Saturday, September 7, 2013
Joy in Vulnerability?
In my last post I talked about the wrong I made when masturbating without permission. The way that I confessed my wrong was via email rather than face to face. I opted to confess that way because I was afraid. I was ashamed of what I did. I feared her thinking less of me. I didn’t want to be scolded. I was afraid of rejection. Can you identify with me at all?
I’m going to tie this incident to my childhood. No I’m not a shrink but I’ve been to counseling and have had sessions in which we talked about guilt and shame. As a kid, when I was punished I was yelled at, had my butt whapped until tears were produced and sent to my room. Not only that, but my parents, especially my mother, would not only be upset with what I did, she was pissed at me as a person. I not only did bad, but I was a bad person – at least until she got over her anger. Well, being a boy, I did wrong lots. I got my butt smacked lots. I was sent to my room lots. I was rejected lots too and that part must have caused me to associate disappointing others as a reflection of me being a bad person. I'm not positive if the cause is my mothers response to me doing wrongs as a kids, but it's the only thing I can put my finger on that may have caused me to feel as I do about myself when I am found guilty of a trespass.
This weekend I’ve been working my way from start to finish through the blog written by Alphabyday (ABD). It’s a fascinating blog and not one filled with kink and porn. It’s written quite tactfully and the reader gets the idea of this man's journey with a ProDomme he's hired to train him as a submissive man for a potential wife. ABD made mention of a video he was told to watch. I didn’t think much of it but several posts later he mentioned it again and so I decided to view it with Katie. It was quite pertinent to my situation of how I confessed my wrong. The video addresses the topic of vulnerability. At one point the woman notes how the avoidance of vulnerability also causes us to avoid the joy that could have come our way. Let me say that gain, she stated that by avoiding vulnerable situations you also eliminate/reduce the opportunity to experience real joy. That statement made me pause.
I stopped the video stream, straddled Katie’s lap and held her. I told her that the fear I had in confessing directly kept me from experiencing her forgiveness. My fear of confessing kept me from having a conversation that would have permitted her to probe me more deeply as to ‘why’ I did what I did forcing me to become more vulnerable but giving her the opportunity to peek into the depths of my heart. My fear of confessing kept me from seeing her anger and becoming more fearful of her as my Owner. My fear of confessing kept me from seeing her dominance from revealing itself over me when she levied her punishment - permanent lockdown except for when she wanted sex. She missed out seeing me wither and shrink when she told me the new mandate. We both missed out on all of that because I was afraid and ashamed.
If only I had admitted my wrong I would have felt closeness the way a child feels when a parent forgives a wrong. I would have seen the sadness in Katie’s face. I would have viewed the hurt in her eyes knowing I placed her in a difficult situation. I might have experienced her anger. But deep down I’d know she loves me and I'd feel that love (an not rejection) while we sat and worked through a discussion for the need for me to always obey her. In hindsight, I realize now that I missed out on bonding my submissiveness with her dominance by missing a rare opportunity to do so.
After the video was over we talked about the need to share from the heart. I tend to be the one that asks a million questions. I spoke of how important it was for her to probe me, to provide opportunities for me to share my experiences, my thoughts and my feelings that I would otherwise not want to share. Katie is a good listener but great listeners know how to ask questions that enable others to talk and to do so in a safe, nonjudgmental environment.
I am not condoning my actions. What I did was wrong. There is no excuse for what I did. But if I can learn from that mistake I know that I will have opportunities in the future to experience the joy of being owned. I hope that if you are a dominant woman, you encourage your husband to leave no closets hidden from you. If you are a submissive, I hope you have the courage to bare your soul and take whatever your Domme gives you, knowing that you are loved - even if she decides to inflict pain as a means of teaching you obedience. As parents, we punish children because we want to teach them, but even moreso because we love them. As subs, we are punished for the same reason. Our wives only discipline us because they love and care for us. I know that Katie loves me. I know how I feel when she asserts her dominance. I feel closer, not further away, because I feel her love whenever she reveals her true nature as my Mistress wife.
I'm Owned, I’m Her