Saturday, October 5, 2013

Male Temptations and Female Leadership

While driving home from work the other evening I was flipping through stations on the radio.  I happened to hear the final minute or two of a sermon entitled ‘temptations men face’. Now ladies, vanilla ladies, ladies that are currently married or dating men who want to live lives as your parents lived, I hope you will read on.  You see, the saying that history often repeats itself is so true.  When it comes to people, we often mimic those character traits of the hundreds of generations that have preceded us. In the case of male behavior, I am certain that you, as a woman, are either currently married to, or in the case of those not yet married, will someday marry the typical man. Oh, I’m sure that he will be different than everyone else. Ha, haven’t we all heard that before.  Yet there is a reason why one in two marriages fail. They fail because people don’t live up to the standards and expectations of their spouse assumed they would. Or they fail because people change - both male and female.
I know how I lived. I won’t say that I fell to all the temptations listed below but I sure succumbed to some of them.  I'm certain that if you look at the men that you know best - your dad, your husband, your brother, etc that they are all guilty of at least one if not more of the pitfalls most men have trouble with.

But I digress …….. so I was riding home and there was this sermon on. I didn’t get the specifics because it was over soon after I found it but the topic interested me.  When I got home I went to the web and within minutes, found an outline of it.  Here are the six temptations that this pastor commented on:

Men are often tempted to:
  • Give others things instead of giving ourselves
  • Save our best for the workplace
  • Deliver lectures rather than earning respect by listening and learning
  • Demand perfection of our loved ones
  • Become involved intimately with any woman who is not your wife
  • Underestimate the importance of cultivating your family’s spiritual appetite

But you aren’t a Christian. OK, I get that, but that doesn't make you immune to temptation and the first five traits have nothing to do with one’s faith. The sixth temptation, in a FLR, really becomes the responsibility of the wife rather than the husband if the relationship is indeed a female led one. Am I not correct ladies? I mean, if you are in charge, then the spiritual health of you and your husband is your responsibility not his. You’re the leader, not him (as the implication is with respect to how the pastor addressed his audience). But let’s look at the first five.

Ladies, wouldn’t you agree that your man is a doer, a giver, a provider, much more so than he is one to give of his time to you and your family? Isn’t he more likely to take you out or your family out for lunch or ice cream than he is to sit with your daughter and play with her for an hour, or go play ball or sit and play with your son's trains with him? 

Wouldn’t you agree that when he comes home from work that he’s pretty much wasted and prefers to relax and do little or nothing rather than be an active part of your life, and your family’s life? Is he more or less likely to ask you how you've been, get up and find the kids and see how their day at school or time with their friends were and really listen and interact with each person at home? Do you find him to be active and engaging when conversing over dinner or is he more quiet and withdrawn and distant, thinking about things that have nothing to do with what is being discussed?  I can distinctly remember my kids asking me, "Dad? Dad? Dad?," As they were talking to me. They knew that although I was looking at them, my mind was elsewhere.  Sadly, what was on my mind was more important to me than what my children wanted to tell me.  And being one that did that often, they came to me less because they knew I didn’t listen well.

Ladies, do you find your man that way? Do you find that they aren’t the best listeners but are quick to blurt out their opinions before they get the full story? Listening is a skill that takes effort to learn.  Yet all men are good at it. We are great listeners at work where we must listen in order to perform well. We glue ourselves to the TV each autumn weekend to listen to the ball game and know everything there is to know about each player on our favorite team. But something happens at home. We become vegetables. We turn off the switch that is so needed by those we love most - our spouse and our children.  They want to engage us and make us a part of the family but we refuse to allow that to happen by turning inward, or elsewhere, rather than to them.

Ladies, do you find your husband to be overly critical with you? Does he complain about the house being a mess, dinner being late, the kids not getting their homework done, not having ‘his’ food in the fridge, or you never wanting sex the way he wants it (and when he wants it)? Boy, we men can lay it on thick. We can be really good at hurting those closest to us – the ones we say we love the most. I know, all I need to do is to remember back several years and that is who I was – or should I say, who I am, if not kept from my own devices and tendencies. I can be quite critical and have to consciously think to keep my mouth shut when those kinds of thoughts creep into my mind.  I'm not there yet but I sure am learning to do better.

Last, do you worry about losing your husband to another woman? Do you worry that he finds other women more attractive, more appealing, more fun, and more exciting than you? Does he make comments at suggest he might be looking outside the home for female companionship – like maybe at work, at social events, or even while you are accompanying him to a party or other event where women can be found? Does he want to watch movies that are sexual in content, or make comments about how beautiful a news anchorwoman or actress is? Maybe you fear this and worry because he’s also being critical in ways that he wasn’t just a few years ago. The fear of losing him to another can impact every area of your life because the very core of your bond is being strained - mutual trust.

Ladies, you love us and you hate us. You are drawn to us and you become exasperated by us for the things we do or neglect to do as well as the way we act, or fail to act.  If you feel that your marriage is lacking in some way. If you believe that your marriage is stale and is missing that spark and charm that should be there, then maybe you should consider taking the bull by the horns and assume a leadership role.  Maybe it’s the freedom, control and independence that your husband or boyfriend currently has that is the cause of the problem.  Maybe he just can’t help himself. Maybe in some passive way he is crying out to you that he wants you to take the burden of leadership from him and become the person in charge. Maybe he just needs you to teach him because he can't figure things out himself.

