Thursday, September 12, 2013
Thoughts on More Restrictive Chastity
If you have been reading the past few blogs you know that I abused my freedom one night by masturbating behind Katie's back, confessed my wrong and have been locked down in chastity pretty much 24/7 since that incident a few weeks ago. I kind of knew what the consequence was going to be and on one hand am glad that she felt comfortable enough to discipline me but saddened that life changed in some respects. What pleased me was the fact that Katie did something that she knew I wouldn't like and therefore expressed her dominance by 'going there' with respect to instituting the lock down mandate. I liked that she didn't just say 'oh well, I wish you hadn't done that' and moved on with life. She can be so gentle at times with her control that it's hard to know if she is in control. I tease her sometimes when she goes easy on me asking if she wants me to get her Mennonite head covering or not.
Well, the lock down has been an adjustment to say the least. Sleep the first few nights was disrupted several times by me being woken by the uncomfortableness of a night erection but that seems to have resolved itself somewhat. They have lessened from occurring a few times each night to maybe once and I can deal with a once pretty well. But what has changed has been the amount of nightly and morning fondling by Katie. Katie loves touch and loves to touch. Since being locked, one part of me has been left 'touchless'. Personally I miss that and I really don't know if Katie misses that or not. Last night we were lying in bed and she took several minutes to run her hand over by body from upper thigh to neck. After doing so for some time she told me how much she loves touching my body. Some of those touches were to the Jailbird but mostly it was to the rest of my body and not so much dwelling on what she has caged.
Time will tell if she keeps me locked except when she wants to be pleasured; if she will take me out to touch and then relock without ever entering her; or if she will want to free me completely. I doubt that she will do the latter but I may be wrong.
I've done a bit of research for a future post on the effects of sexual stimulation without release on the brain and it sure seems to be the way for a woman to keep her man wanting her. I'm not saying that physical touch of the male genital is the only way that that can happen but it sure seems to be one of the most effective. What I've noticed with me psychologically is a resignation that my body is there for her to enjoy, or that my new limits now are confined to caressing, holding and/or stimulating and exciting her but very little about wondering if 'maybe tonight she will want me'. When you are locked, you are indeed 'put away'. When you are locked you realize that sex is so little about you and so much more about her wants – both physically and psychologically. A man's penis is in-effect, put on the shelf without him knowing if or when she will next want to take it off the shelf and use it. It's quite the different mindset to adjust to.
That feeling of complete helplessness in this one aspect of my life indeed builds dependence. It is a reminder of who is in charge and it sure reduces a man’s ability for experience pleasure regardless of whether that pleasure is coming from a wife’s touch or while making love. I remember a Domme I communicated with several years ago, when I was first learning what submission meant. She repeatedly told me that to be a sub means to serve - period. She kept telling me that if I decide to submit to Katie, then I should expect nothing but understand that my duty in life becomes one in which my life primarily focuses on pleasing her while her expectation is to understand that she is the primary benefactor of the gifts I have to offer. Does chastity (most of the time) do that? I believe that it does. Does complete chastity - meaning - a 24/7 lock down for days and weeks at a time do it more? I think it does, and that is an emotional and psychological adjustment I have not fully adjusted to.
As I write and think, I am remembering part of Katie’s marriage vow to me – that she promised to cultivate my submission. Cultivate means to nurture, foster, form and refine. It goes to the essence of molding me into the kind of submissive man that she desires of her husband. Teaching me to submit is easy for one to say but it’s much more difficult to do. Like a child that wants something but is forced to do another, such is the case with me with respect to putting my desires aside and abiding by Katie’s. If remaining locked builds dependence; if being locked teaches me to deny myself and follow her more completely; if complete chastity protects me from my own temptations and moves me further along the path to unquestioning obedience to Katie then that is what I desire.