Wednesday, December 4, 2013

A Personal Observation of my 'Financial Attitude'

The other day we were out running errands. Katie asked if I wanted to have lunch out or make lunch at home.  My response, "That's a financial decision. I can't make that call." 

Today Katie asked if I would like an item we saw at a hardware store.  I deferred the question as it was quite expensive and although I 'could' use it, it wasn't like I needed it. 

The above are but two examples of times in which she is asking for my opinion on something that entails me making a financial decision.  Because I don't handle the money and because I am her submissive, I struggle with answers to such questions.  I struggle, in part, because I don't know our financial situation.  To say, let's eat out every day this week might be nice but that doesn't mean it is a wise choice nor one we can afford.  I feel like I don't have all the pieces of the puzzle in my mind to answer. Of course, I'd like to eat out when the other option is me making a meal, but then again, if we did it all the time, eating out wouldn't remain a special event.

When asked about purchasing larger ticket items, like the example given in the hardware store - in this case the item was several hundred dollars, I feel guilty in saying, "yes, get that for me."  I don't need it. I don't deserve it. I can live without it. Those are the types of thoughts I feel when confronted with such a situation.  Yet if I were given permission to purchase Katie something that was more expensive, or if she were to tell me that she was seriously considering purchasing a larger item for the home or for us I have no issues at all embracing her choice to do so. 

I assume that by considering the purchase she knows that we can afford it. I also know that this is something that she wants and my immediate reaction is to affirm her thoughts because I know she'd be pleased by not having a husband that challenges her all the time.  Yet, going back to the hardware store option where Katie wanted to get me a fancy workbench, I told her today I didn't need it.  I heard her make a comment in fun (yet I know there was a bit of seriousness to it as well) that I was a Grinch when it came to getting gifts at Christmas. But the truth is, I really don't.  I've lived without it so far and can see myself making due without one in the future.

Where I am going with all this is this: now that I have not had financial control of my life for quite some time, and because my tendency is naturally to spend less rather than more, I find that treating myself to items is getting harder and harder to do.  I will not tell her that I want things unless I feel that I really need an item.  Generally I don't walk through stores anymore and see an article of clothing, a tool, a sporting goods item, etc and think, "I'd really like that.".  I wonder if that is mostly due to the fact that I have lived without spending money for so long now and because I do not handle the budget that the desire has simply waned.

As I look back on the last year or two living with less - meaning that I've seen something, thought that I'd like to have that, but decided not to purchase or ask for it, has not made me less happy.  Having just a little less has not created a hardship that has negatively impacted me.  I am happier now than I have probably ever been and have all that I could ever have wanted - most all of which has nothing to do with something that can be purchased with money.

I would be really interested to hear the perspectives of others in a similar situation (limited financial freedom) to see if, you now feel less deserving or desiring of personal items above and beyond the basics since you gave your income to your wife to hold and distribute as she feels the need to do so. 2) If your desires/needs/wants/cravings for the nonessentials has grown less over time simply because you do not have the funds to self purchase.

Love to hear others thoughts and views.

I'm Hers


  1. If you are content in life you tend not to crave material things. Perhaps the fact you are living in your ideal relationship style you have all you would ever want. Failing that maybe your wife is right and you are a Grinch, lol. Does your wife have any such problems spending cach on herself? Does she ever refuse you a purchase ih?


    1. Adam, No she hasn't refused me a purchase mostly because I rarely ask. and she does make sue she has all she needs - but that doesnt' mean she spends frivously either. It means that if she needs something or wants something she gets it.

  2. I am just 5 weeks into being on an allowance, so probably not in a position to answer fully. Part of the allowance I get is specifically to be saved and when I have saved £100 (equal to 20 weeks) I have permission to treat myself. Will I? Probably not, I am sure I will buy my wife something.

    It is interesting seeing her spend money on herself. Last weekend we were shopping together and she bought a pair of shoes that cost three times what I would have spent on shoes for me. I love that she feels able to do so and I am sure that it's now easier that she now has 'my' income to do with as she wishes.

    Being on an allowance helps me feel owned. I think my allowance is a bit generous ( I don't spend all of it) and I hope she will lower it so I feel more under her control.

    As Kathy wrote recently on FemDom 101, taking a way a man's freedom is really a gift; restricting a man's ability to spend money as he pleases is also a gift, as is managing a man's time and energy. Becoming a slave to my wife has been her greatest gift to me.

    All good wishes,


    1. Tony,
      I agree completely. Less means more to an owned man. My wonder was whether or not others felt as I did - guilty, not entitled, etc to make financial decisions when presented with them that go above and beyond one's allowance.