I can remember having discussions with my former wife and asking her, “just tell me what you want” or “I need you to teach me how to love you”.  Has your husband expressed those kinds of feelings before as well? Well, maybe you need to do just that and do so by sitting down and talking to him. Tell him you want more out of your marriage. Tell him you aren’t pleased with how things are. Tell him how much you love him but inform him that you need to change things for the benefit of your marriage and for him. Tell him that you want to try something for several months and get him to agree to submit to you.

If he is open to this, take control. But encourage him, reward him, compliment him, help him, correct him and do whatever it takes to teach him how to serve you - but do it in a way that encourages rather than demeans him. Build him up. Be affectionate. Turn the TV off and get him to share his thoughts and feelings knowing he can do so safely and without judgment.  Teach him how to love you the way he used to love you when you first met.  In the process, I think you will find amazing changes in your marriage. You see, all of the pitfalls stated in the sermon can be corrected and eliminated if he decides to put you first and make you the focus of his life. He will become a better listener, a better dad, less critical, more helpful, more encouraging and more talkative, spend more time with you and once more be the man you’ve wanted all along. 

But he needs to embrace this and you need to help him over the hurdles of all the changes that come with submission. You don’t need to start gigantic, but your start needs to be specific with certain ground rules in place that serve as your foundation for this wife-led-marriage and you cannot compromise.  He needs to feel your leadership. But leadership needn't come with a whip and leather dress.  Katie never raises her voice. Never. But she is uncompromising about certain things and I know better than to rebel.  I think that those that try this find that a WLM provides the needed spark in a stale or dying marriage.

Think about it ladies, and if you want more out of your marriage, read past posts for ideas. Talk to other women about your idea; make a plan; and stick to it. And if you want help or encouragement, drop me an email. I will be more than happy to help and encourage you in any way I can. Or better yet, write and talk with other women. Femdom 101 is a great place to start if you want a woman's perspective.  I wish you well.

I’m Hers


  1. Last, do you worry about losing your husband to another woman? Do you worry that he finds other women more attractive, more appealing, more fun, and more exciting than you?

    Maybe that's because other women are more attractive, more appealing, more fun and more exciting. Before pinning the "blame" on someone else, you should always think about your own contribution to the problem.

    1. Just Passing by, I can see your point but you know, there was a time in every relationship when she was the most attractive, most appealing, most fun and most exciting person in a mans life - that time was when they were dating and recently married. Things can change - that I do not disagree with but much of wandering starts with a man losing focus. Wouldn't you also agree that men are MUCH more likely to pursue relationships outside the marriage before women make that same decision? I would. Women want to keep and nurture what they do have. I'm not placing blame but I am painting with a broad brush and lumping all men into one category - which isn't fair to all. Thanks for reading. I do hope you post again.

  2. Do you find that they aren’t the best listeners but are quick to blurt out their opinions before they get the full story? Listening is a skill that takes effort to learn.

    This is absolutely true. I have been married for many years to a wonderful wife that dominates me. She is always seeking ways to improve me. Recently, she instructed me that I need to listen better to women. She recognized the trait in me that most males possess when communicating with women, that I either dismiss the female opinion because I am too quick to offer my own solution, or I manipulate the conversation to meet my own selfish needs. For instance, we were on our way to pick up a new bike for my son from the store. She suggested that we stop in first and tell them that we were going to purchase it, knowing they would need time to get it ready, and then get something to eat. Normally, I would have said we need get dinner first and driven directly to a place to eat. Instead, I found myself thinking about what she said. She was right. We were better off going to the bike place first and letting them know to get it ready, and then get something to eat. Although we would have to go back and pick it up, it would be ready and we would not have to wait. Her instruction to listen better to women extended into all aspects of my life. One day my wife called me at work to tell me she picked up our son from school, because he was sick. When it came time for me to leave, I was unsure if I should take my laptop home with me, in case he was sick again the next day, and I could stay home with him. I was not planning on working from home that day. My co-worker saw me hemming and hawing, and suggested I take it just in case it is needed. I remembered what my wife had said and realized I was hesitating because of my own reasons. By valuing a female opinion, it also instantly triggered my own submissiveness!! She was right too, because I needed to work from home the next day, while our son still had a cold.

    1. Anonymous, what you shared so clearly is a problem for many. It's hard to see life from the perspective of others and sometimes it appears both illogical and even not right. I don't know if you listened to the short link on the previous post or not but what struck me most about what this woman mentioned that decided to submit to her husband was learning to bite her tongue more - meaning to listen more and talk less. Personally, I don't tell Katie. I am permitted to make suggestions but that's it. I don't mandate and it makes our life so much richer as a result. I wish you luck as you do the same

  3. I think this is a wonderful post, and I can easily imagine many men who will print this out and give it to their wife with the admission, "This is exactly what I need."

    THANK YOU, I'm Hers, for such an excellent resource!

    1. Thanks for the affirmation Antwerp.