Saturday, August 10, 2013

One (of many) Benefit of a FLR or WLM

Mistress Ivy posted a question recently asking if men are looking for a FLR or a Mistress.  I found the question interesting as it delved into the motivations, wants and desires of men and women that have given this question some thought.

 A desire I have is helping women see the many benefits, to both partners, when she agrees and accepts leadership responsibilities within her home.  As Mistress Ivy pointed out, many women are turned off by thinking that if they become the head of their home in one of these ‘female led relationships’, ‘wife led marriages’ or become the ‘dominant’ partner, ‘superior partner’ or ‘mistress wife’ that they are obligated to adding uncomfortable kink to their sex life.  The above phrases and words used by many to describe a woman that assumes control of her man and family are just that – words and phrases.

What I believe women fail to see is that she can do anything she wants and tailor how children are raised, what her husband does around the home, how money is spent, etc, and make the home function exactly how she desires.  When she has control her ability to communicate increases because she knows she won’t be confronted or resisted. What happens symultaneously is increased communication on his part as his dependency necessitates increased conversation.  When a wife is in charge she comes to understand that there are no preordained rules. She sets the rules (hopefully with her husband embracing them as well) to her liking and not to that of what she may find on the web. In the bedroom she can have sex as little or often as she wants. In the kitchen she can do as much or little cooking as she wants. She can have family meetings; decide when it’s time to go to bed, decide if she wants company shopping, and if not, who will be going to get what’s needed. In a WLM, life for the family unit changes in ways that she feels will be best for all. What woman wouldn’t want that power and freedom?

The most important reason for living in a WLM (from my point of view) is to help the marriage maintain its health. With so many failing and failed marriages I would think the foundational desire all would want is a close love-relationship.  People fall in love with another when they feel cared, when they share common interests, morals, values, and aspirations, and when the other person is fun to be around. Marriages become stressed, fracture and fail when partners no longer see the good in the other person, feel free to criticize unfairly, argue, fight, and distance themselves from one another physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  What wife led marriages do so well is eliminate many of these potential poison darts from sticking. When one assumes control, the other must follow. When a husband obeys his wife, follows her leadership, focuses his energy on her, helps around the house, desires to please her as she wishes, lets her make financial, vacation, and various family decisions (with the input of her husband) and controls the bedroom without resistance from him, many divisive issues can be thwarted.

Call a woman what you wish. I call Katie my mistress wife at times. I call her sweetheart. I call her Katie-girl, I call her my delectable sweet and beautiful wife and a thousand other complimentary phrases, but regardless of whether I ask my ‘Domme’ if I can use the credit card to purchase lunch, or call ‘Katie’ and tell her that work is running an hour longer than expected, she knows that I love her. She also knows that I realize she’s in charge both by the words I use to describe her, as well from the very fact that I am calling or texting to ask or inform about most everything in my life. We talk all the time.

You may think that she is overbearing. She is, but she isn’t. You see, her desire is to keep me close to her heart. My desire is to keep her in the know because she’s told me that’s what she wants and now expects. I text mostly to let her know where I am, what I’m doing, if I can spend money, when I’ll be home, remind her of appointments she has during the day, etc.  Those things let her know where I am what I am doing and keep me thinking of her even when we are apart. Those rules she’s imposed serve as a hedge against me straying into temptations that I need not experience.  I don’t have hidden closets because I don’t have time to build them. If she doesn’t hear from me she calls to check on me. If she has a concern she expresses it and expects me to answer honestly. Our continual contact keeps communication lines open, gives us things to talk about and discuss and reaffirms our marital roles as dominant and submissive. Our communication keeps us talking. We stay best friends. We embrace when we part because we’d rather be together, and we embrace when we see one another because we desire to be in one another’s arms.

