Saturday, October 26, 2013
Marriage, Children, Submission
The other day I spoke with a fellow worker that I hadn’t seen in months. The last time I saw her she had recently separated. The news broke my heart as she had young children of preschool age. When we spoke a few days ago she told me she is still separated but she and her estranged husband are going to try to give it a go once more. I was glad to hear that.
What struck me during our brief conversation was a comment she made about the relationship with her husband. It went something like this: “We’ve been married for almost 15 years and our marriage was great until we had the kids. Ever since they came along we’ve struggled as a couple.”
Her comment brought back memories to my own failed marriage. Our marriage was great for many years, and then slowly fell apart around us, even though we both denied it. Instead we continued to pour our time and energy into our kids. Then they left home one by one. As they did, we realized things weren’t so good and we seemed unable to fix what was broken. Then when the last one left, we had nothing. Things just went downhill from there.
So why the sad story on this blog? I mention that because I believe the story is all too common among married couples with kids. They fall in love. They marry. They have a family. They focus their time on the children. They neglect one another. They drift apart. They fight but for the sake of the kids they keep the family unit. They become more critical of the other. The see the bad in one another rather than the good. They forget how to love, how to laugh, how to dream, how to see a future together beyond the immediate. How depressing!
What I’ve learned since marrying Katie and submitting to her is the focus that is required of each of us because I have submitted and because she is in control. By virtue of our respective positions it’s impossible to neglect the other. This morning I was blow-drying and combing her hair. I do it every day. I dry it. I comb it. When I’m done, I kiss Katie on the neck and tell her I love her. She kisses me and expresses the same. Later I fix her breakfast, and lunch, and dinner – if I am not at work – and I do it every day. When I walk through a door, I always open it for her – every time. When we make love I focus on her desires and withhold my own pleasure (somewhat) so that I can last longer for her – every time. If she wants something and tells me to get it, I do so – every time.
I could go on and on but the point is, that my submission forces me to submit to her. It keeps my mind where it is supposed to be – on the woman I love. And we both love it. I just got an email from a reader of the blog. He told me they are expecting their first child. They are in their 20’s. So young. So much of life yet to live. He shared with me that they’ve just started exploring a FLR for the past few months. How cool is that. I immediately thought of my conversation with my co-worker. I hope that their relationship living with his wife in charge helps them avoid some of the inevitable pitfalls that every marriage goes through. I hope that his heart continues to ache for the woman he married. I hope they live to be old and wrinkled and gray and senile and yet never fall out of love. Kind of like The Notebook, kind of a relationship. D/s, WLM, FLR, or whatever you want to term it can help. It won’t work if the effort isn’t put there all the time but it can be a means to an end, with the end being never falling out of love.
If you are where my co-worker is, if you are somewhere where I was during the period where I raised children, I hope that you see the dangers while they are still a whisper, before the hurt the pain, the alienation ensues if nothing is done. I hope that you take measures, whatever they may be. If you choose to try having one submit to the other I wish you well. Personally it is my belief that a man’s heart is more likely to wander than a woman’s and for that reason, I believe the husband should submit and trust his wife. If nothing else, it is a good exercise for him, as well as a great place for her to be. Divorce is painful for all involved. Hedges need to be grown. Walls need to be constructed to protect the fragility of the marriage. Too many arrows, darts and bombs fall too close during the years. Speaking from experience, only a fool would do nothing once they have been given the knowledge of what may come to their own marriage in the months and years ahead.