Saturday, October 26, 2013

Marriage, Children, Submission

The other day I spoke with a fellow worker that I hadn’t seen in months.  The last time I saw her she had recently separated.  The news broke my heart as she had young children of preschool age.  When we spoke a few days ago she told me she is still separated but she and her estranged husband are going to try to give it a go once more.  I was glad to hear that.
What struck me during our brief conversation was a comment she made about the relationship with her husband. It went something like this: “We’ve been married for almost 15 years and our marriage was great until we had the kids.  Ever since they came along we’ve struggled as a couple.”
Her comment brought back memories to my own failed marriage.  Our marriage was great for many years, and then slowly fell apart around us, even though we both denied it. Instead we continued to pour our time and energy into our kids. Then they left home one by one. As they did, we realized things weren’t so good and we seemed unable to fix what was broken.  Then when the last one left, we had nothing.  Things just went downhill from there.
So why the sad story on this blog? I mention that because I believe the story is all too common among married couples with kids.  They fall in love. They marry. They have a family. They focus their time on the children. They neglect one another. They drift apart. They fight but for the sake of the kids they keep the family unit. They become more critical of the other. The see the bad in one another rather than the good. They forget how to love, how to laugh, how to dream, how to see a future together beyond the immediate.  How depressing!
What I’ve learned since marrying Katie and submitting to her is the focus that is required of each of us because I have submitted and because she is in control.  By virtue of our respective positions it’s impossible to neglect the other. This morning I was blow-drying and combing her hair. I do it every day. I dry it. I comb it. When I’m done, I kiss Katie on the neck and tell her I love her. She kisses me and expresses the same.  Later I fix her breakfast, and lunch, and dinner – if I am not at work – and I do it every day.  When I walk through a door, I always open it for her – every time.  When we make love I focus on her desires and withhold my own pleasure (somewhat) so that I can last longer for her – every time.  If she wants something and tells me to get it, I do so – every time.
I could go on and on but the point is, that my submission forces me to submit to her. It keeps my mind where it is supposed to be – on the woman I love.  And we both love it.  I just got an email from a reader of the blog. He told me they are expecting their first child. They are in their 20’s.  So young. So much of life yet to live.  He shared with me that they’ve just started exploring a FLR for the past few months. How cool is that.  I immediately thought of my conversation with my co-worker. I hope that their relationship living with his wife in charge helps them avoid some of the inevitable pitfalls that every marriage goes through. I hope that his heart continues to ache for the woman he married. I hope they live to be old and wrinkled and gray and senile and yet never fall out of love.  Kind of like The Notebook, kind of a relationship.  D/s, WLM, FLR, or whatever you want to term it can help. It won’t work if the effort isn’t put there all the time but it can be a means to an end, with the end being never falling out of love.
If you are where my co-worker is, if you are somewhere where I was during the period where I raised children, I hope that you see the dangers while they are still a whisper, before the hurt the pain, the alienation ensues if nothing is done.  I hope that you take measures, whatever they may be.  If you choose to try having one submit to the other I wish you well.  Personally it is my belief that a man’s heart is more likely to wander than a woman’s and for that reason, I believe the husband should submit and trust his wife.  If nothing else, it is a good exercise for him, as well as a great place for her to be.  Divorce is painful for all involved.  Hedges need to be grown. Walls need to be constructed to protect the fragility of the marriage.  Too many arrows, darts and bombs fall too close during the years.  Speaking from experience, only a fool would do nothing once they have been given the knowledge of what may come to their own marriage in the months and years ahead.
I’m Hers


  1. I've not had children, never wanted them and neither has my wife/Mistress. But I see exactly what you are talking about all around, and particular with a friend/colleague. They met and married within a year, and gave birth to twins within months of tying the knot. Now they have another about to be born... they talk on the phone several times a day, but all they ever talk about is the children.
    As someone who always wanted to skip the 'playing the field' period and just find the right person and marry them, it saddens me that people don't invest the energy into their relationships, especially when children come along. The only couple I know who are genuinely still into each other, albeit not as close as Mistress R and I (as far as I can tell), are my friend of twenty years and his wife. Guess what, they don't have any kids either.