If I could drive home one point it would be this. Being dominant is not weird. It’s not odd. It’s not out of the ordinary. Likewise, having a submissive husband is not atypical. Most wives call most of the shots at home anyway. Most wives make childrearing decisions. They control the bedroom. They shop, they plan menus, they handle bills, they decide or agree to where vacations will be spent, who will babysit the kids, decide if money should be spent on this or that and a hundred other decisions. As one wrestling official once told me, “when I’m in this circle (pointing to the circle of the wrestling mat), I’m in charge. When I’m outside that circle, my wife is in charge.”  Men realize the power their wife has. 

Rather than dwelling on the thought of ‘do I really want to be my husbands’ Mistress Wife, or dominant partner, or be viewed by him as the head of our home, wouldn’t it be healthier to view this from the perspective of, ‘I’m making sure he will always love me’, ‘I’m helping the two of us communicate better’, ‘I’m doing things with him that I will love and I know he will enjoy as well’, or ‘I’m going to leave the bedroom disheveled each morning, just to remind him that he is here to make me happy and I know he will be thinking about me while he is picking up my things and making the bed?

You see, there are two ways to look at WLM, FLR, and D/s relationships. You can look at it from a ‘kink’ point of view, but it’s only kinky if you make it that way. And if you make it that way and enjoy it, then it’s not kinky – it’s ‘you’! I can tell you that Katie doesn’t view it that way at all. She views it from the perspective of ‘what he does for me and how he acts is because he loves me, he loves submitting to me’. She, in turn, very much loves the control and freedom she has and the attention I give her through the many chores I do around the home and the way that I treat her daily.  Yet she does add a bit of fun into our relationship by locking me in chastity. Katie told me to lock years ago, yet for months, she really didn’t have much to do with it.  She locked me to curb masturbation issues and to make sure I would only forever more be hers. I wanted to do this. Yet she didn’t want to turn it into a ‘kink’. She just wanted me locked. She didn’t gawk or focus on the fact that I was locked. She just knew that I was.  What I realized is that locking kept me from even thinking about cheating or even flirting with another woman. I couldn’t ever pursue another woman. The option wasn’t even there. That was the hedge she provided for my own safety.  I immediately realized that a locked man can’t stand to urinate. He needs to use a stall. That caused me to think about her – all the time. That may sound odd, but it works. I feel her control when I’m locked. I know that I’m ‘owned’, that I’m her property, that I belong to her. I feel her presence. I have come to love that ‘feel’ because I love her and it keeps that love fresh and near to my heart all the time – along with all the communication we have during the day via talking and texting – even while at work. Locking has nothing to do with kink. It has to do with her expressing love in helping me to never stray from her emotionally or physically.

So ladies, who are you? How do you want your husband to perceive you? Do you want him to view you as a woman that he can manipulate, take for granted, or forget from time to time? Do you want him to live his life as he sees fit, do things without regard to how you feel, and tell you things after-the-fact – if he tells you at all? Or do you want a man that learns to live with you as his first priority in life?  Wouldn’t you rather have a man that communicates and shares from his heart, keeps no secrets, doesn’t live his life in front of the TV, doesn’t spend all evening in front of the computer, helps around the home, actually is a dad with your children and dotes over you while at home and away with friends? Would you prefer him to tell you it’s time to go home when you are in the middle of a great conversation with friends or would you rather decide when it’s time to go home? The choice is yours. Someone needs to make final decisions. One of you needs to assume leadership. Wouldn’t you rather it be you?

 A couple needs to find ways of preventing a marriage from losing its spark. Women love feeling loved, love being proud of their man, love knowing that she can trust him, love knowing that he will always be her best friend. What better way to keep all that then to determine how the two of you will live.  I hope you give this option some serious thought. There is no shame in being a Mistress – just ask Katie.  She loves being MY Mistress wife and has told me so many many times.

I’m Hers

22 comments:

  1. I would love to find a man such as yourself who truly wants and desires a FLR. Your Katie is a very lucky woman, I envy her and what you two have. I find your blog to be inspirational and informative, thank you.

