Monday, August 26, 2013
Thoughts on Sex from a Woman's Perspective
Two posts ago I spoke about sex from my perspective. As I write this I’m lying in bed naked and locked next to Katie. We are watching TV and she will most likely dose off to sleep for the night in a few minutes. There won’t be any real intimacy tonight because it’s not what she wants. That’s how we live and that is how I love it. I know not to ask or push my sexual desires because we have an understanding that sex only happens when she desires it - period.
When I was previously married, we didn’t live our life the way Katie and I do now. Oh, there were plenty of nights where I wanted sex and she didn’t. Of course nothing happened since it takes two to tango, even in a vanilla relationship. But there was a difference in how we handled those conflicts. Typically I’d initiate the foreplay. She’d not respond. I’d try again. She’d tell me ‘not now’. I’d refuse to take ‘no’ for a answer and come at her again. This time she’d be more vocal telling me she was tired, or not in the mood. Still not getting what I wanted I would press my luck once more but always lose. I’d get mad and roll over in a huff and go to sleep mad. She got upset and fall asleep feeling unloved. We ended up further apart rather than closer together as a result of our little ritual that we’d acted out hundreds of time. The next time I wanted sex and she didn’t we’d repeat the aforementioned process and end up the same way – upset with one another. I felt unloved. She felt I didn’t understand and only loved her when we did have sex. Our times of intimacy were infrequent and often there was a subtle wall present, even if we didn’t want to acknowledge it when we made love. Leave it to say, there was lots of sexual tension in that marriage.
I wanted to write this post addressing vanilla women more so than men. If you (ladies) have sexual tensions or frustrations you can probably identify with either how I inappropriately (and desperately) acted when I wanted sex, or how my ex-wife felt each time she pushed me away because she didn’t feel like she could open her heart. I’m sure there are lots of times that you can think of when the desire for sex created more problems with your intimacy than it solved.
As Katie’s submissive I made promises to love, obey, adore and trust her. By submitting I made a conscious decision to put her needs, wants and desires above my own. In the realm of our sex life, that meant being intimate when she wanted me but accepting her decision to not be close and do so without complaining. There’s a truth in the saying “the ‘no’s always win”. That statement is true in so many areas of life. However in a WLM the statement what rings truer is “the yes’s and the no’s both win when she’s the one leading the marriage and home”. When Katie say’s ‘yes’, I do what I’m told. When she says ‘no’, I obey her regardless of what I want.
Therein lies one of the beauties of a female led relationship. If only others could see that and see the love that it takes for both to accept their appropriate role, so much tension, frustration, and conflict would be resolved immediately. Katie and I don’t have ANY tension when it comes to our bedroom life. None. I know that she loves me. I know that because she tells me, takes care of my needs, and expresses her appreciation for me constantly. In the same respect, because I feel so loved, I don’t feel desperate for sex and don’t feel a need to make her want intimacy when she doesn’t feel likewise. And so I wait. I wait until she is ready and I always respond – why? Because I’m a guy, silly.
How many women share their frustrations with their husband to other women? How many talk about how he disappoints her? How many express their desire to want to feel loved by him and have him put her first above all others? How many women wish they could open their heart completely and love him as they use to but can’t because of all of the past hurts, heartbreaks and frustrations in their marriage. How many wish they could be completely vulnerable and open to express and receive intimate love the way God intended it to be? It’s here where living with a husband that has professed his submission that all this can be undone and a marriage can be remade.
The majority of those that typically respond to this blog are other men – those over 50 (although I wish more would). One such man just wrote how incredible the past few years have been since they began a WLM and mentioned that the first 20+ was a dying marriage. Another recently wrote how much change he has seen in his wife’s happiness since he asked to submit and allow her the freedom to lead. Read Mark Remond’s book Worshiping Your Wife and read of the countless marriages that are alive and thriving because men have made the choice to worship and thereby put their desires, needs, wants and impulses aside and follow the lead of the woman they love.
This morning Katie and I made love. It was incredible. It started with us waking up. We talked. We cuddled. I rubbed and scratched her back. We kissed. Eventually I touched her and stirred her desire. She told me to unlock and lube up. I did and we became one. We made love for half an hour. Sometimes we moved. Sometimes we were still and just remain entangled and embraced. She experienced several orgasms. I came close several times. Eventually we parted and began our day. I showered and relocked and will remain locked until she desires me again. I’m not sad that I am. I know that she loves me. I know that I’m wanted. I know that I fulfill her. I know that she’s happy. I know that she desires only me. We couldn’t be happier. Katie couldn’t be more at peace. And it’s all because she knows that I will obey her because I have professed my submission. Katie has the freedom to do as she wants and she is careful and wise in that regard. And I am the beneficiary of her wisdom and love. I so wish that those of you that haven’t tried this lifestyle would do so if your marriage is not where it once was. You have nothing to lose and one thing to gain – a marriage you could only dream about.