  2. IH,
    Your blogs name is the one I can almost key in blindfolded. Your posts are read and followed up with your links opening the door to the rest of this world for me. I appreciate your views on many things and am joyed with your relationship with Katie. It is truly a wonderful thing for the two of you. This post struck a chord for with me, however, on a different path.
    My life story mirrored yours until the last child left the home (actually one 20 year old is still here sometimes). We did not have any real relationship excepting for that what needed to be done together. Very cold. Just not what she or I wanted. We may never have separated, but she did mention it several times.
    I did realize I had some of these feelings for a long, long time, but never thought of them being possible in a real relationship for me. Self indulgence lead me to find and read a few stories of wlm on the internet ending with me finding 'Around Her Finger'. It is very uplifting to find out that you are not the only person on earth who felt this way. For whatever reason and against my rational judgement, a Sunday night on the couch became the spot where she was told the fact that I was submissive and wanted to change the ways we were living. It is very sobering to put yourself up like that, not knowing what will happen.
    All I can say is I love my wife and mother of four children. She said she would help me and we could work on this together. She did. We are new at this and I am going to go at this on her pace. It has been four months since that Sunday and she has adapted amazingly well. I have found peace and happiness I never expected. 45 lbs thinner, budgeting to stretch my allowance and completion of entries in a daily journal of work to do for her proves to be satisfying. We enjoy a new spark in our relationship together that takes us places we never thought we would go again. It is a real treat to see some of our friends whispering to each other as we walk away that they don't know what happened, but we sure look happy. We are.

    1. J,
      Loved your comment. I am the 20+ year old in the post by IH. Like you my wife and I were together for years but we weren't in the place we should have been. I found "Aroundherfinger" as well and a few weeks later showed my wife.

      It's been a couple months but we are both much more happy and our relationship 110% stronger in every way. It's amazing what something as simple as submission can accomplish.

    2. Thanks for sharing J. I'm glad you are in the midst of a success story. I'm betwixt and between as I look back. I know I can't go back. Back 'then' I wish I knew about my submissive tendencies. I don't know if she would have accepted it as your wife did but I wonder if things would have ended differently. Yet that will forever remain a mystery. With Katie I have all I could ever wish for - love and security and the feeling of knowing she loves me more than anyone else. Please stop by again and share.

    3. IH &20+,
      I guess the postscript/ending to my entry above is missing, which would apply it better to your comments. The reason I say that is what you and other bloggers do is invaluable to people, like myself, searching for answers. I apologize for summarizing, but my take on your situation was along with all the problems of raising a family, you did not know what was missing in your first relationship. It ended and you moved on. Later, you became aware of something that existed, but knew little about in your life. This prompted you to search for information and answers, and thereby found a portion of your life you were not previously aware of. This all allowed you to know yourself better and find someone who was all you could ever wish for. Success.
      The sharing your life on this blog has allowed me to discover this all a little bit quicker. Before the internet, I was quite naive on the whole subject. Yes, I knew the certain tone in some womens voices or actions kept me a little more attenuated, but was clueless about putting this all together. I just thought this was one more part of me to put in the background where 'normal' life dictates. Fortunately your blog and a few others have shown me a way to live a life where my wife and I both love and respect each other as I attempt to fulfill all her wants and needs while she leads us and still not have to throw away all those years of life together. The fourth paragraph in your post can have a happy ending, but how much better it is to find this all sooner as 20+ is and avoid all that while living the way we desire, sooner. Thank You I'm Hers for the blog.

    4. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you found this blog since it obviously served as a confirmation, in ways, of what it is you were trying to understand about yourself. Btw, you write well. I'm glad you have taken the tiime to share.