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  2. You know, if you had met me several years ago, you'd find me to be a 'nice guy' but one that would have never ever have given thought to a FLR. Yet all along, that desire, or need, or whatever you want to call it was harboring itself inside of me all along. I mention that because I would think that if you approached a man that you truly loved and whom you wanted to keep close to you and talk to him about trying a FLR you might be surprised by the reception of your idea. It takes time for people that have never ever heard about this to realize the benefits that could be his - and yours.

    I'm glad that you find what's written here helpful. My hope is that women, moreso than men, will realize that this may be a way to keep the man they love from falling out of love and just living that 'blasay life' that characterizes so many marriages. Stop by again and sign off with some type of initials so I can recognize you. Just make up a name like 'XYZ" or "JKP" or similar.

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  3. I am a submissive man who never found a dominant woman. There are a lot of men who are looking for this type of relationship but it is rare that the woman actually writes the first letter to the man even on the internet. When I write to women I usually find out they live too far from me, are pro dommes or for some other reason they are not compatible (just like a regular vanilla compatibility). It has been very difficult for me to live my life this way and I have a lot of regrets. I wish I wasn't submissive but to Anonymous, I suggest you take the first step if you see the profile of a man you like and tell him what you want from the start.

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  4. Thank you Anonymous2 for your suggestion, I will consider it. I have not had much success in finding submissive males in my area or online. The few I have found online are either too far away in location or they are only interested in the sex they think will be forced which excites them. As this blog and others like it shows there is so much more to a FLR.

    To I'm Hers, initials I will use are mine plus year of birth MH1956. I've been reading your blog for a little over a year now at the suggestion of a friend. I look forward to reading more of your postings.

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    1. MH, I'm curious...... was the friend that referred you to this blog a man or a women? I have this impression that 95% of the readers of this blog are men but I may be wrong. I was so happy to see that you posted as it's rare to have women express themselves her. Thanx!

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    2. I have just a comment for the anonymous ms. Many men really don't realize our submissiveness and desire to serve until later in life. Much of our younger life consists of skirt chasing and is mainly focused on sex. Doesn't flatter us much, but it is what it is. My suggestion is to not look specifically for a submissive man, simply try and find a partner you like being with, get along well with, and have much in common with. As your relationship blossoms, you will have the opportunity to have "the talk" about what type of long term relationship you would like to have with a life partner. If he loves you, he may be open to experience a FLR, because it's something that he realizes is very important to you. I say this because, I fear that, if you only look for submissives, you will only find those as you described in your previous comment. I'm sure IH could describe it much better than me, but what I'm trying to say is; a loving relationship comes first and, IMO, true submission can't exist with out unconditional love and complete trust.

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    3. I agree with Wishful4, but also would add that many men live thier lives in denial of their submissive desires because society would deem them "unmanly". This creates cognitive dissonance through our desire to "be a man", and our submissive desires, which society has conditioned us to believe are in conflict.

      They are not, but many submissive men live in deep shame for their feelings, and thus go through on/off stages. So it's quite possible, and I'd even say it's probble, that you've been surrounded by submissive men all your life and they have been denying it or covering it up.

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  5. Hi IH,

    Just a short note and a thank you for this posting. I forwarded it on to my spouse so she could read it as well. You continue to amaze me with you ability to put a pen to your thoughts. I look forward to hearing what my spouse thinks of your post and will pass along her response. Again, great post.

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    1. Thanks Wishful4, I look forward to hearing what she thinks.

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  6. Very well Written from top to bottom.

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  7. Sweetie, I beleive you have a beautifully written blog that appeals to women as well as men. Based on the emails it is my beleif that most women readers prefer to stay on the sidelines when it comes to commenting on blogs.
    It is most refreshing to hear men talk about such things as intimacy, closeness, love, as well as long term relationships. These are the topics generally discussed by women's magazines, not in a blog written by a guy. What I do beleive is that femdom brings out a gentler, kinder, sweeter side of men. Love, Kathy

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    1. Kathy,
      I don't know if I'm kinder and more sensitive than most men. But I have definitely become more aware of what women enjoy and need and want and maybe that is where the change in me has come from. I also know that I am not one to go against the tide and cause conflict so it's probably in my genes to please and be 'aware' of what Katie enjoys or dislikes. As to the blog, I'm glad you enjoy the read. I would love women to stop by and read and as I write, I have been thinking 'now would a woman enjoy reading and approve of this'? If not, I tend to stay away from topics that would disinterest them.

