Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Solace in Submission. Solace in Control

When I first married some 30 years ago I fell in love with a woman. We shared our life together. We did most things together as a couple. We enjoyed one another’s company. Over the years, life happened. Stresses entered. The honeymoon didn’t last forever. Tensions entered our lives regarding, finances, relationships, how to raise children, house maintenance, expectations, etc. We came to view life, priorities, finances, and how we wanted to spend our time differently.  We changed. Stressors tested us and we failed miserably many times handling many situations. Eventually our marriage broke.

As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up with conservative roots. No one in my family has ever severed a marriage. Yet I did. It was painful and was something I hated going through and yet knew there was no way to ever resolve what was broken.  It was that pain that caused me to self-reflect and do a lot of self evaluation.  In looking back, a key component to the stress was the tension created by our inability to fully see the others point of view. It was our failure to concede to the other. It was our incapability to let one partner lead and the other to follow. There was no head of the home and as a result we fought over things that we had no business arguing over.

I knew that I never wanted to go back to that place in life again with another woman.  I hated, not liking another person. I hated myself for feeling that way. Yet I didn’t know how to fix the problem and I didn’t want to admit that there were many times when my decisions weren’t the best ones. We said things that burnt indelible scars on our souls. Pride, hurt, insecurity and mounting history of pain had much to do with what broke that bond.

What I have come to learn with my marriage to Katie, and my submission to her prior to our matrimonial bond is the peace that has come when I chose to submit.  I don’t know that she would have married me if I hadn’t said the words “I promise to always obey you” in my marriage vow. She told me before we ever married that she’d never go back to an egalitarian relationship after we tried it prior to marriage. Although that comment wasn’t delivered as an ultimatum of ‘marry me as a submissive or else,’ I understood that she realized just how much she desired our relationship to function with her at the helm and me in a supportive role – e.g. as her submissive counterpart.

I knew without a doubt that Katie loved me and it was that loving bond that formed as time elapsed that serves as the foundation of our marriage. Yet there is a gigantic block sitting on top of that foundation that is our femdom relationship. It is all encompassing. Everything we do is impacted by the fact that she is my head and I am powerless to decide and delegate without her permission. It’s as if those two blocks have meshed over the years into one solid bolder that now defines us and how we relate, interact and function as a team.

As a middle-aged man, I have finally found long term peace. Katie has found that same solace. We both have learned, quite by chance, that living in a wife led marriage is what works best for us.  For her to assume the head and for me to submit is not odd.  It’s not abnormal. In virtually every aspect of life there is order. Every family unit has that structure – it may not be quite as defined as that found in a WLM but its there. It was in my former marriage. It was there but the leadership was not given to just one partner. It was divided, and in that division, that divided leadership, became the cause of our marital tension. I thought I was the head. She thought she was the head. There was no solution when we periodically butted heads when situations arose. Katie and I don’t have those issues.  We have had tensions. There have been times when I have not agreed with her, yet I have been able to step back and ‘let go’. I’ve been able to take a deep breath and tell myself to trust. I’ve let her decide because I made the promise to obey.  Letting go is not completely natural. It’s becoming more natural but there is still a part of me that wants to control and decide.  Katie likes my input. She wants to hear what I have to say, but in the end she expects me to trust her.

You know, as a child there is security in knowing that you are safe with mom and dad around.  When at work, there is security in knowing that if you do what is expected from your boss, that they will have your back. When on a team, there is a sense of peace that happens when you do what the coach wants even though you may think another way is better. By trusting, you agree to give your will to another. By trusting you allow another to take responsibility and bear the weight of that decision. By trusting you free yourself from the stress of worry of the decision at hand.  I love trusting Katie, not because I don’t like deciding but because I have found that by trusting her I can focus my energy supporting her and keeping her back.

Giving up control gives her power. Watching her lead is sexy. I love knowing that I am married to a woman that is a take-charge girl. I love knowing that she loves having me be there to support and embrace her decisions. I really love being the man, that when asked to ‘do this’ or ‘do you want to do go here’ by others, that I can respond by telling friends that those are decisions Katie will be making, or telling them that I need to pass that suggestion by Katie first.  I don’t respond as one that is a spineless husband but rather conveys to others that I have Katie’s thoughts and interest at heart. Does that make sense?

