Monday, August 26, 2013

Thoughts on Sex from a Woman's Perspective

Two posts ago I spoke about sex from my perspective.  As I write this I’m lying in bed naked and locked next to Katie. We are watching TV and she will most likely dose off to sleep for the night in a few minutes.  There won’t be any real intimacy tonight because it’s not what she wants. That’s how we live and that is how I love it. I know not to ask or push my sexual desires because we have an understanding that sex only happens when she desires it - period.
When I was previously married, we didn’t live our life the way Katie and I do now. Oh, there were plenty of nights where I wanted sex and she didn’t. Of course nothing happened since it takes two to tango, even in a vanilla relationship. But there was a difference in how we handled those conflicts.  Typically I’d initiate the foreplay. She’d not respond. I’d try again. She’d tell me ‘not now’. I’d refuse to take ‘no’ for a answer and come at her again. This time she’d be more vocal telling me she was tired, or not in the mood. Still not getting what I wanted I would press my luck once more but always lose. I’d get mad and roll over in a huff and go to sleep mad.  She got upset and fall asleep feeling unloved. We ended up further apart rather than closer together as a result of our little ritual that we’d acted out hundreds of time. The next time I wanted sex and she didn’t we’d repeat the aforementioned process and end up the same way – upset with one another. I felt unloved. She felt I didn’t understand and only loved her when we did have sex. Our times of intimacy were infrequent and often there was a subtle wall present, even if we didn’t want to acknowledge it when we made love.  Leave it to say, there was lots of sexual tension in that marriage.
I wanted to write this post addressing vanilla women more so than men. If you (ladies) have sexual tensions or frustrations you can probably identify with either how I inappropriately (and desperately) acted when I wanted sex, or how my ex-wife felt each time she pushed me away because she didn’t feel like she could open her heart. I’m sure there are lots of times that you can think of when the desire for sex created more problems with your intimacy than it solved.
As Katie’s submissive I made promises to love, obey, adore and trust her. By submitting I made a conscious decision to put her needs, wants and desires above my own. In the realm of our sex life, that meant being intimate when she wanted me but accepting her decision to not be close and do so without complaining. There’s a truth in the saying “the ‘no’s always win”. That statement is true in so many areas of life. However in a WLM the statement what rings truer is “the yes’s and the no’s both win when she’s the one leading the marriage and home”. When Katie say’s ‘yes’, I do what I’m told. When she says ‘no’, I obey her regardless of what I want.
Therein lies  one of the beauties of a female led relationship.  If only others could see that and see the love that it takes for both to accept their appropriate role, so much tension, frustration, and conflict would be resolved immediately. Katie and I don’t have ANY tension when it comes to our bedroom life. None. I know that she loves me. I know that because she tells me, takes care of my needs, and expresses her appreciation for me constantly.  In the same respect, because I feel so loved, I don’t feel desperate for sex and don’t feel a need to make her want intimacy when she doesn’t feel likewise.  And so I wait. I wait until she is ready and I always respond – why? Because I’m a guy, silly.
How many women share their frustrations with their husband to other women? How many talk about how he disappoints her? How many express their desire to want to feel loved by him and have him put her first above all others? How many women wish they could open their heart completely and love him as they use to but can’t because of all of the past hurts, heartbreaks and frustrations in their marriage.  How many wish they could be completely vulnerable and open to express and receive intimate love the way God intended it to be?  It’s here where living with a husband that has professed his submission that all this can be undone and a marriage can be remade.
The majority of those that typically respond to this blog are other men – those over 50 (although I wish more would).  One such man just wrote how incredible the past few years have been since they began a WLM and mentioned that the first 20+ was a dying marriage. Another recently wrote how much change he has seen in his wife’s happiness since he asked to submit and allow her the freedom to lead.  Read Mark Remond’s book Worshiping Your Wife and read of the countless marriages that are alive and thriving because men have made the choice to worship and thereby put their desires, needs, wants and impulses aside and follow the lead of the woman they love.
This morning Katie and I made love. It was incredible.  It started with us waking up. We talked. We cuddled. I rubbed and scratched her back. We kissed. Eventually I touched her and stirred her desire. She told me to unlock and lube up. I did and we became one.  We made love for half an hour. Sometimes we moved. Sometimes we were still and just remain entangled and embraced. She experienced several orgasms. I came close several times. Eventually we parted and began our day.  I showered and relocked and will remain locked until she desires me again.  I’m not sad that I am. I know that she loves me. I know that I’m wanted. I know that I fulfill her. I know that she’s happy. I know that she desires only me.  We couldn’t be happier. Katie couldn’t be more at peace. And it’s all because she knows that I will obey her because I have professed my submission. Katie has the freedom to do as she wants and she is careful and wise in that regard. And I am the beneficiary of her wisdom and love.  I so wish that those of you that haven’t tried this lifestyle would do so if your marriage is not where it once was. You have nothing to lose and one thing to gain – a marriage you could only dream about.
I’m Hers


  1. Applause!!!
    Very well said, I totally agree and feel such happiness in a wife led marriage that I also feel that I want to spread the word.

