Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Solace in Submission. Solace in Control
When I first married some 30 years ago I fell in love with a woman. We shared our life together. We did most things together as a couple. We enjoyed one another’s company. Over the years, life happened. Stresses entered. The honeymoon didn’t last forever. Tensions entered our lives regarding, finances, relationships, how to raise children, house maintenance, expectations, etc. We came to view life, priorities, finances, and how we wanted to spend our time differently. We changed. Stressors tested us and we failed miserably many times handling many situations. Eventually our marriage broke.
As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up with conservative roots. No one in my family has ever severed a marriage. Yet I did. It was painful and was something I hated going through and yet knew there was no way to ever resolve what was broken. It was that pain that caused me to self-reflect and do a lot of self evaluation. In looking back, a key component to the stress was the tension created by our inability to fully see the others point of view. It was our failure to concede to the other. It was our incapability to let one partner lead and the other to follow. There was no head of the home and as a result we fought over things that we had no business arguing over.
I knew that I never wanted to go back to that place in life again with another woman. I hated, not liking another person. I hated myself for feeling that way. Yet I didn’t know how to fix the problem and I didn’t want to admit that there were many times when my decisions weren’t the best ones. We said things that burnt indelible scars on our souls. Pride, hurt, insecurity and mounting history of pain had much to do with what broke that bond.
What I have come to learn with my marriage to Katie, and my submission to her prior to our matrimonial bond is the peace that has come when I chose to submit. I don’t know that she would have married me if I hadn’t said the words “I promise to always obey you” in my marriage vow. She told me before we ever married that she’d never go back to an egalitarian relationship after we tried it prior to marriage. Although that comment wasn’t delivered as an ultimatum of ‘marry me as a submissive or else,’ I understood that she realized just how much she desired our relationship to function with her at the helm and me in a supportive role – e.g. as her submissive counterpart.
I knew without a doubt that Katie loved me and it was that loving bond that formed as time elapsed that serves as the foundation of our marriage. Yet there is a gigantic block sitting on top of that foundation that is our femdom relationship. It is all encompassing. Everything we do is impacted by the fact that she is my head and I am powerless to decide and delegate without her permission. It’s as if those two blocks have meshed over the years into one solid bolder that now defines us and how we relate, interact and function as a team.
As a middle-aged man, I have finally found long term peace. Katie has found that same solace. We both have learned, quite by chance, that living in a wife led marriage is what works best for us. For her to assume the head and for me to submit is not odd. It’s not abnormal. In virtually every aspect of life there is order. Every family unit has that structure – it may not be quite as defined as that found in a WLM but its there. It was in my former marriage. It was there but the leadership was not given to just one partner. It was divided, and in that division, that divided leadership, became the cause of our marital tension. I thought I was the head. She thought she was the head. There was no solution when we periodically butted heads when situations arose. Katie and I don’t have those issues. We have had tensions. There have been times when I have not agreed with her, yet I have been able to step back and ‘let go’. I’ve been able to take a deep breath and tell myself to trust. I’ve let her decide because I made the promise to obey. Letting go is not completely natural. It’s becoming more natural but there is still a part of me that wants to control and decide. Katie likes my input. She wants to hear what I have to say, but in the end she expects me to trust her.
You know, as a child there is security in knowing that you are safe with mom and dad around. When at work, there is security in knowing that if you do what is expected from your boss, that they will have your back. When on a team, there is a sense of peace that happens when you do what the coach wants even though you may think another way is better. By trusting, you agree to give your will to another. By trusting you allow another to take responsibility and bear the weight of that decision. By trusting you free yourself from the stress of worry of the decision at hand. I love trusting Katie, not because I don’t like deciding but because I have found that by trusting her I can focus my energy supporting her and keeping her back.
Giving up control gives her power. Watching her lead is sexy. I love knowing that I am married to a woman that is a take-charge girl. I love knowing that she loves having me be there to support and embrace her decisions. I really love being the man, that when asked to ‘do this’ or ‘do you want to do go here’ by others, that I can respond by telling friends that those are decisions Katie will be making, or telling them that I need to pass that suggestion by Katie first. I don’t respond as one that is a spineless husband but rather conveys to others that I have Katie’s thoughts and interest at heart. Does that make sense?
Ladies, if you are a married woman, wouldn’t you love to live as Katie lives? Wouldn’t you love to bounce ideas, thoughts, and aspirations off of your husband or boyfriend and then make decisions that you feel are best? Wouldn’t you love to be that woman that can tell him that you don’t feel comfortable making ‘this’ decision and require him to make it on your behalf? Wouldn’t you love to have the freedom to know that your path in life will be set by you with the complete backing and support of him? Wouldn’t you love to have complete control of your finances knowing that you can spend what income you have as you see fit? Wouldn’t you love to go to bed without feeling an inkling of stress about sex because you know that he fully understands that whatever happens or doesn’t happen is totally up to you?
For me, that is what living in a wife led marriage is about. It’s about being there for her. It’s knowing that she is the one that will always decide. It’s knowing that when we discuss and have differing viewpoints that she will hear my thoughts but decide as she feels is best. It’s trusting her. It’s leaning on her. It’s a world view of life in which her interests, her wants, her desires become the axis about which all revolves. It’s loving her like I’ve never loved before and seeing her through the prism of one I’d never want to be without.
One of the things I have found myself doing recently is leaning my head on her shoulder when we sit side by side in the evening. It’s an action I usually think of a woman doing, not a man. Yet when I do it I feel feelings that I associate with my ever increasing dependence and trust in her. I feel so loved and so cared for that resting my head on her small shoulder is simply an expression of my love for Katie and an acknowledgement of me wanting to rest in her as my superior. It’s as if I need to lean on her; I want to have her hold me. I want to nuzzle in close to her breast and rest there knowing she is my source of strength.
This change has come slowly. I didn’t even feel the change. Yet when I step back I can see changes in my attitude and how differently I view things now. I have become so much more dependent. I want to cuddle her. Her presence gives me such security. I know she loves to be held but I feel so secure when I can be held by her. I feel loved and cared for when she holds me. I am completely at peace as I can rest in her strength as my Mistress wife.
There is such a peace to being hers. Katie will tell you the same. There is peace and security on her part in knowing she has a husband that she knows will obey her. She loves having me there as her partner. Femdom – meaning – she lovingly-leads and I lovingly-obey makes for a beautiful way to live. I wish more couples would come to see this. I was blinded to it in my past marriage. I don’t know if I could have ever moved from living as I did to submitting to one that caused me such pain (as I viewed it) and I don’t know if you can if you are experiencing those same emotions. But if you are living happily or if you feeling that there is something missing from your marriage, it sure may be worth having discussions and consider living with her in charge. There is no hurry and the steps can be small. Give it a try. Give femdom a chance. Be that supportive man. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. When she asks you your opinion, share it but tell her you will embrace whatever she decides. I think you will find that your bond will grow and you will see one another with a new set of eyes that come to appreciate the strength and love in each other in ways you haven’t seen before.