Ladies, if you are a married woman, wouldn’t you love to live as Katie lives? Wouldn’t you love to bounce ideas, thoughts, and aspirations off of your husband or boyfriend and then make decisions that you feel are best? Wouldn’t you love to be that woman that can tell him that you don’t feel comfortable making ‘this’ decision and require him to make it on your behalf? Wouldn’t you love to have the freedom to know that your path in life will be set by you with the complete backing and support of him?  Wouldn’t you love to have complete control of your finances knowing that you can spend what income you have as you see fit? Wouldn’t you love to go to bed without feeling an inkling of stress about sex because you know that he fully understands that whatever happens or doesn’t happen is totally up to you?
For me, that is what living in a wife led marriage is about. It’s about being there for her. It’s knowing that she is the one that will always decide. It’s knowing that when we discuss and have differing viewpoints that she will hear my thoughts but decide as she feels is best. It’s trusting her. It’s leaning on her. It’s a world view of life in which her interests, her wants, her desires become the axis about which all revolves. It’s loving her like I’ve never loved before and seeing her through the prism of one I’d never want to be without.

One of the things I have found myself doing recently is leaning my head on her shoulder when we sit side by side in the evening. It’s an action I usually think of a woman doing, not a man. Yet when I do it I feel feelings that I associate with my ever increasing dependence and trust in her. I feel so loved and so cared for that resting my head on her small shoulder is simply an expression of my love for Katie and an acknowledgement of me wanting to rest in her as my superior. It’s as if I need to lean on her; I want to have her hold me. I want to nuzzle in close to her breast and rest there knowing she is my source of strength.

This change has come slowly. I didn’t even feel the change. Yet when I step back I can see changes in my attitude and how differently I view things now. I have become so much more dependent. I want to cuddle her. Her presence gives me such security. I know she loves to be held but I feel so secure when I can be held by her. I feel loved and cared for when she holds me. I am completely at peace as I can rest in her strength as my Mistress wife. 

There is such a peace to being hers. Katie will tell you the same. There is peace and security on her part in knowing she has a husband that she knows will obey her. She loves having me there as her partner. Femdom – meaning – she lovingly-leads and I lovingly-obey makes for a beautiful way to live.  I wish more couples would come to see this.  I was blinded to it in my past marriage.  I don’t know if I could have ever moved from living as I did to submitting to one that caused me such pain (as I viewed it) and I don’t know if you can if you are experiencing those same emotions. But if you are living happily or if you feeling that there is something missing from your marriage, it sure may be worth having discussions and consider living with her in charge.  There is no hurry and the steps can be small. Give it a try. Give femdom a chance. Be that supportive man. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want. When she asks you your opinion, share it but tell her you will embrace whatever she decides.  I think you will find that your bond will grow and you will see one another with a new set of eyes that come to appreciate the strength and love in each other in ways you haven’t seen before.

I’m Hers

17 comments:

  1. If you have ever seen an older couple interviewed, they usually ask them what is the secret to making your marriage last a lifetime? The man will usually respond (tongue-in-cheek) with something like "I do whatever she says". I'm beginning to believe that this is not so tongue-in-cheek any more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dan, The other day I was checking up on a friend that had surgery and he asked how things were going at home. I told him "Things are great. I'm just doing whatever my wife tells me to do". I think you're "spot on" with your assessment
      as to what makes a successful marriage. I'm enjoying your blog.

      Delete
  2. A truly beautiful piece that brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.

    I hope this post will encourage many more women to embrace a kink free, wife led marriage and more men to seek one. And maybe persuade those ladies currently leading their men to share on your blog as you have invited them to. Please ladies do come and share your experiences and wisdom; there are many men who would love for their wives to lead them but whose wives are put off by the kink in most 'fem-dom' blogs.

    Tony

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the comments MHD. I hope as well that women will feel open to contact me so that I can host their writing on this blog. I have been in contact with one woman and hope that others will follow her lead. Thanks for
      your email the other day. It was good to hear from you.

      Delete
  3. IH,

    Just when I think you have written your best post, you top it again. Everyone into this lifestyle should share this post with their spouse. Mrs Katie must simply be in awe after reading your beautiful description of your feelings. Thanks for sharing with all of us. Simply beautiful!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wishful4, this is Katie. I do love reading my husband's posts. I believe that he really has a talent for putting his thoughts and emotions in print. Reading that I bring peace to him makes me happy. I'm glad that you enjoy reading his posts and respond to them.