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  8. This would be a good post for someone who was wanting to approach her wife or girlfriend about FLR. I know when I asked mine I was apprehensive about what she might think. I think a lot of men think more about the sexual side of FLR and not what's in it for the woman. This post gives a true picture of what your relationship can become when a man truly submits himself to a FLR. R R

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  9. Thanks RR, I wrote this with a woman reader in mind when I wrote it. But then there is the sexual part - the two need to work hand in hand - but life is about way more than the small amount of time spent being intimate - it's just us men think about that time, all the time, hoping, that time will come once more. Ahhh, we are such simple creatures.

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    1. I would just like to say thanks for all the effort you put into your posts. You can tell you put a lot of time and thought in every topic you put in you blog. I think I speak for many people who read this. R R

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    2. Thanks RR! I appreciate your words! I really do.

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  10. Baby, a person may be into femdom or not. Either way femdom, FLM, or whatever you want to call it is real. It is a growing lifestyle in the United States and some other western contries. It is growing for a reason,
    and for one reason only, it works. In any marraige there needs to be a person who is in charge. My husband is not abused. John is happiest, and most satisfied when taking his marching orders from me. Even though we have been married for more years than most people reading your blog have been alive, there is still a sense of hightened intimacy in our marriage. The things I do as a mistress wife bring my husband closer. This is the message that my daughter is now begining to understand. Soemone told me that the divource rate in the United States is close to 50%. This may or may be correct, but either way the divource rate is too high. In a marraige it is important for a wife to understand her husband. Young women today are paying too mcuh attention to their careers, not enough to their men. If a husband is submissive, and many are, a wife needs to be the mistress.

    Kathy

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  11. IH,

    One more though for the day. In the studio men told me things about themselves they would never have told their wives. This taught me a lesson.
    A wife needs to let her man know that he can tell her anything without fear of rejection. A wife needs to talk with her husband in a way that he is not afraid to open up about the inner most secrets of his soul. Being a wife and saying I love you means accepting a man for who he is.

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    1. Kathy, you are a wise woman. I'm sure there is a bit of fear in taking charge of a marriage when that is unknown territory for a woman. SHe needs to stay strong despite resistance, challenge, and disappointment when things don't always work the way she had hoped - or when her husband isn't acting as he should. Being a mistress, I would think, from what I know with Katie, is a quality gained through life experiences and time spent being one.

      I agree, that too many women focus outside the home, rather than on their marriage and man, and men by nature, tend to not be relational creatures, unless taught to do so.

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    2. I guess she also needs to stay strong when he isn't 'acting up'. Some women are scared of taking control however " easy" their husbands try to make it.

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  12. This is Anon2,

    To follow up on the post, I looked at the link for Around Her Finger and of course no links for personals. Most of the FLR sites have outdated personals if any. I did start to post on mainstream sites because that is where women are but again they are reticent about listing these things.

    To MH, you are about 4 years older than I am. I think most women come to it late but men realize it when they are younger, at least I did, and I knew as a teenager. Yes, I am attracted to sex but I am also attracted to much more of having a woman in control.

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    1. To Anon2, yes I did realize late that FLR is what I seek. I came to this realization 9 years ago and been searching since with no success. For many years since I was a young girl I tried the "man" being incharge as that was way women were raised back then with no success in lasting longterm; from there I moved on to the equal relationship with same outcome. My dominant nature came out and things quickly ended. That is when it hit me that what I want and need is the right man wanting the same as I; to be in a committed FLR. Finding a truly submissive male is so much easier said than done. I don't know if for some men they feel it's a weakness or if I'm just searching in wrong places. But I do keep the hope that one day... In meantime I continue to follow IH's blog and a couple others to see how FLR is working for those who are lucky enough to find it .... MH

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