    1. Mr. Bill, I love new commenters. Welcome and stop by again. Your comment about you wanting to 'spread the word' interested me. What do you mean by that? How, or how have you spread the word previously (or how would you do it given your desire to do so?

      I've given some thought to that as well but my wife is quite a private person and I doubt she'd want me organizing a group of D/s together for a monthly or occasional social.

  2. I agree, wife led marriage worked for us also.

    1. I'm glad it has and hope you will want to share examples here as time and thoughts allow. Always love seeing your icon knowing you took the time to read.

  3. I enjoyed this post. Not that I don't think vanilla relationships can't be rewarding sexually, because I am sure many are. But I like being in control of our sex life. As you know David and I don't live together so we spend as many weekends together as we can. I am a pretty sexual person in general and so is he, so give we have limited time together in person, we tend to have a lot of sex. I do let David initiate some things, like I like when he kisses me on his own, or caresses me, or even humps against me some, because I like knowing he is desperate for me, but any further than that is at my discretion. Sometimes for whatever reason I don't want to have sex, and that is my decision and no matter what he wants he has to accept that, happily.

    But what I love about him and his pleasing submissive nature, is that he is always understanding. This past weekend we were both eager to be reunited after 11 days apart, and eager to make love, but I was having an issue that was causing me much pain and I told him Friday night that I just didn't think I could. I wanted it and I miss being intimate with him when we are apart, but I was just in too much pain. He kissed me and hugged me and told me that it didn't matter, the important thing was that we were together. I didn't have to feel bad for a second and he was just as happy.

    1. Mistress Marie, Yes, I read about your 'issue' that prompted you to take a break from being intimate as you desired. But isn't it fantastic that David will comply with your desires without pushing you, and acting like you are just a piece of meat? That's the power you hold as the head of your relationship, and it's the lesson that he has learned as your submissive. You know, us men really can be trained when a woman takes the initiative to make us conform to her desire and wishes.
      I think you are becoming quite the Domme! Congrats :)

  4. Dear I'm-Hers, you are simply genius! I appreciate the clarity in your thoughts. I think WLM is possible only when a man is locked 24x7 & the key is held by the wife. Only then the man stays focused on pleasing her. My wife says that holding the key of my chastity cage gives her an immense feeling of possession. Many times, while sleeping she ties a chain to my cage & holds the other end in her hand. It gives her the feeling that her husband is really 'close' to her.
    We both are loyal to each other. We can't even dream about cuckolding, cross dressing etc. So this lifestyle adds even more intimacy in our relationship.

  5. Sunny Joy, What a cool picture - two people sound asleep. The wife, gently holding a wrapped chain around her hand that casually extends to the cage of her beloved husband's cock. That, my friend, arouses me! I'm glad you have found this blog and hope you stop by again. Thanks so much.

    If your wife ever would like to share thoughts via the blog, I'm open to having a woman as a guest - even if just for one post. Thanks again.

  6. I've been on vacation so couldn't respond till now, but this is an excellent post! I too am in my 50s, and know that our WLM, especially her leading in the sexual realm, has transformed our marriage into a near honeymoon state. IT WORKS.

    I, too, would be quite the WLM evangelist if my honey would allow it, but she is such a private person, she won't even let me read Christian Egalitarian books in public!

    But she loves where our marriage has gone in the last year. And the sex on our vacation has been the best I can remember since we got married 30 years ago.

  7. Antwerp,
    Hope you had a great vacation. Isn't it odd that so many women whose husbands write on this or other blogs, comment how great their marriage is, and yet, they are afraid to share what they have found with others? It's kind of sad when you stop and think about it - and my Katie is one such woman. We have such an instilled value of women submitting that we are so afraid of telling others, all about what actually works with keeping a couple close. Hopefully time and comfort levels will change this.

  8. The first part of your post resonated with me. The ups and downs of trying to coax your wife into sex and her resisting ~ it was a never ending cycle and I was also totally bored with our sex life (missionary only). However, female-centered sex has really changed things a lot. She is giving me the kinky play I crave and we are having the most satisfying sex of our entire marriage - even if I am not always allowed to come. In fact, male orgasm denial is a big factor in our improved relationship. I am sorry to say that, because I really like orgasms. But I am a better husband when teased and denied - we both recognize this. I am much more affectionate to her, I will bring her Starbucks (which she prefers over flowers), I will massage her and give her more intense foreplay. I do wish that I knew how to elevate her libido so that she initiates sex. She has done that before, and it is truly fantastic. We are perhaps different than most FLR couples in that she is only the leader in the bedroom. She didn't want to boss me around outside the bedroom, so that's that. But with her in charge of our sex life, we have had far fewer fights and sex has become much more varied. I very much feel like when I was courting her and I don't take her for granted.


  9. LTS,
    Im glad that your version of a WLM works. I think every marriage is different. Some are hardcore with a dominant woman, others have a dynamic that is almost invisible but present only at times. The purpose of such a relational dynamic, IMHO is to make one's marriage more intimate and loving and it appears to be working with yours. Thanks for sharing.