  3. Excellent post. I see a lot of what you write about in couples all the time. One of the big problems, I think, is that people never learn the art of prioritization. They simply go along from one crisis to the next, one event to the next and when there are conflicts, they don't know what to do. They never learn the art of figuring out what the important things are and what's not so important. As a result, one of the fatal mistakes in, as you describe, they don't put their relationship first. They don't make time for each other. Again, wonderful post!

    1. Katie and I were just talking about that very thing today - about making sure our 'hedges' are strong and complete - so that we don't lose the special relationship that we both feel we have.

  4. I have a comment that has a slight relation to this topic, but from another angle. Many of you know the history and story of Miss Jessica and my relationship, so I am not going to spend a great deal of time explaining.

    We have been having trouble in our relationship the last couple of months, which is a big part of the reason I have not been present in blogging much of late. Our relationship in general and our FLR which is the foundation of success has suffered. Ironically one of the main reasons we have been struggling of late, is attributed to the fact we don't have the time or energy for our FLR lately because of the demands of our 10 month old daughter. Our daughter is the most important thing in our lives, but we has lost touch with our FLR, ultimately injuring our marriage as a whole.

    Any advice would help greatly

    1. Eric,
      Nothing. Let me say that again, nothing is more important than the relationship between you and Miss Jessica. Step back and think about it. What if your marriage fails, or what if you two struggle for years like J Thornebuck shared his marriage was like. What do you teach your child? What good is it if you two can't relate and share the closeness that you had just a few months ago. My advice to you is that you need to spend time alone. You need to have time to talk. You need to be able to sit outside and watch a sunset together, or get a burger and enjoy life. Spend the money to get a sitter or as family. Do whatever it takes to get reunited. It's just my advice but I think you yourself know what needs to be done.

  5. Another great piece. First, may I echo your comments to Eric; there really is nothing more important than the relationship with Ms Jessica. She is the mother of your child, through a strong relationship together your child will get all the support and nourishment she needs.

    I'm Hers, you are so right about how easy it is for a couple to stop nurturing their love and focus on a million distractions.Even though I worked as a relationship counsellor for years, this happened to us. Fortunately things are back on track - in fact better than back on track. Realising my need to submit and put my wife above everything else in my life, has transformed our world. I have never been happier - in truth I am on 'cloud 9' all of the time.

    Of course I am blessed by having a wife willing to accept my desires and who has, over a short space of time, grown to enjoy the fruits of my submission. I fear most women do not respond as well. Ms Katie and my Elaine are rare jewels.

    Finding blogs like yours and Ms Kathy's helped me understand my needs as did reading Ms Rika. Now I am a slave serving and worshipping my Queen with every breath.

    Thank you and please keep blogging


    1. My Hearts Desire, Youre a Shrink!!!!! How cool is that. I am truly honored to have your input in here. I'll keep blogging if you keep commenting. Deal?

  6. I so appreciate what you write, and you are exactly right. With me it was porn and internet femdom relationships that led me emotionally away from my wife.

    I always felt that I needed a strong woman in my life to dominate me, and I simply believed that my wife didn't have it in her. So I sought to scratch that itch in whatever way I felt I could that didn't physically violate my marriage covenant. But what I didn't violate in the flesh, I violated in the spirit, and my heart grew far from her.

    Thank God I came clean to her a year ago and offered my submission to her, begging her to accept it and take the dominant role over me. She accepted, and our marriage is so much better, stronger, and more intimate, not to mention my own life is much more on track since my wife has become the focus of my submissive desires. She keeps me on track in ways I never could, and I wait on her hand and foot and get down on my knees in gratitude for her every day.

    And thank you SO much for the fellowship I find here. The encouragement, wise counsel, and validation I receive here is of such great benefit to our marriage!

    1. Yes Antwerp, some of us 'ole geezers' sometimes do have a perspective on life that can only be gotten from years of screw ups, mess ups, mistakes, errors, wrong choices and watching others make the same mistakes we did. Hopefully we came out the other side of our youth relatively competent and able now to help others.