I don’t fear her as much as I think I should – something that I believe a submissive man should feel. I don’t feel that she tells me to do things she wants done because I know that she hesitates if she feels I am tired or busy. I don’t feel like she does little things like getting inside my head and asking me direct questions regarding my use of time, where my thought life has been or whether or not I’ve done anything I now regret. I have never been checked up on. She’s never gone through my wallet, my computer, its internet history or my address book, although she does monitor my emails. I'm not saying I'm hiding anything - I'm not, but I don't feel her watchful eye as much as I believe I should . Knowing she is in complete control is an effective deterrent to me slipping and doing something I, and she, will later regret.
I may be asking too much but when certain things have happened in the recent weeks, I thought there would be words spoken to address these things and there wasn't. As a man that doesn’t enjoy conflict, I am glad on one hand that she didn't confront me, yet on the other, I know that if she is to keep me tightly in her grasp as one in absolute control, then I believe things need to change.
Two days later, we did talk. I feel better. I asked her specific questions that I needed to have her answer to put my mind at ease. The end result brought out that she indeed does presume that she has complete ownership of me. She views me as her sub and not as one that is equal with her although she does love and respect me.
One of the issues we talked about were the times when she asked me to be a part of financial decisions. When she asked me on previous occasions I balked. I I didn’t want to be a part of that because I didn’t think it was my place since she receives all of our income into her account and pays all of our bills. She knows where we stand financially. I don’t. For that reason I hesitate to say ‘yes’ to spending money, or ‘no’, don’t spend your money on ‘that’. Her response: “It’s no fun, and it’s even frustrating at times, to make those decisions on my own without your input. I’m asking because I want your input. If I don’t want to do what you suggest I won’t, but when I ask, I want to hear your thoughts.”
Looking back I think I erred by not expressing my hesitancy to speak my mind when she wanted my input and opinions. I now understand her and will comply in the future. We chatted about other issues and they were resolved as well. She put my mind at ease. I could feel her ‘quiet dominance’ and once again that dominance drew me to her. I told her just how comforting it is to know she is in control of me. Although it doesn’t make sense, the more demanding she becomes, the more I feel her love and the more I desire to please her by my submission. Now we just need to live life as it comes and see how we do. When those same frustrating issues come around again I hope to respond as she would like and trust her guidance. After all, I did pledge to embrace her decisions and step aside so she could lead us as a couple.