  3. The biggest fear for myself when I was beginning our FLR was the financial part. Giving up control of my money was something I wasn't sure if I could do. Now that she controls our finances we our in better shape than ever. I'm allowed what I would consider a more than fair allowance but all ways ask her before spending or make sure she knows what it is used for. The credit card has her as the primary holder she allows me to use it with her approval in advance which she pays off at the end of the month. She has also made some very good decisions as to are retirement accounts. In all it was a very good decision to have her manage our finances .We will still discuss between ourselves when it comes to spending large amounts of money with her word being the final decision. Always great posts here... thanks. RR

    1. RR, our relationship sounds similar to yours with regard to spending. Basically I am given enough to survive on, I am well taken care of, and we talk about larger expenses although those discussions are mostly initiated by Katie after she has pretty much decided that we should get this or not get that before she ever brings it to my attention. I serve as a sounding board for her to express her thoughts and to get my opinion on them. Most always they are pretty much dead on.

  4. This topic is very timely for me and because of that, I really appreciate being able to hear others views on the subject. Just as Hearts Desire, I am somewhat new to the financial portion of our relationship and am just getting used to being cinched into the restrictions. The anticipation and doubts about entering this situation have far outweighed the reality of being in it. So far I have no regrets. It has only helped to strengthen and advance our roles in our relationship, most likely moving it along faster than it might have without this factor.
    To be honest, at first, a major portion of me submitting to have my wife control our finances was planned by me simply to insure that I would stay the course in my submission to her. This way she would know I was serious about a wlm and giving her all control of finances was something that would not easily be reversed without restructuring all sorts of things relating to how we handle money in our home. The anchor effect of the money transfer has worked, but other effects of the transfer became apparent to me that I hadn’t exactly planned on. Just as you said IH, the difference between wants and needs started to become much more noticeable. I just didn’t ‘need’ all of those things. It becomes easier to adapt to not having things. Probably even more important than that though, is how focusing yourself on her, changes how you see everything. In the past, I would never have understood how I could be happy to look at the QVC packages with her that that FEDEX just delivered (she IS responsible on spending). The old selfish portion of me is no longer a factor when you put someone right on top of that part of your feelings. It is very liberating.
    On this same subject, IH or anyone, was setting up how you do the financials you, her, or a mutual development?

    1. JT, Glad you could chime in and share. Always good to hear from you. I think you touched on an important thought - that being financially dependent - "being there" is really not hard at all - but thinking about 'going there' is the scary part. Isn't that true with so much of life? We fret and worry about the possibilities but once we plunge in we often find it's not so bad after all.

      You my friend have also found the joy of appreciating the gifts and wants of your wife. That is indeed a bonding experience. Glad you can share that with her. As for me, I told Katie I wanted to put my two three sources of income into her account - my primary and two smaller jobs I sometimes I get an income from. Katie ran with the rest and that was pretty much because I moved in with her once married. She already had utility and other bills set up for automatic deposit. She does tell me what credit card to use depending on which one gives the most reward for using (eg. Discover is giving 5% back for holiday shopping purchases now. Our VISA gives us 3% back on fuel. etc.) She does what she can to maximize our money and I do what I am told trusting her judgment always.

  5. I can relate because I am the same way you are. I don't need much and many times Mistress will ask if I "need this". When my answer is most likely no she will then ask if I want this. If the answer is still no she realizes then it would be money wasted if we buy it. I do have to admit when I do want something I just answer honestly.

    Something along the lines of, I would really like this but it's not important enough to stress us financially. Mistress is very good at taking that at full value. If we have extra money I will get it, if she thinks it was something worth getting even if it left us a little short she will then realize that its not that important and will pass on it.

    I guess communication is the true key. Also I try my best to not leave her on an island deciding all the financial issues. If she asks I do my best to tell her my true thoughts. Just because I don't handle the money anymore doesn't mean I am not a good source of information for her to bounce ideas off of. I would never say, "Your the boss, do what you want." She already knows that so if she asks my opinion I already know she wants some help. I usually can't answer the question without asking a few others...Like how are we on the bills, is there extra money... stuff like that.

    I am in no way suggesting that you are doing less for her than you should I am just making the point in general that as subs if our girls ask for help or our opinion we should crawl into that sub area and avoid the responsibility. I can be like that sometimes and have to really push myself to be more on top of it for her.

    1. SOS KK, Thanks for taking the time to share! I think I am like you most of the time but there are those times when I just get those feelings like I really 'can' live without certain things when she as part of a mind to get something for me I really don't need. I mean, do I really need a $500 workbench? Really? I mean is it a need or can I live without one? I believe the latter and so when she approaches me with the notion of 'do you want this'? I tell her well, no I don't need it. Do I want it? Sure. I want lots of things for the reason that they'd be fun to have but I don't need them. She knows what I have and I've given her cheaper (and probably better) alternatives, so when we walk into a big box hardware store and see the construction grade item, I tend to shy away from it and tell her 'no'. And be that grinch she reminds me I am.

      Glad to have you writing and sharing your thoughts. Have a wonderful weekend.