Thursday, October 17, 2013

Submitting Just to be Rewarded?


An anonymous commenter wrote the following on a recent post: "Your submission to Katie should focus on your service to her and obedience. Your joy should come from obedience, not your own sexual satisfaction. Submitting to her entirely means you achieve pleasure in obeying her. When you truly. Submit to her, you will not be focused on your need for sexual pleasure."

In one respect I completely understood what it was to which he was referring, yet on another level I disagreed. Let me explain. To submit is to put one self second. It means a life of deference to the dominant partner. It means serving rather than expecting, giving rather than taking.  Katie has assumed this role quite nicely although her dominance is not one characterized by humiliation, physical discipline and similar actions.  However she will tell me in a heartbeat to make her a meal, to massage her at all times of the night or unlock so she can make love. She will never open a door but rather wait for me to open it for her (and do it promptly). She will leave a carload of groceries in the trunk for me to unload, sort, put away and clean up whatever mess I created. She will keep me locked no matter how many times I ask to be free and deny me an orgasm most every time I ask without and do so without any feeling of pity for me.  She gets dominance and I get submission. I know that I am married to a woman that expects me to take care of her and look after her and wait on her and if given the opportunity to let others know that I am a man who is owned by the beautiful woman standing to my side.

But the comment expressed stated that my "joy should come from obedience, not via sexual satisfaction - that obedience should be enough of a reward. I don't know that I can make love to Katie on obedience alone.  When she decides to make love I can't help but receive pleasure. I mean, I do get an erection just in anticipation of what is to come. Isn't that receiving pleasure? I do enjoy the time we are intimate. Isn't that an indication of a positive reward? She does leave me wanting every time she denies me. Isn't there pleasure and reward even in that? Yes I obey. Yes I position myself as she directs. Yes I stop when she decides, but my desire to please her and my obedience to what she wants is intimately meshed with all of the other 'stuff' that I view as positives that are a part of our time of lovemaking. 

With reference to chores, I do my chores and whatever else she wants without expecting a reward. But there is more to it than what lies on the surface. For example, the other evening, Katie told me to make baked salmon, rice and a vegetable for dinner. She also told me to mix up a small amount of a favorite orange sauce she enjoys pouring over the salmon. Oh, and I was told to make her some ice tea as well and so I did. This is the norm. I get told these kinds of things all the time and every time I am told, Katie will go off and watch TV, or do something that doesn’t involve her helping me in the kitchen or the project she has me working on. And you know what? I don’t want her to help me.  I love it when she speaks her mind. I wish for nothing else.  Why, because something inside me enjoys feeling her control. There is something about feeling her power that causes me to receive pleasure. I can't help it. It's how my mind functions and is one powerful way that she rewards me for my efforts.

The other evening, Katie told me to unlock and to lie on my back so she could enjoy us making love. Well, actually I laid there and she rode me until she had experienced two pretty nice orgasms.  When we make love from this position, I could last forever because I just don’t feel lots but Katie loves it as she can move in ways that cause her to get a nice rush and orgasm.  Last night, our time lasted but for a minute or two and she climbed off, visited the bathroom and came back to bed ready to sleep.  She didn’t care about pleasing me and I didn’t get a whole lot of physical stimulation from the episode but I loved our time becoming one.  I felt all kinds of good feelings and felt quite content both during and for a long time after. I wouldn’t mind if she did that every night because I was rewarded with feelings of pleasure. No, it wasn’t mostly physical pleasure but it sure was psychological in nature.

If you had asked me 20 years ago while a part of a vanilla relationship if I’d love making love in this way I would have told you were nuts since my view of intimacy was about getting much more so than it was about giving. I also felt that she needed to do her fair share of the work, and would have never have been content with me doing most and she doing quite a bit less.  Isn’t it amazing though how a life living with the understanding that I will NEVER ever be her equal, nor will I EVER get to make demands of her, nor will I EVER be permitted to make decisions without consulting her can amount to a life that fulfills and completes me? It makes no sense yet it makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense because being controlled by a woman that loves me is probably my primary love language. 

So should I expect nothing? Should all subs expect nothing in return for the work and effort they put into serving and submitting to their dominant partner? Yes – and – no. Yes because a submissive man shouldn’t expect affirmation for every job done. But then again, the ‘no’ part of the equation can’t be helped because a submissive man finds pleasure, contentment, even feels complete as a man through the act of submitting, all of which fills him with pleasure.  Of course, having a wife or partner that expresses her pleasure will go a long way in adding to those positive emotions. It only need be a ‘thank you’ or a smile or hug or comment that reminds him of who he is but those gifts enhance a submissive man’s desire to continue to press on and serve as she expects him.

I’m Hers

7 comments:

  1. I've noticed that many of the (often anonymous) commenters with such opinions tend to be men who are *not* in such a relationship themselves. They don't understand that there is a "relation" in the "relationship". If both people are not getting what they want or need, then it's time to adjust the relationship so that both parties are happy.

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    1. Yes Tom, the old saying of 'it takes two to tango' is true in vanilla and D/s relationships alike. I don't care what you say, a man needs some kind of a reward if he is to remain a wife's submissive.

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  2. I so love this, and you are exactly right. I so love it when my wife gives me orders and then goes and watches TV. I know my place, I love my place, but sometimes I need to be *put* in my place, as a reminder that she is not indifferent about my submission to her.

    I'm not high maintenance at all, but I'm not "maintenance free". None of us are.

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    1. And when she goes and watches TV or puts you in your place, I"m sure there is some type of mutual benefit for you both. Thus the irrelevancy of the comment. I'm sure that for some, they do it just to do it and expect nothing in return. I am not one such man

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  3. Who has the right to tell you what your relationship should be like? In many ways, the kink community is just as narrow-minded as the non-kink community. If it works for you; then it's good. If not; then make adjustments as needed.

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  4. Tomio, I guess anyone has the right to express. I don't need to heed their point of view, but I don't mind listening to them expressing it. And yes, we are all narrow minded - All of us. Liberals, conservatives, kinks, athiest, etc. We all believe we have found the right path. We all think those that believe different have the wrong view point (or else we would have chosen that point of view our selves). Now there's a topic to get the blog world riled :)

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  5. Very well said I'm Hers, I couldn't agree more.....!!!

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