      Delete
    2. Mrs Katie, thanks for your reply. Sometime in the future, when you are comfortable doing so, I hope you will return and write about your experiences on this journey into a "wife led marriage". How do you go about managing this new dynamic in your relationship? In the beginning, what resources and experiences did you find helpful and what were not helpful? Did you have setbacks and second thoughts and how did you get past them? This information would be so helpful to many couples out there such as us that are on the same road as the two of you, although, many miles behind. You and I'mHers are so lucky to have found each other and I wish you both the very best!

      Delete
    3. Greetings to Katie and to I'm Hers

      Ms Katie, I'd like to echo the thoughts from Wishful4 - such input would be of immense help to others on this journey, particularly when they hit rocky patches.

      There has been a suggestion that I'm Hers write a book. I would like to suggest a 'dream team' book authored by I'm Hers and Ms Kathy (core perspectives from both sides of a D/S relationship) with input from 'your other halves'. Much of the material sits on each of your blogs, I'd suggest. Copies would 'fly off the shelves'. If you all did that, you should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize!

      Tony

      Delete
    4. MHD, Bribery will get you know where!!!! LOL

      The last 'dream team' was the Philadelphia Eagles and they where a miserable mess! I'd rather not be apart of such chaos and failure :)

      Thanks tho for the input and ideas.

      To you and Wishful4, just know that this was most likely a rare appearance by Katie. Writing and emailing is not something she relishes. But who knows, she may be by again. Have a wonderful weekend, guys!

      Delete
  4. I agree best post so far. This is one I will share with my wife.If you ever decide to write a book on FLR I will be first in line to buy it.This is truly what FLR is about. R R

    ReplyDelete
  5. RR, Love to know what your wife's thoughts were. I've thought many times about writing a book, but feel overwhelmed about starting a project of that size.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read some of your blog to my wife. She said its wonderful and is really glad that there are other people we can share our lifestyle with. August 18 is our 2 year anniversary for our FLR we feel closer than ever. I really plan on doing something special for her.RR

      Delete
    2. RR, I am sincerely happy for you and your wife that it's been two years in a FLR. I hope you have many more years together living and loving her as your marriage ages and matures. Happy anniversary!

      Delete
  6. Geat post IH, and it's wonderful to read comments from your beloved Katie.

    Could you share how you the two of you began your FLR? Did it evolve naturally? Was there an undercurrent of submission and domination? How did the conversation begin? Does conversing about such things come easy to both of you?

    For my wife and I, she does not like to discuss relationship matters but is fully embracing her role as the loving female authority in our marriage.

    Thank you,

    Scott

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HSS, Thanks for the compliment. You know, I was traveling today and talking to Katie. I asked if she'd help me answer comments that the blog received this morning and while I went through a cell dead spot, she wrote a response for me which I really appreciated. I don't know if that will happen again, but it's a start. :)

      As to your questions, this post talks about our beginning http://im-hers.blogspot.com/2011/02/how-it-all-started.html

      I do think our relationship evolved naturally. We had our ups and downs those first few months as so much of what, at least I, thought of D/s was influenced by the many kink D/s blogs out there. It took awhile for the two of us to sort through the rif-raf and get to the heart of what worked for us. I do think there was an undercurrent of D/s as Katie really took control of our relationship romantically when we first met. I think that set the tone. I remember thinking to myself, "wow, now this is different" LOL. But it was different in a fantastic way and one that really got me thinking.

      I understand the comment about your wife not wanting to talk about relationship but I'd encourage you to help her through that. Talking about everything - especially talking about the two of you is so important. Katie doesn't dwell on talking about D/s much. It's not that she won't bring it up if she has something that concerns her but it's not something that we discuss on a daily matter. But, if there is something she wants me to do, or if there is something that bothers her, she is completely honest and straight forward in talking to me to make sure we are on the same page.

      Delete
    2. I wish I had your gift of the word, I'm Hers.

      The relationship between my Wife and me developed gradually into an FLR, even when my Wife doesn't see it this way. I try to please Her, to be obedient to Her without showinf my submissiveness too much.

      I am very happy She accepts me like I am.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

      appy

      Delete
    3. Appy, Thank you. And I haven't forgotten your question from a previous post that I just have not had time to write about yet.

      You know, I think most couples enter into this gradually. I'm sure there is some significant change that probably happens - some kind of agreement or talk or similar - but then I'm sure things just happen by chance and at the pace of the wife's choosing. Just read 'Serving Hers' blog. They are just getting started and it's interesting to read how they are slowly changing.

      Delete